Sonic Boom, Episode 2.05: The Biggest Fan

Sonic Boom, Episode 2.05: The Biggest Fan

Original Air Date: December 16th, 2016

Let's just be honest about one thing: The "Sonic" fandom has a reputation. I think, in this day and age, we've all made peace with the fact that "Sonic" fans are generally perceived to be weird. In 2023, it's regarded almost as a charming quirk of the series. "Oh, you wacky Sonic fans, with your recolors and autism and disturbing paraphilias." In the modern day, when we've seen the horrors of the internet radicalize nerds into fascists and mass-shooters, it's generally recognized that just being really passionate about a blue cartoon hedgehog isn't that big of a deal. Not to mention "Sonic" weirdos have largely been surpassed in freakiness by Bronies and other more visible, more risible subcultures. 

This was not necessarily the case in 2016, when the series was still trying to rehabilitate itself after years of high-profile flops. Part of that healing process began when the franchise started to become self-aware about its own notoriety. Ambitious fan works like "Sonic Dreams Collection" and "Tails Gets Trolled" turned this reputation on its head, making the "Sonic" fandom's penchant for strangeness into a self-aware joke. The "you can't make fun of us, if we make fun of ourselves first" strategy. When the official "Sonic" Twitter account starting playing along with the memers, it became clear that Sega – or at least the social media branch of Sega – was embracing this technique as well. This, alongside never letting people forget the series' glory days, is what eventually led "Sonic" to becoming a beloved point of nostalgia among the mainstream, that can still be popular and well-received while also cracking jokes about its own infamy. 

I don't know how much of an impact the "Sonic Boom" animated series had on this. I suspect we won't know for sure until the kids who watched this show when it was new grow up to become game designers and show runners themselves. Yet I suspect that "Boom," with its frequently meta and very self-aware writing, had a role to play in this refurbishing. Which is to say: It was really only a matter of time before "Sonic Boom" did an episode making fun of the "Sonic" fandom. That time would arrive early in season two with "The Biggest Fan."

After Amy talks Sonic into speaking at a local school's career day, he is met in the audience by Mark the Tapir. The deeply nerdy Mark declares himself to be Sonic's biggest fan. The hedgehog is made a bit uncomfortable by the guy's lack of boundaries but eventually warms up to him. He even hires Mark to be his personal assistant. This turns out to be a huge mistake. Mark soon reveals himself to be an unhinged stalker, who takes Sonic captive and forces him to act out all his disturbing fantasies. Amy, Tails, and Knuckles quickly deduce what is going on and get wrapped up in this themselves. 

 

"Sonic" fans being the uniquely passionate individuals that they are, it's unsurprising that "Boom" was divisively received. What is surprising is that the show's writers so quickly picked up on the most common criticism among the most perturbed fans. "The Biggest Fan" includes in-jokes about "Boom" Sonic having blue arms and wearing too much speed tape, minor cosmetic changes that some folks lost their shit about. Gags like this characterize this episode's general approach, which is heavy on the in-jokes. Early on, Sonic mentions he has many fans who criticize everything he does, a good example of biting-the-hand-that-feeds humor. There's even lines about fanfiction that isn't family-friendly and the SonAmy pairing. Mark dressing himself up as Sonic can even be seen as a jab at fursuiters or the recolor phenomenon. 

"The Biggest Fan" being such a self-aware episode has led some to speculate that Mark the Tapir is a spoof of one especially notorious "Sonic" fan. In all the years Hedgehogs Can't Swim has existed, I've managed to never explicitly mention Christian Weston Chandler and I guess that streak ends today. Yes, some believe that Mark the Tapir is a direct parody of the notorious – so notorious that no introduction is really necessary and if you don't know who this person is, I'm so sorry for telling you – Charlottesville, Virginia resident and the creator of Sonichu. Proponents of this theory point towards Mark wearing dorky glasses, an unflattering polo shirt, and being tubby with a bad haircut. Of course, his disturbing fixation on Sonic is the biggest common denominator between Mark and the mayor of CWCVille. 

I personally believe this theory to be a stretch. I have no doubt that the "Boom" writers were aware of Chris-Chan. You can only exist in the "Sonic" sphere for so long before discovering them. People officially employed by Sega have referenced Sonichu before. Yet it's clear to me that Mark is a more general parody of obsessive fans than Chris-Chan specifically. First off, it's weird that writer Doug Lieblich would base a character on Chris without paying homage to their tendency to create nearly identical mash-up fan characters, what first brought this person to infamy. 

Secondly, Sonic is actually rather receptive to Mark at first. The tapir is even helpful, giving the hedgehog pointers on how to defeat Charlie at one point. It's hard to imagine the notoriously awkward Chris-Chan pulling those feats of. The only moment that seems potentially directed at CWC, in my eyes, is the blue arms joke. And even that could be a coincidence, as CWC was not alone in being offended by this change. (Lieblich would officially deny basing the character on anyone specific and I'm inclined to believe him.)

Otherwise, Mark is a generic creepy nerd type, his appearance based on well understood physical stereotypes. He's even rather conniving at moments, his obvious unsavory tendencies rising to the surface not-so-subtly. In fact, "The Biggest Fan" is clearly more influenced by Stephen King's "Misery" than any depraved, deranged fan comics. A moment when Sonic attempts to escape and disrupts a display of knickknacks Mark has set up, the minor disturbance of which the obsessive fan immediately notices, is a direct homage to King's novel. Mark's desire to take care of Sonic's needs, holding him captive, while forcing him to validate his weird, personal fantasies generally have more in-common with Annie Wilkes than anyone else I could name. 

Even then, I wish the episode got a little more into Mark's motivations. King's "Misery" is one of the greatest works ever on the toxic codependency between fans and the properties they obsess over. Annie Wilkes made her very specific, very personal interpretation of the "Misery" books part of her personality, part of her dogma. When Paul Sheldon, the creator of the thing she loves so much, threatens that interpretation, Annie becomes totally unhinged. You see this exact same dynamic in the "Sonic" fandom, where people become so obsessively attached to the version of the franchise that exists in their heads, that even official deviations from that vision amount to blasphemy. 

"Misery" also makes it clear why Annie fixated so much on these books: She's a sad, extremely lonely individual who has been rejected by the world, owing to obviously untreated mental health problems. With no one in real life to turn to, she has taken solace in fiction. Now, I'm not making any accusations against Sonic fans. I don't think anyone reading this blog would ever kidnap Yuji Naka or Ian Flynn and hobble them. But, I'm just saying, I've definitely seen similar attitudes during my many years in this fandom. Love can make you crazy and that includes love for fictional narratives and media properties. 

"The Biggest Fan" doesn't get into any of that. I mean, of course it doesn't. It's an eleven minute long comedy cartoon intended for children. It doesn't have the time nor inclination to examine the deeply rooted causes of obsessive fandom. Yet it does bug me some that we learn so little about Mark. Why he's so devoted to Sonic is never elaborated on. He just exists as an idea – a clingy, nutty fan who takes things too far – and doesn't receive any depth. The specific things about Sonic that appeal to him aren't explained. In fact, his exact plans for Sonic, outside of taking him captive and making him read his fanfics, aren't shown. I get that "Boom" only has so much time to tell its story and that delivering the yuks is its main concern. Yet a real chance to do something more was thrown away here. 

For what it's worth, the yuks are reliably delivered in this installment. The episode begins with a good barrage of jokes, when we hear the various people from around the village discuss their jobs. Lady Walrus asking why poor people aren't simply born wealthy is definitely a highlight. As is the big finale, where Sonic and friends attempt to fight off Mark while wearing restrictive body-casts. That's a rare example of this show using its limited animation budget to its advantage. Knuckles also gets a good moment involving spinning plates while Tails directing a line towards Amy about unhealthy attachment made me laugh loudly. 

"The Biggest Fan" is ultimately a merely good episode that easily could've been a fantastic episode. Even its final moment, that shows Sonic reacting to a different fan approaching him, could've been made into something deeper. In our modern age, when content creators intentionally seek out parasocial relationships with their fans, an ending that so definitively established the need for healthy boundaries could've been profound. Instead, it's just a gag. That's how it goes, I guess. I suppose an official "Sonic" product referencing dirty fanfic should be reward enough of its own. [7/10]

30 Years of Sonic Fandom

On this date, thirty years ago, the very first "Sonic the Hedgehog" video game was released for the Sega Genesis. Congratulations, Sonic, you're officially middle-aged. Buy a boat and start planning your retirement. Despite wildly divergent highs and lows over all that time, "Sonic" is somehow still relevant to our modern world. Sega has done everything they can to hype up this significant anniversary, though one assumes bigger plans were hijacked by the collective clusterfuck that was 2020. Either way, the "Sonic" franchise has now survived three decades, which is way longer than I think anyone ever could've anticipated back in 1991. 

Obviously, Hedgehogs Can't Swim wasn't going to let this momentous occasion pass without some sort of acknowledgment. Today, the pop culture and gaming press is surely full of all sorts of retrospectives, tracking the series' tumultuous and unexpected history over these past thirty years. You don't need me to regurgitate trivia and factoids that can be easily found anywhere else on the internet. Instead, I'm taking this magical day to talk about something far more self-indulgent: My history with "Sonic the Hedgehog," my story as a fan of whatever the hell this series is. 

I was almost three years old when the very first "Sonic the Hedgehog" game was unleashed on the world. By some twist of fate, I almost share a birthday with my favorite multi-media franchise. The original game came out exactly one day before I turned three. That's young enough that I have no specific memories of the first game's release. In fact, as I've mentioned before, I'm not even sure when I first became aware of the blue hedgehog. The earliest memory I actually retain about "Sonic" is also one I've talked about before: That would be watching a clip of "SatAM" on ABC's 1993 prime time preview of that year's new cartoon shows. 

I also know I saw ads for the original game in issues of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Magazine, which I thumbed through repeatedly as a kid as the Turtles were my first pop culture obsession. Those ads might very well be my first exposure to anything "Sonic" related. Either way, it was the cartoon show and the comic book, which I discovered shortly afterwards, that made me the true blue hedgehog fanatic that I am today.

I imagine this experience is not typical of "Sonic" fans my age. Most of you guys probably played the video game first. Because money wasn't always easy to come by in my childhood household, and because my mother thought video games were noisy and annoying, I didn't receive my own Sega Genesis until a few years later. I'm pretty sure I didn't get my Genesis until my seventh birthday, in June of 1995. I can recall with great detail how I got this console: My mom took me to Toys R' Us and had me pick out some Genesis games that she said were for a family member's birthday. I selected "Sonic 3," "Dr. Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine" and "Tiny Toon Adventures: Buster's Hidden Treasure." Being a naïve child, I bought right into this easily seen-through deception, a parent ignorant of gaming tricking her child into picking out his own gifts. Pretty sneaky, Mom! 

When I unwrapped those games on my birthday I was shocked and delighted. Because kids are dumb but also precious. I can assure you that "Sonic 3" and "Mean Bean Machine" were the first "Sonic" games I ever played. And I kind of sucked at both of them, having trouble getting through the first few levels. Yet I was still sucked in. I quickly acquired "Sonic 1," "2," "& Knuckles," "Spinball," and even "3D Blast." When we got our first PC a few years later, I even had a copy of "Sonic Schoolhouse," though I can't recall playing it more than once. While I never owned one myself, I did have a friend with a Sega CD and a copy of "Sonic CD," which allowed me to marvel at the opening animation and stumble through the first couple stages. 

Obviously, I spent many hours playing those games, wasting huge chunks of my childhood on pixels and controllers. "Sonic 2" and the singular, detached "Sonic & Knuckles" cartage became my favorites and are the only two I ever mastered as a kid. While I love and respect those original games, it's fair to say they aren't my favorite iteration of the "Sonic" universe. I can recall, as a young boy, wanting nothing more than for Sally and the Freedom Fighters to appear in one of the games. Imagine how bug nuts I went when I discovered their cameos in "Sonic Spinball." 

This is because, as I've said over and over again on this blog, the Archie comic book is really what turned me into a "Sonic" obsessive. I've been trying to figure out why this goofy comic book – which obviously had more than its fair share of shitty issues – meant so much to me. And I think I've finally cracked it: It was another world. Sonic's universe was colorful and crazy and full of lovable characters. It was a place that felt distinct from our world, with conflicts and melodramas that were bigger yet simpler than those of real life. It had depth too. Those early issues introduced new characters, story concepts, and ideas so quickly and sloppily that a convoluted lore quickly built up. As longtime readers of the comic and this blog know, those issues could also get surprisingly dark at times.

It was easy to get lost in this wonderland. When things got hard at home and in my young life, which they often did, I was always able to get lost in those comic books. More so than any thematic concerns or storytelling hooks, that's why "Sonic" means so much to me. As ridiculous as it feels to type this, those books became a source of comfort for me. And continued to be one for two decades, this comic ostensibly for children oddly finding a way to age with me. This might be why it bugged me so much when the reboot introduced regular humans to the comic's world, as it made the Archie universe resemble our world more. I don't want "Sonic" to resemble our world! I want it to be a wild and crazy place with its own weird-ass mythos and rules. 

It was an escape that was only for me too, making it feel even more impossibly personal. While I certainly knew kids and had friends who played the "Sonic" games and watched the cartoons, I was the only person I knew that was into the comic. This is probably why this stupid-ass funny animal book became part of my fuckin personality, because it sometimes felt like it was made just for me. As the decade went on and "Sonic's" popularity faded somewhat, I retreated even more into my obsession and started writing long-winded stories and fan comics about these characters and their world. I wanted to be a part of this universe that I loved so much. That desire expressed itself in fanfic ideas that may or may not have featured an overpowered self-insert character. 

I call these fanfics but they were more like ideas, episode synopses and scripts for non-existent TV shows and movies, because I didn't know what the fuck fan fiction was at the time. That all changed when I got online around 1998 or so. The first "Sonic" website I can recall finding was called The Sonic Foundation and it blew my fucking mind. There were other people out there like me! Who also knew about this shit and obsessed over it and wrote shitty stories where they got to hang out with their favorite characters! It was a real "eureka" moment, let me tell ya.

I quickly delve into the world of "Sonic" fandom, finding other sites and chat rooms and fanfic archives that took up too much of my time. This was so long ago that Google wasn't even popular yet and I had to use WebCrawler to search out primitive "Sonic" fan sites. Such as the homes of outed predator PsyGuy and future "Sonic" professionals like Tyson Hesse and J. Axer. I even pushed my limited HTML skills to the breaking point and attempted to create my own "Sonic" site on Angelfire, which shamefully still exists and I will definitely not link you to. Whether or not my ill-begotten attempts at fanfics and – shivers – sprite comics still survive, I thankfully can't tell you.

I was growing into a moody, emotionally disaffected, edgy pre-teen by this point. The world was about to get a lot darker, for everybody it seemed, and I was pleased to find other "Sonic" fans undergoing similar transformations. It wasn't hard at all to find comics and fanfics filled with edge-lord jokes and inappropriate darkness around that time. Fan-writers like David Macintyre, Stephen Zacharus, and some goofy goobers named Sean Catlett and Ian Potto became people I admired and looked up to. In a roundabout way, this led me on my own path towards attempting to become a professional writer, which is really a story for another day.

By this point, the nineties were over and we were all living in a strange new millennium. Among the many crazy changes I was grappling with at that time, the "Sonic" franchise underwent its biggest change ever. The launch of the Sega Dreamcast and the release of "Sonic Adventure" made the series popular again, if not as popular as it was during its early nineties heyday. The "modern" era of Sonic – which is now twenty years old – would signal a radical shift in game play and something like a change in attitude for the franchise. The stories became more involved, feeling increasingly like something out of an anime. It brought with it an influx of new fans, with "Sonic Adventure 2" really firing the imaginations of younger hedgehog appreciators. 

This, in my opinion, is when the "Sonic" fandom started to get weird. The internet was becoming more of a widespread thing, exposing the stranger corners of the fandom to a wider audience. The popularity of websites like DeviantArt and LiveJournal gave a voice to a lot of talented people and a lot of other people who probably shouldn't have had their voices amplified. The franchise going in a different direction intensified the petty debates between the opposing corners of the fandom. (Which, owning to the very different interpretations of the character that we're out there, we're already pretty far apart.) This, from my point-of-view, is when the Sonic fandom started to develop a reputation for being terrible.

Eventually, Sega stopped making consoles. Not too long after that, the games stopped being good. The franchise shattering failure of "Sonic '06" led the people who make "Sonic" games in increasingly offbeat directions – like adding guns or swords or making Sonic a werewolf for some reason – in a desperate attempt to keep people interested. This did little to rehabilitate the franchise and did even less for the fandom. Now there was this perception that we were all devotees of a loser, over-the-hill series that was bad now and was maybe always bad. Circa 2009 or so, saying you were a "Sonic" fan was about analogous to saying you were a furry pervert or a racist autist.

Unsurprisingly, this is when I started to distance myself from "Sonic." I was a young adult in college at the time and really had more important shit to do anyway. Yes, I was still reading the comic book and loving that it was actually good again around this time. Yet I stopped playing the games. I didn't watch the cartoons. I hid my merch when I had girlfriends over and only mentioned my long-held fascination to my closest friends. My initial launch of this blog in 2010, which only saw a few updates before I abandoned it, was actually a failed attempt to get back in-touch with my "Sonic" fandom. To figure out why I was so into this thing that was now regarded as a laughingstock. 

Yet the damage had been done. Over the last decade, the "Sonic" franchise had mutated in a lot of ways I don't recognize. I stopped buying video games altogether. "Generations" and "Mania" are really the only entries into the series I've played much since I turned 21. When people mention the "boost formula" or start arguing if Jason Griffith or Roger Craig Smith were better, I really have no idea what they're talking about. This is why I was dismissive of characters like Silver, Blaze, and the Babylon Rogues for so long. They were unwanted additions to a series that had, in my opinion, forgotten itself. 

It felt like a strange time to be a "Sonic" fan. Yet, for a lot of fans, this is the only version of the series they've known. The franchise may have felt like it was flatlining and the fandom sure seemed like it was rotting from the inside out. Still, the "Sonic" community survived and grew. When I do interact with other fans, via this blog and Twitter and Discord, I still feel out-of-place sometimes. I'm an old foggey who has been around since almost the beginning, which means I can't relate with some fans. Yet, these days, I'm largely at peace with the realization that some parts of the vast "Sonic"-verse are for me and some parts of it aren't. Starting to shift this blog less from an investigation into fandom and more of a collection of retrospective reviews helped me understand that. 

On its 30th anniversary, in a weird way, the "Sonic" series feels healthier than it's been a long time. The rehabilitation really started five years ago, during the last anniversary, when “Sonic Mania” became the first game in the series to receive unanimous praise in many, many years. The following big budget game was less well received but the fallout from that seems to be that Sega has learned to actually take time between titles, instead of rushing them out. The corporate entities behind “Sonic” got good at memes. A new comic began, garnering positive attention from people both in and outside the family. A movie that, at first, looked like a catastrophe was turned around at the last minute. The movie rode its status as the last major release before a global pandemic shut theaters down to surprising levels of success. Now, a sequel has finished filming and a new cartoon show is quickly approaching. 

In 2020, “Sonic” is still kind of a laughingstock but he's in on the joke now. The weird-ass legacy of the series is accepted and the blue hedgehog seems to be regarded with warm nostalgia by a lot of people. Though toxic behavior will always exist in any fandom, “Sonic” fans do seem to have chilled out somewhat and aren't the regular punching bags they once were. I guess I would say I'm cautiously optimistic about the franchise's future and am no longer ashamed to be a “Sonic” fan. It's part of who I am and I'm cool with that.

If you read this entire rambling essay, thanks for sticking around. Race onward into your third decade, blue hedgehog, and be proud of all you've accomplished. As for me, I guess I'll continue to chronicle these adventures. I seem to enjoy doing so. 

Some Thoughts on the Upcoming "Sonic" Movie

Recently, the internet has been all abuzz about the upcoming live-action “Sonic the Hedgehog” movie. And, as is all too typical of this franchise, the buzz has been largely negative. When a pair of teaser posters were revealed in December of 2018, showing little of this version of Sonic aside from his disturbingly muscular thighs, fans were horrified. Memes were quickly spawned and everyone had a good time dunking on this movie that won’t even be out for another eight months. More recently, clearly lit, full-body shots of Sonic’s movie redesign leaked. These too were greeted with jeers and disgusted scowls from many corners of the internet. The film’s production company quickly clarified that this is not the final design that will appear in the movie, which screams of damage control to me. Regardless of the exact details, we have a pretty good idea of what Sonic will look like in this movie. And most people hate it.

But perhaps I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s go back, way back, back before this iteration of Sonic was even a gleaming in some producer’s eye. See, I think most “Sonic” fans, especially in the modern era, come to the character through the video games. They would probably define themselves as “gamers” or what-have-you. I, on the other hand, have never been that plugged into the gaming world, save for my occasional love affair with a Dreamcast or Genesis. My primary fandom is film and has been most of my life. I’ve seen way too many movies. Most of my writing revolves around it.

So, I’m being one-hundred percent serious when I say I have been dreaming of a “Sonic the Hedgehog” movie most of my life. As a kid, I hoped for an animated feature adapted from Archie’s comic books, of course. In my twenties, I even kicked around the idea of writing my perfect “Sonic” movie. It would’ve fused early game lore with SatAM, naturally. Sonic and Tails’ quest to rescue their purloined “uncle” would bring them into an alliance with Princess Sally and the Freedom Fighters, defending the world against Robotnik’s Eggman Empire.

I envisioned a sinister Robotnik, obsessed with bringing order to a chaotic world. (Brian Cox in full-on Hannibal mode was my dream casting.) The last act would’ve featured Sonic battling his archenemy on the Death Egg. A half-roboticized Bunnie was among the Mobians the Freedom Fighters rescue before Robotnik’s warship takes to the skies. In my brain, the film would’ve had cartoony characters in photorealistic settings. Amy Rose, Bean the Duck, and the Tornado had small roles to play. I wanted a “hard PG” rating, if that makes any sense. An even more imaginary sequel would’ve loosely adapted “Sonic 3,” introducing Knuckles, Angel Island and Metal Sonic. Anyway, I never wrote it.

Little did I know, at the time, that several attempts had already been made to bring “Sonic” to the big screen. Among Ben Hurst’s varied attempts to revive “SatAM” was a proposed movie idea. Most infamously, at some point in the late 2000s, Ken Penders pitched a bonkers-looking movie called “Sonic Armageddon” to Sega. While I love the idea of an Archie-verse movie, Ken Penders writing a big-budget “Sonic” film – especially when the comic was going through one of its worst periods – makes me very nervous. Ken’s artwork suggests a dark movie steeped in Archie lore that Sega and the public likely would’ve rejected. The pitch video he put together inspired little confidence.

Neither of those ideas got very far but, in the mid-nineties, MGM came much closer to making a “Sonic” movie. Sega of America hired horror screenwriter Richard Jeffries, who produced a treatment entitled “Sonic the Hedgehog: Wonders of the World.” You can read all about this project and how it fell apart here but the short version is: The script had a young kid, struggling with bullies and his parents’ divorce, bringing Sonic and Robotnik out of “the game world” and into the “real” world. Sonic would’ve been a CGI character. Keep in mind, this was around 1995. So imagine how shitty that would’ve looked.

The film’s release was planned to coincide with the doomed “Sonic X-Treme,” meaning the entire project probably would’ve only hastened Sonic’s mid-nineties fall from the A-list. In the article, the producer mentions not wanting to make the missteps of the eighties "Masters of the Universe” movie. Yet it sounds like this proposed Sonic film had a nearly identical premise. Both make the fatal mistake of taking the characters fans are invested in out of their own world, dropping them into our boring world, and making some random asshole kid with random asshole kid problems the protagonist. Truly, is "Sonic the Hedgehog" not the story of a lonely boy learning to cope with his parents' divorce?

This new “Sonic” movie, that’s in active post-production and almost definitely will be released in the near future, sounds like it might make a similar mistake. In 2013, rumblings first began that Sony had acquired the rights to make a “Sonic” movie. Shortly afterwards in 2014, “Fist Fight” writing team Evan Susser and Van Robichaux were hired to do the script. (If that doesn’t excite you, it looks like their script has been rewritten by the scribes behind “Transylmania” and “The Cloverfield Paradox!”) In 2016, “Deadpool” director Tim Miller soon came on as a producer with his buddy Jeff Fowler – an animator whose only previous credit was Loony Tunes-esque short “Gopher Broke” – signed on as director. It seems like the movie didn’t move into active production until 2017, when Paramount acquired the rights. Now, filming has wrapped and the November 8th release date is speeding towards us like some sort of fast animal. I don't know, a cheetah or something.

All that time, we knew very little about what form this “Sonic” would take, other than it would be a combination of CGI and live action. As someone who is very used to the “Sonic” franchise disappointing me, I immediately imagined the worst. A film starring a small, CGI, talking animal amid human environments? That sounds like an obnoxious, lazy kids movie along the lines of “Alvin and the Chipmunks” or “The Smurfs.” This fear was not exactly calmed when James Marsden, star of “Hop,” signed on to be Sonic’s human companion. Is Sonic going to tell fart jokes in this movie? Will there be a dance party ending set to a top forty pop hit? Will this be like “Transformers,” where the non-human characters fans actually care about play second fiddle to some boring meatbags? Of course, there’s also the video game movie curse, which Hollywood still struggles to overcome.

As we learn more about the “Sonic” movie's premise, the story is sounding increasingly divorced from the source material. Apparently, in this film, Sonic is on the run from the U.S. government, takes shelter in a small town called Green Hills – an admittedly cute reference – and then teams up with the town’s sheriff to defeat Robotnik. The setting shifts to San Francisco sometime after that, it seems. So, what, is Sonic going to be some sort of top secret experiment? A genetically engineered superfast hedgehog soldier? Or will the movie go the “Sonic X” route and make him a transported alien? If the former is true, is Robotnik now his creator? I know modern Hollywood loves to tie together the origins of the hero and villain. There’s been rumors Robotnik will be a rogue CIA agent in the film, seemingly supporting this theory. At least they’re not calling him Eggman...

Yes, that does sound similar to the “Wonders of the World” treatment. Sonic will be removed from his traditional setting. Save for his archenemy, it seems none of his supporting cast are in the movie. Instead, it’s looking like he’ll be a co-star in his own movie. Which is actually about some random dude named Tom Wachowski for no apparent reason.

That Tom is being played by James Marsden, hardly anybody’s idea of an A-list movie star, further dampens my expectations. Especially since Paul Rudd, a popular actor people actually like, was supposedly in the running earlier. If a leaked piece of concept art is any indication, Sega initially hoped mega-star Chris Pratt would headline the movie. In fact, a supposed list of bandied-about names includes other Marvel superheroes like Chris Evans, Michael B. Jordan, and Jake Johnson. Nowhere on that list – not even under Justin Timberlake, Baby Driver, or the fucking star of “Heroes” – is James Marsden’s name. Suggesting he wasn’t even the fifth or sixth choice. Further suggesting a lot of people passed on the script. Suggesting further still, that it sucks.

Despite all the evidence giving me no reason at all to be optimistic, my obsessive “Sonic” fandom is forcing me to look on the bright side here. Tim Miller’s involvement does inspire some hope. I know “Deadpool” wasn’t everybody’s cup of tea but the character has certain similarities to Sonic. They are united by the ‘tude. At the very least, the movie’s head producer has made entertaining, popular films in the past. Back in June, Jim Carrey was cast as Robotnik. I know that certainly sounds like a potential disaster. Just based on physical appearance, Jim Carrey is famously scrawny, Robotnik is famously fat. But I am morbidly curious to see how it’ll play out. Carrey can be an excellent dramatic actor when he actually tries. There’s no reason to expect him to do this but, if he does play the part seriously, he may be a good choice. Also, Junkie XL is doing the music, so at least the movie will sound good.

If nothing else, the movie has nailed the casting of Sonic. I didn’t know who Ben Schwartz was when it was announced he was playing the part, even though the guy has been in various critically acclaimed films and TV shows. He also has voice-over experience playing nineties-related characters associated with the color blue, being the voices of Dewey and Leonardo in the latest iterations of “DuckTails” and “Ninja Turtles.” The more I see and hear of the guy, including that delightful Larry King video, the more it seems like he’s the perfect pick.

I’ll admit, though, those teaser posters did little to get my already low hopes up. I didn’t hate that first poster the way most “Sonic” nerds did. I even admire the filmmakers for maintaining Sonic’s iconic silhouette. The muscular runners’ thighs were definitely off-putting though. Now, we’ve gotten a clear look at Sonic’s movie design. While the reception has been vomitus, I gotta tell ya, I don’t hate it. To me, it still looks like Sonic. He’s still a blue hedgehog with gangly limbs, big cartoon eyes, a tan belly, a little black nose, a cocksure smirk, and a large head with a buzzsaw hairdo. I even find some of the changes rather clever. Instead of his eyes being joined in a weird mono-lid, a perfectly acceptable look in animation that would be very strange in real life, he now has separate eyes connected by a bridge of white fur on his nose. I even find Sonic’s red-and-white sneakers becoming Nikes a genuinely funny example of product placement.

I don’t like everything about the design. The legs are still weird. The lack of socks, which only draws further attention to the weirdness of the legs, is inexplicable. The decision to nix the gloves in favor of white fur on the hands is too clever. Just give him gloves, goddamn it. Still, the design is hardly the crime against humanity the internet is making it out to be. It’s certainly nowhere near as hideous as the Platinum Dunes Ninja Turtles or Will Smith’s Genie. A lot of fan reinterpretations I’ve seen of Movie Sonic seem to think you could just stick video game Sonic, with some extra detailed fur, into a live action setting. That wouldn’t work either, as prior fan projects have proven. Over all, I think this big budget take on Sonic is a good compromise.

Too bad my opinion doesn’t matter because the damage is done. Many Sonic fans were going to hate the movie anyway. The past has shown that, for some hardcores, any deviation from what they consider their definitive version of Sonic is heretical. (Never mind that there’s never been a definitive version of Sonic...) Will those bitchy fanboys come to embrace the film the way they eventually did the “Sonic Boom” cartoon? Maybe. Probably.

To the wider audience, the movie already seems like a joke, an unnatural aberration of a mostly forgotten pop culture artifact who is largely remembered as a joke anyway. Especially when compared to the “Detective Pikachu” movie, whose character redesigns have been well received. Whose trailers have converted even skeptical viewers into fans. The victor of the console wars was decided long ago. Once again, Nintendo is beloved and successful. Once again, Sega is the loser desperately clinging to its highly antiquated “cool” past, embraced only by weirdos and perverts. And even the weirdo perverts might hate this movie.

Yes, I am slightly bitter that the “Sonic” franchise seems to have bungled its next chance – maybe its last chance? – to win over a large audience again. As much as I want to blame this one on Sega’s inability to learn from their past successes, even Yuji Naka has distanced himself from this movie. Regardless of the finished product’s actual attributes, the quality of which is far from guaranteed, it already seems this movie will be remembered as a joke. This doesn't bode well for its box office chances either.

From the moment the “Sonic” movie was announced, I was filled with equal amounts of excitement and dread. Excitement because my childhood dream of seeing Sonic on the big screen was actually coming true. Dread because I knew – I fucking knew – they were going to screw it up. There's no way the real deal will live up to a lifetime of expectations. So my biggest hope, the best that I can expect, remains borderline competence. If the movie is anything better than a complete fucking dumpster fire, I will be overjoyed. I already know the best case scenario is me exiting the theater, sighing heavily, and grumbling “It could’ve been worst.” It seems many fans can’t even be that optimistic. Many have already made up their minds that the movie will be an Uwe Boll-level disaster.

The final verdict remains to be seen. Regardless of what happens next, you can rest assured that this won’t be Hedgehogs Can’t Swim’s last rambling dissertation on this topic. I imagine I’ll have many more thoughts to share once the trailer hits. Obviously, I’ll write a (probably very long) review when the movie finally comes out. Until then, it'll be business as usual here. Back to comic write-ups next time, including an IDW review during the weekend, I promise.

BACK ISSUES: A Hedgehogs Can't Swim Creepypasta

I’m telling you guys this because I know you’ll believe me. As I type these frenzied words, I can hardly believe it myself. Something impossible. Impossibly horrible. This awful revelation has its roots in something I hold dare, the subject of this very blog. I know some won’t believe me but I swear everything that follows is the awful, awful truth.

It started when the news of a comic shop opening in town reached me. Being somebody interested in comics, I immediately tracked the place down. Though it was in an odd part of town I rarely visited, I drove down there anyway. The building was right next to an old pharmacy. The place seemed like a typical comic shop, with rows of new books, trade paperbacks, and various toys and collectables lying about. The store also had a large selection of back issues. As soon as I saw that, I walked to the “S” section and started to look for any rare “Sonic the Hedgehog” comics I might not have.

Flipping through the books, it was a typical collection. Lots of issues from the last ten years, a handful that were slightly older then that. Tucked way back at the end of the wrack was something I couldn’t believe. An issue of Sonic #0, from the original mini-series! The very first “Sonic” comic Archie ever published! With a totally reasonable asking price, I scooped the book up and ran to the clerk. He gave me an odd look, smiling strangely, as I handed a few crumpled up bills. “I hope you enjoy that,” he said, nodding slowly. The man looked somewhat familiar yet I couldn’t place his face. At the time, I didn’t think anything of it.

After returning home, I put the bag down on my desk and went about my day. It wasn’t until the next day, after work, that I was able to really look at the book. Glancing at the cover, I immediately realized something was different. Sonic’s eyes were strangely blank, the pupils missing among the white sclera. As far as I knew, no misprints of this issue ever existed. Which meant I had an especially rare version, perhaps a one of a kind copy. I ran my thumb over the cover, making sure that this wasn’t the work of a pranksters or hoax artist. There was no addition paint or white out. This was a genuine copy.

Thumbing through the issue, I noticed other odd art mistakes. Sonic’s missing pupils weren’t confined to the cover. Every time he appeared in the book, his eyes were wrong. Just white starring voids, without the black dot to denote expression or feeling. This wasn’t the only oddness. Passing the page where he first met Caterkiller, I didn’t notice it at first. It was only after backtracking did I see the error. The robot’s teeth had been miscolored red by mistake, almost as if blood was dripping from his fangs. The speech bubble was screwed up too. Instead of saying his name, he introduced himself to Sonic as “Your Killer.” This was a seriously messed up book. No way it was real, I thought to myself. I was obviously holding a fake copy in my hand, albeit a well made fake. Somebody’s idea of a dumb joke.

I kept reading, too curious to put it down. I was going to see this prank through to the end. Scanning ahead a few pages, I hit the part where Sonic reaches Freedom HQ. The first introduction of Sally and the other Freedom Fighters. Yet there was something wrong on these pages too. The dialogue and expressions were normal. But Sally… Her eyes were entirely red. Like blood. Just huge bloody voids where her eyes would normally be. Almost as if someone had plucked them out of her head. That sight made a chill run up my spine.

It’s just a stupid prank, I thought. A prank somebody had put a lot of time into, digitally manipulating the images, printing them out, bounding the pages. Even keeping the old ads intact and then selling the comic back to a shop. The more I thought about it, the less likely a hoax option seemed. As I continued through that first story, with its goofy ending about crying trees, I notice something else strange. None of the characters were smiling, laughing, or joking around. Each of them looked miserable, as if they were in constant agony.

As the story ended, I expected to see that dumb illustration of Sonic and Sally bemoaning a cut down tree. After all, that’s the next image that appeared in the book. Instead, the story from issue 3 began, of Sonic disguising himself as a robot to sneak into Robotnik’s compound. The thought occurred to me again that this was a rare misprint in my hands. That maybe all the weird faces were simply a bizarre coloring error. Except that didn’t make any sense. Why would a future issue get mixed up with the first one? A closer look revealed something more disturbing. Once again, the word bubbles had been tampered with. Rotor screamed “KILL!” on the second page. The word was hidden all throughout the story, normal vowels switched out with the cry to murder. I didn’t want to read this. I didn’t want to feel these things, to see these awful words shoved into the mouths of my favorite characters.

That second story ended prematurely. It’s as if the book was reading my thoughts, as if something was compelling the pages to change in my hand as I passed my fingers over them. But not for the better. For the second half of issue three had been replaced with yet another story.  The back half of issue 47, the start of “Endgame.” The death of Princess Sally. But what was already a sad story had been made more disturbing. Now, every characters’ eyes ran red with blood. Their tears were even blood, spots of red dotting their faces. Bunnie, Antoine, and Rotor seemed tormented by something even bigger then the death of their friend. Their agony became my own, a terrible feeling rising inside of me as I read through the comic.

Enough was enough. I didn’t know where it came from but I sure as hell didn’t want it in my house anymore. I slammed the comic shut, ran across the room, and threw it in the trashcan. Tomorrow, I was going back to the comic shop. I was going to give the clerk an earful, ask him why the hell he was selling photoshopped comics. I was freaked out by it but I couldn’t imagine what a kid would think, an innocent picking that up, expecting a friendly kid’s comic but seeing this weirdness instead.

I went straight to bed. The whole ordeal had exhausted me. I was tired enough that I went right out. Yet my sleep was haunted by the most horrible images. Terrible spectres emerging from my bedroom wall, starring down at me with clasping bone jaws. A runny, crimson liquid ran from their sockets. Like the blood in the comic. As the dream went on, the faces changed, morphing into the cartoon likenesses of Sonic and his friends. Their faces twisted in pain, in torment. They could not beg for an end to their infinite suffering. Instead, they could only scream out one word, prolonged by the pain. “KILL,” I heard them scream. “KILL!” Sonic and Bunnie and Rotor said again. Kill them, I realized. End the agony that they couldn’t escape from themselves.

When I awoke, my skin was damp with sweat. I tried to rationalize. That the dumb prank had just spooked me. That the dream came from my own mixed up brain and not from some outside force, not from some evil dwelling in that dreadful book. I knew what I had to do. I retrieved the comic from the trash, Sonic’s smirk on the cover seeming to mock me. To relish in the pain it had caused me. I jumped in my car and drove back to the comic shop. At the very least, the shop owner would give me my money back.

And that was when the weirdest thing of all happened. As I drove downtown, I looked all around the road where the shop had been yesterday. I passed the pharmacy over and over again, baffled by the empty lot next to it. Finally, I parked my car and decided to investigate on foot. There was no way the comic shop could’ve been knocked down overnight. There was no debris, no sign that a building had been there yesterday. It was gone, as if it had never been there in the first place. Holding the cursed comic book in my hand, that was when the memory of the day before came rushing back to me. The reason why the man behind the counter had looked so familiar. It was a face I knew, someone I had seen before. For the man that sold me the horrible comic was… was…

DO-IT-YOURSELF SONIC

In the early years of Archie’s “Sonic the Hedgehog” comic, they would frequently encourage interaction with the reader. One issue presented multiple choices to a question, fans asked to pick the best answer. Stories written by Mike Gallagher that introduced new characters or concepts would often end with those characters directly asking if the readers wanted to see more of them. I can remember one future issue that left a magic spell blank, readers encouraged to think up their own. The only remnant of this “Hey readers, here’s a treat!” attitude is the fan art and fan letter columns that still appear in the book to this day. (Though the fan art sometimes gets the axe.)

Probably the most gratuitous use of this came in Issue 14. Sandwiched between two actually pretty good stories is a three-pager showing Sonic and Tails encountering Robotnik’s robotic whale. The main gimmick is that the story has no dialogue. The idea was readers would fill in the word bubbles, send them into Archie, and the best ones would win prizes. The winners would eventually appear in Issue 23, the lucky few winning subscriptions or signed artwork. The idea mostly strikes me as lazy page filler and, yeah, pretty much. However, we here at “Hedgehogs Can’t Swim” aren’t above lazy filler sometimes. Naturally, I couldn’t resist myself and had to make my own wildly inappropriate version of “Do-It-Yourself Sonic.” If this comes off as overly crude or obnoxious, I apologize. It’s all meant in good humor.

I present to you “Thank God the Internet Hasn’t Been Invented Yet,” my twenty-five years too late entry into the contest. For some reason, I suspect this would have been swiftly rejected by Archie’s staff. Embiggen to appreciate and probably download too, as I sure-as-fuck packed those word balloons with as much verbiage as possible.

Sonic (2013) - Fan-Made Short Film

As someone who is both a film nerd, an amateur screenwriter, and obsessed with “Sonic the Hedgehog,” the idea of taking a whack at a feature version of the long-running series has occurred to me. Like the “Darkstalkers” screenplay I actually wrote once, the fact that it would be nothing but glorified fan-fiction didn’t really stop ideas from spin-dashing around in my head. Further more, the idea for a “Sonic” feature film I had was strictly my dream “Sonic” film, done totally in traditional animation, featuring the SatAM supporting characters, a dark and intimidating Robotnik, a Snivley with a toupee, and a narrowed focus on a theme of free choice vs. conformity, chaos vs. order, and a bunch of other high-faluting stuff that arguably doesn’t belong in a movie about a blue hedgehog that runs really, really fast. (For the curious, the end would feature a brief cameo from Bunny while I had planned on saving Metal Sonic, the Death Egg, Knuckles, and the Floating Island for possible sequels. And Brian Cox was my dream-cast pick to voice Robotnik.) Alas, I’ve never really put any serious work into this and decided that focusing my limited time and creative energies on original material was probably for the best. Also because actually sitting down and writing a “Sonic” screenplay was maybe stooping to a level of nerdery even I was uncomfortable with.

Obviously, that didn’t stop the people at Blue Core Studios, who previously displayed their massive, intricate nerd kung-fu by making elaborate fan films based on “Street Fighter” and, perhaps most impressively, a feature-length “Mega Man” movie. Either my “Sonic”-nerd card is dwindling or I just don’t spend a lot of time in the “fan films based off of video games” parts of the internet, as I had never heard of their “Sonic” fan film, titled just “Sonic” dropping “The Hedgehog” for some reason, until tonight. I immediately sat down to watch it.

The short review?: Nice try. I’ve got no problem heaping vitroal on big-budget studio movies but, when it comes to fan films like this, made for a few scrapped-together thousand dollars, created and operated by passionate fans, I feel the need to both limit my expectations and be nice.

What I like the most about “Sonic” is how it combines the countless continuities into a mostly cohesive whole. Set on Mobius, primarily located in a very New York looking Station Square, we are neatly given the information that on near-by South Island there’s a race of humanoid animals… At least, there was until very recently, when mad scientist and would-be world conqueror Dr. Robotnik (formally Julian Kintobor) massacred the populace as the first step in his bid for world domination. World building comprises the first seven minutes of this 18-minute short while the latter half focuses on a team of G.U.N. soldiers dropping into the island, being attacked by the doctor’s robots, before being rescued by Sonic, who very quickly establishes himself as the ever-present thorn in the villain’s side. From a writing perspective, I can’t really besmirch the script too much. I could honestly see this working fairly well as the set-up for a big budget studio Sonic film. From a fanboy perspective, I don’t have too many complaints with it. At first I was worried, with the fleets of Egg Carriers, Gamma series shock-troops, and setting of Station Square, this would primarily be an adaptation of the “Adventure” series. But there are plenty of references to the original game continuity as well as the important cartoon series, the most obvious of which is getting Jaleel White back as the voice of the titular hero.

The majority of the aesthetic complaints I have with the film are results of its tiny budget. The CGI is home-made and about the level of a Syfy Channel Original. While the big stuff, like flying warships and robots and cartoon hedgehogs, are forgivable, the explosion and gun muzzle effects right out of AfterEffects are less so and noticeably distracting.

The guy playing Robotnik, DJ Hazard, seems to have had some formal training and actually does a decent job. (Though billowing rage at the end is slightly unconvincing.) Honestly, he makes me think that Robotnik would come off as an evil(ier) Jesse Ventura in real life. I wasn’t immediately convinced by White’s return to the character. He noticeably, obviously, sounds older. At first, the decision to keep Sonic’s dialogue as early-‘90s cowabunga kitsch is jarring but White actually manages to make it work somehow. Sonic is so cool that he doesn’t care if he sounds like a 1991 ad exec’s idea of what the kids are in to. Which is one hundred percent correct, truthfully. That could just be the hopeless nostalgic in me. White’s appearance is the project’s sole grasp at legitimacy. Urkel has maybe five minutes of dialogue in the whole thing, and considering the Sonic fandom is pretty much the only place Jaleel is still relevant, we should probably be less impressed by his participation.

The rest of the cast is a bigger problem. The G.U.N. team, besides flopping around in unconvincing costumes, have to get their mouths around some pretty awkward dialogue. The fact that they can’t make it work us probably equally the fault of the screenwriter as it is the performers. The supporting cast being peppered with internet nerd personalities like the Angry Video Game Nerd, the Nostalgia Critic, and one of the ScrewAttack guys seems like a some-what desperate appeal to the internet nerd audience. The popularity of James Rolfe and Doug Walker’s online creations obviously doesn’t have much to do with their acting ability.

Supposedly, the primary goal behind this fan-film was proving that Sonic could work in a live-action setting. While the movie impresses in some ways, I can’t help but feel that it proves why Sonic wouldn’t work in live action. It’s not just the lack of money that makes Sonic’s appearance among live actors jarring. They might be slightly goofy looking but E-series units, the Buzz Bombers, and Motobugs are still buyable as robotic creations moving among the living. But a four-foot tall blue hedgehog that runs faster then the speed of sound and destroys enemies by rolling into a ball and smashing into them? Suspension of belief strains, even in a blatant science fiction setting. I mean, an anthromorphized hedgehog? Maybe. One that wears white gloves and red tennis shoes? Nope. The POV shots of rushing trees are far more appropriate. To a lesser degree, Robotnik’s red and yellow outfit looks silly in real life too.

The movie also gives us a look into the sensibilities that a big budget live action “Sonic” movie would have to grapple with. CGI Sonic is reduced to supporting character against the human characters, not unlike a certain adaptation of an eighties giant robot cartoon that will go unnamed. The South Islander animals are clearly treated as a racial minority by the humans, recalling “X-Men” and numerous other franchises. Robotnik’s genocide seems partially motivated by this. The script stops just short of repurposing “I Hate That Hedgehog” as a racial slur. (Though that would have been awesome.) It’s clear the Blue Core Studios guys’ hearts are in the right place but it’s still obvious to me that, in the unlikely case that a theatrical “Sonic” feature is made, it should be a cartoon.

It’s cool. Sure, it’s cool. I’m too big of a nerd not to think it’s at least kind of cool. I would obviously watch the sequel the ending sets up. It could have been a lot worse. I have to admire the conviction and work that went into this. But I doubt any studio exec got a look at this and immediately scooped up the rights from SEGA and got these guys on the phone. Like all Sonic-fan products, only Sonic nerds will enjoy and everyone else will shake their heads and roll their eyes. [6/10]