Sonic X: Issue 36

Sonic X: Issue 36
Publication Date: August 2008

As Archie's primary “Sonic” cover artist for more than twenty years, Patrick Spaziante's obvious skills should speak for themselves. Every once in a while though, he would draw something that was just... Weird. Like the cover for issue 36 of “Sonic X.” For some reason, Spaz made the decision to illustrate the pets surrounding Sonic and Eggman in a hyper-realistic manner. The result is unnerving, as clearly cartoony characters are surrounded by nearly photo-realistic animals. That Sonic and Eggman have pained, unnerved facial expressions only adds to how uncomfortable this cover is to look at. It's not bad – Spaz's work is too detailed to qualify as 'bad” - but it's definitely weird looking. But at least it ties in perfectly with the story inside the book.

So, anyway, the plot: “Petastrophe” begins with Sonic dining with Chris Thorndyke and friends inside an ice cream shop. A spoiled little rich bitch named Milan Ramada marches in and starts being a massive cunt to Chris and his friends. This petty argument is thankfully interrupted by an Eggman attack, where the doctor steals the limo Milan rode in. The car's engine contains a special device called a Recombobulator – yes, really – that Eggman desires for some reason. Yet he needs a Chaos Emerald to power it. Instead of just stealing one like he usually does, Eggamn decides to participate in a pet show where a real Chaos Emerald is the prize. A pet show where Milan is also appearing. Chris enters Sonic into the same pet show strictly to spite both of their archenemies.

“Petastrophe” is another Joe Edkin dish. In the past, Edkin's work on “Sonic X” has ranged from deeply formulaic stories to enjoyably nutty homages to classic genre cinema. With this story and his previous credit, the writer is showing a previously unseen and deeply unseemly preachy side. His story for issue 33 included an annoying moral about the advantages of intelligence over brute strength. “Petastrophe” pauses for two sequences so Cream can learn a lesson on the importance of leash training your pets. At first, the cartoon bunny is disturbed by Earthlings putting animals in cages and on leashes. After Eggman's shenanigans causes a bunch of pets to go ape-shit, Cream realizes leashes are necessary. It's an odd lesson to include in a “Sonic” comic, firstly, and seems more-or-less disconnected with the rest of the story.

And what is the rest of the story about? Mostly, making fun of Paris Hilton. By 2008, Hilton's status as an inescapable, inexplicably famous celebrity starlet was on the wan. The vile Kardashian brood was already beginning to supplant her. So Edkin choosing to make fun of her in a kid's comic was a weird decision. His characterization of Milan Ramada as a deeply petty, manipulative, vicious little bitch borders on the mean-spirited. (Though I have no doubt that twelve year old Paris Hilton was an equally terrible human being.) Considering Chris Thorndyke is also the child of insanely rich parents, it's odd to make his heated enemy another rich kid. You'd think Milan would consider Chris an equal, instead of someone to look down on. The book points out this factoid, claiming Chris isn't a hateful piece of garbage like Milan. Okay, sure, but it's not like he can relate to the struggles of the working class either.

When the book isn't lecturing kids on pet safety or lobbing soft balls at Paris Hilton, it's contrasting Sonic and friends with normal Earth animals. Which does admittedly lead to some cute moments. Such as Sonic encountering a realistic hedgehog and pausing in confusion at the strange creature. Or Sonic getting examined by the judges. (Disappointingly, Edkins doesn't throw in a panel of Knuckles comparing genitalia with a real echidna.) Sadly, Eggman trying to pass Bokkun off as a cat is a less amusing. Christ, it's barely a joke.

That is a good example of how incredibly stupid Eggman's plan is, even by the standards of his previous evil plots. Eggman randomly grabs this Recombobulator thing, which does not come up in the rest of the story. He needs a Chaos Emerald to power it, even though it was inside a car motor for some reason. Though Eggman has shown no qualms about stealing Chaos Emeralds before, he decides to fairly compete for it. Also: Why the fuck is a pet show giving away an incredibly volatile, literally magical power source? I know this is a kid's comedy book but, gee whiz, is a little internal consistency too much to ask for?

This is an action comic, theoretically. Issue 36 does feature some mildly diverting action scenes. An early bit has Sonic grabbing missiles that Eggman has launched into Station Square as a distraction. (Which is a nice reminder that, even if the book plays him exclusively for comedy, Eggman is still a wantonly destructive terrorist.) The pages devoted to the hedgehog grabbing the missiles before they hit innocent bystanders are pretty good. The book's big conclusion has Sonic and Eggman's fight causing an animal riot at the pet show. For some reason, cheetahs, giant snakes, and red tail hawks where invited to this pet show. Weirdly, the big hero moments belongs to Cream. She shows off a previously unseen super-ability, releasing a sonic scream that throws back three snarling dobermans. It really comes out of nowhere but James Fry's pencils at least look nice.

So it's another middling, pretty dumb issue of “Sonic X.” I'm honestly surprised I keep finding new things to say about this comic book. I could save myself a lot of trouble and just type the words “It stinks!” 499 times. But, no, I've got to be a professional for my cartoon hedgehog blog. I'm going to whisper “Only four more issues of Sonic X!” into my pillow before falling asleep tonight. [5/10]