Knuckles, Episode 1.05: Reno, Baby

Knuckles, Episode 1.05: Reno, Baby

Original Release Date: April 26th, 2024

As the title of the fifth episode of "Knuckles" indicates, Wade Whipple and his echidna pal have finally arrived in Reno for the bowling tournament. Wade's estranged father, "Pistol" Pete, is also there. The buffoonish deputy sees this as a chance to finally patch things up with dear old dad. After an assist from Knuckles doesn't go well, Wade seemingly does successfully reconnect with his father.... Despite his mother's warning that Pistol Pete only ever breaks people's hearts. Meanwhile, Agent Mason and Willoughby are dragged before the Buyer, who reveals himself as a former G.U.N. agent and a protegee of Robotnik's. He gives them another chance to bring Knuckles to him, sending the duo into their most villainous scheme yet. 

From the minute reactions to the "Knuckles" show started to appear, there was a reoccurring criticism: That Knuckles was barely in the show that bore his name. This is something that the Paramount's "Sonic" movies have flirted with before, pushing the CGI super-animals aside in favor of the continuing adventures of Tom Wachowski and his fam. At least the movies didn't totally do that, understanding Sonic and his friends are still the main attractions. (Even if the flesh bags took up far more screen time than most would like.) As I've watched my way through "Knuckles," Wade's story has definitely been the primary narrative... But at least Knuckles was still there. He's in a box for most of episode two but he's still there. Episode four barely featured the echidna but his backstory still took up a big chunk. I have a lot of valid criticism for "The Flames of Disaster" but having Wade flail around in a Knuckles costume was a clever way to keep the show centered on the echidna while saving money on expensive, computer generated effects. 

But episode five? Yeah, episode five barely features Knuckles at all. You can feel the writers struggling to involve the brawny monotreme here. He does a Cyrano de Bergerac thing with Wade, feeding honorable warrior lingo into his ear while he confronts his dad. Otherwise, Knuckles spends almost the entire episode chilling up in their hotel room. He rides into Reno on a motorcycle at the beginning, cracks a few lines about margaritas, and then steps into an elevator while wearing a hat at the end. It's frustrating, ya know? We were promised Knuckles the Echidna, kicking ass and taking names. Instead, we got a doughy nerd working through his Daddy issues. Not optimal! 

One feels that this Wade-heavy focus had to have been a budgetary decision, right? Or some hugely misguided attempt to attract non-"Sonic" fans to the show. Because, truly, can anyone say that they are invested in Wade being sad about his bad dad? Ya know, I can feel credited writer Brian Schacter trying. When Wade and his dad finally sit at the hotel bar, they have a surprisingly sincere conversation. There's almost no distracting jokes in this scene. Even the ridiculous running gag of Wade's "jammerz" mix tapes sets up something like a genuine moment. The scene where Wade's mom talks to him in a hallway, reminding her son that his father is good at making people like him and bad at actually sticking around, is... Effective drama?! It's certainly the first time I've felt Adam Pally actually doing any acting, instead of just mugging furiously. I probably shouldn't be surprised that Stockard Channing has wound up doing most of the emotional heavy lifting for this show. She's a fucking pro, so of course she brings her best, even to a silly children's TV show about a video game character. 

Wade rebuffs his mom, assuring her that she might feel negatively about his father but he wants this man in his life. A better series could have built some actual pathos out of this. Arrested man-child that he is, Wade Whipple is still waiting for Daddy to come home. He's ready to pick up where they left off, even though decades have passed and he's ostensibly grown up. This could've played like sad, inevitable tragedy. Because of course Pistol Pete is still a bastard. The moment he seems to start opening up and sincerely apologizing to his son, you can feel the weight of the anvil about to fall. Pete will let Wade down. Pete will make Wade hurt. Ya know, I've known middle-aged dudes that have never gotten over their dads walking out on them. Who have sought out father figures their whole lives, who have never given up hope that this hole in their heart might someday be filled. It's a sad, all-too-common tragedy. If this story arc could've tapped into just a smidge of that, maybe this could've been something...

Unfortunately, Wade Whipple is a shallow, ridiculous character that the audience tolerates more than they like. Pistol Pete, played by character actor extraordinaire Cary Elwes, is also a very silly character. He affects a British accent and clads himself in the Union Jack, even though he doesn't actually appear to be English. The whole time Pete and Wade are talking, I was waiting for him to do something asshole-ish. Throughout the whole episode, I kept waiting for Wade's dad to show his true colors again. Instead of feeling any suspense from this, I just got more and more annoyed. Kind of like the show was stretching out the inevitable reveal. Good screenwriting creates tension with the anticipation of events the audience imagines coming. Mediocre screenwriting makes me impatient. 

All of this results in an episode that is weirdly light on jokes. Maybe after the last one, the showrunners felt they had pushed it a bit too far. I'm picturing Jeff Fowler calling someone up in the middle of the night just to say "Dial it back for the next one, guys." Yet there's definitely some tonal whiplash here. The jokes that are present are weak. Rob Huebel and Paul Scheer are brought in as two passive-aggressive sports commentators, spouting backhanded compliments towards the bowling tournament. (One of the better jokes: They are broadcasting for ESPN Eight.) Wanda Whipple continues to establish her status as the most irritating character on this show. I gotta tell you, "Knuckles" writer's room: Wanda dripping commonplace FBI jargon and her own made-up slang into casual conversation is not a good joke! There's a really lame bit where Knuckles is mistaken for a mascot by someone dressed as what I believe is a Herpes sore. These gags would not be the best in any episode of this show but, in a weirdly maudlin one like this, they feel really limp. 

Despite the overwhelming focus on the ill-fated father/son bonding, "Reno, Baby" does move the actual plot forward. Five episodes into "Knuckles," one from the end, the show finally gets around to properly introducing its principal antagonist. He's still only known as The Buyer but he gets to do more than just bark orders at Mason and Willoughby. There's a cool moment where he blowtorches one of the egg-shaped Badniks in half. Rory McCann is intimidatingly burly in the part, I guess. 

This guy's connection to Robotnik and the lack of a real name makes me wonder if, at some point in "Knuckles" development, he wasn't going to be Snively or Grimer. Or Dr. Starline or, I don't know, Bokkun. Something like that. But Sega said no. The character feels like he's setting up an Easter egg, because would they be keeping his real name a mystery otherwise? As it is now, it's weird that the villain for this show is just Diet Eggman, Carrey Robotnik Without the Jokes. Are we sure they didn't want Agent Stone for this part but Lee Majdoub had some prior obligation? That would've forged a much stronger connection to the films and generally felt a lot less weird. But, ya know, actually developing this guy more before the penultimate half-hour of the series also would've been a lot less weird. If Knuckles smashes the Buyer's head open next episode and Metal Sonic flies out, I'll take back everything I said here. Until then, this entire development will continue to strike me as half-formed. 

Ya know, I can't decide if it would've been better or worse for "Knuckles," and the cinematic "Sonic" universe in general, to continue cooking up these original players nobody cares about or to make them into half-assed adaptations of established characters. Obviously, there is a precedence in the "Sonic" franchise for Robotnik to have two incompetent henchmen. Would I like Mason and Willoughby more if, in the last episode, their brains got sucked out of their bodies and put into robots shaped like a cube and an orb? If they somehow got turned into a robot chicken and a mini Moguera? Or would that just make them in-name-only takes on long-time "Sonic" characters? I mean, I hate it when comic book movies do that shit. I suppose making two forgettable secret agents is the preferable option. Even if this show really could've used some more throwbacks to established Sega lore. Either way, I do agree with Willoughby's line here about how it was irresponsible for G.U.N. to let Sonic just run around Montana when his cast-off quills have untested destructive capabilities. That does seem like it could cause some problems.

Anyway, are you ready for some bowling? Cause you're gonna get some fucking bowling. It feels like a cruel joke that an adaptation of a character whose life revolves around giant magical rocks, a floating island, and regular world-threatening crises would instead focusing so much time on a sport most known as a favorite pastime of slovenly, cartoon sitcom dads but... Well, here we are. "Reno, Baby" has a lengthy montage of Wade and his dad rising up the ranks of the tournament, full of flashy split screen effects and set to the "Scarface" theme song. I guess there are jokes here, in the form of punny bowling team names and people wearing goofy outfits. Or maybe the joke is that everyone is treating bowling – not exactly the most prestigious of sports – like it's that big of a deal. I just can't escape this feeling that it's weird that so much of the "Knuckles" show is about goddamn bowling! If Wade screams "Who do you think you are I AM!" after making the winning roll, maybe I'll get over that. Otherwise, I think I'll continue to be baffled by the creative choices made here. 

I sound like a broken record here but... Why couldn't the "Sonic" films be entirely animated and focus totally on the furries? At the very least, why couldn't a "Knuckles" streaming series be a prequel set on Sonic's home world? Would that not attract eyeballs to Paramount+? I know, I'm failing horribly at my stated goal of judging this show for what it is and not for what it could've been. For the most part, "Reno, Baby" – while not being the most wretched thing in the universe – left me feeling discouraged and depressed. Especially since it ends in a very downbeat place. Obviously, Wade and Knuckles will work it out and everything will be okay. Yet I left this episode disliking Whipple and the show he's inexplicably the star of more than ever before. Maybe they'll stick the landing? I guess we'll find out soon enough... [5/10]

Knuckles, Episode 1.04: The Flames of Disaster

Knuckles, Episode 1.04: The Flames of Disaster

Original Release Date: April 26th, 2024

Thanks to social media, it's difficult not to have some aspects of a new show, movie, video game, or comic book spoiled for you before you consume it. For folks like me, who tend to take their time catching up with new media, it's not unusual to have all the surprises ruined before I actually watch something myself. I'm just used to this now. I haven't had everything about the “Knuckles” show revealed to me, not yet anyway. However, I have gleamed a few things from people's reactions and discussions. Namely: Episode four seems to be the most divisive installment of the entire series, making or breaking the program for quite a few people. I guess it's time for me to reflect on this one myself. 

"The Flames of Disaster" begins with Wade Whipple awakening in his childhood bedroom, his mom's house still in shambles from the brawl the night before. As he steps outside, he's caught in a snare and dragged down the streets by a motorcycle. His former friend and bowling buddy Jack Sinclair: Bounty Hunter has tracked him down. Wade is shoved into an electrified cage, dragged behind Jack's limo on the way to Reno. Knuckles says that Wade should learn to fight his own battles, ya know? That's when the deputy meditates himself onto the spectral plane, where he encounters the spirit of Pachacamac, re-enacts Knuckles' origin story via a rock opera musical number, and learns that a true warrior's strength comes from within. 

Episode four makes something clear about the "Knuckles" series that I probably should have realized a lot sooner. The writers and creative staff clearly had few actual ideas for what kind of story they could tell with these characters. That's baffling to me. The "Sonic" franchise is full of scenarios and premises to pull from. Even if you focus solely on the video games – excluding the many, many cartoons and comic books due to whatever legal issues might be involved – there's still hundreds of things you could have done with a "Knuckles" series. Even limiting the setting to Earth and insisting that Wade Whipple be a secondary protagonist doesn't necessarily mean there isn't a wealth of material to pick inspiration from. But maybe that's the attitude of a life-long "Sonic" fan and not an experienced Hollywood screenwriter or big shot studio executive. Maybe they just see "Sonic" and its related elements as this wacky Japanese thing. I would hope that, thirty-three years into this series' existence, we'd have moved past the knee-jerk reaction of "Oh, a blue hedgehog that runs fast and fights robots? That's so raaaaandom!" I'd hope people could see Sonic and his massive supporting cast as actual characters, with personalities and complexities, that inhabit a world full of mythology and history. But I guess not. 

I say this because "The Flames of Disaster" seems to suggest a specific attitude. That attitude being: "There's nothing else we can do with this weird, dumb thing other than just go for maximum wackiness!" "A red echidna that punches things is such a weiiiiiird idea, that we just have to be as kooky as we can to sell it at all!" I've said before that, for a decade or more, "Sonic's" cultural impact was treated as a joke. A relic of nineties nostalgia that produced a rabid internet fan base of hardcore furries and autistic giga-nerds, baffling the majority of people. I had really hoped people had moved past that. The comics and recent games have gone for an approach of overall sincerity, without losing sight of the series' sense of humor. And even if the movies focused more on quibby comedy than I definitely would have, I got that impression from them as well.

"Knuckles," however, seems fatally poisoned by irony. At the very least, episode four certainly is. Any serious development the characters undergo has to be followed up with a sight gag or joke. No actual emotional resonance is ever allowed to build, because every second must be devoted to making the viewer chuckle. Wade Whipple must always be the butt of the joke, slinging doofy dialogue at every opportunity. Everyone must always be cracking wise or acting like a lunatic, in order to produce laughter. In this light, devoting a chunk of an episode to an eighties inspired rock opera, filled with intentionally lo-fi and campy special effects, is a logical decision. Why not? Nobody is going to take this ridiculous thing seriously anyway! 

Inserting a musical number into an otherwise non-musical comedy is, truth be told, a gag that reliably wins me over. "Barbie" created one of the best mainstream cinematic moments of last year with such a scene. "Billy Madison" is an all-timer. Yet "Knuckles" doing the same reeks of desperation. It doesn't compliment or emphasize any themes or ideas the story might have. It takes its place. You can see this in the climatic Flames of Disaster sequence, which explains the origins of Knuckles' superpowers. Knuckles defeats the demon Iblis and takes his power for his own by summoning up an inner strength and fighting with a pure heart. It's a corny concept but you gotta believe in this shit, or else your story is going to ring as totally emotionally hollow. Instead, typically, the show treats it as an ironic, campy joke. A little neon heart is placed over Wade's heart at this moment, the series saying "Oh, the hero fighting from the bottom of his heart, we know that's such a silly cliché, but we are using it anyway." Doing something you think is dumb, while rolling your eyes and acknowledging to the audience that you think it's dumb, doesn't make it any less dumb! It just makes you look like an insincere asshole!

Part of what made the "I'm Just Ken" scene work is, no matter how wacky the rest of the "Barbie" movie got, it had many moments of genuine sincerity. There was a legitimate investment in the story's characters, in its heart. When every person in "Knuckles" is a shrieking, shrill goofball, it's hard for any oversized gag to breathe. I'm talking about Jack Sinclair now, a character that screams to the heavens with jokey elements every minute he's own screen. He doesn't remember people's name! He likes karaoke! He lost all his money in a lawsuit against the Rainforest Café, a bit he literally screams towards the heavens. He has an over-inflated ego! He covers himself in macho signifiers – sporting an aesthetics that is part biker, part Crocodile Dundee, part Highlander – while being devoted to a mundane hobby like bowling! Since little Susie is now Jack's bowling partner, the implicit idea is that this is a hobby for children, that this grown-ass man is waaaay too excited about. Of course, the minute he's defeated, his hyper-masculine exterior crumbles and he's revealed to be a preening wimp. 

I said this last time, in reference to Wade's sister being an even bigger lunatic than him. You can't populate your entire show with Cloud Cuckoolanders. If every character is going to be Kramer/Cliff/Reverend Jim/Dwight/Urkel, the comedic potential of that personality is a lot less effective. Yet I guess the "Knuckles" showrunner didn't get that memo. And so, we have Jim Sinclair challenging Wade to a katana motorcycle joust, minutes after Wade got shocked by an electrified cage over and over again and had to pay off a little kid to use his bike. I suppose this is a big problem when you decide that a goofy, comic relief side character from the movies is going to be the protagonist of your spin-off streaming series. Maybe that's why a character as wafer thin as Wade Whipple probably shouldn't have been elevated to this prominent of a role! 

We're four episodes deep into this show, with only two left to go. I need to get accustomed to this being The Wade Whipple Show And Knuckles. Yet, really, this character had no business being the star of this program. "The Flames of Disaster" is a pivotal moment in Wade's character development. His experience on the astral plane – which takes the form of a bowling alley, because this show is undyingly committed to that bit – change him for life. Wade is a warrior now. He was a boy, now he's a man. "The Flames of Disaster" packs the entire Hero's Journey into one montage. This is, unsurprisingly, not satisfying to watch. Wade goes from being a total clown to Shoryuken-ing his way out of Jim's cage. Of course, Wade remains a giggly goofy goober after this transformation, because you can't have a duo with two straight men. Jokes are still cracked about his incompetence. Instead of Knuckles gradually molding Wade into a warrior, he magically becomes an action hero – except when the show needs an easy joke – over the course of a handful of scenes. To writers James Madejski and Jorma Taccone, I say: You're not supposed to do it that way, man. 

What makes this all the more frustrating is that.. I think there are moments in this episode that are actually pretty good. When Wade meets Pachacamac, he repeatedly stumbles over the echidna's name. Even though he in no way resembles the game namesake, I do think having Pachacamac as this show's Obi Wan, but doing things like putting on a bowling shirt, isn't a bad gag. Christopher Lloyd is perfectly deadpan during this scene because – despite having previously played one of the wacky characters I referenced above – he actually understands comedy. A small crowd of normal people standing back and watching Wade and Jim's duel is a decent sight gag. I'm not even going to deny that the visual of Wade, clad in a bathrobe and pajamas, swinging a sword around isn't without comedic potential. 

And, yes, okay, we've got to talk about the musical number. It sees Wade acting out Knuckles' previously unseen origin story, inside the bowling alley. To match this mundane setting, the fantastical elements of this story are brought to life with intentionally crude puppetry and costumes. Wade wears a ratty Knuckles suit. Dancers portraying the owls sway around in community theater get-ups. The special stages and Green Hill Zone's elements from the game are brought to life as papier-mache creations. Stagehands dressed, in black morph suits, are visible moving the puppets and props. Iblis – referred to only as the Fire Demon but that's who he is – appears as an elaborate marionette. Is it just me or is this actually kind of cool? I know it's all a big, dumb joke. That everything looks less than realistic is part of the hyper-ironic gag. "We know it looks shitty and dumb! That's part of the joke, tee-hee." But I actually see a lot of charm in home-made, lo-fi effects such as these. 

The musical component is similarly flippant. Jim Sinclair sings most of the lyrics, while wearing a silly owl costume and swinging a keytar around. His vocals are over-the-top in their verbosity, backed up by hard rock power cords and glowing synth. Michael Bolton – the latest stopover on the in-on-the-joke portion of his career, that previously included appearances alongside the Lonely Island and Teen Titans Go – appears as Knuckles' singing voice. Iblis stops to name-check Facebook Marketplace, the second time the site is mentioned in this episode, as part of the aggravating self-aware product placement running gag. It's all very intentionally cheesy, haha-look-at-how-stupid-this-is postmodern in its tone. Everybody mugs through it and there's a lot of crude humor in the lyrics. Yet the song is still kind of a banger. I like stupid comedy music. I'm not immune to whatever charms this might have. 

The team behind the live action "Sonic" franchise has been reluctant to actually detail the lore around these characters they're building in any form. We knew about some sort of lingering animosity between the echidnas and the giant owls on Sonic's world, though there's been a stubborn refusal to actually expound on that too much. We still didn't know where Sonic and Knuckles' superpowers came from. Now, thanks to this musical number, we know that Knuckles' electric superpowers come from beating Iblis in combat. Does this mean that Sonic gained his similar abilities from also defeating some sort of eldritch abomination? Chaos, perhaps? Even though he was shown as having his superspeed as a baby?! I don't know, these shows and movies will get around to explaining that eventually. Or they won't, because they are making it up as they go along. Still, it's nice to have some of these tidbits and that they connect in some way to established game lore. (Though Knuckles' origins being rooted in "Sonic '06" – instead of, you know, the games he first actually appeared in – certainly isn't a decision I would've made.) 

Also, we now know Knuckles had a dad that died right in front of his eyes. He appears as a guy in a fursuit and then a felt hand puppet, which made me laugh. Some folks are saying that the glasses and mustache makes Knuckles' Dad look like Ken Penders. I'm guessing that's a coincidence. Come on, my dad wears glasses and has a mustache. All dads look like that. Anyway, "The Shabbat Dinner," no matter how aggressively wacky and bizarre it got, had a molecule of actual heart. That made it more than just a long gag. "The Flames of Disaster" sees the "Knuckles" show being totally consumed by the Flames of Irony and Hacky Comedy. I didn't totally hate it. It has some merits. But I'm beginning to feel like this entire enterprise might have been ill-conceived. [6/10]

Knuckles, Episode 1.03: The Shabbat Dinner

Knuckles, Episode 1.03: The Shabbat Dinner

Original Release Date: April 26th, 2024

The third episode of Paramount+'s “Knuckles” series takes the narrative in some interesting directions. As fugitives wanted by the law now, Knuckles and Wade hide out in the last place anyone would expect to look: His mom's house, where his sister – an FBI agent – happens to be at this moment. Don't worry about that though, as Wade's mom, Wendy, has prepared a Shabbat dinner for her and her children. Shocked by the four foot tall, talking echidna at first, Wendy soon accepts Knuckles as a friend of the family. While Wade and Wanda resume their lifelong habit of bickering, Wendy informs Knuckles about various Jewish culture and personal family traditions. The evening is interrupted when a group of bounty hunters, after the price on Wade's head, burst into the house. 

For those who might be reading this review in the future, let me inform you that, as of May of 2024, there is conflict in the Middle East. On the surface, “The Shabbat Dinner” might seem like a totally harmless – if deeply unexpected – attempt to educate the gentiles about Jewish culture via a show about a CGI echidna punching things. And it is that. However, the timing of current events and a handful of lines here – glorifying the personal martial arts system of the Israeli Defense Force and references to Jewish folkloric beliefs as if they are literal history – creates an unfortunate undercurrent. I have Jewish blood on my mother's side. While I wasn't raised in the faith, I did grow up with many cultural traditions. I consider myself at least partially Jewish. I am, however, not a Zionist and in no way support Israel's current actions in Palestine. In fact, I'm rather offended that a country likes to believe they represent all Jewish people all over the world and that any objections to the state's actions are viewed as antisemitism by some people pushing a specific agenda. 

I can't believe a piece of “Sonic the Hedgehog” related media caused me to make this statement. I don't know if “The Shabbat Dinner” was created specifically to push a pro-Israel message. Or if the episode is the result of the surge of support that followed immediately after the October 6th attacks, before Israel started their most recent string of blowing up hospitals. Either way, the timing definitely gives what should've been a wacky piece of children's television an uncomfortable subtext. Wade's mom never outright says she's a die hard Zionist that never questions anything Israel's military would ever do... But it feels kind of implied, ya know? The people who like to say I read too much into everything, that “Sonic” is an inherently apolitical franchise, are probably rolling their eyes or furrowing their brows now. 

Putting all that aside, if indeed it is possible to put such things aside: I actually kind of liked this episode. Simply put, Knuckles getting a crash course in the Shabbat feast tradition is too bizarre of a concept for me not to have fun with. How exactly did the writers, producers, directors, and everyone else agree on this? All throughout these reviews, I've been asking “Why is a “Knuckles” show about these things?” “The Shabbat Dinner” is the first time where that question is being asked in a positive way. Knuckles discovers matzo ball soup, gefilte fish, and challah bread. He is taught some of the symbolic roles candles play in Jewish ritual. He learns a tiny bit about Judaism history. It's a combination of two things that have nothing in common and little reason to be interacting. Yet such an unexpected mash-up becomes hilarious by its mere existence. 

If we take “Knuckles” as a fish-out-of-water comedy, why not have the echidna stumbling into a culture he knows absolutely nothing about? Certainly, there is comedy to be derived from the proud warrior reacting to Jewish cuisine and traditions. Idris Elba does a good job of deadpanning reactions to these things. Wendy's line about how Knuckles is “basically Jewish” is pretty funny! Stockard Channing definitely does everything she can to inhabit this part with comedic zest and, yes, even a degree of sincerity. It's not as if this is the first time someone has drawn parallels between Knuckles' status as the last of his kind and the modern Jewish condition. Arguably, what's done here is a lot more tasteful than Ken Penders' half-assed invoking of the Lost Tribe of Israel, the Moses story, and the Final Solution. 

It is possible, as I often do, that I am overthinking things. Maybe Knuckles falling into the lap of a Jewish family was picked simply because it allows the use of a much older, hackier comedic device. “The Shabbat Dinner” invokes that much-loved trope of a guilting Jewish mother and siblings bickering around the dinner table. As a man with a Jewish mother and an older sister, I'm not going to say that these stereotypes are without any validity. I'd even go so far as to say that some of these jokes are decent. Such as Wade's mom pronouncing Knuckles' name with a heavy Yiddish “ch” sound. If nothing else, the scene where Wendy picks at her kids about never coming home for dinner is, ya know, relatable. You don't have to be a Jew to be familiar with that.

The problem, obviously, is whether using any of these old clichés is funny. I think family squabbling is one of the richest sources of comedy any writer can mine. However, Wade Whipple is a character whose every attribute is exaggerated to its most childish level. In order to make his sister Wanda an equal opponent, she too must be an very broad person. This means we get long, shrill scenes of these two arguing about their credentials as law enforcement officers and whether they know anyone at G.U.N. The script seems to think Wanda using a lot of abbreviations, whole constantly having a puffy and egotistical attitude, is the height of hilarity. I, of one, do not agree. Edi Patterson is, unfortunately, quite irritating in the part. Wanda could've been a snobby older sister that lords her success over her younger brother without turning her into another whiny, gasping, human cartoon. I mean, she stabs Wade with a fucking fork! Deep enough that it sticks out of his shoulder! That's not normal human behavior. These two are lunatics.

Coming from such a deeply dysfunctional family does explain some things about Wade being the person he is. "The Shabbat Dinner" really leans into the idea of Whipple being an emotionally stunted man-child. After his sister stabs him, he hides in his childhood bedroom, crying on his bed in the fetal position. His walls are covered with movie posters of films he enjoyed as a kid. Such as classic nineties dude-bro comedies like "Wayne's World," "Beavis and Butthead Do America," and "The Big Lebowski." In particular, he seems fascinated with hyper-masculine action heroes like Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Keanu Reeves. (Which might make any interaction Wade has with Shadow in the next movie interesting...) Wade puts his own dad up on this same pedestal. His father even has an action hero worthy name: Pistol Pete, a moniker he earned as a bowling champ. 

This speaks a lot to Wade's arrested development. Wade is a wimpy goofball who wants to be a warrior. One of the posters in his room is "The Karate Kid Part II." Wade sees himself as Daniel LaRusso, who just needs the right mentor to mold him into a hero. Yet Wade is clearly not a person with a lot of self-awareness. Another poster on his wall is "RoboCop," one of the great eighties action movies that is also a pitch-perfect parody of the authoritarianism of both American action films and American law enforcement. And Wade grew up to be a cop, so he clearly didn't get the point. In fact, anybody living in this day and age would surely recognize John Rambo, and the many similar characters that followed in his path, as campy figures of Reagan-era reactionism. Arnold and Sly are exaggerated fantasy forms, not to be sincerely imitated. If Wade doesn't understand that – and puts his own absentee daddy on that same level – then he really does have the emotional maturity of a little boy. 

That's not the only hint we have as Wade Whipple's neuroses. He still has "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" sheets on his bed. That was probably just chosen because, like a lot of the aforementioned movies, it's another Paramount property. Yet it also shows what a child Wade still is. He has also held onto a relic of a childhood crush: A cardboard standee of "American Gladiator" Zap, a blonde Amazon with bulging biceps. The cardboard is bent from repeated hugging – thank god the show kept that joke G-rated – and Wade clearly still holds a crush on this character. Not to get Freudian up in here but... Wade strives to be an action hero but his desires reveal that he basically still thinks of himself as a little kid, in need of a big strong woman to take care of him. He has a non-present dad and a smothering, picky mother. No wonder he grew up to have unobtainable ideas about masculinity and dream about a partner that'll take care of him and keep him safe. Am I saying Wade Whipple wants a dommy muscle mommy to cradle him and hold him close, presumably among other things? Yes. 100%. Fan artists, do what you have to. 

I love psychoanalyzing these dumb characters in these stupid shows! Anyway, the eighties action motif continues into the episode's big climax. One of the bounty hunters that sneak into the house wears a red bandana, a leather jacket, and wields a chain. Wanda even says he looks like a goon from an old movie. I got "Streets of Fury" vibes, personally. Anyway, these moments naturally escalate into big action set pieces. Like a chair being whipped in two or Knuckles punching a guy through a wall. This echidna fucking hates walls! The episode concludes with a pretty cool circular tracking shot of Knuckles and Wade's mom fighting off a bunch of baddies, in order to keep the Shabbat candles from being prematurely snuffed out. This scene is soundtracked to "Hava Nagila." While I've been pretty down on "Knuckles'" obvious, overly literal needle drops... This one is good. In fact, this whole sequence is great. Oh my God, what the fuck am I watching. This show is nuts. 

Needless to say, if "Knuckles" had loopy gags like that in every episode, I would like this show a whole lot more. Instead, this episode still features a lot of the sophomoric, sub-sitcom comedy that is all too common these days. Still, Zionist subtext and some stiff writing aside, "The Shabbat Dinner" is simply too bizarre an experience for me not to love it at least a little bit. I never thought my Jewishness and my "Sonic" fandom would ever cross paths like this. One last thing: Wendy and Knuckles watch "Pretty Woman" together and there's even a joke about the echidna taking the phrase "street walker" literally. Assuming they finished the movie, this means Knuckles probably now knows what prostitution is. Oy gevalt. Also, please donate to relief in Palestine. [7/10]

Knuckles, Episode 1.02: Don't Ever Say I Wasn't There For You

Knuckles, Episode 1.02: Don't Ever Say I Wasn't There For You

Original Release Date: April 26th, 2024

The first episode of “Knuckles” ended with the proud echidna warrior captured by rogue G.U.N. agents, Mason and Willoughby. They carry him off to an obscure ski resort in Montana and await the mysterious Buyer. Wade Whipple, armed only with the one energized gauntlet left behind, goes on a rescue mission. This does not exactly go swimmingly, Wade's tendency towards fucking everything up quickly undermining any attempt at stealth. Despite the deputy's incompetence, he does end up saving Knuckles and getting away... Though not without making himself a wanted fugitive. 

Early on in “Don't Ever Say I Wasn't There for You,” a flashback shows a younger Wade watching “Bad Boys.” This is not just one of the many overbearing pop culture references that Paramount's “Sonic” projects love to make. It's clearly a statement of purpose too. This show wants to follow the classic buddy cop formula that so many films and TV shows before have ridden to success. On the surface, “Knuckles” certainly resembles “Bad Boys” or “Lethal Weapon” a little. They are not as openly antagonistic towards each other as Riggs and Murtaugh were at first. Clearly, however, they will earn each other's respect and love by the end of this story. The classic buddy cop dynamic – of one loose cannon and one straight-laced, by-the-book guy – is sort of represented. Though Knux and Wade both fill these roles in their own ways at different times. 

No matter the differences and similarities “Knuckles” is showing to this well-worn set-up, it definitely has one thing in common with every buddy story made before. This show is at its best when its two dudes are interacting. Probably the best moment of “Don't Ever Say I Wasn't There for You” is when Wade and Knuckles sit down to have dinner outside a fast food joint. They bond over their mutual statuses as outcast, both having experienced betrayal and abandonment. It's a better moment of these two relating to each other than the similar scene in the first episode. Secondly, this show is simply just funnier when these two are interacting. Knuckles hot-wiring a car with his hand spikes, and Wade's reaction to it, definitely got the biggest laugh out of me this time. 

The showrunners are clearly aware that this is the meat of “Knuckles,” Wade and the echidna hanging out. Despite that, this episode still keeps them separated for most of their runtime. Without Knuckles' humorless literalism to play off, the audience is left with Adam Pally's solo shenanigans. A staggeringly long sequence is devoted to Wade imagining himself as a James Bond-like action hero, who effortlessly sneaks into the lodge, defeats the baddies, and rescues an incredibly appreciative Knuckles. Instead, he trips, falls, sets off all his supplies, alerting his presence to the agents. The focus on Wade's pratfalls do not stop there, as we also get a long sequence devoted to him getting dragged around by the rocket punch gauntlet he stole. 

I must emphasize that these sequence of broad physical comedy are dire. It's not that Adam Pally is an all-together unappealing comedic presence. A scene where he hides from Agent Mason, by placing his head next to a wrack of display hats, got me to chuckle a little bit. (Even if that joke is obviously inspired by a funnier moment in “Young Frankenstein.”) A moment shortly after that, where his fight with Mason is interrupted by a call from the agent's mom, isn't completely worthless either. Yet, when forced to react to computer-aided antics, all Pally can do is mug gratuitously. When combined with the extremely thin foundation of the character – a chubby, goofy guy who acts like an idiot man-child most of the time – the result is far more irritating than amusing. Again, the question is unavoidable: Why is this show about this character? 

I already know the answer to this question: Pally making funny faces in front of a green screen is a lot cheaper than animating Knuckles the Echidna. Yet a protagonist that is annoying more often than not isn't the only thing I'm unsure about with “Knuckles.” How do Agent Mason and Agent Willoughby stand up as antagonist? Well, Kid Cudi is a surprisingly compelling screen presence. There's not much of anything to Mason as a character. He seems to be a generic tough guy, in many ways. But at least he actor is visibly having fun. Ellie Taylor has a lot less to work with as Willoughby. She is stuck in the all-too-common role of the snarky woman who has to react to the dumb guys around her. Not the most inspired material and certainly not the most exciting of adversaries. 

Despite that, I suppose these two fill their roles. They are functional. That's the attitude I'm finding myself taking with “Knuckles.” This show is never going to be what I want it to be. Or even what it probably could be. The theatrical “Sonic” films managed to be entertaining despite a concerted effort to flatten the material out into bland slop. “Knuckles” is having a much harder time resisting these efforts. All the overbearing hallmarks of the films are even more noticeable when you shove them into a half-hour episode. The needle drops are always composed of overplayed pop standards that everyone knows. I like “Holding Out for a Hero” and “Rock Me Like a Hurricane” too. If you're going to use music that well known, that overexposed, it has to be really worth it. Sorry to say, a sequence of Wade buying stuff at a gas station or him and Knuckles head-banging are not going to become iconic moments. 

Easy – some might even say lazy – pop culture references like this represent a lack of effort, to really invest this story with the heart and soul of the creators. I feel the same way about the call-outs to movies and television. Like a random shout-outs to “E.T.,” “Mission: Impossible,” or Uma Thurman. Maybe try and write an actual joke, instead of trying to get the audience to laugh or nod in recognition at something someone else created... Am I being unreasonable here? Is all of that too much to respect from a TV show vaguely inspired by a video game? I don't know, man. Maybe it is.

It probably sounds like I'm being really negative here. I don't actually hate “Don't Ever Say I Wasn't There For You.” As mixed as my feelings toward Wade Whipple as an entity are, I do think he is slowly growing on me. Idris Elba continues to be amusing as Knuckles, even managing to turn a not-great bit about the echidna imagining crushing his enemies into a decent gag. If nothing else, I guess the show deserve some credit for not using the fast food scene as an excuse for more product placement. Knuckles and Wade eat at an establishment called Burger Shack. There is a small chain of restaurants in Virginia with this name. Considering this episode is set in Montana, I'm doubting that was an intentional reference and this was a generic name cooked up for the show. (Though the scene of them eating sure-as-shit has the Lays Potato Chips logo facing the camera for as long as possible.)

Oh, and speaking of names: The ski resort is called “Ice Cap,” the kind of half-hearted nod towards the classic Genesis games that I guess is going to be common here. The title sequence, set to Scandal's “The Warrior,” from the previous episode is reused here. The pencil-style animations of Knuckles and Wade having some adventures, some over his CD binder, is pretty cute. This makes way for the end credits, which are set to a bizarre theme song. With intentionally campy lyrics, I can't decide if I hate or love this just yet. Sadly, my feelings are not that ambiguous about the episode itself. “Don't Ever Say I Wasn't There For You” continues to display the strange decisions made around “Knuckles” as a series, the program continuing to be pulled between what it can do and what we actually want it to do. [5/10]

Knuckles, Episode 1.01: The Warrior

Knuckles, Episode 1.01: The Warrior

Original Release Date: April 26th, 2024

From his origins in the third “Sonic the Hedgehog” game, Knuckles the Echidna has always been defined as the last of his kind. This has presented difficulties when trying to create stories all about him. The classic games never much worried about, just sticking the echidna into whatever adventure everyone else was having. “Sonic Adventure” made the background of Knuckles' tribe part of the overarching story. Most modern stories center in on Knuckles' fixation on fulfilling his destiny as guardian of the Master Emerald. Ken Penders just said “fuck it” and introduced an entire city of echidnas. 

“What does it mean that Knuckles is the last of his kind” is surely a question screenwriters John Whittington and Toby Ascher must've asked when conceiving of the “Knuckles” streaming series. The movie version of “Sonic the Hedgehog 2” ejected most of the lore surrounding the character but did maintain his loner status. The solution the writers seem to have thought of is, if Knuckles is the last echidna, he must pass his culture onto someone else. Connecting various dots is probably how we got to the “Knuckles and Wade team-up” premise the show is seemingly built around.

Perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself. “The Warrior,” episode one of “Knuckles,” has the echidna struggling to square off his proud warrior ways with the more simple, suburban life he finds himself living in. After getting grounded by Maddie, he receives a vision from Pachacamac, the long gone chief of his people. The spirit tells Knuckles to teach his ways specifically to Wade Whippel. Wade is feeling down on himself after getting kicked out of his bowling club. He decides Knuckles' strength is what he needs to make it to the bowling tournament in Reno. Their road trip is interrupted by a pair of rogue G.U.N. agents, armed with weapons from a mysterious third party, who are determined to bring Knuckles in on their own.

By focusing in on the premise that Sonic and his buddies are essentially aliens from another world, trapped on Earth, the “Sonic” movie franchise have basically become fish-out-of-water comedies. Sonic has thoroughly absorbed himself in Earth pop culture. Tails is learning. Knuckles, meanwhile, is stuck in his ways as a proud warrior. This is where most of the jokes in this first episode come from. Maddie has a perfectly normal request for Knuckles. It results in him building a gladiator pit in their living room or forging a throne out of their car. Knuckles sees people remodeling the house and mistakes them for attackers. You get the idea. 

It's not the worst joke to play off of. I actually think the bit where Knuckles expects Ozzie, the family dog, to fight the mailman in mortal combat to be pretty funny. Yet it would probably get old as the basis of an entire series. This is where the buddy movie set-up comes into play. Sonic operated as the goofball loose cannon to Tom's straight man in the first movie. “Knuckles” looks to be trying a similar dynamic with different attributes. Knuckles is the straight man, in the sense that he takes everything extremely seriously and at face value. Wade is a big clown, mocked by little girls and the business card of his bounty hunter friend. You get sequences built around Knuckles taking classic hip-hop songs literally or overestimating Wade's strength. Set-ups like these are worthy of a chuckle or two but it remains to be seen if the show can ride this further.

This presents a different question: What of Wade Whipple? The live action “Sonic” movies have always struggled with this idea that they have to justify human characters being in these stories. Otherwise, it would just be a cartoon, which Paramount seems to think wouldn't be popular. In the better moments, you get Jim Carrey hamming it up and Lee Majdoub taking a nothing part and making a fan favorite out of it. In the worst moments, you get a subplot about Tom moving to San Francisco or an inexplicable interlude devoted to a mad black woman's wedding. Wade's antics, especially in the second movie, veered more towards the latter for me. I don't hate the guy.  Adam Pally can at least commit to a pratfall, even if I find his man-child demeanor more irritating than charming. 

Mostly though, if you were to ask me what I think of Wade Whipple, my answer would be “I don't.” He's in the parts of these movies that my brain edits out when I remember them. The broad, uninspired comedy inserted, I guess, to amuse the parents who it is assumed won't relate to Sonic and friends. Making Wade the secondary protagonist of the “Knuckles'” show is understandable. In the sense that Wade's back story hasn't been developed. His personality, outside of being an idiot and a klutz, barely exists. “The Warrior” gives us more insight into Wade's life. His general incompetence has left him with self-doubt problems, an eagerness to prove he's not a fuck-up. This seems born out of a traumatic childhood incident where his father abandoned him at a J.C. Penny's. 

Because that's what I want to see when I turn on a TV show about Knuckles the Echidna. An emotionally stunted man-child grappling with the burden of having an absentee father. I can tell that the show is going to try and bend this into some bullshit about Knuckles' own status as an orphan. A desperate attempt to connect these two characters. If Wade's weepy backstory strikes me as an odd decision, building a good chunk of this series' plot around a bowling tournament veers towards the asinine. Why bowling, you guys? Of all things, why bowling? Why is the “Knuckles” show partially about, in anyway whatsoever, fucking bowling?! 

I know I'm going to have to get over this. Accept the show for what it is, not for what it isn't! So let me focus on the things I liked about “The Warrior,” for a minute. Knuckles and Wade's back-and-forth has potential. The scene of them on the road and trading dialogue got a few chuckles out of me. I wasn't totally sold on Idris Elba's vocal performance in “Sonic the Hedgehog 2,” finding him a little flat at times. He does better here, clearly having grown into the character some. Playing up Knuckles' naivety, evolving out of his commitment to his culture, isn't a bad take on the character. As with the two feature films, Tom and Maddie accepting Sonic and his friends as their children is a surprisingly adorable story element. The scenes of Sonic, Tails, and Knux just hanging around the house, causing chaos, are kind of cozy. 

If I were to compromise on the idea of a ”Sonic” movies and TV shows focusing on the characters on Earth, the idea of them being on the run from oppressive G.U.N. agents is probably the main plot I'd follow. I still don't know if Kid Cudi, as Agent Mason, and Ellie Taylor as Agent Willoughby, will be compelling villains on their own. Honestly, I find their personalities extremely routine right now. When watching the fight between the agents, and their souped-up gear, with Knuckles in a bowling alley, I had a distressing realization: This is what I always feared the live action “Sonic” franchise would be. By which I mean, if you squint, it kind of resembles what we expect from this series... While also not really having anything to do with it. It's not bad. The special effects are very good, if noticeably a step-down from the movies. The action scenes are decently directed and choreographed. Yet... Knuckles fighting some rogue Men in Black types inside a bowling alley? I'm just going to need some time to accept that.

Ultimately, “The Warrior” is about on par with the movies in that sense. There's the typical, lowest common denominator inclusions you expect from kid-friendly, studio drivel. Lots of immediately recognizable pop songs on the soundtrack. Lots of quibby one-liners from the characters, many of which are more grating than amusing. Egregious product placement, something Paramount's “Sonic” titles clearly are trying to play off as an ironic joke while very unironically taking money from Dorito's and Zillow. This kind of thing – what my buddy JD calls “Hollywood bullshit” – coexists alongside genuinely cute shout-outs for the long-time fans. Such as an obstacle course being modeled after elements from the classic games, Knuckles' love of grapes, or the words “Green Hill Zone” being said on-screen. Pachacamac appearing as some sort of Force Ghost, filling the role usually occupied by Tikal, is the biggest example of this. Christopher Lloyd playing him as a confused old man getting the grips on being a ghost is funny, even if it has nothing to do with the character as he's always existed. 

Whether “Knuckles” will fall to the same obnoxious pacing problems all streaming shows struggle with remains to be seen. I'll say this first episode packs a lot of stuff into its thirty-three minutes. The series still has a long way to go to justify the bizarre decisions made in its conception. Wade Whipple being Knuckles' sidekick, a whole subplot about bowling, some chick with a bangs shooting laser beams: None of this stuff belongs here. But it is here and I'll have to grapple with that. “The Warrior” gets a [6/10], for now. And one more thing: Tom's absence in this episode is explained by saying he's out-of-town. I guess James Marsden is outside of Paramount+'s budget... 

KNUCKLES: Introduction

Back in February, cyberpunkian mega-corp ViacomCBS put out a Superbowl commercial for Paramount+, their streaming service that they would very much like you to subscribe to. Please, they spent a lot of money on it. The bizarre ad featured multiple high-profile characters and performers from the suite of Paramount properties interacting with each other. And there, alongside Master Chief, Hey Arnold, some presumably famous football players, Peppa Pig, and Patrick Stewart in his Wacky Old Man persona, was Knuckles the Echidna. This was a surreal experience for me. Not just because the commercial was deliberately weird, contrasting acts of violence against a cartoon character alongside a male tramp stamp and Creed, for some reason. Mostly, I found the presence of Knuckles in a spot designed for the Super Bowl – the last culturally ubiquitous television event we have in America – mind-blowing. You're telling me a "Sonic the Hedgehog" character, not even Sonic himself but one of the other ones, got to hang out with Drew Barrymore and be seen by 123.7 million people? The guy whose big solo game launched on the 32X? Julie-Su's boyfriend? That Knuckles the Echidna?! If you had gone back to the nineties and told ten-year-old me that Red Sonic would occupy a place of cultural prominence that high at any point in the future, I flat-out wouldn't have believed you.

And yet... After being the thing I was obsessed with as a child that no other kid cared about, after years of being nothing but a punchline among hacky internet funnymen, the "Sonic the Hedgehog" franchise has become widely accepted as a pop culture icon. It's something that even your grandparents that fall asleep watching "NCIS" may be at least vaguely aware of. Much to my amazement, after it seemed like they were ready to throw the first movie away, Paramount is actually aware of how versatile a franchise "Sonic" is, how insanely dedicated its fans are. They see potential in "Sonic" to become their next huge franchise. (This surely has nothing to do with the studio not really having any other sure shot hits right now.)

And, in this day and age, that means a streaming spin-off show. It was true for Marvel, for DC, for Lord of the Rings, for Godzilla. (Another lifelong obsession I can't believe is as big as it is now.) Now it's true for "Sonic." About the only thing the current "Sonic" Cinematic Universe and Archie Comics in the nineties have in common is understanding that Knuckles is the most sensible of Sonic's friends to build a spin-off around. Thus, Paramount dropped a shit ton of money on special effects, signed Idris Elba to a million year contract, and blanketed television and pro-wrestling rings with ads. For "Knuckles." Am I reading this right? Is this real life? 

As delightfully surreal as this entire experience has been, my expectations came crashing down to reality the minute the first trailer for "Knuckles" was revealed. Ah, yes, there's that old familiar feeling of being disappointed by "Sonic" media. Hello dorkness, my old friend, etc etc. I guess I was expecting too much, forgetting once again that the "Sonic" MovieVerse is for children and normies, not hardcore weirdos like me. It seemed reasonable to expect that a show about the third or fourth most popular "Sonic" character would draw from the franchise's deeper lore. Obviously, all the stuff from the old comics, and even the new ones I'm assuming, are off-limits. (Surprisingly absolutely no one, Ken Penders is seething.) It's not like I expected fuckin' Bimmy to show up or anything. Yet pulling from the actual games Knuckles has starred in, in order to build up enough story for a six hour show, struck me as a given. What I'm saying is, expecting an appearance from Rouge the Bat or the Chaotix or Angel Island, at least some allusion to them, didn't seem improbable. 

Instead, the trailer made it clear that Paramount+'s "Knuckles" was going to be an extremely broad comedy about Knuckles having a wacky adventure with Wade. Ya know, Wade. You guys remember Wade, right? The absent-minded deputy from Green Hills? The one who distracted from the parts of "Sonic the Hedgehog 2" you actually care about to perform some mediocre pratfalls? Established "Sonic the Hedgehog" cast member Wade Whipple, beloved by all. And the villains are... Some people. Maybe a biker guy with Robotnik tech? And some bantering secret agent types? Look, Kid Cudi is here. 

I guess I'm still stuck in the unfortunate mindset that the "Sonic" movie series is eventually going to become more like the games and cartoons and shit that we actually like. Instead of being it's own weird hybrid of schtick-y PG comedy and CGI action set pieces. It's not like "Sonic" tie-in media not really resembling any other part of the franchise is anything new. It's actually the norm. However, I couldn't help but continue to be frustrated that this universe Paramount is building around characters I care way too much about is determined to be so different from established "Sonic" stories. To the point that it might as well be "Sonic" or "Knuckles" in-name-only. But computer-generated cartoon animals are expensive. I don't know what Adam Pally works for but I'm betting he's just happy to have a starring gig, especially off the back of a small part in a movie everyone kind of expected to bomb. That's how you get a "Knuckles" streaming series that actually stars some fuckin' dude. Instead, we faithful "Sonic" old-timers have to be satisfied with small shout-outs to the more obscure corners of the franchise. It's as if a Viacom exec is saying to me "Listen, you goddamn nerds, we gave Knuckles his hat. Doesn't that make you happy? Isn't that enough? Are you not entertained? Look at all these "Star Trek" shows we have!" 

Listen, I know. I take my blue rats that run fast and red aardvarks that punch things entirely too seriously. I've already had people on Discord yell at me for the unforgivable crime of wanting things to be good. The truth is, I probably would've hated a "Knuckles" streaming show no matter what. Not because I'm a pedantic, unpleasable man-child who spends his free time nitpicking a series targeted at people half my age. Not just because of that anyway... 

Nah, I simply fucking hate how most serialized television, especially those made for streaming, are written and paced. So many programs seemed designed to delay satisfaction for as long as humanly possible, in order to keep your eyes glued to the app of your choice all day long. Show runners want to be novelists or movie directors, so an entire season of television must tell one, long continuous story. But most stories don't actually need to be six or ten hours long. This means programs have to fill time with a deluge of subplots nobody gives a shit about, on the way to something genuinely interesting happening in the final minutes of the last episode. I hate to refer to a Twitter meme but, truthfully, the "Surf Dracula" tweet says it all. 

I haaaate this. I don't know who exactly to blame but I feel compelled to call out J.J. Abrams and Damon Lindeloff. I'm a movie guy, by nature. Tell me a self-contained story in one installment. Don't yank my dick around, Netflix. You're not David Lynch. In the amount of time it takes me to watch a convoluted season of a streaming show that just exists to set up the next convoluted season, I could watch three or four obscure 70s Italian horror movies. I'm old, okay? I could be dead tomorrow. I have to use my time carefully. 

Uh, anyway... What was I talking about? Oh yeah, this "Knuckles" thing. The point of this rambling introduction is that I'm probably going to hate this show. People like to say I'm a contrarian who hates everything. I actually like most of the media I consume and make a concerted effort to always find the best in something. But I'm going into "Knuckles" pretty much expecting to dislike it. 

I'm still going into it though. Because complaining about "Sonic the Hedgehog" adjacent programming is what I've chosen to do with my life. And considering how baffled I was, just a few weeks ago, that a "Knuckles" TV show even exists in the first place, maybe I should be happy with what I get. Maybe all us "Sonic" fans should be satisfied simply with the sheer fact that multi-billion dollar conglomerates have deemed our stupid video game thingy worthy of investment. I'm watching it, writing about it, playing right into the hands of the people who created it. Maybe I deserve to be disappointed. But it won't stop me from bitching about it. I'm a "Sonic" fan, stuck in a world spiraling through the death throes of late stage capitalism. Grousing about it all for an increasingly smaller audience is how I cope. I have a mouth and I must scream. 

Anyway... Hey there, Hedgehogs Can't Swim readers. I'm back. Sorry I died for a while. Please enjoy my reviews of the "Knuckles" streaming show. I apologize for any and all insufferable comments in advance.