The 4Kids Stars Sing the National Anthem

This will mean nothing to readers outside the United States but, for my fellow Americans, you obviously know that today is July 4th. Otherwise known as Independence Day, the annual anniversary of America declaring its freedom from the British Empire. Of course, I'm not exactly a proud American. There's countless reasons to be ashamed of the things this country has done in pursuit of its manifest destiny. American history is awash in blood, imperialism, racism, and slavery. Moreover, the story of American independence we're all taught as kids is mostly bullshit. To quote someone wiser than me, the truth is a bunch of slave-owning, aristocratic, white males didn't want to pay their taxes. It's a myth created to instill a fervent nationalism in every U.S. child's heart, to make us uncritical of every evil thing our government does. To tie our personal identities to our national identities, so that we interpret any criticism of the state as insults against ourselves. This centuries-long campaign of patriotic propaganda has been incredibly successful and many grown-ass adults who really should know better still tear up with pride on this day. 

And it doesn't help that Fourth of July is one of the dumbest holidays. In my state, where fireworks laws are lax, pretty much the entire month is inundated with explosive noise. Every night, and even frequently during the day, the sky fills up with bright colors – which are pretty, sure – but also a ceaseless cacophony that scares my dog and gives veterans everywhere PTSD flashbacks. But there is, buried somewhere deep within me, a nostalgic longing for the July 4ths of my childhood. When the day meant trying to write my name with sparklers, watching colorful lights plume into the night sky, and eating hot dogs and potato salad at backyard cookouts. 

What does any of this have to do with Sonic the Hedgehog? Nothing at all! However, this national day of American exceptionalism does give me an excuse to talk about one of the stranger relics of "Sonic X" history. In 2006, 4Kids Entertainment was still going strong. The Fox Box had mutated into 4Kids TV but the company's various shows and anime dubs still dominated many children's Saturday mornings. And "Sonic X" remained a part of the brand, even if the show ended its initial run that year. In fact, if Wikipedia is to be believed, it seems "Sonic X" disappeared from the 4Kids TV schedule from June of 2006 into May of 2007. Nevertheless, 4Kids obviously still considered "Sonic X" a trademark program of the weekend morning block. That July, the blue hedgehog and Knuckles would be included in an... unusual promo. 

Yes, I am talking about the infamous "The Stars of 4Kids Sing the National Anthem" video. There's not much information out there about this notorious minute and 33 seconds long spot, or even when it first aired. Fourth of July fell on a Tuesday in 2006 so I'm guessing this played the weekend before. (If not the weekends before, considering the way Saturday morning cartoon blocks replay and recycle promos.) Until someone writes the definitive oral history about this thing, we can only speculate on how it came to be. Whatever the reason, someone at 4Kids thought it would be funny or cute or maybe even patriotic to have a bunch of their cartoon characters – or, more accurately, the English dub voice actors for the characters the company licensed – sing The Star-Spangled Banner as a way to commemorate the annual celebration of American independence. If you've never seen this particular production, I recommend you do so now. 

Let me just run through this thing, because you really have to: The commercial begins with a CGI stock image of the old red, white, and blue, an announcer preparing us for this, and a succession of characters presented in shining stars. A selection of cast members from “Sonic X,” “Winx Club,” the 2003 “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,” 4Kids' forgotten localization of “Tokyo Mew Mew” and their widely loathed dub of “One Piece” proceed to sing their way through the Star Spangled Banner. A different character handles every other line or so, before the group comes together for the conclusion. The 4Kids announcer returns at the end to confirm that this was all done to celebrate the 4th of July. 

The real question “The Stars of 4Kids Sing the National Anthem” makes me ask is: Why was this done? One assumes that the intention behind this particular advertisement was humor. That the contrast between the solemnness of “The Star Spangled Banner” and the goofy cartoon characters singing it was meant to generate chuckles. The most obvious joke occurs when Master Splinter belts out a line with a rather operatic voice. This might also explains why several of these characters, most notably Luffy and some other weird guy from “One Piece,” screech through their lines in an ear-splitting fashion not dissimilar to Rosanne Barr's notorious rendition of the anthem. Michaelangelo's singing voice is also not easily appreciated. 

Of course, goofing on the American anthem is the kind of thing liable to offend certain sensibilities. (See, once again, Roseanne's performance.) “The Star Spangled Banner” is, after all, a song bound up in all sorts of feelings of patriotism, the meaning of the American flag and institutions, war victories, and those who have died achieving said victories. Those are all pretty touchy subjects to stomp all over in a goofy cartoon advertisement. So maybe this promo is entirely sincere. Maybe the fact that “The Star Spangled Banner” is notoriously hard to sing can be blamed for the obnoxious vocals heard here. 

There's something else I can't help but notice: Almost none of these cartoon characters are American. “One Piece” is a Japanese show. “Winx Club” is an Italian show. Even in the truncated 4Kids version, “Tokyo Mew Mew” still has a Japanese city in its title. “Sonic X” is at least set in America, though it's still a Japanese show starring Japanese-created characters. Only the “Ninja Turtles” are actually American characters from an American city. And even then, I'm pretty sure Splinter is a Japanese immigrant. I'm doubtful that was a deliberately ironic choice, that these obviously non-American characters would be singing the American National Anthem. But it still adds to the weirdness of this entire thing. 

For whatever it's worth, the “Sonic X” cast members don't exactly embarrass themselves. Jason Griffin's vocals are nasally but not eardrum destroying. The guy voicing Knuckles actually has an okay baritone. Like everything 4Kids did, this is also hastily thrown together and half-assed. The final shot, of everyone assembled before the flag, has Knuckles cut off at the waist. Despite that, this still manages to be almost as jarring a contribution to “Sonic” history as “The Fight for the Fox Box.” (Review of that coming soon.) Did 4Kids do any other weird, embarrassing shit with the “Sonic X” characters when they had the rights for the show? 

Baffling, tasteless, and very dumb, it's unsurprising that this less-than-two-minute long promo has become a minor classic of internet comedy. I'm not exactly sure how I managed to write 1368 words about it, but that should show you how stunning this particular video is. I watched it about six times while writing this blog entry and I'm afraid I was starting to kind of like it by the end. As for all my fellow Americans, I hope you enjoy some fireworks, a patriotically colored novelty hat, or at least got holiday pay today. To any “Sonic” fans reading this from other parts of the globe, I apologize for all the terrible shit my country has done today.