Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, Episode 1.63: Sonic is Running

Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, Episode 1.63: Sonic is Running

Original Air Date: November 23rd, 1993

"Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog" was rarely a political show, at least purposefully. Despite that, and probably because the title made for an easy pun, the show decided to try its hand at presidential satire. "Sonic is Running" begins with Momma Robotnik paying her son an unexpected visit. She's jealous that the son of a cohort was recently elected president of his gardening club. She demands Robotnik run for president and, despite opposing the idea of a fair election, he agrees to the ploy. Wes Weasly is hired as his campaign manager and soon cooks up ads that hypnotize people into voting for Robotnik. Sonic's eyes are too fast to be hypnotized. He quickly decides to run against Robotnik, humiliating him every chance he gets. 

"Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog" was made back in the blissfully naïve days of the Clinton administration, back when a president getting a blowjob was enough to nearly derail his entire career. In the smoking wreckage of the Trump years, "Sonic is Running" plays entirely differently than it did back in 1993. A sociopathic wannabe dictator with ridiculous hair running for president is no longer possible solely within the realm of cartoons. Once again, I can't help but notice eerie parallels between this twenty-year-old cartoon and our recent present. Robotnik's ad campaigns promise to return Mobius to simpler, more traditional times. He wants to Make Mobius Great Again. He fetishizes the Mobian flag, without ever engaging with what these things actually mean. Despite constantly doing terrible things, people are compelled to pay attention to him. In fact, he develops a devoted cult following despite being awful at every opportunity. 

Of course, noting similarities between Trump appealing to the worst instincts of the American condition and Robotnik literally hypnotizing people into loving him is a stretch, even for me. The biggest difference between this crude parody of a presidential campaign and the crude parody of reality that was 2016 is that Wes Weasly tries to reshape Robotnik into a wholesome, all-American family man. He designs a loyal wife for him, a smiling June Cleaver. (I can't find a meaningful connection between a custom-built android wife and a purchased European supermodel but I feel like there's a comparison to make there.) Wes also insists Robotnik has a lovable dog, saying voters won't accept their president not having a pet. The biggest difference between fiction and reality is that, every time Robotnik does something terrible, it breaks the spell and people turn on him. Robotnik's campaign fails. I guess the idea of some voters embracing an objectively dreadful human being to "own the libs" was beyond the writers of a cartoon show back in 1993. 

Of course, the fact that American politics became more grotesquely cartoonish in the last two decades really isn't a credit to this show. "Sonic is Running" is, as you'd expect, not cutting-edge political satire. It's mostly underachieving slapstick. Robotnik's dog bites his heel every time he says heel. This show continues to operate under the assumption that all television is live and Robotnik's campaign commercial is full of mishaps. Sonic tricks the doctor into repeatedly eating garbage in one scene. The episode ends with its various running gags piling up and Robotnik being crushed by a stage light. Never once does the show state what Mobian voters actually like, as Sonic's only stated political position is his stance against Robotnik. As soon as he wins, he resigns and gives the presidency to Henry Walrus, a candidate that is stated to be wholesome but we learn literally nothing about. 

None of the jokes are all that funny but there is an incredibly bizarre gag that I must mention. At one point, Sonic dresses up as a "sexy" women and attempts to seduce Robotnik. He is seemingly successfully tempted but must delay the rendezvous because his robo-wife is in the next room. RoboWife immediately discovers the quasi-infidelity and is immediately enraged. But the question must be asked: What was Sonic's endgame here? What if the wife hadn't noticed sooner? What if Robotnik had been more eager? Would our hedgehog hero had to, uh, follow through? Not to mention the casual homoeroticism of Robotnik, once again, being attracted to his enemy in drag. Moreover, why was there a joke about politicians wanting to fuck the first pretty female they see in this cartoon? It's a really weird moment, is the point. 

Moving on from that subject... We are nearing the end of "AoStH" run, in both production and airing order. It's interesting that this show without almost zero continuity did manage to build up a unique supporting cast of sorts. Momma Robotnik is not the focus of the episode but she does motivate its plot. Wes Wesley, with his ability to sell people all sorts of terrible bullshit, proves adapt at the job of campaign manager. Bert Whoo and Roxy from "Untouchable Sonic" show up for a scene. So does the aghast polar bear that has shown up previously for one-off gags. Even the news reporter Collie Chang has previously appeared, in "Zoobotnik." 

Only Wes really contributed anything to the episode, his slimy conman antics providing a vague commentary on the American political process. Momma is just there to yell and humiliate Robotnik. Bert and Roxy appear just to show how even good people are susceptible to Robotnik's brainwashing. Chang provides inappropriate cleavage. (This show did have a weird habit of sexualizing its female characters, didn't it?) I sort of wish Breezie and Junior could've shown up, just to bring back some more familiar faces. This show's unique characters did have their own weird charm, I'm aghast to admit. 

Oh, also: Even though the moral of the episode is obviously about how you should never trust political ads, the "Sonic Sez" segment instead reminds kids to brush their damn teeth. Anyway, "Sonic is Running" is not really a funny episode but it can't help but be kind of an interesting one. Even if that was mostly on accident. [6/10]

Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, Episode 1.43: Coachnik

Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, Episode 1.43: Coachnik

Original Air Date: October 18th, 1993

In the episode "Coachnik," Robotnik becomes so disgusted with Scratch and Grounder's continued inability to capture Sonic, that he decides the robots need some extra education. He builds a robot coach, the eponymous Coachnik, to whip his pathetic underlings into shape. Sonic and Tails quickly catch wind of this plot, infiltrating the area where Scratch and Grounder are training and undermining the operation. As a back-up, Robotnik builds a bomb shaped like a football and installs it in Grounder's head.

"Coachnik" was an episode that really had me asking "Which fad was the writer chasing this time?" There's been almost no point in modern pop culture when sports weren't massively popular. For a lot of people, sports is the only form of pop culture they really engage with. But in the nineties, the crossover appeal of iconic athletes like Michael Jordan, Dennis Rodman, Tiger Woods, and Wayne Gretzky made sports a bigger deal than ever. Listen, "caring about sports" ranks somewhere around "septic tank maintenance" and "live vivisection" on the list of things I want to experience. But even I was invested in the Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire home run rivalry of the late nineties. That's how big of a deal the ol' sportsball was in the decade of my youth. You couldn't not be wrapped up in this stupid shit.

So it makes sense that "AoStH," being the desperate and lazy program it was, would draw inspiration from that. Sports-based video games were also very popular in the early nineties. After all, the Sega Genesis led the market in that area. The line of football video games named after former coach John Madden was extremely popular on that console at the time. So it's possible that was an inspiration too. Does the Coachnik resemble John Madden, a man I'm not sure I've ever seen a picture of in my life, in appearance or mannerisms? People who are more knowledgeable than I on this subject, let me know. Also, there was a mildly popular sitcom named "Coach" on at the time and, considering "AoStH" based a whole episode on an old SNL sketch, that might've been an influence too.

But I'm probably just overthinking it. I've been accused of that before. It's not like "Sonic + sports" is a hard idea to come up with. In fact, I suspect that was the entire thought process behind "Coachnik's" writing. As a narrative, this one is especially poor. It's another one of those episodes with little-to-no plot, that instead quickly degrades into Sonic humiliating his enemies through various gags. You can tell the episode wanted to be like the old Looney Tunes cartoons. The opening scene, involving a desert and a flamethrower, is an obvious attempt to emulate the Road Runner/Coyote series. Yet this show has no timing or discipline behind its absurdity. A gag like Sonic reversing the old "paint a tunnel on a cliff side" joke might've been funny if it wasn't rushed through and delivered with sludge hammer bluntness.

The show is so desperate to emulate classic cartoons, that it seriously abuses the bongos sound effect for characters running. That sweaty desire to produce big, goofy side gags – as it often did with this show – produces increasingly disturbing sights. When Coconuts is weight-training, Sonic shows up in an unsightly muscle suit. (Jaleel White does one of the weakest Arnold Schwarzenegger impression I've ever heard in this scene and I've heard a lot.) As recent event let us all know, Sonic with muscular, humanoid legs is an inherently unsettling sight. The show then doubles-down on this with a mildly homophobic bit where Sonic dresses as a ballet instructor... Also with distressingly detailed legs. The episode ends with a disembodied leg kicking Robotnik's ass across a landscape, a sight that would be utterly grotesque in any other context.

The biggest indicator that "Coachnik" is a half-assed episode is that it can't even commit to its own premise. The Coachnik, ostensibly the main motivator behind this whole plot, doesn't actually do anything! His attempts to improve Scratch and Grounder only serve as set-up for a series of underachieving gags. He's not in most scenes and has no involvement in the climax. Usually, the guest characters serve to create a wacky new situation but you could remove the Coachnik from this story and it wouldn't be much affected.

 

The only actual plot here involves Tails feeling like he never gets to help Sonic save the day. This gets briefly set up in the first scene and the most cursory of mentions at the end. Otherwise, this conflict between Sonic's hyper confidence and Tails' growing maturity informs the script in no way. It's another useless episode and I greatly resent my nerdiness forcing me to watch and review it. Also, the "Sonic Sez" segment informs us to always stretch before any physical exertion, a moral that greatly overestimated childhood me's interest in going outside and moving. [4/10]

Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, Episode 1.23: Grounder the Genius

Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, Episode 1.23: Grounder the Genius

Original Air Date: September 17th, 1993

It might be hard to remember, now that we all carry the internet in our pockets, but computers were once thought of as a very exotic commodity. In the early nineties, home computers were just entrenched enough to be common place. The next wave of computer technology was fast approach. Words like “virtual reality,” “microchips,” and “the world wide web” were on everyone's lips, though most people didn't actually understand what these things could realistically do. In this environment, hack TV writers thought computers and the associated jargon were essentially magic. Considering the role robotics play in the “Sonic” universe, it's not surprising that “Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog” would put its stamp on the “computers can do anything!” genre.

As the title suggests, “Grounder the Genius” has Robotnik's most dim-witted robotic henchman suddenly becoming brilliant. However, that change doesn't actually take place until eight minutes into this 22 minute cartoon. The first third of the episode is devoted to Robotnik's new invention, a microchip powered helmet that should make him even smarter. Through some vaguely defined computer magic, Hacker – a mole friend of Sonic's who is, yes, a computer hacker – hijacks the program. Robotnik sends Scratch and Grounder to retrieve it and, through a mix-up, Grounder ends up getting a hold of the intelligence-boosting microchip. Grounder quickly captures Sonic, turns Scratch against Robotnik, and imprisons his former boss. But he didn't count on the power of friendship, as Tails arrives to free Sonic.

Even though I'm only ten episodes deep into my watch-through of “Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog,” some of the episode's have had pretty sweaty premises. “Sonic plays in the Olympics' or “Sonic helps a merman get laid” are barely stories. In this company, “Grounder becomes super-smart and turns the table on everyone” actually qualifies as a decent concept. Watching Gounder successfully outsmart everyone, turning Sonic to stone and locking up Robotnik, is satisfying to watch. At one point, Sonic tries on a disguise and attempts to hand Grounder a bomb but the newly super-smart robot sees right through the scheme. Garry Chalk, being a versatile performer, can easily play both a doofus and an erudite genius. 

Yet there's a little bit of a problem here. If “Adventures” was a serious show, this story probably would've made for a really strong episode. Sonic actually being challenged, outsmarted, and even defeated by a formerly foolish foe could've generate a lot of suspense and satisfying action. But “Adventures” is a comedy show. And the jokes just aren't here this time. Weirdly, Scratch gets most of the laughs. After the super-smart Grounder denounces Scratch's intelligence, the chicken bot says “I don't what that meant but I know it's an insult!” Which made me laugh a little. So did a scene where the chicken just assumes his new boss is making fun of him. A moment where Scratch and Grounder, pre-microchip, are pleased that they weren't crushed in their own trap – only for it to fall atop them – is recognizable as a gag. A sequence where Robotnik is transformed into a series of various balls – a tennis ball, a basketball, a football – is memorably bizarre, if nothing else.

I can't believe I'm saying this but this episode of “Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog” might be too story-driven to actually be funny. A lot of the gags here – Robotnik getting his intelligence zapped at the end, Scratch smacked with his own hammer, a misunderstanding of the phrase “bait” – all come and go without even generating a groan. There are moments that almost seem to be jokes, like Grounder bickering with Robotnik about what his new job title should be. Or the bad guys almost tricking Sonic with a Tails-resembling doll. (That is not, I must stress, Tails Doll.) Yet the punchlines never quite manifest.

What truly sticks out about this episode are the things that are just.. Weird. After Robotnik's brain-enhancing helmet is introduced, there's a weird scene transition. When Scratch is ranting at Grounder, there's a weird focus on the robot chicken's teeth. Why does a robot have teeth? When trying to escape the dungeon, Robotnik runs and dodges laser blasts in a surprisingly graceful manner. I can't tell if that's sloppy animation or an actual joke. The character of Hacker, never seen before or since despite Sonic and Tails treating him like an old friend, has the exact same voice as Lucas from “Best Hedgehog.” (Ian James Corlett voices Hacker. Lucas' voice actor was uncredited but, considering Corlett also voices Coconuts, I assume it's him.) It's a little distracting and the whole computer hacking element of the story makes no sense anyway.

Once again, the “Sonic Sez” segment forgoes any schtick or jokes. Sonic addresses the audience by pointing out that real people can't get a brain upgrade like Grounder did. You have to study hard and stay focused on learning if you hope to have academic success. Sonic stops just shy of saying “It's cool to stay in school!” (Or maybe “it's way past cool to stay in school!” would've been more his style.) As far as “Sonic Sez” segments go, it's not too cringey, though this moral is still kind of weird coming from Sonic. Again, Sonic is associated with going fast and his snarky attitude, not academics. 

So it's another middling episode of “Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog,” though less actively annoying than some episodes I've seen. It's a bummer because, with a little fine-tuning, this probably could've been a lot stronger. Also, I have no proof of this but I assume Sonic being turned into stone probably spring-boarded some poor furry deviant's fetish somewhere. Let's close the review on that thought. [5/10]