Sonic Live in Sydney

Sonic Live in Sydney 

Original Release Date: 1997

Nestled into an obscure corner of the United States as a child, I never physically encountered anyone as obsessed with Sonic the Hedgehog as me. From time to time, I'd run into somebody familiar with the games or one of the cartoons or, perhaps, another human boy who had read one or two of the comics. However, a friend as absorbed in this world and characters as myself eluded me. This led to me being a very lonely child, without anyone to share my greatest passion with. That's why getting online and discovering the wider "Sonic" fandom later in the nineties was such a revelation to me. My God, they do exist. 

Something else that fascinated me as a boy was amusement parks. Growing up where I did, I never got to visit any of the iconic American theme parks. Disney World, Universal Studios, SeaWorld, Six Flags Magic Mountain: All out of reach. Instead, I had settled for local D.C. area attractions like Hersheypark – where you can enjoy all the chocolate and slave labor themed rides of your dreams – and Paramount King's Dominion, where you could visit Stan Mikita's Donuts from "Wayne's World." Maybe Busch's Gardens, if you could drive a little further and wanted to watch your Dad get wasted and puke his guts out on the Loch Ness Monster. To my youthful eyes, such humble attractions still filled me with wonder. To my little kid brain, a theme park devoted to a topic was a sure sign that it had saturated the cultural zeitgeist. Which wasn't wrong, I suppose, since theme parks are really expensive. Getting to walk around a whole world devoted to a niche topic was a dream come true. You could trick yourself into thinking Cinderella's Castle or King Kong were real and you somehow breached the membrane between dull, horrible reality and wondrous, fantastical fiction. 

The point I'm making is... If kid-me had known there was a "Sonic the Hedgehog" themed amusement park somewhere in the world, I would have started saving all my pennies right then and there. I doubt I could have found Sydney, Australia on the globe but hearing that it was home to a mythical SegaWorld would have put the city on the map far more than any fancy opera house could. Maybe it's for the best I didn't learn about SegaWorld Sydney until long after its closure. By all accounts, it was a pretty mediocre amusement park, which is likely why it died after less than four years. Despite that, I have become fascinated with Sega World Sydney post-mortem as maybe the most hubristic example of Sega's oversized ambitions in the nineties. Or maybe it's because Sega World was the only place on Earth – outside of some disreputable Discord servers – where Princess Sally was treated with as much reverence as she was in my brain.

Sega World Sydney didn't have any bitchin' roller coasters, elaborate stunt shows, or world-class dining. But you know what it did have? A "Sonic the Hedgehog" stage musical! As performed by actors in clunky mascot suits and, later, severely off-model animatronic puppets. Among the dozens of apathetic vacationers who visited Sega World Sydney, none of them ever thought to video tape either version of the stage show. Or, if they did, they've yet to share it on the internet. Actual video footage of these shows remain highly sought-after relics by lost media archivists and obsessive-compulsive "Sonic" hoarders. Until such a recording surfaces, the only evidence we have of this incredibly obscure corner of the "Sonic" universe actually existing are some very unflattering photos of those suits and puppets. 

Except I'm lying. There is more proof that actors were paid to sweat profusely within heavy fur suits every day for an audience of bored children and visibly irritated parents. Yes, a cast recording CD of the first version of "Sonic Live in Sydney" was sold in the park and we do have digitalization of the CD splashed all over the internet. While this particular topic truly stretches the definition of "visual media," seeing as how very little visuals of it still exist, I am including "Sonic Live in Sydney" in my review of miscellaneous "Sonic" media. Because how can I not write entirely too many words about a half-hour production in which Sonic, Sally, and Robotnik express themselves through the power of song and dance? Someone as fascinated with misbegotten extensions of popular media franchises simply couldn't resist. 

Let us get into it, shall we? What is the riveting plot of "Sonic Live in Sydney?" It begins with Sonic, Tails, and Princess Sally aboard what we can presume to be the Tornado. After engine troubles, the trio bail out and land in Australia. Despite seemingly arriving in this area by accident, the three have a reason for visiting the island continent. Robotnik, following a defeat back on Mobius, have set up shop in Sydney with the Chaos Emeralds in tow. He has build his new base on the Sydney Harbor Bridge. A haphazard scheme involving a boot and a freeze ray ends with Sally being kidnapped by the villain. Sonic and Tails work to rescue her, the doctor falls in love with the Princess, some Badniks are there, and it all ends with Sonic saving the bridge from being exploded between musical numbers and half-assed jokes. 

In 1999, with the release of the Dreamcast and "Sonic Adventure," Sega would attempt to reel in all the divergent localizations of the "Sonic" brand across the world and unite it under one vision, which more closely resembled the Japanese interpretation of the character and his world. It was a controversial decision and one I have mixed feelings about. However, "Sonic Live in Sydney" makes a good case for why such a global unification was necessary. The stage musical – or at least what we can gleam from it based on the audio recording – represents a bizarre fusion of the different "Sonic" continues at the time. Sally is there and references are made to the Freedom Fighters, suggesting "SatAM" was a primary influence. (Supposedly, the dining area in the park where the show was performed was also called Knothole Village.) At the same time, Robotnik's design and characterization is based on his less-scary "Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog" depiction. In fact, the show's tone is far closer to that cartoon than the Saturday morning series, including a moment when Sonic tricks the doctor by wearing an easily-seen-through disguise. Mobius is also mentioned, presented as a planet separate from Earth, while several elements more akin to the early games – Robotnik's generic army of robotic minions known as Badniks, who were formally harmless woodland animals – also appear. It's a bit like the earlier, goofier issues of the Archie Comics series but more disorganized and thrown together in terms of what it did and didn't include. For bonus confusion points, Knuckles is in the cover of the CD and was heavily featured in the park but isn't in this show, presumably because he wasn't a part of "SatAM" or "AoStH."

You could certainly make the case that such a fast-and-loose approach to continuity effected the quality of "Sonic" tie-in products. A lack of oversight gave the impression of a series without much care put into it, that wasn't exactly worried about quality. The best "Sonic" stuff from this decade – "SatAM," the better Archie issues – saw creative people putting their best effort forward anyway. However, examples like most of "Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog" and the weaker Archie issues suggest much more that most people were not that concerned with making anything but easily digested slop for little kids. "Sonic Live in Sydney" definitely falls into the latter category. Truthfully, this might be one of the bigger examples of the creatives simply not giving a shit about what they were making. The plot for this half-hour, Chuck E. Cheese drama is nonsensical, often changing focus and introducing new elements with little pretense. The characters are simply sketched, their identities often changing in-between scenes, such as when Robotnik decides he's in love with Sally. Or in Tails' overall usefulness to the plot. (Sonic describes him as having "Heart," officially making Tails the Ma-Ti of this Planeteers squad.) 

And why would the crew behind such an ephemeral piece of entertainment put much effort into it? It's not like some overly serious dweeb is going to look back at it twenty-seven years later and try to write about it as if it was a serious piece of performance art, right? Nevertheless, trying to make sense of "Sonic Live in Sydney" is not always easy. Robotnik's freeze ray has a number of different properties that vary as the plot needs them too. How exactly the inhabitants got from Mobius to Australia, seemingly in an airplane, is never explained. For that matter, how do Sonic and the others have any knowledge of Australian culture? There's a pun in here about Ugg Boots, to show you how familiar they are with local culture. What exactly Robotnik's goal is changes several times, a love/sleeping potion is introduced haphazardly, and I swear that bomb blowing up the Harbor Bridge wasn't mentioned until the last minute. Also, Sally Acorn is called a marsupial but that's probably because they don't have chipmunks in Australia. I know, I know, this was designed to be watched by visitor stuffing their faces with overpriced pizza and dried out chicken fingers. Why bother putting any effort into it? I probably wouldn't have either. I'm just saying, you can tell.

The thing that always baffled me about shows like this, with a degree of audience participation, is... How exactly does that work? There are several scenes in this stage show where Sonic or someone calls out to the audience to answer a question or cheer or something. Mostly to shout about being in Australia or whatever. I'm sure the people halfway watching this always gave a very enthusiastic response. However, how exactly are the fictional characters aware of being observed? What do they see? What is the status of the Fourth Wall here? What does Dora observe when she talks to the kids in the other side of the TV? Does she, in-universe, have the ability to receive communications from people on another plane if existence? Or is it all performance? Make it make sense, damn it! I'm sorry that writing about this shit makes me sound schizophrenic sometimes. I guess that is an inevitable result of taking half-assed children's media waaaaaay too seriously. 

All of that aside... Is there any entertainment value to be had from "Sonic Live in Sydney?" Admittedly, this is an example of a piece of "Sonic" media so clearly thrown together that I can't help but be charmed a bit by its mere existence. Don't get me wrong, it's absolute garbage, as substantial as the cardboard plates and cups served in the same cafeteria. However, this thing is ultimately too weird for it not to be a little entertaining. As in "Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog," you can see the apathetic overhead leading to the writers and directors inserting brief moments that are inappropriate for the little kids. Namely, Sally slapping Robotnik and the villain proclaiming that he likes it. Did Robotnik just admit he's into masochism? In general, the premise of the tubby bad guy – there are a lot of fat jokes here – falling in love with Sally is bizarre. Maybe the writers assumed this must be a Bowser/Princess Peach scenario, where the antagonist has a crush on the good guy's girl. (Who is specifically described as being in love with Sonic, opposed to the more flirtatious relationship the characters usually have.) It's a bit weird is all. 

Then again, considering "Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog" was clearly the main inspiration for this take on Robotnik, we shouldn't be surprised he's a hopeless romantic and weirdly horny. We don't know the names of a lot of the people responsible for this thing. However, we do have a cast list. Adrian Payne was clearly emulating Long John Baldry, with a conceited and operatic take on the baddie. The result of the voice acting is not so committed. Someone named Tanya Bulmer plays Sally and her accent audibly changes throughout. Sometimes she sounds a bit like a Southern gal, taking that attribute from Bunnie. Other times, her voice is more posh while multiple times the actress' native Australian accent shines through. The same is true of Paula Arundell and Diane Adams, as Sonic and Tails, who often let their Straya slip out. I think Arundell is trying to do a Jaleel White impersonation and... It's energetic, if nothing else. Adams as Tails, however, adapts a shrill and nasally voice that is frankly incredibly annoying. 

But what about those songs, man? Isn't that why we're all here, to marvel at the utterly baffling existence of a "Sonic the Hedgehog" musical? (That isn't "Sonic Underground" anyway.) As you might anticipate, they aren't very good. Did you expect them to be good? "What Are We Waiting For?" is Sonic's big number, in which he rhymes "core" with "core." It's upbeat, I'll say that much. The backing track is strictly Casio-core, which is all the more obvious thanks to bits of the original games' scores being used. As for Robotnik's song, "Give Me Chaos," quickly becomes rather droning and monotonous. It's still better than Sally's big romantic number, "Thank You For Being You." If you watched any underachieving Disney rip-off from this same decade, you'll recognize this same sort of glurgey synth sparkle ballad shit. It's regrettable though not bad enough to be truly offensive, I guess. More generic than anything else.

Out of all the dumb, shitty things I've written about because of this blog, I suppose "Sonic Live in Sydney" is less painful than "The Fight for the Fox Box." It caused me less psychic damage than going through every episode of "Underground" and the songs are, marginally, better. Would I have loved it as a kid? Of course, I would have. Sonic was in it! God, if I had gotten a chance to see Sonic and Sally move around on-stage before my very eyes, five year old me would have vibrated into another dimension from sheer excitement. Would I look back on it with clenched teeth and embarrassment? Oooooh yeah. If a recording of this show emerges from the depths of the internet someday, will I willingly expose myself to it again? We already know the answer to that. It's terrible but, at the same time, "Sonic Live in Sydney" is another example of what weird shit could happen when marketers got ahold of a popular media I.P. Maybe I'll go and watch the "Coming Out of Their Shells" tour next and see if it's more or less painful than this. Well, hoo-roo, mates, this CD left me mad as a cut snake and belongs in the dunny. [4/10]

Wonderman Music Video

Wonderman Music Video 

Original Release Date: March 7th, 1994

When I first started Hedgehogs Can't Swim oh so many years ago, my high-minded aspirations and primary goal were to create a deep exploration of fandom, to figure out why so many people were so obsessed with a little blue hedgehog that ran fast. My secondary goal was to simply gawk at the weirdest fucking corners of this franchise. Maybe that's the reason why "Sonic" fascinates so many. Once you start digging down this rabbit hole, you never stop uncovering bizarre new treasures. Early on, I wanted to start a monthly feature entitled "Weird Sonic Things." The idea was to take a deep dive into the most random-ass content the blue hedgehog has found himself in. Topics ranged from Russian game shows to cameos in Arnold Schwarzenegger movies and strangely prevalent Christian themed fan art. I will hopefully still write about some of these topics eventually but the day-to-day work of writing regular updates has been hard enough for me to maintain that side-projects simply have never materialized. 

However, my latest quest to watch and write my way through miscellaneous visual "Sonic" media has finally brought me to something I've been wanting to talk about for years. One of the first topics I chose when assembling my list of Weird Sonic Things I wanted to talk about. Readers, I implore you... Do you know who Right Said Fred is?

If you are around the same age as me, the answer is almost unquestionably yes. Those born in that sweet spot to be old enough to pay attention to pop culture in the early nineties but not old enough to have real things to worry about will know this English vaguely-electronic pop trio was inescapable for a short while around 1991 and 1992. Not because they were a culture defining talent that had a string of iconic hit songs before their flame was snuffed out early from burning so brightly. No, Right Said Fred scored a stupid novelty hit that essentially became the Harlem Shake of the early nineties. "I'm Too Sexy," an obnoxiously self-aware ode to the preening narcissism of gym culture, was basically an internet meme before internet memes existed. In the pre-online days, dumb gags like this had much longer shelf lives which means the culture at large had plenty of chances to run the joke into the ground. It was referenced everywhere. Overwhelming ubiquity like that would drain the humor and appeal out of anything, no matter the quality. "I'm Too Sexy" does have an insanely catchy melody. Fred Fairbass' monotone vocals do have a weirdly hypnotic quality to them, further supported by the repetitive chant-like structure of the chorus. You could also make the case that Right Said Fred were pioneers, being openly queer performers during a less open time, making a monster hit out of a campy celebration of LGBT+ culture. 

On the other hand, the joke of "Teehee, some guys are really into themselves, yaknowhatImean?" is clever only so many times. The song itself is droning and repetitive, which was only intensified by how inescapable it was for so long. A lot of people also didn't get the joke, taking the song at face value and assuming it was an unironic ode to these bald, buff guys' egos. I suppose the point I'm making is, in isolation, "I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred is a perfectly cromulent dumb pop song, worth a chuckle or two. As a widespread Song of the Summer super hit, however, the joke very quickly wore out its welcome. I was four in 1992 and I recall being bored of hearing this thing. 

Why am I talking about this? What does any of this dumbass shit have to do with Sonic the Hedgehog? Well, my friends, come closer and listen intently because now the fun truly starts. Here in the U.S., we had the good sense to dismiss Right Said Fred after one chart-topping hit. "I'm Too Sexy" had a powerful sway on people's imagination but the American public still recognized it as a stupid one-off joke, having no interest in learning any more about these muscly lads from London. In this country, Right Said Fred are the one hit wonder-iest of one hit wonders, never allowed anywhere near the Hot 100 after their sole fluke pop culture phenomena. In their home country, however, the record buying populace put up with these goofballs for a few more songs. "I'm Too Sexy" isn't even technically their biggest hit in the U.K., that honor belonging to whatever the hell this is. But, yes, there was indeed a valid attempt down England's way to make what amounted to a joke band into regular hitmakers. And what better way to extend the life span of one inexplicable pop culture fad then by tying it onto another weird thing that was, briefly, extremely popular around the same time? 

In England, the marketing for Sega's Mega-Drive leaned harder on edgy, juvenile posturing than the Genesis' ads did over here. Such as in the infamous masturbation themed Game Gear ads. While Sonic himself never cracked any jokes about playin' wit y'ur todger, the U.K. version of the hedgehog did carry that distinctly English brand of stiff-upper-lip attitude and campy humor. In the United States, associating a kid-brand like "Sonic" – designed to appeal to the playground version of coolness as much as possible – with the smirking, self-aware humor of the "I'm Too Sexy" guys would have been unthinkable. Sonic doesn't wear a shirt because he's too sexy for it. Sonic doesn't know what sex is! By 1994, when "Sonic the Hedgehog 3" was coming out, Right Said Fred would have been perceived by the hip youths as totally washed-up, clinically uncool has-beens anyway. We were all about the alternative nation and the gangsta rap by that point, baby! But in the U.K., a mash-up of these two nineties relics that had absolutely nothing to do with each other made, perhaps, a little more sense. At least to some galaxy-brained marketing execs. 

Which, finally, brings me to today's topic. If you haven't heard it before, prepare yourselves. May I introduce you to "Wonderman?" No, not everyone's eleventh favorite Avenger. I'm talking about the 1994 hot single from Right Said Fred, off their second album "Sex and Travel," that was chosen to be a promotional single for the U.K. release of "Sonic the Hedgehog 3." Wikipedia goes so far as to describe it as "a song about Sonic the Hedgehog." Really?! Let's investigate further...

First off, no, Wikipedia is lying to you. "Wonderman" is not about Sonic. At least, not the original version. This utterly forgotten dance ditty actually exists in at least two variations. The "Sex and Travel" version is not dissimilar to Right Said Fred's biggest hit. Instead of being an ironic ode to one's own sexiness, written from the perspective of a self-absorbed gym rat, "Wonderman" has the singer looking outward at somehow who actually lives up to such rhapsodizing praise. The titular entity is described as having "deltoids for days," a perfect tan and being at least six feet tall. Despite being "the naked treat in magazines," this Wonderman isn't only a slice of primo beefcake. He has striking eyes, a movie star smile. Moreover, his values match his perfect appearance. He's got new age beliefs, understands that sharing is caring, protects the Earth and opens his heart to black, white, and uh "yellow" humans. In other words, "Wonderman" is a song describing a perfect man, a Nietzschean ubermensch that is both a sculpted specimen and an upstanding individual ready to help the world. 

It's hard to say if Fairbass is describing this wonder man from a point of lust or aspiration, whether he wants to become him or come in him. Either way, these lyrics clearly do not describe our favorite little blue guy. Sonic does love the Earth but his deltoids are not exactly noteworthy. His tan is not appreciated. He's not six feet tall. (Though neither is Tom Cruise, also name-dropped in these lyrics.) I guess he technically is naked but I don't think Electronic Gaming Monthly was the magazine this song is talking about... I have no doubt that many a person feels Sega's mascot as insanely desirable. However, I doubt that was on the minds of Sega of England's marketing execs. Finding myself writing about another extremely obscure corner of pop culture, there are no sources anywhere for why this song was chosen to promote "Sonic 3." We can only speculate on how this came to be. 

If you listen to the album mix of the song, you can almost see the link. The jazzy trumpets that open the song, especially the cute swaying melody they do, do sound like something you'd hear on the Sega Genesis. While the Vogue-able dance beats are not all that Genesis-like, there is an occasional synth wiggle that sounds suitable. The single line about being "a friend of the Earth" certainly aligns with the early "Sonic" media's environmental subtext. However, one suspects that the song was simply chosen to associate the blast processing of the Mega-Drive's newest blockbuster with a source of wonderment and astonishment. Sonic's entire thing, at the time, was being cooler than cool. Perhaps this speedy little rodent could be your Wonderman, Right Said Fred? That's how I imagine it went away. 

As cheeky as the U.K. marketing for Sega products could get, someone obviously realized these lyrics were a little inappropriate for this chosen subject. Credit to the Fairbass bros, their engineers, producers, and everyone else, they completely reworked the song. The beat is a little faster. The jazzy trumpets are gone, replaced with ramping synth sparkles and edgier dance grooves. One assumes this was done to invoke Sonic's speed. Springy sproing noises are inserted throughout, clearly an attempt to bring the pinball-like action of the game to mind. The result makes the song sound more like a gay club dance track though, especially once a falsetto scatting that seems right out of a drag show is introduced in the back half. (Naturally, there is a five minute long version ideal for dance floor revelry, if anyone ever wanted to snort poppers while thinking about Sonic the Hedgehog...)

Most notably, however, is how the lyrics were totally reworked. I don't know if the Freds were simply told to incorporate some marketing buzz words into the new song or if they were genuinely enthusiastic about the subject. Either way, the single version of "Wonderman" rather obviously is about Sonic. The titular subject is "having a blast," as in blast processing. He's "hoggin' the limelight," har har. The lyrics specifically reference Sonic's power sneakers and spin attack, while referring to a sonic boom, attitude, hipness, the color blue, Speedy Gonzalez, and being state of the art. The singers clearly understood the assignment as it were, though comparing Sonic to "an itch you'll scratch again and again" and "Fay Wray's King Kong" – not Jessica Lang or Linda Miller's King Kong, we're talking the original here – I guess what I'm saying is that the song does, indeed, sell the shit out of this hedgehog... Despite the hook being more-or-less unchanged. You'd think, at some point in production, someone would've pointed out that Sonic isn't a Wonderman. He's a hedgehog! But I guess that didn't flow as well. I do like the refrain of comparing our hero to lightning and thunder that is added to the chorus.

As a song, I would rate either version of "Wonderman" as a passable pop ditty. The single mix is bouncier, I think, while the novelty of its topic certainly makes it more interesting than the album cut. The first time I heard "Wonderman," it didn't strike me as an especially inspired song. However, in the years since, the chorus has repeatedly worked its way into my brain at unexpected intervals. The repetition of the title and the showgirl glee the singers repeat it with certainly compel one to say the title to the melody of the song where you think about it. It is catchy, in other words, showing that Right Said Fred actually did have a talent for creating ear worms. Or at least two of them.

But you don't really care about the song, do you? No, no, if it's 1994, you understand as well as the next person that no track is going to become a hit without a music video. After all, it's my dedication to reviewing Sonic-related animation that I used as an excuse to ramble on about this fuckin' thing for two thousand words. Yes, Right Said Fred didn't merely record a song about Sonic the Hedgehog. They made a music video about him too! Let's take this masterpiece in together, shall we? 

Let's deconstruct what we've watched, shall we? Music videos are not beholden to storylines but the best ones at least have a premise of some sort. The "Wonderman" clip seems to frame itself as an interview show of some sort. Right Said Fred, playing the role of conceited and self-absorbed rock stars, are being interviewed when Steven O'Donnell – then the face of Sega of Europe's television commercials – insist it's time to interview a real big star. No, not the bald guys. The blue hedgehog! The rest of the video is set in an industrial water filtration plant, a sign informing us that this is supposedly Hydrocity Zone. The interviewer and his crew muck about, trying to catching up with Sonic while Right Said Fred prance about in fedoras and pinstripe suits, I guess coincidentally making a music video in the exact same location that night. There's other stuff, like the band's heads appearing in a blank void, a big cartoon skull flashing on screen, and plenty of random pyrotechnics. It's a nineties music video, don't think too hard about it. 

Hopefully I didn't disappoint anyone previously unfamiliar with this three minutes and forty seconds of campy joy by giving the impression that we would actually see Sonic the Hedgehog and the "I'm Too Sexy" guys jamming together. The hedgehog does appear in the video but it's via sped-up footage from the game and, yes, a blue streak speeding by. There are multiple point-of-view shots in the video from something zooming around the factory, a red graphical interface overtop the footage. It would seem this is meant to be from Sonic's perspective, making me wonder if director Paul Boyd thought he was a robot or something. Either way, our azure avenger is there. I suppose this was a somewhat clever solution around the obvious fact that a music video in 1995 didn't have the budget to portray flesh and blood humans interacting with a cartoon character. Zeroing in on how Sonic is often shot through winding chutes and tunnels, resulting in lots of footage of interconnecting pipes, was certainly an idea. Right Said Fred clearly didn't have a Michael Jackson budget here, so I'd say they made good use of the resources afforded to them. 

Funny enough, the video itself seems to acknowledge that the band singing this song was old-hat by 1994. The Fairbass brothers play themselves as clueless, drugged out rock wannabes with no substance at all. The video ends with O'Donnell burying a TV playing the interview in an open grave, referring to it as "very, very boring" right as the bald boys quote their most famous single. I don't know if this was an example of the band itself realizing their fifteen minutes were up and clowning around a bit. Or if the idea is simply to suggest that Sonic is much cooler, much more innovative, and far more interesting than the band we are watching being promoted. Though that's kind of funny too, since the "Sonic" franchise would hit the first of its many slumps not too many years after this. The saying is true: One day you're on top and, the next, you're loosing out to fucking Bug as the mascot for the Sega Saturn. 

I don't foresee Right Said Fred having a successful comeback and being the subject of a trilogy of blockbuster movies anytime soon though. "Wonderman" was not exactly a hit. It peaked at number 55 on the U.K. charts. The only other country it charted in was Belgium, where it at least got to number 50. Despite the mediocre chart performance, "Wonderman" was apparently successful enough to be included in the 27th edition of the Now That's What I Call Music compilation series. It appeared alongside such luminaries as Doop, Cappella, and Urban Cookie Collective. Yes, the Doop! Actually, "Wonderman" has the distinction of being one of the lowest charting songs to appear on a Now collection. Which is better than no distinction at all! It also shows up in the 1994 Disney movie, "Blank Check." I haven't seen that in probably thirty years but I think I'd remember if Sonic had a cameo too... 

Needless to say, singing about Sonic the Hedgehog did not raise the band's failing fortunes. The group has continued to put out songs in the years since, releasing seven albums after "Sex and Travel." They've yet to score another hit though, unless you count getting sampled by Taylor Swift and Drake. Most recently, the Fairbass boys have netted some further notoriety by participating in anti-masking and anti-lockdown protests during the COVID-19 pandemic. They are one of the faces of Not Our Future, an organization that Wikipedia describes as an "anti-climate change" activist group but whose website seems more interested in raging against the World Health Organization, "identity politics," and something they call "the Blob." What is it about being briefly successful pop singers in the nineties that turn people into weirdos in the modern day? 

Despite whatever questionable politics the band may promote now, "Wonderman" remains a bop. Having listen to the song and watched the video about a dozen times in the process of writing this, I can now proudly say that it's the second most Right Said Fred song I can name off the top of my head. Did I need to devote so many words to this topic? Haha, you fool, I don't need to do anything! Anyway, thanks for reading this stupid bullshit. I'll only write about other Sonic-adjacent music videos in the future if they are as funny as this one.

Sonic the Animation

Sonic the Animation 

Man of the Year

Original Release Date: 1994?

Sonic the Hedgehog was always intended to be an animation star. From the beginning, Sega planned him as a multi-media franchise, much the way Nintendo had turned Mario from a simple set of pixels in "Donkey Kong" to one of the most recognizable characters in all of pop culture. This is inherent in the hedgehog's design, which is inspired by classic "rubber hose" cartoon icons like Mickey Mouse and Felix the Cat. By the release of the third game, this prophecy had already been fulfilled, Sonic starring in two animated series produced for American television with many more having followed. This means, when you say the words "Sonic the Animation," any number of programs come to mind first. However, that phrase also refers to something very specific, which happens to be the topic of today's rambling dissertation...

During the peak of their profitability, Sega wasn't only in the video game business. The company, after all, has its earliest origins as a producer of slot machines, jukeboxes, pinball games, photo booths, and other coin-operated frivolity. This creates the mental image of walking down a boardwalk occupied with any number of Sega branded entertainment. The company's long-held interests in arcades led to the creation of many company operated "amusement arcades" known as Sega Worlds. These locations were so popular during the nineties that Sega expanded out into a chain of indoor amusement parks known as Joypolis. Most of these parks – such as the notorious Sega World Sydney – would close during the arcade implosion of the early 2000s. However, I was surprised to read that four Joypolises are currently still in operation: Two in Japan and one in China. Once again, Asia gets all the cool shit. 

Obviously, Sega would not enter into such a venture without making room for their mascot character. Most of the Sonic themed attractions were found at the now defunct Qingdao location, probably owing to the blue hedgehog being more popular internationally than in Japan. However, the character has remained a stable presence in these various parks. An exact release date is hard to locate but, as the earliest mention I can find is from 1994, I'm going to say that is when a short, Sonic-themed cartoon started screening exclusively at Joypolis and Sega World locations. This animation would reach a far wider audience upon its inclusion as a bonus in the 1997 Sega Saturn game, "Sonic Jam." The is the "Sonic the Animation" I'm talking about today. Since that is such a non-specific title, the short is usually referred to as "Sonic: Man of the Year" by fans. Excuse me if I slip up and call it that during this review. 

The premise is simple enough. Outside of a sprawling metropolis occupied with seemingly normal humans, Eggman resides on his island base of operations. (Perhaps taking a cue from "Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog," the laboratory is decorated by a large gold statue of the man with one arm in the air.) The doctor's morning ritual of reading the newspaper is soured when he sees the top story: Sonic has been awarded the honor of "Man of the Year" by city officials, despite obviously being a hedgehog. Enraged, the villain quickly creates a scheme to ruin the hedgehog's good reputation. He puts on a crude Sonic disguise, straps some rocket skates to his feet, and embarks on a campaign of mischief around the city. This works, the public quickly turning on Sonic. Upon discovering this, our hero is glued into Eggman being behind the scheme by the villain's distinctive laugh. That's where "Sonic the Animation" ends, promising that this story will be continued. Considering it's been somewhere in the area of thirty years since this cartoon's release and no second part has arrived, we should probably stop expecting that. 

The first thing you'll probably notice about "Man of the Year" is the quality of its animation. The short was produced by the studio that would become TMS in time, years before "Sonic X" was a twinkle in anyone's eye. Giving the budget probably usually afford to a full length cartoon to crank out a two minute short instead results in some lovely visuals. The animation is fluid and lively. The brief sequences devoted to Sonic zipping along the sides of buildings or Eggman blasting around on his rocket skates have the kind of speed and force of impact that, well, "Sonic" animation always should have and almost never does. Considering this was probably a glorified tech demo or sizzle reel, there's some flashy 1994 graphics too. By which I mean, all the environments in the short are CGI while the characters are traditional cel animation. Maybe it's my nostalgia for the nineties "Spider-Man" cartoon talking here but I find this art style – brightly color cartoon characters moving around on big, blocky, shiny, Windows '95 screensaver images – incredibly charming and appealing. There's some neat touches in the environment too, such as Eggman's office chair being patterned after a chicken. I guess because chickens lay eggs? It all looks so interesting, yesterday's version of cutting edge like the finned rocket ships in a "Flash Gordon" comic strip. 

Another element about the animation is immediately apparent. TMS is probably best known for their work in the Japanese animation industry. However, around the same time this short was done, the company was where some of the animation for American cartoons like "Animaniacs" and "Tiny Toon Adventures" was being outsourced. Since "Sonic" was always meant to appeal to American sensibilities, that means a lot of "Man of the Year" looks like an episode of an especially good Fox Kids Saturday morning cartoon show. I still find it weird whenever Sonic has to interact with regular people... However, the decision here to have him standing among what easily could've been background extras from "Freakzoid" makes that awkwardness a little easier to swallow. The people are exaggerated and, at times, grotesque. As in the close-ups of some weird looking kids with tomatoes thrown into their mouths. Still, these minor designs have a personality to their appearances that make them memorable. Such as the news reporter with the big Jay Leno chin. Or the dark skinned, short haired babe in a sweater we see in one scene that, I'm pretty sure, popped up in a few panels during "Worlds Collide." If you are a little younger or older than me, it's entirely possible you'll have no built-in affection for animation of this style and won't be able to appreciate these things beyond the level of them looking good. However, there's definitely something satisfying about seeing Sonic and Eggman brought to life in the style of a big budget 90s American cartoon show. Probably the closest we'll get to seeing what a feature length, traditionally animated "Sonic" movie might have looked like. 

That "Sonic the Animation" looks so much like a Warner Bros cartoon of the same vintage is fitting. Tonally, the short is most comparable to a Roadrunner & Coyote or Tom & Jerry installment. Like those animated adversaries, there's no dialogue traded between Sonic and Eggman as they are locked in their slapstick war against each other. The two are rendered as silent figures whose oversized emotions are evident entirely through their big, goofy, cartoon movements. Coming on the heels of "Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog" – which, everyone surely will feel the need to point out, TMS also animated a few episodes of – this is a mood that definitely fits these two characters. Honestly, I'm surprised more "Sonic" media hasn't run with the idea of Eggman being Wile Coyote, always trying to get ahead with fancy gimmicks, and Sonic being Roadrunner, effortlessly fast and unaffected by anything. Eggman being doomed as much by classically bad luck as he is his own hubris is an interpretation you sometimes see in "Adventures" and "Sonic Boom," with Sonic as an all-powerful trickster figure. You'd think writers would try that out more often. 

The simplicity of those classic chase cartoons is visible in other parts of the film. The soundtrack is composed entirely of Edvard Grieg classical pieces – "Morning Mood" and "In the Hall of the Mountain King," of course – and some leftover tracks from "Sonic CD." A lot of the sound effects are also taken from "Sonic CD," furthering this feeling of intentional exaggeration and artificially. In other words: There's not a lot to "Man of the Year," mostly because it's so short. A full story is not told, on account of being the first act of a complete cartoon. Sonic is barely a character in it, Eggman being better classified as the short's protagonist. Whether you think it feels like Classic Sonic, in the same way the "Sonic CD" opening animation so clearly did, is up for debate. However, "Sonic the Animation" remains really interesting and fascinating for what it is. TMS or Sega or whoever owns this needs to upload a HD version to YouTube or something, so we're not stuck watching the grainy Sega Saturn rips until the Big Bang crunches back and we're all instantly unmade again... [8/10]

Sonic CD Opening Animation

Sonic CD Opening Animation

Original Release Date: September 23rd, 1993

What, to you, is the most iconic piece of "Sonic" animation?

It's a good question to ask. The character has almost as long-lived a history in animation as he does video games. From the beginning, Sega and Sonic Team looked to classic cartoons like Mickey Mouse and AstroBoy as inspiration for the hedgehog. That Sonic debuted on TV only a few years after his first game dropped is a testament to how well-suited he is to the realm of animation. How determined his creators were to make him, not merely a video game star, but a cultural icon that could dominate multiple sectors. Maybe it didn't quite work out that way but the fact that "Sonic" animation is still such a pivotal part of the brand is another indicator that Sonic was made to be a cartoon character as much as a gaming mascot. 

Which brings me back to my opening question: What is the most iconic piece of "Sonic" animation? For fans of a certain age, it might be the "SatAM" opening. Lord knows that intro entranced me as a kid, drawing me totally into this world and the effortless sense of cool its hero showed. For others, the highly cinematic opening to "Sonic Adventure" probably hooked them in a similar way. It promises a world of limitless adventure, high stakes, epic fantasy, with a cocksure little speedster at the center. I'm sure, in the future, we'll hear new generations of "Sonic" devotees describing the "Mania" trailer, "Frontiers" gameplay, that bitchin' "Knuckles" short, or the movies in similarly awed tones. 

And these are all good choices. They are also all wrong. No, no, no, listen. I know these things are subjective. Everyone is going to have a different favorite, a personal opinion. Nobody is going to define "iconic" the same way. Especially when it comes to this fandom, when different eras are measured by different games and shows, it's likely that any "Sonic" fan will have a unique, highly personal answer to that question. But I'm telling you they are all wrong. There is, in fact, a correct answer to the question of "What is the most iconic piece of "Sonic" animation?" It is, without a doubt, the "Sonic CD" intro. 

I never had a Sega CD, which I imagine is the case for most "Sonic" fans who lived through the nineties. The Genesis peripheral sold notoriously poorly over here, owing to its high price point and lack of popular games. These days, the console is most remembered for its library of extremely cheesy full-motion video titles, notorious for their choppy visuals, unconvincing acting, and lack of compelling gameplay. (Despite all that, one of these games somehow still managed to be a focus of congressional controversy here in the States.) The Sega CD's most critically acclaimed titles remain utterly obscure in North America. How many people do you know that played "Popful Mail" in 1994? Where was the die-hard American following for the "Lunar" duology at the time? Do such human beings exist?

No, I never had a Sega CD. I did have a family friend who had one. One of those kids who had all the latest gaming contraptions. Naturally, he had to show me "Sonic CD," which was agreed upon at the time as the one bona fide killer app the console had. And the minute I laid eyes on the opening animation, my mind was blown. Years later, I came into possession of the Windows-95 port of the game. I honestly don't have many memories of actually playing "Sonic CD" but I do remember watching that introduction incessantly, letting it loop for a while. 

What was it about the "Sonic CD" Intro that captivated me so? The entire thing runs less than two minutes. It can't be described as having much of a plot, consisting mostly of Sonic simply running through the forest and towards the chained Little Planet up in the sky. And somehow it sums up everything that was cool and cutting edge about this series at the time. I've written before about how exotic anime was to American dweebs in the middle nineties. How it was seen as the more artistic, edgier counterpart to our strictly-for-kids cartoons, that used the endless boundaries of the art of animation for mature storytelling and expressive imagination. This wasn't quite true but that was the perception. The "CD" intro was the closest thing we had to a "Sonic" anime in 1993. And it was fucking cool. In the parlance of the day, it was phat. Hesh. Sick. Bitchin'. At least that's how my little autistic ass remembers it. 

What is true is that Japanese animation was often smoother and more stylized than its English language counterparts. I was utterly obsessed with "SatAM" as a kid but I must have realized, at the time with my little baby brain, that it didn't look this good. Despite its brief runtime, this animation sneaks in so much personality for Sonic. When finding a look-out on a rocky outcropping, he suspends himself on one hand while spreading his legs out. He corkscrews up a narrow peak at the animation's climax. Everything the hedgehog does, every minor pose and movement, is designed to project coolness and attitude. Not to mention the amount of detail in the animation in general. The sparks leaping off the massive chain, the water splashing up around Sonic as he leaps across a river. The dust and rainbows he kicks up. Everything about this animation conveys not simply speed but an effortless speed. Sonic changes the physical properties of things around him when he runs and without breaking a sweat! How fucking cool is that?

There's a reason the "Sonic Mania" animation would so closely emulate this opening. In many ways, this is the definitive look for what would eventually become known as "Classic Sonic." The spindly limbs, the overly round fist, the way his face expresses so much determination and focus despite never saying a word: All of these elements show Sonic's primary attributes. He has such a definitive sense of attitude that words are not necessary to express it. He's aerodynamic but still composed of simple shapes. When the force that speed creates is applied to a big ass rock, the impact of the blow is emphasized by a repeating frame of animation. These are the kind of tricks that make the action scenes in Japanese animation so thrilling to watch, that American animators wouldn't pick up on for years. 

He runs through a wide, open, natural world... With that enormous chain and mountain carved into Eggman's shape being the major exceptions. These are unnatural intrusions in a world otherwise defined by smooth lines and mountainous peaks. Without any spoken dialogue or extensive narrative, the animation tells you so much about this world, this character, and the themes it communicates with. "Sonic CD" is a game very much concerned with ecological ideas. The time travel gimmick shows us a world that is untouched by industry, in the process of being changed, and a grim destination of a totally corrupted, ruined natural landscape. These same concepts are subtly present in this little two minute opening too. It's neat looking and it's thematic! What more could you want? 

How about a bitchin' soundtrack too? The North American release of "Sonic CD" scores the animation to a song called "Sonic Boom," arranged by a fella called Spencer Nilsen and sung by the group Pastiche. To some ears, this song may sound cheesy. The lyrics are certainly goofy nonsense. What exactly does it mean to "reach the other side of the rainbow?" The singers also repeatedly conflate Sonic's speed with flying, which is odd. But when that chorus kicks in! The repetition of the title has an undeniable rhythm to it. When "Save the planet from disaster!" kicks in, it's impossible for me not to feel pumped. The instrumentation combines orchestral synth with wailing guitars, providing a soundtrack that is both epic in scope and contains a rock 'n' roll attitude. The perfect music to suggest smirking bad-ass Sonic is about to go on a planet spanning adventure here. It's awesome, you guys. I'm sorry, I won't be taking any questions on this subject. The defense rests. 

The combination of "Sonic Boom" and the specific motions of this animation are so ingrained in my memory that it's impossible for me to separate them. Which makes acknowledging that this wasn't the original soundtrack difficult to recognize. Whenever I watch the Japanese opening of "Sonic CD," I'm always taken aback when I hear "Sonic – You Can Do Anything." It's not that I dislike this song. This one also has a propulsive, bitchin' chorus you can shout along to. I think the rapping is silly sounding but the instrumental backing is probably more sophisticated than "Sonic Boom's" music. Simply put, this isn't the "Sonic CD" opening that imprinted on my brain as a kid. Hearing a different song over this animation feels intrinsically wrong because the U.S. version is so iconic to me. Any other song playing over it would feel weird to me. (Though this fan dub is pretty cool. I'm one of maybe only three people in the world who think Sonic and Bad Religion are a perfect match though...)

Having rambled on about this brief animation for twelve paragraphs, I've probably made my case that "Sonic CD's" intro is, in my eyes at least, at the tippy-top of all "Sonic" animation. It says a lot about how important this short little cartoon is to me that I could probably go on longer about it – did I mention that shot of the shadows of clouds moving across the ground while the synth pumps up at the very beginning? Arrrrgh, man, it's so fuckin' good! – but I'll wrap it up. Would a "Sonic" series or movie in this style of animation make me die of happiness? Yes. Hell, do it like that Daft Punk movie and score the entire story to pop songs, without any dialogue. Pure cinema. Alright, I'm visualizing fake movies now, time to pack it in. Unless the third "Sonic" film ends with Princess Sally popping out of the theater screen to tell me I'm a good man, this will be the only perfect score I ever hand out in this blog's history. [10/10]

Sonic the Hedgehog (IDW): Issue 74

Sonic the Hedgehog (IDW): Issue 74

Publication Date: October 30th

In various places around the internet, both here and elsewhere, I've talked about the benefits and detriments of serialization in storytelling. In the modern age of comic books, serialization is the rule of the land. Few stories are allowed to stand alone and every comic connects to the next one. Telling a story across multiple issues is usually a good thing. It is certainly healthier for world-building and character development. However, sometimes you truly do feel the weight of someone Writing for the Trade doing a disservice to the monthly installments. 

We see that keenly in issue #74 of IDW'S "Sonic the Hedgehog." The tangled mess of incidents and subplots that comprise the Clean Sweepstakes arc battle for dominance here. Amy, Tails, Belle, and the Chaotix fight with Clutch's forces deep within his ship. Charmy manages to get away from the fight and hand Nite a thumb drive full of incriminating evidence against Clutch and Clean Sweeps. He broadcast it to the public and Clutch, in desperation, looses his damn mind and decides to crash his massive flying fortress into the stands full of people. Sonic races off to save the day while everyone else argues among themselves. The issue then ends abruptly. 

Do you see the problem here? This is not a satisfying comic book to read on its own. This is a graphic novel chopped up into chapters, ending at almost random points. I certainly don't expect this comic book to tell a whole story in each issue but it would be nice if so many of IDW's individual floppies didn't feel like advertisements for the next installment. #74 is made up entirely of connective tissue between story beats. We're transferring from the end of the second act to the third here and, boy, can we feel it. Rather than a natural evolution of the story so far, this plays like a prologue to the next episode, when the really exciting stuff is going to happen. It says a lot about how out-of-whack the pacing for this arc has been, when an issue full of as much action and dramatic reveals as this one still feels so narratively inert. 

I know I ranted about this for most of the last review but the point still stands: Cutting back and forth between a bunch of different subplots does not a compelling story make. Evan does a slightly better job of juggling all these balls this time. Mostly because she focuses on one story strand for the majority of the issue. That would be the Chaotix and the others fighting Clutch and his eventual public exposing and breakdown. If the issue has been only about that, it probably would have made for a much more satisfying read. Instead, Stanley feels the need to check in on what everyone else is doing too. The race is seemingly called off but Jet refuses to let go of his petty rivalry with Sonic. Lanolin wants to bring Sonic to justice for his crimes as the Phantom Rider, while "Duo" reveals that Tangle and Whisper knew about it for a while. That happens solely so Mimic can cover his shifty ass, because the good guys still haven't noticed how obviously suspicious this dude is. Every time the story starts to build up a little momentum, it stops to give us a momentary update on some other thread. 

The biggest example of how badly this effects the overall flow of the comic is that Surge and Kit get a showcase scene, to remind us they still exist, where they don't actually do anything. They banter ominously with Duo/Mimic before staying in place, commenting on the action as it happens. Considering Surge's slow embracing of her better nature after becoming a fan favorite has been the best thing about this arc, it's frustrating that Stanley devotes a scene to these two that does nothing meaningful to move their development along. You do not get extra points simply for putting the good characters on the page! They have to actually do something for their appearance to mean anything. We all know Surge is a bad bitch who doesn't care what anyone thinks about her. (Despite actually really caring a lot.) Her picking her teeth and sitting around on her hover-bike while Clutch attempts a Colony Drop on the spectators doesn't add anything. This scene did serve one purpose though: It reminded me that Surge and Kit know "Duo" is Mimic, which I had forgotten about with everything else going on. She does this by calling him the humiliating nickname "Tentacles." Aww, I love it when Surge bullies the other kids. 

Let us step back and discuss another aspect of issue 74 though. From time to time, you see some jack-ass on social media claim that the "Sonic" franchise isn't politic. This is in defiance of the obvious environmental and anti authoritarian subtext that has been there since the first game. Evan Stanley, whether intentionally or not, does provide a big "fuck you" to that corner of the fandom with this scene. When the drive full of dirty laundry on Clutch and Clean Sweeps Inc. is revealed to the public, is it info about how Clutch is a former crime boss and has committed kidnapping, illegal imprisonment, and attempted murder within this issue alone? Not so much! Instead, the infodump focuses on Clean Sweep Inc. improperly dumping toxic waste, poisoning groundwater supplies and the air people breathe. Falsified records, extortion, and silencing whistleblowers, and using all their funds to manufacture weapons. In other words, it is revealed to the public at large that Clutch and his company have been participating not in comic book bad guy crimes but in regular, real world, corporate crime. That's right, kids. Clutch isn't a supervillain. He's something much worse: A capitalist! Maybe the Restoration should work on restoring some government agencies to provide regulations and laws that big companies are forced to follow...

I'm slightly surprised that a comic for little kids would go in this direction. I think it's great to teach children that corporations are not your friend. However, IDW "Sonic" isn't prepared to grapple with the real world ramifications of events such as these. If the post-Trump era has taught us anything, it's that a lot of people don't give a shit about corporations doing horrible things. Some people actually make excuses for such events! Clutch refers to this breaking news as a "smear campaign" and that the amount of money he makes justifies whatever crimes he's committed. That it is "good business" and that "nobody cares about a few sick kids." The comic has Clutch do this on-camera before a crowd, who boo him immediately. He sees the consequences of his criminal disregard for the safety of the world right away. Here in reality, when evidence that CEOs have committed serious crimes leak to the press, the execs lawyer up. Usually, they have enough cash to pay whatever fines exist for their infractions, meaning the bad guys see no consequences for their actions and the infrastructure that allows them to do these things never changes. This is a comic book for little kids. After being exposed, Stanley has Clutch loose his mind and immediately become homicidal. This is either the author realizing that corporate criminals like Clutch rarely pay for their actions, causing her to write him immediately doing something obviously and blatantly evil to remove any doubt in the public's mind... Or this is merely a funny book for grade-schoolers and that much thought was not put into it. Either way, Clutch's mental breakdown is probably the best moment in this issue. 

Something else this issue got me thinking about... Isn't it funny how, when Lanolin was nothing but a background character, when we knew nothing about her, she was beloved by the fandom with multiple people demanding more appearances from her? Now that she has become a featured player and been gifted with an actual personality, she has quickly become one if the most loathed characters in the book? Almost as if deciding you like someone based solely on their outward appearance is shallow or something. Anyway, considering the production cycle for comic books, I assume Stanley was not aware of the fan reaction to Lanolin when she wrote the script for issue. At this point, however, it feels a bit like the writer is actively trying to make us dislike Lanolin. When Duo reveals that Tangle and Whisper knew Sonic was the Phantom Rider, the sheep gets extremely offended. She attempts to track down Sonic and arrest or something, I guess, when he's in the middle of saving the day. It's only after Tangle and Whisper talk her out of it that she changes her mind, deciding to put this debate on-hold until after the crisis is resolved. And so Lanolin is revealed to reside on the most annoying corner of the Character Alignment Chart: Lawful Neutral, the designation for people who think the law – or, at least, their personal interpretation of it as it aligns with their own morality – is an inflexible facet of the world and that any violation of it must be immediately and swiftly punished. 

In effect, this accomplishes two things. First off, Tangle's defense – that Sonic was doing the wrong thing for the right reason and we should just trust the guy the comic book is named after – does not feel like a justifiable position. "He's my friend, my friends are good and would never do anything bad, therefore my friend doing a bad thing must be good" is not the ethical position you think it is, Tangle. Generally, the comic acting like Sonic can do whatever he wants and not face any consequences for it is, makes our hero look like an unaccountable vigilante who can do no wrong. And that's not compelling. More pressingly, all of this makes Lanolin look like a bitchy straw man. She has a good point. 

We should hold those we have designated as our defenders to a strict set of rules! However, Lanolin reacting to this information in a moody, impulsive, and frankly illogical fashion makes her seem like, ya know, an idiot. Obviously saving the lives of thousands of innocent civilians is more important right now, lady. Which raises the question of if we are supposed to dislike Lanolin, of this is building towards some sort of growth or change for her. Or if we are heading towards a tedious courtroom arc where Sonic is put on trial for crimes that he will obviously be cleared of, because he's the default good guy of this universe. I don't know if that would be better or worse than the comic simply moving on past these events and hoping we forget they all happened. 

In general, it's another very frustrating issue. I've already pointed out how frequently any tension or momentum the script builds up is immediately undermined by switching focus to something else happening, usually via slow dialogue scenes. We see this in the action sequences too. The opening rumble between Clutch's goons and the Chaotix is decently executed, mostly thanks to Aaron Hammerstrom's bad-ass pencils. However, there is a moment that bugs me. Clutch grabs Charmy, puts his cane-gun to his head, and demands the Chaotix hand and the thumb drive get back in their cage. At this point, I would imagine Clutch would simply kill these guys – which he was attempting to do only a few panels earlier – rather than imprison them again. But, okay, whatever, this is a G-rated comic book. What happens instead is much more depressing. Vector pretends to concede, only for Espio to toss a shuriken into the debate and Charmy to sting his way out of Rough's grasp. What was the point of this moment? We already know that Clutch has no qualms about hurting children, as he's already tried to shoot Charmy. It adds no suspense to the sequence, as the situation is immediately resolved without any stakes being raised. This sequence simply makes the heroes look like they can easily wiggle their way out of any dilemma or makes Rough look like a bigger joke than he already is for forgetting that bees have stingers. 

I'm not convinced that this beat wasn't inserted strictly to make the comic book longer, in order to guarantee that this arc wraps up in the big anniversary issue next time. The awkward, stop-and-start feeling this entire arc has had makes me suspect that is the case. That action scene wraps up with Clutch running after Charmy as he flees the room and, right as he leaves, the villain perfectly shoots the control panel. Which means a not-small portion of the sprawling cast are, once again, stuck in a fucking boiler room. Throughout this storyline, Stanley has become obsessed with inventing these contrived reasons to keep the teams apart. Before, it was Tails and Amy being stuck on the other ship, looking for Belle. Maybe this story shouldn't have had twenty-one central characters? You don't have to include everybody in the team in every story, Evan. You don't need four or five dramatic things happening at once. "Urban Warfare" had this same problem, this need to shove in as many of the beloved cast members as possible and march each of them through constant action scenes and contrived subplots. That's not how you write an epic. It's how you write a shitty epic. Wasn't this storyline supposed to be about hoverboard racing???

People seem to like this on-going story, so I guess that problem must be with me. Still, I've seen this comic book, this exact same writing, do things in a much smoother and far more satisfying manner. In her Archie days, Stanley would shove in random events without setting them up. Now, she feels compelled to create these elaborate and unbalanced soap operas that weave through far too many characters and shove in far too much unconvincing action scenes. All of which ignores Stanley's strengths, which are in character interaction. A little aside here where Amy points out that both her and Don have a hammer for a weapon, and he cracks a joke about the boots she's wearing, will stick in my memory far longer than any of the other bullshit that happens in this issue. That's the benefit of having a big group of characters to draw from, seeing these different personalities bounce off each other, not insisting that every single one of them must participate in this meandering narrative. 

A simple two or three issue race story line, focused on Surge learning to be loved, would have been a great idea. A three issue plot focused on the Chaotix exposing Clutch's crimes to the public probably would've been fun. Giving Jet some much needed character development by centering in on his obsessive desire to beat Sonic would have made for a solid one-off. Even Sonic cosplaying as a Psycho-Ranger or melodramatic in-fighting among the Diamond Cutters, by far the least interesting part of this saga, could have been redeemed. Instead, all of these ideas were rammed together and the result has been, unsurprisingly, a mess. At least it'll be over next month, right? Sorry to be so negative, as I know some folks have been enjoying this one. I swear, I never set out to be a humorless, pretentious old man that hates everything because he holds a book for little kids to too high of a standard. What do you expect this middle-aged man to do, not review the "Sonic the Hedgehog" comic book? Anyway, I'm really looking forward to this series moving on to something else soon. [5/10]