SOME THOUGHTS ON THE CHIP 'N DALE: RESCUE RANGERS MOVIE...

When Disney randomly announced that they were making a movie out of “Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers,” I wasn't really sure what to expect. Reboots of old kid properties that mash up real actors with CGI animals is not, ya know, a genre that's typically good. And it's not like “Rescue Rangers” was a show anyone was asking for a feature film adaptation of. Okay, I know for a fact the show has hardcore fans. Even for people who are old like me, who actually watched the show when it was originally airing, “Rescue Rangers” is best remembered for its insanely catchy theme song. (And for producing an object of such intense furry lust that she's literally worshiped as a goddess by some people.) 

When it was announced that the Lonely Island guys would be starring in and co-writing the movie, that gave me some dim hope that maybe a fresh angle was being brought to this unnecessary project. After the trailer was released earlier this year, I lost pretty much all interest in the thing. The cameo-dotted teaser made it clear that “Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers” would belong to the “I.P. Orgy” genre. I think the maddening horror of “Space Jam 2” last year totally burned me out on this most cynical of modern corporate products. I figured I would have no cause to watch this movie, much less write about it.

But here I am, writing about it after all. And if you're a reading of this blog, you probably know why. Completely unexpectedly and utterly inexplicably, Sonic the Hedgehog is in the “Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers” movie. Not just any version of Sonic but what the movie calls “Ugly Sonic.” That would be the infamous version of the hedgehog from the notorious first trailer for the first movie. Amazingly, this is not just a one-off cameo, like the real Sonic's appearances in the “Wreck-It Ralph” films. Ugly Sonic is a running gag throughout “Chip 'n Dale,” appearing in several scenes and even cropping back up during the finale. The malformed video game icon is, with no exaggeration, a plot point. 

How do I, as someone who takes his blue hedgehogs far too seriously, feel about this? It's definitely surreal to me that Sonic, much less a rejected design for him, would be a supporting character in a Disney movie. It goes to show how quickly internet memes permeate through society these days that Ugly Sonic went from fandom in-joke to gag in a major motion picture within just two short years. “Chip 'n Dale” cracks most of the same jokes here that the internet did, fixating on this Sonic's freakishly humanoid teeth.

Furthermore, it's been odd seeing the “Sonic” fandom loose its collective mind over this appearance. I guess having “Ugly Sonic” as the lead of your big budget movie, representing all of the “Sonic” franchise to a wide audience, is very different than having him exist as an absurd joke in a straight-to-streaming comedy. Ugly Sonic's appearance here – as a washed-up celeb at a convention (though I guess, considering he's a rejected design, he's more of a never-was than a has-been) – certainly plays into the cultural perception of the “Sonic” franchise as over-the-hill and targeted at weirdo outsiders. He's chubby, a loser, and has a craggy smoker's voice. The character does redeem himself at the end, which maybe speaks to how “Sonic” as a franchise has been doing better here of late. 

Ugly Sonic is not the only bizarre, unexpected cameo in this movie. As you might expect, there's small appearance here from Disney-owned characters like Bonkers, Roger Rabbit, Phineas' mom, Scrooge McDuck, and Marvel superhero Tigra. (Specifically, the Tigra from “Avengers: United They Stand,” which really is a deep cut.) Yet more confusing are when non-Disney properties, like Sonic, randomly drop in here. He-Man, Skeletor, some little ponies, Batman, E.T., the “Fast and the Furious” guys, Voltron, Shrek, Beavis, and Randy Marsh all have cameos. Nickelodeon is mentioned by name. I expected vague homage to the likes of Gumby, Transformers, or Robert Zemecksis' “Beowulf.” We get those. Yet it is surprising that Disney went so far as to actually legally clear appearances from characters that they don't even own.

After a while, I quickly realized something else: These references are pretty much the only jokes the movie actually has. There are a couple of cute gags throughout. Such as Chip's taste in music or a surprise voice actor for one of the original cartoon's cast members. Yet long stretches of “Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers” are totally lifeless. Much of the comedy relies upon totally inert banter between the two chipmunks, John Mulaney and Andy Samberg lifelessly trading banter full of stale quips. Gags that could've been clever, like a visit to an area devoted to early, off-putting CGI characters, are overexplained. By the end, those cameo appearances become the primary punchlines, making “Chip 'n Dale” feel like the Disney equivalent of a Seltzer/Friedberg joint, where a well-known character simply appearing constitutes a punchline.

By far the film's most painful sequence is an impromptu rap number, which feels like it goes on forever. This is a callback to an earlier moment, where Chip criticizes Alvin and the Chipmunks for demeaning themselves by doing the “cute CGI animals rap” cliché. But, ya know, the movie still does that shitty cliché. This isn't the only example. The finale indulges another cliché of the buddy cop genre, the script simply stating that this plot device is worn-out, predictable, and overdone and then doing it anyway. Being ironic and self-referential about shitty, hacky writing doesn't make it any less shitty or hacky. 

The character arcs are similarly route and uninspired. Dale is a washed-up celeb, chasing his long past fame and valuing that more than friendship. Naturally, he learns the true lesson about companionship. Meanwhile, stuffy Chip, who has become accustomed to mediocrity, gets back in touch with his adventuring days before the story is through. Another story stereotype that's followed is the arc of the child actor. You might've read that the film's villain is a middle-age Peter Pan, who has become a crime lord after aging out of his Boy That Never Grew Up role. This is probably a reference to the life of Bobby Driscol, the original voice actor of Peter Pan who had a famously troubled post-Disney life. That's in questionable taste to begin with but it's actually worst than that: “Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers” isn't actually about fame or how the film industry chews up vulnerable young people and spits them out. It gives the antagonist this sympathetic backstory but still plays him as a two-dimensional villain. By the end, he's even robbed of his humanity.  

Ultimately, much like “Space Jam: A New Legacy,” “Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers” is a crass studio product that is philosophically hollow. (Though it is, if nothing else, less eye-rendingly hideous than that movie.) If you examine its plot for more than a second, that becomes especially apparent. This is a movie, made by a massive entertainment corporation, about the evils of bootleg merchandise. The ultimate goal of the villainous scheme is to devalue corporate intellectual property. This is Disney propaganda and nakedly so. Now that the House That Mickey Built is devouring other companies in an never-ending quest to totally dominate pop culture, I have increasingly little patience for this kind of shit. 

This is all the more painful because I love animation. Disney, of course, built its reputation on animation... Which makes it all the more painful that the animation here is actually pretty shitty. Part of the movie's world is that CGI and traditionally animated characters co-exist with humans. Yet the traditionally animated characters are, in fact, created through incredibly cheap looking cell-shaded CGI. Chip, Peter, and a couple other characters look like fucking V-Tubers. How can a company, beloved for its history of rich, hand-drawn animation, allow something this ugly and tacky to come out? It just makes the film seem all the more empty, a dead-inside product that is masquerading as a celebration of the medium. 

But, yeah, it is weird and interesting that Ugly Sonic is in this movie. (And it's extremely funny that some of those aforementioned hardcore furries are seething over a minor reveal. I'm also amused that all the Rescue Rangers are played by A-list actors known for being on-screen... Except Gadget, because Tress MacNeille is apparently unreplaceable.) That's the whole reason I watched this fucking thing and why I'm blogging about it. Sorry I kind of went on a rant though. Anyway, I don't really recommend this film. I'm sure a Youtube clip compilation of the Sonic scenes will be up soon enough, if it's not already. If you're a curious hedgehog fanboy, just watch those instead. Don't give your time or money to this one otherwise. One or two odd or funny gag is not enough to justify this ultimately lazy, empty, and self-congratulatory experience. [4/10]