Sonic Underground, Episode 1.19: The Jewel of the Crown

Sonic Underground, Episode 1.19: The Jewel of the Crown

Original Air Date: September 23rd, 1999

I'm finally past the halfway point with "Sonic Underground" and it's only taken me three months to get there. You, the reader, won't realize this as I'm writing this review several months before it's scheduled to go up. Yet my habit of watching an episode of this show daily has slipped a lot. 2021 has been a year full of personal and emotional challenges. I'm not saying trying to watch and write about "Sonic Underground" everyday has added to my depression – though maybe I am? – but this has been a pretty tedious experience so far. Now, at least I'm far closer to the end than before.

"The Jewel of the Crown" begins with Manic piloting a mechanical/spying device into Robotnik's inner most chamber. He reveals a plan to retrieve Queen Alena's crown jewel, which has recently gone up for sale and supposedly glows the closer to the Queen it is. Dingo sits on the spy-bug just before the name of the merchant is revealed, forcing Sonic, Sonia, and Manic to track the guy down in the city of Emporium. They manage to grab the jewel and get it away from Sleet and Dingo. The flashing crystal does not lead them to their mom but into a more perilous situation instead. 

There's not a lot about "The Jewel of the Crown" that interests me but one scene was kind of funny. After hearing about the jewel, Sonic and his siblings discuss how they'll retrieve it. Since they don't have the funds to simply buy the jewel, Manic suggests stealing it. The others insist this is immoral... Before Sonic suggests that the Queen would never sell her crown, so it must've been stolen from her. A short debate follows about whether stealing a stolen item back, to return to its rightful owner, is morally right or not. The disconnect in this show's need to teach common sense values to kids while also having a kleptomaniac as a main character has never been more apparent. It's also kind of funny, the siblings bickering about ethics. Sadly, the moral logistics of ownership and theft is dropped soon afterwards. 

Mostly, "The Jewel of the Crown" strikes me as a sloppily written episode, even by the hastily scribbled standards of this show. After the heroes get their hands on the gem, it leads them into a weird tunnel in the jungle. They don't find their mom inside but a decoy with a camera. The tunnel is then reveled to be the innards of a massive carnivorous plant. Apparently, this was meant to be some sort of trap for Robotnik but I'm not sure how the hell this was supposed to work. It's repeatedly emphasized that the jewel only glows when it's near Alena. So why did it glow in proximity to this decoy? Since the Queen is always watching over her kids, why didn't she intervene when they stumbled into her trap? The jewel dealer, who was in on the whole thing, goes out of his way to not sell the jewel to Sleet and Dingo. Finally, why try and lead Robotnik into the belly of a giant plant? Why not just, I don't know, shoot him or something? 

The episode concludes by Sonic and his siblings talking about what a strategic genius their mom is but this is some real galaxy brain level planning here. Must Queen Alena do everything in the most convoluted, ass-backwards fashion possible? (Considering the final scene is Alena watching her kids from afar and monologing on fate and hope to nobody in particular, I'm thinking she really is a huge weirdo.) But we all know the real reason why this story doesn't make much sense: Mark Edens was under a ridiculous deadline and had to crank out and turn in whatever half-nonsensical script he could. This is why you don't force your creative team to write two episodes a week, kids. 

Yet its senseless last act is still not the weirdest thing about this episode. During the wacky chase through the city with Sleet and Dingo, Sonic defeats the duo by... Filling their vehicle full of olive oil? This scene is then followed by the two wolves splashing around in the slimy substance. The fact that it's explicitly specified to be olive oil, and not just water or mud or whatever, is weird. Later, while escaping the giant plant, the duo are again covered and smothered, this time by some sort of tree sap. This is at least the second episode to feature sequences like this. I hate to always assume that "Sonic" cartoons are made by perverts but it's increasingly looking like someone who worked on "Sonic Underground" had a "gunge" fetish, a paraphilia that genuinely grosses me out. Well, at least it wasn't feet this time... 

The cherry on this dumb, messy sundae is another soul-crushing song. The city of Emporium seems inspired by Indian culture. There's a weird crab-like snake charmer with cobras with antenna. Everyone wears turbans. Just to make sure this is more offensive, Sonic and the gang perform a crudely "Indian" musical number, with painful vocals and melodies. "The Cosmic Dance" has lyrics referencing yoga, laying on a bed of nails, and MC Hammer pants. Sonic and Manic put on turbans while Sonia slinks around in a belly dancer outfit. I suppose there are worst stereotypes the show could've included – thankfully, nobody drives a cab or reference call centers – but this is still pretty unfortunate. A visually obnoxious hourglass filter is placed over nearly the entire number, making it hard to look at as well as listen to.

The only other thing I can think to say  about this episode is that there are several weirdly fluid moments of animation, alongside more typically twitchy cartooning. I don't know why that is. Anyway, it's another dreadful twenty-one minutes. But at least I only have eighteen more of these left to go. [4/10]

Sonic Underground, Episode 1.18: When in Rome...

Sonic Underground, Episode 1.18: When in Rome...

Original Air Date: September 22nd, 1999

"When in Rome...” – the city of Rome doesn't exist on Mobius but just go with it – begins with Sonic and his siblings having another close shave with Robotnik's forces. Feeling like they aren't making any progress, Sonic insists they meet with the Oracle again. The Oracle sends them on a wacky trip backwards in time to Mobius' past... Without their medallions. Stuck in a city/time period roughly analogous to Ancient Rome, Sonic and his siblings must defeat a local tyrant relying only upon their skills. 

In the past, I've commented that removing a superhero's powers usually makes for a compelling superhero story. Ya know, it's that whole idea that it's not the suit or super-strength that makes the hero, but his skills and ethics. Writer Len Janssen is attempting something like this here, by sending Sonic, Sonia, and Manic on an adventure sans medallions. But there's a problem: Even though this show has always depicted Sonic's speed as being an innate ability of his, he seemingly looses his fastness without his medallion here. Instead, Sonic spends most of the episode helping a minotaur/centaur thing feel more "cool" and confident. What the fuck? Did any kid tuning into a "Sonic" cartoon in 1999 want to see that? By sticking us in a wildly different location and giving us a slow Sonic, "When in Rome..." just emphasizes how disconnected "Underground" is from what Sonic is supposed to be. 

The episode's premise isn't just distant from what this franchise is supposed to be. I'm not sure it even makes sense for "Sonic Underground." I guess the triplets are tossed backwards in time... Yet the architecture is still quasi-futuristic looking. The part of Roman centurions are still played by SWATBots. (Though adding a cape and a Roman helmet actually makes their designs a little cooler.) This unnamed city is ruled over by Emperor Sleetus and his dumb muscle, Dingotus. Yes, it's Sleet and Dingo in Roman cosplay. Are these meant to be Sleet and Dingo's identical ancestors? Because they are so similar that this feels less like a time travel thing and more like an alternate universe thing.

As annoying as these issues are, they aren't what really bother me about this episode. "Sonic Underground" is a show that continues to mistake being vague for being intriguingly mysterious. Sonic show up at the Oracle's place asking for answers. He sends them on this time displaced side-quest instead, promising answers when they get back. So what does he tell these young heroes, after they've proved their mettle, I guess? He reiterates the prophecy that we've known since the first episode. (That the siblings will eventually reunite with their mom, form the Council of Four, and then defeat Robotnik.) He then hands them a fucking snow globe that includes some sort of cryptic hint about the future. 

Fuck you, Oracle! This is the thing that annoys the shit out of me about this show: The Oracle has the answers! He just refuses to share them! Queen Alena is free and seemingly aware of where her children are at all times! The only thing that's preventing the "Council of Four" from forming right now is that the Oracle says it isn't time, for vaguely defined reasons. Meanwhile, Robotnik is still in power, still fucking up the environment and roboticizing people. (Which, I'll repeat, is irreversible in this show.) The world is suffering because the Oracle wants to teach these three teenagers a lesson in responsibly or some shit. The entire premise of this series revolves around the whims of this wannabe Yoda chode. 

It's not good storytelling because the whole situation is so contrived, that all immersion is broken. In the past, I've compared "Sonic Underground's" preference for mystery-spouting mentors to Ken Penders' "Knuckles" stories... But this is actually worse than Penders, because at least Knuckles' world and personality were growing while the Brotherhood of Guardians jerked him around behind the scenes. The "Sonic Underground" characters are static and never evolve. Their motivation – they made a vow their mother would be found – can never change. So the entire endeavor feels hollow, pointless, and incredibly annoying. 

I'm reluctant to blame the writers, because I know the bullshit amount of pressure DiC was putting on them. Yet, at a certain point, you have to lay blame on the creative staff. Len Janssen continuously shows a misunderstanding of things throughout this episode. He thinks characters saying shit like "don't have a moose," "major yes," or Sonia correcting someone's grammar makes them seem cool or endearing, instead of fucking dorky. He thinks the triplets dethroning Emperor Sleetus and re-instating Emperor Augustine – trading one monarch for another – is an act of heroism. He thinks a mino-centaur wearing sunglasses and talking with a shaky John Wayne voice is entertaining. I'm sorry, Len, this is not your best work. 

Of course, all of "Sonic Underground" is built around perverse misunderstandings of what is cool or interesting. Look, once again, at the musical number for evidence of this. Being without their medallions/instruments does not keep Sonic and the gang from performing. While in a prison cell, Manic starts drumming bones on a skull. Sonic uses a stick threaded with some strings as a guitar. Sonia... Also drums with a bone. Despite the lack of electrical instruments, the siblings perform a quasi-hip-hop/funk track. It's cringe-y as fuck, as you'd expect. This sequence also features Sonia doing a weirdly sensual dance and Sonic playing his stick-guitar – which becomes an actual guitar in this one moment – with his mouth, Hendrix-style. Considering this "guitar" is literally a stick he found in a dirt floor, that is not sanitary. 

It's another baffling, frustrating, obnoxious episode of "Sonic Underground." "When in Rome..." is really only notable for one thing. Upon arriving in ancient not-Rome, Manic rescues a girl from being trampled by Dingotus' chariot. The chariot is pulled by a weird reptilian horse creature that somewhat resembles the Streaking Pasha, the weird reptilian horse creatures from the "Knuckles" comics. Whether this was an intentional nod to the comics or just a coincidence is unknown, though I'm leaning towards the latter. Especially since Dingo just calls it a "horse," and not a "Streaking Pasha," because even the "Sonic Underground" writers aren't as dorky as Ken Penders. [4/10]

Sonic Underground, Episode 1.17: Head Games

Sonic Underground, Episode 1.17: Head Games

Original Air Date: September 21st, 1999

"Head Games" begins with Sonic indulging a sudden craving for chili dogs, despite his sister's insistence that they get on the road. The chili dog vendor, under the instructions of Queen Alena, slips Sonic a coconut. Written on the dry and fibrous drupe is a message to head to Speedster Island. There, the native tribe is starving because there's no fish to capture anymore. Sleet, Dingo, and Bartleby arrive with the proposition to buy the island and turn it into a resort. (An obvious trick.) Mantu, the chief's son, prayers to the island's hedgehog-shaped idols to save them... Which is when Sonic and his siblings arrive. 

"Head Games" deserves some points for almost being a compelling depiction of colonialism. Robotnik is responsible for the native's food source drying up. (He's described as "scaring off" the fish, instead of just killing them via pollution.) He sends in envoys to buy up the land for cheap, building resorts there that will be worth far more than the initial bid. The native tribes will be displaced but are promised jobs... When the plan is to actually roboticize them as soon as possible. It's a familiar story – not dissimilar to the one of the Americas – but one that we must always be reminded of. 

Yet any subversive, anticolonial quality that might've been gleamed from "Head Games" is tarnished by its not exactly flattering portrayal of indigenous people. Mantu and his tribe wear colorful mumus and loin clothes, not dissimilar to Hawaiian culture. (A clear inspiration for the episode.) Yet they also have feathered headdresses, not unlike the stereotypical Wild West Indian. The idea of an island culture with big-headed stone idols is obviously meant to bring Easter Island and its world famous Moai monoliths to mind. Mantu, meanwhile, has a vaguely Jamaican sounding accent, obviously provided by a white actor. His dad is voiced by Garry Chalk's "Beast Wars" co-star, Blu Mankuna, who doesn't apply any specific accent to the character. 

It's an unspecific mishmash of different "primitive" cultures, which is definitely some shade of culturally insensitive. Yet even this isn't the most offensive part. We never learn much about Mantu's tribe or their culture, beyond the statues they pray to. All we really know about them is that they are destined to be saved by foreigners. Their entire religion, or at least all we know about it, is based around waiting to be saved by people from outside their own culture. While Sonic and his siblings are all voiced by a black guy, kind of dispelling any white savior undertones, they are also royalty born in distinctly European-style castles. This would be like the Prince of England showing up to save Native Americans from the white settlers, as prophesized by the Americans' own beliefs. It's, at best, extremely dumb and, at worst, racist in a way I'm too tired to really dig into right now. 

Not that I suspect writer Michael Edens was intentionally sneaking some weird message into this otherwise anticolonial story. As always, I'm reading way too much into a stupid children's cartoon that was quickly and cheaply produced without too much thought being put into it. So let's instead talk about how generally weird this episode is. It's low-key hilarious to me that even a common hot dog vendor is part of Queen Alena's secret network. So many people know what the Queen is doing, that I really don't know why Robotnik has had so much trouble finding her. Or her own kids, for that matter. She's literally right over Sonic's shoulder in this scene, directing instruction being sent to him just out of sight. If only he had turned around in that moment!

Something else that's weird: Considering Sonic, Sonia, and Manic were depicted as iconography by an obviously ancient culture, I'm just curious about how wide-spread and deep this prophecy goes. It seems literally the entire planet, including remote cultures, were waiting for these guys to come along. They even named their home Speedster Island. I know this is just because of dumb, shallow writing but, when examined for a minute, it gives the impression that Sonic is this universal legend on Mobius, with magical, mystical links to every culture on the planet. Their pendants are linked to the islanders' massive statues, buried in the ground after thousands of years... So can we assume that the Oracle and his cronies have been planning this shit for eons? This dumb plot point raises so many questions that this dumb cartoon is not prepared to answer.

The fact that I'm thinking so much about this suggests "Head Games" might be a little better than your average "Underground" episode. Maybe... But it still has lots of the typical terrible/uncomfortable shit you associate with this show. The episode opens with a shot of Sonic's grumbling tummy, leading to an extend sequence of him drooling over chili dogs, scarfing them down in graphic detail, and then burping in Sonia's face. I'm not saying this is a sex thing but I definitely didn't want to see that. There's also the typical shit of Dingo's flesh being twisted into horrible new forms, including a vine/boa constrictor monstrosity at the end. There's also a pretty funny scene where Sonia starts randomly doing somersaults while fighting SWATBots. That made me laugh. 

Of course, no discussion about "Sonic Underground" being weird and dumb can be complete without mentioning the music. Today's song is called "Take a Chance," which is not an ABBA cover but an embarrassing attempt at reggae music. (This includes the guy who provides Sonic's singing voice doing a bad accent.) It's a song about taking a chance on new experiences, which doesn't really relate to the episode's themes in any way. Yet this is not the most annoying thing about the song. It's placed early in the episode, after Sonic and the gang first meet Mantu. This is despite the episode's climax involving the royal triplets bringing the statues to life with the power of their rocking. Wouldn't that have been the more appropriate place for a big musical number? 

One baffling decision after another was made with this episode, which I guess is also true of the entire series. At least "Head Games" has some good ideas contained within it, which is more than I can say for a lot of these episodes. Also, I guess the title is a pun about the great big stone heads the statues have? Boy, they really didn't put any thought into this, did they? [5/10]

Sonic Underground, Episode 1.16: Friend or Foe?

Sonic Underground, Episode 1.16: Friend or Foe?

Original Air Date: September 20th, 1999

For many "Sonic" fans who are teenagers or just now growing into their twenties, Knuckles has always been part of the franchise. The modern interpretation of the character, a big galoot who is one of Sonic's closest friends and characterized largely by his strength, is all they've ever known. They certainly don't remember when Knuckles was this mysterious character with uncertain alliances. I can't really undersell what a big deal Knuckles was for "Sonic" fans in the nineties. He was a different breed of cool from Sonic, rougher and more ambiguous. I'm certain, among some fans, he was even more beloved than the titular hedgehog.

For fans like me, whose fandom was largely informed by the cartoon shows, I was always chomping at the bit to see Knuckles in animation. This is the sole ace "Sonic Underground" had up its sleeve. With the Japanese OVA unseen by most fans at the time, the sixteenth episode of "Underground" was the beloved echidna's de-facto first appearance in animation. Most of the defenses I've seen of "Underground" are based entirely around it being Knuckles' sole animated appearance for a long time. Now the time has come for me to reflect on this particular incarnation of Sonic's oldest rival.

"Friend or Foe?" is one of the few – maybe the only? – episodes of "Underground" to be directly inspired by the video games, as the plot is loosely based on "Sonic 3." Sonic, Manic, and Sonia ride a weird space capsule vehicle to the legendary and mysterious Floating Island. The Queen is supposedly a regular visitor to this place. Sleet and Dingo track them there, in hopes of retrieving the Chaos Emerald that keeps the island afloat for Robotnik. They soon encounter Knuckles, the island's fabled protector, and trick him into thinking the triplets are the thieves. Conflict soon emerges between Sonic and Knuckles, while the canines sneak off to nag the Emerald.

How does Knuckles fare in his first non-game/non-comic book American appearance? The "Underground" character designers more-or-less stick to his established look. The wonkiness of the animation – more on that later – still has him looking weirdly chubby and Snoopy-ish most of the time. But at least he looks like Knuckles. Since "Friend or Foe?" follows the same outline as "Sonic 3," even down to Knuckles first appearing by exploding out of the earth, his personality is basically intact. He's a rough-and-tumble guy who is so devoted to his duty that he's easily gullible. He also displays a smidge of the guilt and introspection that gave the Archie version of Knuckles so much depth. Veteran V.O. actor Brian Drummond voices him and he sounds a lot closer to the Knuckles I hear in my head when I read the comics than the comically gruff voices the video games usually give him.

Knuckles is mostly intact but, since "Sonic Underground" is an exceptionally bizarre variation on this franchise, it still has to put its own spin on the Floating Island. Knuckles, for whatever reason, has a pet dinosaur named Chomps. He's the only dinosaur to appear on this show and no explanation is given for where he came from or what he's doing here. He acts like a vicious attack dog in earlier scenes before snorting and hooting comically later on. This Floating Island doesn't resemble any previous version of the location, mostly composed of non-descript forest with the occasional weird looking tree. Knuckles has seemingly littered the entire island with traps and that's mostly what he uses in his fight against Manic and Sonia, to the point that it quickly gets ridiculous.

I do like one or two elements from this version of the Floating Island. The chamber the Chaos Emerald is kept in is lined with green crystal formations, a touch that the comic would eventually utilize many years later. There's also a brief scene of Sonic uncovering a hatch in a tunnel that reminds me of the comic's Zoot Chute. But, overall, there's no attempt to integrate the Floating Island into the show's lore. Queen Alena has visited in the past and left a message there for her kids. How she got there or why is never explained. While it's warned that the island will fall from the sky without the Chaos Emerald, it seems to float just fine after Sleet and Dingo make off with it.

I guess "Underground" treats Knuckles okay but it's hard to say for certain, as this episode is largely focused on action. After Sleet and Dingo's deception is established, most of the episode is devoted to Sonic and Knuckles rumbling. And it is, simply put, some of the worst action scenes I've ever seen in a cartoon. Knuckles has exactly one move: Spinning his hands like buzz saws. The show renders this as his arms turning into swirly red circles. He does this countless times in this twenty-one minutes. Sonic, meanwhile, just runs or spins around Knuckles, the two rarely coming to physical blows. This means a long stretch of "Friend or Foe?" is devoted to a blue blur and a pair of red blurs bouncing off each other. The awkwardness of these fight scenes is best emphasized by a moment where Knuckles destroys a bridge Sonic is standing on, out on the island's edge. In a baffling moment, the hedgehog stiffly floats through the air before fireballing through the island's surface.

It's not just the fight scenes that are badly animated. The entire episode is rife with off-model moments and doofy perspective work. Like I said, the size of Knuckles' extremities and body weight seems to shift from moment to moment. This is not the only thing that changes shape throughout the episode. The Chaos Emerald goes from the size of a soccer ball to smaller to bigger and back again multiple times. A particularly hilarious moment has Sonic growing in to massive size to rescue Knuckles. Sonia's keyboard blaster is weirdly jagged in one scene. There's not even much in the way of visual continuity, as Dingo is randomly wearing colorful boxer shorts in one scene without explanation. With the terribly stiff fight scenes and the shoddy character animation, "Friend or Foe?" becomes almost unwatchable at times.

Considering it actually has a new character, setting, and MacGuffin to introduce, there's really no time for a musical number in "Friend Or Foe?" Yet DiC's executive demands that every episode contain a song would not be denied. "Not Always What They Seem" rocks out while the triplets and Knuckles team-up to drive Sleet, Dingo, and the SWATBots off the island. The vocals are nasally and the music is generic pop-rock sludge. The lyrics plainly spell out the point of the episode, of judging people based on their actions and not what you hear about them. It sucks. The most notable thing about this sequence is when Manic defeats a SWATBot by tapping it on the head with a drumstick. Man, Robotnik makes really poor quality robots in this show.

The novelty of seeing Knuckles in animation made "Friend or Foe?" notable in 1999. Nowadays, we have far better options if we want to see a cartoon version of our favorite echidna. While this episode is about standard level quality, as far as writing goes for this show, the atrocious animation brings it down to a new low. [4/10]

Sonic Underground, Episode 1.15: Sonic Tonic

Sonic Underground, Episode 1.15: Sonic Tonic

Original Air Date: September 17th, 1999

So Robotnik is scorching a jungle to the ground to find a rare specimen known as the Velocitree. No, that's not a feathered predatory dinosaur that's also a tree. It's the fastest growing tree on Mobius. Robotnik processes the plant into a potion, a Sonic Tonic, that is supposed to increase speed. He gives it to Sleet and Dingo and it works. They use their newfound super speed to capture Sonic. Soon, a side-effect – massive swelling of the feet – reveals itself, allowing Sonic to escape with the potion. Unaware of the side effect, Manic and Sonia take the potion. It all ends with a showdown at the Hanging Gardens of Mobius, a fancy tourist attraction the Queen built for her kids.

"Sonic Tonic" is an episode that can't seem to decide where to take its premise. It has, essentially, three set-ups. The first of which involves Sonic facing enemies who are fast as him, a totally cromulent premise for an episode. This only last for the first half, as the episode then turns towards the idea of Sonia and Manic being jealous of Sonic's speed. Again, that by itself would be a fine place to start a story. Then there's the location of the Hanging Gardens, now ruined by Robotnik's abuse of the world. This could have been built into a moral about environmentalism but it the show doesn't go anywhere with that. All these competing ideas result in a very unfocused half-hour.

The intended Moral of the Day revolves around Sonia and Manic's jealousy of Sonic. You know this because the episode ends with them apologizing for not listening to Sonic and Sonic apologizing, in turn, for mocking their slowness in the first place. I guess the moral is "respect your siblings." But, again, it feels very half-formed. Manic and Sonia have never shown any desire to be as fast as their brother before. Some episodes have depicted them as having similar speed naturally! Sonic's teasing was kind of a dick move and, for this moral to make sense, he should've been chastised more. Instead, the jerk was right and the younger siblings trying to even the playing field are corrected. What was the point supposed to be again? Maybe a show about a super fast hedgehog isn't the practical place to dispense common sense everyday life lessons. 

But this is far from the only half-assed leaps in logic in this episode. There is other evidence that nobody thought this through. In the second scene, Robotnik refers to the Velocitree as the last of its kind... Before going to look for more specimens of it later in the episode. It's not clear why the Sonic Tonic works the way it does. Why does "fastest-growing tree" translate to "makes you super-fast?" Shouldn't the giant feet be the only, and immediate, effect? Later, the tonic causes the Hanging Garden to replenish itself in minutes. Which is a more logical example of how this should work. It's just another episode that stinks of an "it's 1 A.M. and this script is due tomorrow morning" attitude.

I'll say this much though: The song that results actually isn't too bad. Sonia and Manic sing a song about wanting to be as fast as Sonic right before taking the tonic. "I Wish I Could Go Faster" has less repetitive lyrics than usual and even one or two rhymes that aren't totally asinine. Whoever Sonia and Manic's singing voices are, they are slightly less nasally and annoying than Sonic's singing voice. The music also reminds me of a little bit of nineties power-pop/alt-rock, which is a decent sound for a "Sonic" musical to emulate. Weezer could do a solid cover of this. Granted, the song is only "not bad" by the standards of this show's terrible soundtrack but that still counts for something.

You might have noticed that I've been ignoring the most salacious element of this episode. For the Sonic Tonic to work, one must pour it on their... Feet. When the side effects kick in, we get multiple scenes of feet growing, exploding out of shoes, and throbbing in agony. There's more than one lingering shot of soles and twitching toes. At least when the "Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog" writers and animators indulged their fetishes, it was wacky and kind of funny. "Sonic Underground" letting its freak flag fly just feels exhausting. Everything about this show is so boring and half-assed. Even its kinks are uninteresting, disappointing, and mildly uncomfortable.

Also, there's a scene where Dingo is turned into a telescope or something and Sonic looks through him and... It works correctly. I'm really unsettled by the implications of that. You're telling me that, when Dingo is turned into an object, even his internal organs are shifted into functional machinery? Dingo's life must be unending pain. And so is my life, as long as I have to keep watching and reviewing this terrible cartoon. I do it for you, dear reader. Anyway, this episode sucks. [4/10]

Sonic Underground, Episode 1.14: Bug!

Sonic Underground, Episode 1.14: Bug!

Original Air Date: September 16th, 1999

When the Saturn came out in America, Sega did everything they could to build hype for the new console. It didn't exactly work and the lack of a proper "Sonic the Hedgehog" game has long been considered a factor in the console's disappointing performance. What the Saturn did have was Bug. (Or "Bug!," if you must.) Bug wasn't that different from the "Mascot with 'Tude" Sonic rip-offs that flooded the nineties. He was a cartoon animal that starred in a mediocre platforming game and had a grating, sarcastic personality. However, "Bug!" was actually published by Sega. He was even being groomed as a mascot character for the Saturn.

Why do I bring this up? Because the Sonic News Network wiki informs me that DiC was supposedly developing a "Bug" cartoon, further cementing his status as the next Sonic. They say the cartoon never got out of development and the sole remnant of its existence is the title of this "Sonic Underground" episode. However, the wiki's claim isn't sourced and I can't find any other information about this supposed "Bug" animated series. I'm betting the entire thing is a big coincidence and I don't know why I brought it up at all!

So, no, this episode does not feature Sonic and his siblings teaming up with a green insect in red shoes. Instead, it concerns Sonic saving Manic from a new SWATBot. After wrecking it, they hear a message from the still active radio transmitter about Queen Alena being spotted in Quadrant 10. Quadrant 10 is a desert area with burning oil wells. They soon run into Rudy, a Freedom Fighter whose friends turned against him after being stung by robotic flies with brainwashing venom. After going off on his own, Manic is stung by one of these flies. Unaware that he's now a sleeper agent for Robotnik, Manic attempts to upset a scheme to destroy the fly-bots.

You can always tell when a "SatAM" veteran is the writer of a "Sonic Underground" episode. "Bug" comes to us from Len Janssen. Janssen and Ben Hurst's scripts always refer to the rebel forces against Robotnik as Freedom Fighters, while other episodes tend to favor "the resistance" or "the underground." The StealthBot that attacks Manic in the first scene resembles a "SatAM" SWATBot, with its gray color and dome-like head, more than the purple-and-red SWATBots usually seen in this episode. Robotnik's egg-shaped fortress and spinning throne, also holdovers from "SatAM," get prominent appearances in this episode too.

This episode also follows the "SatAM" house rule of "there must always be losses." Rudy has his village razed to the ground. At first, he's convinced that means all his friends and family are dead or Roboticized. At the episode's conclusion, he discovers everyone got out in the time. The village is gone but the Freedom Fighters survive. That's nice and all but we never really care about Rudy. We never learn much about his personality or history. He's just a laidback, dinosaur-looking dude dressed like a road warrior. (Maurice LaMarche gives him an Australian accent, seemingly confirming that connection.) The character is just a plot device, meant to introduce the fly-bots. He's no different than the report that the queen was spotted in the area, another contrivance meant to advance the story that never actually goes anywhere.

This is also one of the more moral-focused episodes of "Underground." Queen Alena's opening narration explicitly says that Manic has to learn a lesson about teamwork. In the very first scene, Sonic chastises him for surfing alone. He gets bitten by the robo-bugs when he impulsively goes into the desert in the middle of the night. Just to make sure the audience gets the point, the episode ends with Sonic and Sonia letting Manic how dumb he was to go off on his own. That last part is handled with some humor, so at least the Lesson of the Day isn't jackhammer obvious like some shows aimed at seven-year-olds. It's only sledgehammer obvious.

Otherwise, I don't have a whole lot to say about this one. There's some mildly disturbing close-ups on Sonic's ass. Manic's nose inflates after the bug bite. Sonia is still written as obnoxiously girly here, as she has a visceral disgust of insects. The song, "Never Give Up the Fight," is as generic as an "Underground" song can be. The highly repetitive lyrics don't touch on anything specific about the episode and the music is a mediocre rock beat. I've already forgotten everything about it. God help me, but I think a crossover with an annoying green bug would've been more memorable. [5/10]

Sonic Underground, Episode 1.13: Artifact

Sonic Underground, Episode 1.13: Artifact

Original Air Date: September 15th, 1999

If you thought previously installments of "Sonic Underground" had obvious and lazy titles, here Michael Edens just names the entire episode after a random word said a few times in the script. He could've called it "The Orb" or "Exploding the Past" or something like that. But, nope. Either DiC's schedule had the writers so rushed, or they were so hopelessly bereft of ideas, that the first word they thought of when conceiving the story is what the episode got called. 

"Artifact" is so named because it begins with Sonic, Sonia, and Manic having infiltrated an auction Robotnik is throwing. Robotnik is auctioning off what he claims are artifacts from the legendary city of Mobupinchu. In order to protect these priceless items, the triplets wreck the party and steal the doodads. They soon learn that the relics aren't from Mobupinchu but are, instead, unexplored ordinance from a long ago war. Unaware, Manic sells an orb to a shady dealer who then sells it back to Bartleby. The heroes have to reclaim the dangerous prop before it explodes, all while Sleet and Dingo are on their tails. Along the way, the real Mobupinchu is discovered. 

"Artifact" is another bad episode of "Sonic Underground" that didn't have to be bad. This plot actually has some potential for tension. The literal ticking bomb at the center of the story provides a time limit, a natural way to increase tensions. That our heroes are the only people who know how dangerous the item is could've further increased the suspense. Furthermore, they are being actively pursued by the baddies for most of the episode, as the guy Manic sold the orb to immediately rats them out. The confrontation in Bartleby's mansion is nearly a successful action sequence. 

Yet, as always, the show undermines its own potential. The bomb has a time limit of 12 hours, which is a little too long to generate much suspense. Also, far too many people are too stupid to realize the thing with counting-down numbers on it might be some type of explosive. It doesn't help that Bartleby – by far the most annoying character in a show full of annoying characters – is the person in danger for most of the run time. The plot circling back to the real Mobupinchu at the end doesn't make a lot of sense. Mostly, there's a lot of dumb humor involving Sleet and Dingo, who is forcibly transformed into the orb at the end. 

Like many episodes of "Sonic Underground," this one has a heavy-handed moral message. At first, I thought the show was going to be about the dangers of unexploded land mines. That was a real concern in some parts of the world following the end of the Cold War, even prompting a "Batman" comic on the topic. But the real focus here is on greed and the exploitation of ancient cultures. Or, at least, that's the moral the episodes wants you to think about. The execution is so half-assed. Robotnik forces his party guests at the beginning to bid on the artifacts – oh, those poor rich people! – and the real Mobupinchu is never actually threatened. Robotnik doesn't even know where it is. Bartleby is a greedy snob but collecting art is not the same thing as corporate exploitation of indigenous lands. It's a confused message that clearly nobody thought about for more than a few minutes. 

As the show usually does, the episode attempts to sum up this blurry theme with its song. The musical number is bluntly entitled "You Can't Own Everything," a phrase that also makes up most of its lyrics. Sonic and the band launch into this song when the bomb is about to go off, which seems like a really bad time to be singing. The song is a quasi-heavy metal number and it's not entirely terrible. Screaming guitars is one of the few things this show's musical team did okay. The lyrics suck and the singing is dreadful but the music's not too bad. The destruction of indigenous culture is a topic worthy of a heavy metal song but a more inside-out approach – focused, ya know, on the killing and destruction and all that – probably would've fit the genre better. 

But there are more pressing concerns this episode raises in my mind. Namely: Why did Sonia ever like Bartleby? In previous episodes, she's been shown swooning over this guy. Even though he's always been depicted as a snobbish fop worthy of mockery. Sonia actually does get disgusted at Bartleby in this episode, suggesting she's officially sick of his bullshit. That still doesn't change that she was seriously crushed on him in the past. "Sonic Underground" depicts Mobius' ruling class as so conceited that they don't even notice the waiters at the auction are the planet's most wanted fugitives. Sonic and Manic aren't even wearing hats! Yet Sonia was once part of this crowd too and she still hasn't had much character development since then. I'm sure there will be future episodes where Sonia is fawning over her asshole ex-boyfriend again. An inevitable side effect of having a bunch of random dudes write for the same show.

Another inconsistency across "Underground," and something that specifically keeps this episode from being tense, is the effectiveness of the SWATBots. In no iteration of "Sonic" are Robotnik's mechanical goons much of a threat. Yet the "Underground" SWATBots have gotten increasingly more ineffective as the show has gone on. Here, Sonic explodes two of them with some thrown plates. Later, he runs between two bots, who gently tap each other while reaching for him and then explode. At one point, seemingly just zooming around some SWATBots is enough to make them combust. No wonder Robotnik is running phony auctions to raise funds to build more. These guys have the structural integrity of a used Ford Pinto. 

This episode is about as good as I'd expect from one flatly named after the type of MacGuffin it's built around. Perhaps this might've been half decent if "Sonic Underground" wasn't the show it was. But "Sonic Underground" was "Sonic Underground," a circular but self-evident piece of logic I'm choosing to end this review with. [5/10]