Sonic: Lost World

Sonic: Lost World
Publication Date: October 2013

I know what you’re thinking. “Zack, tonight is New Year's Eve. Why are you reviewing a comic book with the word “Halloween” on the cover? Do you really start planning for your favorite holiday the day at the end of the year?” To answer your question, haha, I start planning for next Halloween on November 1st. As for this comic book, “Sonic: Lost World” was Archie’s entry into 2013’s Halloween Comic Fest, which is kind of like Free Comic Book Day except in October and also you have to pay for the comics. (As far as I can tell, this is also the only time Archie participated in Halloween Comic Fest.)

As for why I’m reviewing this comic in the ass end of December, it really doesn’t have anything to do with Halloween. There’s some monsters in it, but they are generic, Pokémon looking things and not remotely spooky. So nothing about it especially jives with the Christmas holiday. I’m also reviewing these comics roughly in the order they came out and this special appeared at this point in the series’ chronology. So, fuck it, it’s the last day of the year and I’m reviewing a sort of, kind of Halloween special. Deal with it.

Anyway! “Sonic: Lost World” begins with a Eggman discovering a continent floating in the sky. It’s neither Angel Island nor Little Planet but a new world called Lost Hex, because the Sonic-verse is overrun with floating landmasses. Eggman decides to exploit this new location, like he always does. He’s countered by Zavok, the leader of Lost Hex’s native species, the Zeti. Eggman quickly subdues the technokinetic beast with a magical conch shell he literally pulls out of nowhere. Utilizing the Zetis as his new shock troops, Eggman begins rounding up animals for his takeover of Lost Hex. Sonic and Tails follow the fat man to the new world, setting up an adventure you’ll have to buy the video game to see the rest of.

Yes, “Sonic: Lost World” is another one of the those comic stories produced solely to advertise Sega’s new video game. An exclusive to the Wii and 3DS, the game was apparently not very good, saddled with an awkward control mechanic and a dumbass story. The comic basically plays out like one of Flynn’s “Another Time, Another Place” stories, the quickly thrown together script acting as a prequel to the game’s plot.  Despite that, Flynn has said this story is canon to the comic’s main plot, taking place at an undetermined point in the future. Presumably, he had plans for the Zetis after he wrapped up the Shattered World Crisis. That never came to be but he did use them in the next “Mega Man” crossover.

Those Zetis were “Lost World’s” primary contribution to Sonic lore. Like all new additions to Sonic’s cast, fan reaction was divisive. Most found them to be lame but a few immediately clung to them. (Years later, only the disconcertingly curvy female, Zeena, seems to have made much of an impact. For obvious, pervy reasons.) I’m utterly ambivalent to the Zetis. They have boring designs that barely fit the “Sonic” style. Each one gets some gimmicky superpower, such as Zevok’s ability to control machines. Besides that, their personalities are one-note, easily deduced from their appearances. Zavok is the only one we really meet in this issue and he makes no impression on me whatsoever.

The only time Zavok is interesting at all is when Eggman forces him to grovel, following his use of that inexplicable conch shell. The proud Zeti doesn’t take this indignity well. The bad guy formally known as Robotnik is unusually sassy in this outing. Finding a new world to subjugate and exploit puts him in a very chipper mood. Even after Sonic gets on his trail, he remains grinning and chuckling. It’s fun to see the villain in such an upbeat, hammy mood.

Eggman’s glorious villainy is pretty much the only thing this comic has going for it. Sonic and his friends are reduced to their most basic versions here. Sonic is fast and quibby. Tails does machines and responses to his friend’s sarcasm. Knuckles is short-tempered and prone to punching. Amy is super girly and bonds with the animals. The world they live in blank and nondescript. This is the broadest, blandest version of Sonic’s world possible. Which, sadly, makes it pretty in line with Sega’s vision at the time and possibly even now.

The artwork is from Ryan Jampole, whose only prior “Sonic” artwork was during “Worlds Collide.” Jampole’s Eggman looks pretty great. The artist gives him a dignified air until his temper gets the best of him, at which point he twists into a crazy cartoon figure. His Zetis are fine, like right out of the Sega artwork, and his Badniks look really cute. However, his depiction of Sonic and friends are super lifeless. Their facial expressions are bland and his action scene lack any energy. So it’s a split decision in the artwork department.

And, like I said, “Lost World” lacks any zip as a holiday special. I think Archie dropped this thing when it did strictly because it lined up with the release of the video game. The comic itself is forgettable and lacking meat, much like the video game it’s based on. One or two funny Eggman moment is pretty much the only thing entertaining about it at all. By the way, if you missed this one-shot when it first came out, it was reprinted in issue 9 of “Sonic Super Special Magazine.” Its cover says it’s a “super collector’s issue!” [5/10]

Oh yeah, by the way, happy New Year. See you in 2019, true believers.

Sonic the Hedgehog: Issue 254

Sonic the Hedgehog: Issue 254
Publication Date: November 2013

Welcome to another installment of the “Bitching About the Archie Sonic Reboot Hour.” In all seriousness, I think even fans of the reboot would admit it got off to a rough start. The last two issues have been scattered, unfulfilling affairs. I’m far from done complaining about the new continuity but I will say that issue 254 is the first post-reboot issue I’ve enjoyed. We’ll get back to bitching and moaning soon enough.

Part two of “Countdown to Chaos” is subtitled “The Soldier,” so take a good guess about who will be reintroduced this time. After visiting the reformed Knothole, Sonic and Tails track down Uncle Chuck. Along with his assistant, Ben Muttski, he’s been studying the strange earthquakes that have started to affected the planet. Antoine has been functioning as their bodyguard. Sonic and Tails restore Antoine’s memories and then rescue everyone when another tremor causes them to fall into a big ass crack in the earth. Meanwhile, Eggman continues his explosion filled journey back to the Death Egg.

Issue 254 brings some much needed heart to the reboot. Upon seeing Uncle Chuck, Sonic lifts him up into a big hug. He’s nearly brought to tears by the sight, that his uncle has survived the universal reshuffling more or less untouched. When Antoine’s memories of the old ‘verse are restored, he actually gets a minute to absorb this info, instead of the plot immediately marching onward. (Which is good, since his old memories are among the more traumatic.) Antoine provides another nice moment at the comic’s end. After we learn Bunnie is undercover in Megaopolis, he tells Sonic and Tails to inform his wife how much he misses her. Aww, ain’t that sweet.

Let’s talk about rebooted Antoine. Of the original five Freedom Fighters, Antoine was one of the few better served by the reboot. After all, the coyote’s personality has already changed considerably from his original portrayal in SatAM and the earliest comics. (Though his early status as the team coward is nodded to in a cute way.) He’s more action oriented, now able to perform spin dash-like attacks. His role as an honorable soldier and romantic has superseded his goofier elements, at least for now. His redesign is mediocre – befitting most “Sonic” males, he’s naked, save for his boots and a weird bandolier thing to hold his sword on – but it doesn’t actively offend the way Rotor’s new appearance did.

Antoine is not the only SatAM cast member to get a new look in this issue. For years, Muttski has been Sonic’s pet dog, creating an odd Goofy/Pluto situation that the comic would take years to clarify. The Genesis Wave has seemingly removed the distinction between the intelligent, bipedal Mobians and the more classically animal-like Mobini. Muttski is now Ben Muttski, an upright, talking funny animal like everyone else Sonic knows. I’m generally a fan of this decision, as it made the comic’s universe a little more consistent. (It also leads to a pretty funny reaction from Sonic and Tails.) Sadly, the new Muttski would be another example of Flynn adding to the rebooted comic’s cast without actually developing anyone. I think Ben made two or three more appearances before the book was canceled.

Issue 254 also sets up one of my least favorite aspects of the reboot. We already know this unnamed world that is definitely not called Mobius is cracking up following the Genesis Wave. We’ll be talking about earthquakes and huge chasms in the ground a lot over the next year. While rescuing Uncle Chuck’s research, Sonic inhales a little black cloud of what will soon be called Dark Gaia Energy. I won’t devote too much word space this time to how much I despise the Werehog. Believe me, there will be plenty of time for that soon enough. Needless to say, I find the setup for this plot twist to be pretty silly. I guess black smoke can do anything, including turning people into fucking werewolves.

While this issue is more focused on emotion than action, it still has to deliver the boom-boom. After Chuck and Muttski fall into the crack in the earth, Sonic, Tails, and Antoine have to leap around some logs to rescue them. It’s an okay, if slightly awkwardly framed, action sequence. Better is Eggman’s assault on a G.U.N. aircraft carrier. There’s a certain glee to the mad doctor improvising an Egg Walker and going hog wild on some random military guys.

Oh, by the way, Lord Hood and Bow the Sparrow are back too. As lame as those guys are, I can’t blame Flynn for utilizing them again. He had to salvage what he could from the old universe. While many of my complaints about the reboot still stand, part two of “Countdown to Chaos” is better than the previous two issues. Its focus on emotion and more than superficial world building is a welcomed change. It’s good to know Flynn still actually cares about these guys. [7/10]

Sonic Universe: Issue 57

Sonic Universe: Issue 57
Publication Date: October 2013

I’m not going to talk about the standard cover for issue 57 of “Sonic Universe,” which is a decently foreboding pic of a giant robot squid attack from Yardley. Instead, let’s look at the variant. The “Titanic” reference and Sonic breaking the fourth wall are pretty corny. But consider the art work. For long time “Sonic” readers, it should look familiar. Dawn Best provides the cover art, the first time she’s worked for Archie since 2005. Considering she was the first fan artist to be hired to work on the comic, it’s fitting she should return during an era when the comic was primarily handled by former fan artists. It’s clear Best is a little rusty but her style is still immediately recognizable. Sadly, this did not prompt a big comeback, as it’s also the last time Best worked for Archie.

Part three of “Pirate Plunder Panic!” quickly dismisses part two’s cliffhanger. Blaze escapes her cage and the Kraken’s tentacles. A third party immediately enters and snatched the Sol Emerald away from Bean. It’s Johnny, the speedy rocket bot that works for Captain Whiskers, a character that asks “what if Eggman was both a robot and a pirate?” Blaze, Amy, Cream, and Marine quickly camaraderie Captain Metal’s ship and go after the Emerald. Metal has other plans.

My big problem with the second part of “Pirate Plunder Panic!” was Yardley’s overuse of obnoxious humor. Part three reels that in considerably. There’s only one random pop culture reference, when Metal commands his men to “release the Kraken.” (I probably wouldn’t be able to resist making that one myself.) Captain Whiskers has two really annoying, smart mouth, floating henchmen but they’re easy to ignore. Otherwise, the jokes are a little more character oriented this time. Even Bean manages to be genuinely amusing, when he launches into a soliloquy about his beloved shiny jewel or cast up a bomb so big, even he can't throw it.

Using the characters’ pre-existing traits to get laughs is much preferable to totz randum references and poo-poo and pee-pee jokes. When done right, character based humor is funny and also tells us more about who these people are. Take, for example, a moment here where Blaze insists she’s not afraid of heights while showing an obvious fear of heights. It’s something we didn’t know about her before hand and it’s pretty ironic that a character who can fly would experience occasional vertigo. Cream’s sheepish reaction to this is both cute and funny. So is everyone’s continued confusion with Marine’s incomprehensible blabbering.

The comic dropping yet another party into a story is usually a disaster. The need to add more made “Hedgehog Havoc” and “Treasure Team Tango” into messes. (Boy, this comic is really fond of alliteration in its titles.) Captain Whiskers and his team, cast-offs from the same forgotten handheld title that brought us Marine, are not the most memorable bunch. It’s not like the book needed yet another alternate universe version of Robotnik. Aside from maintaining brand consistency, I don’t really know why Whiskers is another Eggman expy, as pirates have nothing to do with Sonic’s primary antagonist. Johnny, meanwhile, doesn’t even have a pirate gimmick. He’s just a flying, rocket powered robot. Even his name is non-descriptive.

Despite their generic qualities, adding Captain Whiskers’ crew to the story actually energizes it. It keeps Blaze and the other heroes moving, in pursuit of the gem. It allows Marine a chance to get her ship back, maintaining the story’s maritime gimmick. (Marine is also much more fun when she has a baffled crew to order around.) It also keeps the narrative from falling into a “villains chase heroes” slump. Against all odds, throwing a bunch of lame Sega created characters into the mix actually keeps this plot afloat after the weak second part.

Still, this issue could’ve used more Captain Metal. After having the Sol Emerald stolen from him twice, his appearance as an unshakable bad-ass is starting to loosen. The comic also goes too far with his tendency to attack his own crew, turning it into a weird running gag. His late reappearance is effective though. The Kraken sequence is a decent action scene. Metal reappearing with a modified, crab-like body makes for a decent cliffhanger.

Yardley successfully recovers after his fumble last time. You know a comic is good when Bean the Duck actually manages to be funny, rather than annoying. Against all odds, I’m finding myself weirdly invested in Blaze and Marine this time, two Sega characters I’m usually indifferent too. Then again, I might be overrating this story because the main book is really sucking at this moment. Whatever, a [7/10] it is!

Sonic the Hedgehog: Issue ¼

Sonic the Hedgehog: Issue ¼
Publication Date: November 1992

Merry Christmas and happy holidays, faithful Hedgehogs Can’t Swim readers! Thank you for taking time out of your busy celebration to cast your eyeballs on my dumb-ass blog! What with it being Christmas Eve and all that, I decided to do something really special today. Since I’ve already reviewed the Sonic Christmas special and talked about the December I got a Dreamcast, I’ve decided to devote this update to the true reason for the season: Spending your hard earned cash on stupid bullshit!

As you’ve probably figured, I have a nearly complete Archie Sonic comic collection. A lot of these issues I’ve owned since childhood, and they have the tattered pages and missing covers to prove it. As I’ve entered into what is ostensibly adulthood, I’ve managed to fill most of the gaps in my collection, via eBay and comic shop back issue bins. These days I have all the issues of the main series, as well as all the spinoffs, mini-series, and one-shots. But I’m not here to brag about how I have a crap ton of ratty old comic books instead of a 401k. Because I discovered not too long ago that my Sonic comic collection wasn’t complete. I was missing “Sonic 1/4.”

You may be wondering, what the fuck is “Sonic 1/4?” I’m glad you asked! “Sonic 1/4” was a free promotional comic given away with the November 1992 issue of “Sega Visions,” Sega’s attempt to compete with “Nintendo Power.” (In defiance of all logic and reason, Sega’s self-promotion rag managed to run for twenty-five issues. Maybe I’ll review them when I have absolutely nothing else left to talk about.) The freebie contains the first six pages of issue 0 of Archie’s original “Sonic” mini-series. “1/4” was released a few days before the full-length comic book and not quite a year before “SatAM” premiered on television, making it the technical first ever appearance of Sally and the rest of the Freedom Fighters.

It’s probably one of the rarer Archie Sonic issues. Luckily, most people don’t know about it, so it’s far from the priciest. (A quick perusal of eBay shows that people like to slap the biggest price tag on mint issues of the mini-series.) I managed to find a decent copy selling for twenty bucks. Because it’s the holidays, and because my girlfriend is totally indifferent to my blue rat fetish, I decided to buy “Sonic 1/4” as an early Christmas present to myself. That’s the contrived reason I’m posting this review on the 24th and, look, it only took me four paragraphs to explain it.

So let’s talk about the actual contents of “Sonic 1/4.” It’s yet another reprint (preprint?) of “Don’t Cry for Me, Mobius.” The first six pages anyway. This is a story I’ve already reviewed twice. There’s no point in going over it again. It’s so simplistic and silly it borders on shitty. But I still found myself smiling while reading this. At this point in my retrospective, I’m just beginning to re-read the rebooted issues. That massive change left me cold for a long time. So going back to the very beginning of the series, the very root of all the convoluted lore I would come to love, does tickle my nostalgia bone right about now. It’s honestly making me want to go back and re-re-read the first eight years or so of the book. I wish I was joking.

“Don’t Cry for Me, Mobius” is well-trotted ground around here but, holding this old comic book in my hands, I do notice some weird little details. Like the goofy superlatives the creative staff give themselves on the credits banner. Mike Gallagher, for an example, is credited as “Super Sonic Scripter” while Scott Shaw is the “Pedal to the Metal Penciler.” You get the idea. The comic banked really hard on those speed related puns early on. The moment where Sonic casually breaks the fourth wall to address the reader also sticks out way more now than it did in 1992. Years before Deadpool made that stuff popular, Sonic did it almost every issues.

As for the collector’s item itself, it’s pretty shoddy. My copy is less beat-up than the digital scans I used for the images here but only slightly. It’s a twenty-six year old comic book that was shoved between the pages of a forgotten magazine, so I’m not surprised. There’s some obvious printing errors in the book. Sonic’s chin and belly are frequently colored a darker brown, making it look like he has some serious five o’clock shadow in a few panels. In one panel, his eyeballs just straight-up vanish. Fuck-ups like this were pretty common in the book’s early days and I doubt Archie put much quality control into a free giveaway like this.

Going back to the comic’s earliest issue at this time strikes me as pivotal for another reason. It’s almost 2019. January begins the fourth year of this retrospective’s existence. If everything stays on schedule, this will also be the year I wrap up my Archie reviews. So merry Christmas, Hedgehogs Can’t Swim readers. When I started this project, I figured nobody would be reading it. I’m eternally grateful to have the regular commenters and viewers I do. Thank you so much for sticking with me. So enjoy the holiday, whether it’s spent with friends and family or just relaxing at home. Here’s to another year of being way past cool.

Sonic the Hedgehog: Issue 253

Sonic the Hedgehog: Issue 253
Publication Date: October 2013

Issue 253 of Archie’s “Sonic the Hedgehog,” the second issue in the reboot, would begin the Shattered World Crisis. This crisis would go on for nearly three years. A mere two issues after that story arc wrapped up, the comic would be abruptly canceled. So I hope you like Sonic and his friends running a world that’s literally falling apart, because we’re going to be talking about that for pretty much the reminder of this retrospective.

The first part of “Countdown to Chaos,” subtitled “The Builder,” begins with Sonic and Tails running through the jungles around the Ancient Ruins. They’re looking for Rotor, the first Freedom Fighter they’ve gotten a lead on. He’s been building a secret project, a flying base called the Sky Patrol. The happy reunion is interrupted by a group of Badniks, led by a Silver Sonic. Luckily, Big is there to help. Meanwhile, Eggman is rescued by his own army in the plains of Efrika. He soon discovers that something is wrong with the planet.

There’s a totally bogus plot thread running through this issue and the next few. Nicole’s functions are still scrambled. Upon handing her to Rotor, as happened to Sonic and Tails last time, he is overwhelmed by a flood of memories from the old timeline. This restores Nicole somewhat. Sonic realizes that in order to fix Nicole, he must locate all the remaining Freedom Fighters and have them undergo a similar process.

Let me tell you why this is bullshit. This plot point sure makes it seem like the old continuity is going to have some sort of effect on the new one, doesn’t it? Perhaps the Freedom Fighters will maintain their original memories? But, as Flynn would be forced to clarify repeatedly, the old continuity is gone forever, never to return. Sonic and Tails mention that their old memories are slowly being absorbed by new ones. Eventually, they’ll forget everything. So why tease us? Why have any remnants of the old world survive at all? It’s just an awkward attempt to bridge the reboot to the old continuity. It will have no further effect on the story once it’s completed. And that’s bogus.

As the subtitle indicates, this issue introduces the rebooted Rotor. The comic has struggled for years with what to do with Rotor, writing him out for stretches or sticking him on the Council of Acorn. His original role of mechanic has largely been filled by Tails and Nicole. Despite that, Flynn returns Rotor to this role. The walrus’ specialty now seems to be weapons and vehicles, which seems to differentiate him from Tails’ slightly more computer oriented skills. But it’s Rotor’s attitude that gets the biggest overhaul. He’s tougher and more action-oriented. This is reflected in his new design, which ditches the potbelly for a brawny, barrel-chested physique.

I don’t like this. Yeah, Rotor has been building weapons for years now. He even got increasingly involved in the action recently. Yet something rubs me the wrong way about making him into a more generic tough guy, the kind that quotes “Kung-Fu Panda” while blasting enemy robots. It’s hard to imagine Cam Brainard’s gentle voice coming out of this guy. I also dislike the new design. Old Rotor was pudgy and cute. New Rotor has a stock parts "big guy" look, which is a lot less charming. It’s not surprising that my favorite Rotor moment in this issue is the panicked vulnerability that overcomes him after receiving his old memories, the only time he feels like the character we know, instead of a stranger.

That moment, by the way, is quickly tossed aside so Rotor can introduce Sonic to his new objective. That’s because this issue is not really about characters. It’s about establishing the new status quo. It introduces the soon-to-launch Sky Patrol, a mobile base that will largely overtake Mobotropolis as the Freedom Fighters’ headquarters. Eggman discovers he still has an army of loyal/terrified followers. (Including Axel the Water Buffalo, one of about a hundred new characters Flynn would introduce in the next year that seemed important but actually weren’t.) He also learns that interrupting Sonic’s Chaos Control at the end of “Worlds Collide” seriously fucked up the planet too. The rules of this new world, and the plot points going forward, are clearly more important to Flynn than the cast we’ve been reading about for twenty years.

This is most apparent in the characters Flynn did salvage from the old ‘verse. This issue confirms that Big the Cat and T-Pup survived the reboot. Oh boy. Flynn emphasizes Big’s strength, when he easily tosses the massive Silver Sonic into the air. This is a trick to make the typically vacant and monosyllabic cat seem more useful than he actually is. Rotor is now also a big, strong guy so I can assume Flynn included Big more out of desperation more than anything else. As for T-Pup? He does nothing, besides sitting around and being a crime against nature. Seriously, man, you brought back fucking T-Pup but couldn’t find some way to resurrect Julie-Su? Flynn’s priorities are all fucked up, is my point.

At least the issue looks nice. Lamar Wells, who previously provided the cover for issue 147, makes his in-comic debut here. The credits say he’s working from Yardley’s outlines but Wells’ work clearly owns this issue. He owes more to Steven Butler’s gritty, detail oriented pencils than Yardley’s loose and cartoony work. This is most obvious in the pages devoted to a ragged, battle damaged Eggman wandering the plains. His action is decent too, though a little stationary. Still, Wells is a welcomed addition to the Sonic family.

I guess it makes sense for Flynn to focus more on setting up the new universe over anything else. But, this early in the game, so much about the reboot rubs me the wrong way. There’s little heart. The emotional investment we had in the old timeline and its cast is essentially being used as a false lead to keep us reading the rebooted comic, a move that really fucking annoys me. Upon re-read, it’s more apparent than ever that the reboot was a slapped together affair. [5/10]

Sonic Universe: Issue 56

Sonic Universe: Issue 56
Publication Date: September 2013

As I said last time, there was absolutely no way Amy, Cream, and Marine were going to die. Archie’s “Sonic” comic’s might have wracked up a decent sized body count over the years. They might have even flirted with killing off major characters, like Sally or Antoine. Yet Sega created cast members, especially post-Pendersing, were effectively immortal. Sega wasn’t even comfortable watching its characters age or grow emotionally. (The only previous time Sega allowed the comic to kill one of its creation was Robotnik’s death in “Endgame,” and that was strictly with the guarantee that he would return within a year.) Death was absolutely off the menu, even for minor and forgotten characters like Marine the Raccoon.

Still, knowing all this, I do wish “Sonic Universe: Issue 56” hadn’t spoiled Amy, Cream, and Marine’s return on the cover. Why squander even a little bit of suspense, ya know? Aside from that, it’s a pretty misleading cover. No, the mechanic pirates do not eat fleshies. That would’ve been weird and fucked up and way too interesting for Sega to allow.

Anyway, “Pirate Plunder Panic: Part Two” begins with Captain Metal and his pirates carrying the captured Blaze to their island base. Following the fall-out of “Worlds Collide,” the remains of the Skull Egg have ended up in Blaze’s world. Metal intends to power the scavenged war ship with the Sol Emeralds and then use it to – what else? –  take over the world. Luckily for Blaze, her friends survived Marine’s ship being destroyed. They quickly arrive on the island and go about rescuing her.

The second part of this story is nowhere near as strong as the first. Tracy Yardley’s flaws as a writer come back to the forefront in a big way. There are some inspired plot turns here. I like the idea of the remains of Eggman and Wily’s plans from the crossover getting scattered across various dimensions. It goes to show that these events aren’t taking place in a vacuum and the book isn’t totally disregarding it’s past. (Not yet, anyway.) I also like the little robots that inhabit the island. They take the place of the stereotypical racist native islanders that usually appear in pirate fiction. They’re also just kind of charming, cute and bug-like.

However, a lot of Yardley’s decisions border on the lazy. Amy, Cream, and Marine survived the sinking of her ship by hiding out in an explosion proof chest. That’s fine and was even foreshadowed last time. The lazy part comes when the trio are rescued by a pod of dolphins, who are luckily of the friendly variety and not the raping and murdering kind. That alone is a pretty blatant ass-pull – especially since, post-reboot, dolphins are now anthromorphized Mobians – but it gets worst. Cheese the Chao can communicate with the dolphins and they tell him where Blaze and the pirates are. How convenient! Later, Bean’s inability to control himself around shiny things and Marine’s more general lack of self-control creates a very inorganic cliffhanger.

Aside from some pretty awkward middle act reshuffling, the second part of “Pirates Plunder Panic” also suffers from Yardley’s love of obnoxiously juvenile humor. While Blaze is being carried to the base, Bean informs his robotic cohorts that he needs a potty break. After an outburst from Blaze is met with an electric cattle prod, Bean states he no longer needs to use the bathroom. Ewwww. I really didn’t need the mental image of Bean uncontrollably pissing or shitting himself mere inches from Blaze’s face. As far as I can remember, this is only the second poop joke to ever appear in the comic book’s history, following that time Catweazle took a crap on Vector’s head. The comic was usually better than that.

Bathroom humor isn’t the only desperate tactic Yardley employs here in the hopes of getting a laugh. He also relies on obnoxiously in-your-face pop culture references. Captain Metal keeps the heads of other robot pirates impaled on stakes around the island. Which is pretty fucked up but Yardley uses it as an excuse to make a “Monty Python and the Holy Grail” reference. Because those are always hilarious. Yardley seems to think just acknowledging another series exist alone counts as a joke. He has one of Metal’s lackeys promise Blaze she’ll stay in “one piece.” If you missed the caveman club obvious homage to massively popular pirate-themed anime “One Piece” there, Yardley makes sure the word are bolded.

Ian Flynn has said he finds Marine the Raccoon annoying but a lot of fans, including me to some degree, find her gibberish-strewn banterings to be endearing. Yardley leans too hard on Marine’s eccentric qualities here, to the point that it feels like he’s picking on her. Amy threatens her, after her constant doom-saying frightens Cream. Marine’s the first to get grabbed by the little islander robots. As I said, she’s also responsible for the comic’s cliffhanger, as she just walks up to Captain Metal and starts yelling at him. Amy even shows some reluctance about rescuing her. Okay, we get it, Yardley, you think it’s cool to make fun of the Raccoon. Ease off, would ya? (Especially since Bean is no less annoying and Yardley obviously loves him.)

Despite these very serious flaws, the comic still has a badass villain. Captain Metal’s origin confirms that he’s the previously destroyed Metal Sonic, though this information continues to be kept in the shadows because of Sega’s dumb-ass mandates. The backstory states that Metal is constantly improving, by adding components from the robots he’s slayed to himself. One of the few comedic beats in this issue that actually occurs when Metal responses to Marine’s rant by swiftly and compassionlessly shooting at her. As I said last time, Captain Metal’s brutal efficiency makes him a serious enough threat to overcome his goofy pirate gimmick.

So it’s a pretty weak issue. Yardley’s focus on pedestrian humor and sloppy plotting really drains a lot of momentum from the excellent first part. Blaze also spends nearly the entire comic inactive, which also bugs me a little. Will Yardley rediscover the spark that made the beginning so entertaining? I guess we’ll find out soon enough. [5/10]

Sonic the Hedgehog: Issue 252

Sonic the Hedgehog: Issue 252
Publication Date: September 2013

After bitching for weeks – maybe years? – about the reboot, we have finally arrived at that point. And I’m so overwhelmed with thoughts that I’m not even sure where to start. When I picked up this comic book in 2013, I wasn’t aware that it was the start of an entirely different continuity. I found Flynn wiping away all the conflicts from before “Worlds Collide” to be an incredibly lazy solution and an especially unsatisfactory conclusion to the year long Mecha Sally arc. I actively wondered if this stop-off in an alternate universe was temporary. Upon investigating online, I learned of the terrible Pendering. The old world was gone, probably forever. This is the new status quo. Get use to it. Adapt or die.

So let me just air some general grievances. Yes, a reboot was probably the only reasonable solution to Penders’ lawsuit. Ken would only lend Archie his concepts if he was given complete control of their use, a ridiculous offer Sega would obviously never agree to. And what writer would want to give Ken Penders veto power over their work? Rebuilding the comic’s universe to remove all of Penders’ ideas, which made up the bulk of the world’s history, was the best and maybe only option.

(It’s never been confirmed if Penders’ contemporaries signed proper work-for-hire agreements or if they were similarly accidentally granted ownership of their creations. Considering Archie’s obviously lackadaisical approach to the matter back in the day – and that Scott Fulop would eventually sue for the rights to his characters – we can assume the latter. Either way, Flynn’s stuff was the only pre-Genesis Wave material Archie would be willing to touch from now on.)

It’s Ian Flynn’s handling of this matter that irritates me. As far as I’m concerned, there would’ve been two ways to reboot the book. The first of which would’ve been a blank slate solution. Tear away everything and completely start over at zero. Something like this: Sonic is a loner living in the Green Hill Zone, or part of a small family unit with Tails and Uncle Chuck I mean, Sir Charles. Eggman, having performed his coup of the local monarchy, begins his takeover of the scenic countryside. Chuck is captured and Roboticized. Sonic and Tails are determined to rescue their mentor. They soon meet up with the burgeoning Freedom Fighters, led by the disposed Princess Sally. They join their ranks and the fight against the growing Eggman Empire begins again. Basically a fusion of the original game plot and SatAM. That would’ve made sense, right?

But I can understand not wanting to completely start over. After all, the comic could still use the characters and ideas created by Ian Flynn. So why not basically pick up where you left off but replace Penders’ material with similar substitutes? Julie-Su becomes Perci the Bandicoot or whatever. Knuckles must now rescue the imprisoned natives of Angel Island, who are not echidnas but do include a mother figure of his, as well as the half-mechanized Egg Troopers. Geoffrey St. John (the skunk) is replaced with the treacherous Hamish Le Carre. (A badger.) Fiona Fox becomes Valerie Vulpine or what have you. You get the idea. It would’ve been convoluted as fuck but at least it would’ve allowed Flynn to basically finish what he started.

Instead of completely starting over or filling the book up with ten thousand ersatz replacements, Ian went with some half-assed in-between measure. The general set-up – Sonic and the Freedom Fighters defend the free world against Eggman’s robotic tyranny – is basically the same. But most of the characters are gone. The comic’s long history has been replaced with a messed-up fusion of Sega’s rather vague continuity, assorted DiC elements, and Flynn’s stuff. Instead of starting at a neutral beginning point, Flynn drops Sonic into the middle of an adventure he can’t really recall, surrounded by new versions of his friends with fractured memories. He doesn’t finish the Mecha Sally story or any of the prior continuities’ other lingering plot points. He gives the illusion of a history but marches forward with only occasional half-nods at some nonexistent past.

It is, to say the least, a deeply unsatisfying decision. Worst yet, Flynn gave readers false hope that the original continuity may return. When Sonic, Tails, and Naugus (who gains the humiliating nickname of Wally for some stupid reason) touch Nicole’s restored handheld form, they are overwhelmed by memories of their past life. That suggests the old continuity still exists in some form, right? Nope! It’s gone forever. Sonic hasn’t even been dropped into some alternate version of Mobius either, because Penders took the multiverse with him too. The “old memories” angle was a smokescreen, a way for the comic to trick old readers into thinking everything they cared about still mattered, so they wouldn’t immediately drop the book.

Oh, by the way, the planet’s not called Mobius anymore. Because Sega says so. Another side effect of the Pendering is Sega actually paying attention to the comic now. Thus the era of the corporate mandates really kicks in. The video game characters can no longer have blood relatives or romances. This would force extensive reworkings of the relatives that stuck around. Sir Charles is now strictly a figurative uncle to all the Freedom Fighters and Snively, who got one of the worst redesigns, is just some asshole G.U.N. scientist. Sonic, Knuckles, and Tails’ parents were tossed into oblivion. Mighty’s little sister too, I guess. The capital city is still called Mobotropolis though, because Sega doesn’t pay that much attention.

I guess we should be grateful the comics were allowed to keep the Freedom Fighters and some of their relationships. They were given redesigns that fit in more with the games, a highly controversial change that was decided upon even before the reboot was announced. I’ll bitch more about the redesigned Freedom Fighters as we come to them. King Acorn and Sally are the only ones we see in this issue. Sally’s redesign is fine, I guess, but it’s a little too streamlined for my taste. She keeps the blue vest and boots but looses the cheek ruffles. Despite now wearing bicycle shorts and a tank top, she’s also been stripped completely of her sex appeal. Her curves are gone, replaced with gentle and cute roundness. That feels like some deeply late attempt to curtail furry perversion. Sally still looks like Sally but it’s a pretty boring version of Sally.

I’m ten paragraphs into his rant so I guess I should actually talk about issue 251’s plot. Despite the title, “At All Costs, Part 2” is not really a continuation of 247’s cover story. Sonic is dropped into New Mobotropolis. Which is now just Mobotropolis and is no longer made of nanites because, yep, Ken owns those too. Though baffled by his confused memories, Sonic fights the giant monster version of Tails Doll attacking the city. After defeating the monster, he rescues a healthy, less dickish King Acorn. (Who can no longer be called Max because, yeah, that was also Ken.) Naugus, powerless somehow and now fled, had imprisoned the king and taken over the city. The Freedom Fighters have been scattered across the globe, with Sally creeping through Eggman’s Arctic base. Sonic and Tails go on a trip to find them.

Any benefits of the issue’s individual plot is completely crushed by the ramifications of the reboot. I’m sorry, I can’t care about Tails Doll attacking the city when it’s not even the city I know. I’m much more preoccupied with the fate of the world and cast I love. I guess the action is decent. Evan Stanley’s artwork is strong. I actually really like King Acorn’s redesign. One of the pluses of the reboot is the chance to remake previously annoying characters. So now King Acorn is a benevolent ruler, instead of a crotchety old douchebag. Elias and his wife are cast into the void though, being another Penders’ creation, which I wish felt like more of a loss.

Like every facet of the Sonic fandom, there’s a division here. Some love the reboot. This crowd also frequently declares that the pre-boot stories were never good, because Sonic fans are too often an all-or-nothing crowd. For long time readers deeply attached to the old verse, a reboot was never going to be satisfying. But dropping us into a more-or-less totally new world and just expecting us to roll with it? And then launching into a nearly three year long adaptation of “Sonic Unleashed,” a not especially well regarded game? Nah. Sorry, Ian. I like you but that’s some major bullshit.

Here’s the hard truth: Flynn bungled the reboot right out of the gate and would continue to bungle it on-and-off throughout the next three years. Mistakes were made. So what rating can I even give this story? As an action piece, it’s competent and presents some new opportunities. But as the beginning of a new world, it’s undeniably fucked-up. My gut says I should just forego a rating all together. My heart is saying something like a 4. And I’m an overly emotional man-baby, so my heart wins. [4/10]