Wonderman Music Video

Wonderman Music Video 

Original Release Date: March 7th, 1994

When I first started Hedgehogs Can't Swim oh so many years ago, my high-minded aspirations and primary goal were to create a deep exploration of fandom, to figure out why so many people were so obsessed with a little blue hedgehog that ran fast. My secondary goal was to simply gawk at the weirdest fucking corners of this franchise. Maybe that's the reason why "Sonic" fascinates so many. Once you start digging down this rabbit hole, you never stop uncovering bizarre new treasures. Early on, I wanted to start a monthly feature entitled "Weird Sonic Things." The idea was to take a deep dive into the most random-ass content the blue hedgehog has found himself in. Topics ranged from Russian game shows to cameos in Arnold Schwarzenegger movies and strangely prevalent Christian themed fan art. I will hopefully still write about some of these topics eventually but the day-to-day work of writing regular updates has been hard enough for me to maintain that side-projects simply have never materialized. 

However, my latest quest to watch and write my way through miscellaneous visual "Sonic" media has finally brought me to something I've been wanting to talk about for years. One of the first topics I chose when assembling my list of Weird Sonic Things I wanted to talk about. Readers, I implore you... Do you know who Right Said Fred is?

If you are around the same age as me, the answer is almost unquestionably yes. Those born in that sweet spot to be old enough to pay attention to pop culture in the early nineties but not old enough to have real things to worry about will know this English vaguely-electronic pop trio was inescapable for a short while around 1991 and 1992. Not because they were a culture defining talent that had a string of iconic hit songs before their flame was snuffed out early from burning so brightly. No, Right Said Fred scored a stupid novelty hit that essentially became the Harlem Shake of the early nineties. "I'm Too Sexy," an obnoxiously self-aware ode to the preening narcissism of gym culture, was basically an internet meme before internet memes existed. In the pre-online days, dumb gags like this had much longer shelf lives which means the culture at large had plenty of chances to run the joke into the ground. It was referenced everywhere. Overwhelming ubiquity like that would drain the humor and appeal out of anything, no matter the quality. "I'm Too Sexy" does have an insanely catchy melody. Fred Fairbass' monotone vocals do have a weirdly hypnotic quality to them, further supported by the repetitive chant-like structure of the chorus. You could also make the case that Right Said Fred were pioneers, being openly queer performers during a less open time, making a monster hit out of a campy celebration of LGBT+ culture. 

On the other hand, the joke of "Teehee, some guys are really into themselves, yaknowhatImean?" is clever only so many times. The song itself is droning and repetitive, which was only intensified by how inescapable it was for so long. A lot of people also didn't get the joke, taking the song at face value and assuming it was an unironic ode to these bald, buff guys' egos. I suppose the point I'm making is, in isolation, "I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred is a perfectly cromulent dumb pop song, worth a chuckle or two. As a widespread Song of the Summer super hit, however, the joke very quickly wore out its welcome. I was four in 1992 and I recall being bored of hearing this thing. 

Why am I talking about this? What does any of this dumbass shit have to do with Sonic the Hedgehog? Well, my friends, come closer and listen intently because now the fun truly starts. Here in the U.S., we had the good sense to dismiss Right Said Fred after one chart-topping hit. "I'm Too Sexy" had a powerful sway on people's imagination but the American public still recognized it as a stupid one-off joke, having no interest in learning any more about these muscly lads from London. In this country, Right Said Fred are the one hit wonder-iest of one hit wonders, never allowed anywhere near the Hot 100 after their sole fluke pop culture phenomena. In their home country, however, the record buying populace put up with these goofballs for a few more songs. "I'm Too Sexy" isn't even technically their biggest hit in the U.K., that honor belonging to whatever the hell this is. But, yes, there was indeed a valid attempt down England's way to make what amounted to a joke band into regular hitmakers. And what better way to extend the life span of one inexplicable pop culture fad then by tying it onto another weird thing that was, briefly, extremely popular around the same time? 

In England, the marketing for Sega's Mega-Drive leaned harder on edgy, juvenile posturing than the Genesis' ads did over here. Such as in the infamous masturbation themed Game Gear ads. While Sonic himself never cracked any jokes about playin' wit y'ur todger, the U.K. version of the hedgehog did carry that distinctly English brand of stiff-upper-lip attitude and campy humor. In the United States, associating a kid-brand like "Sonic" – designed to appeal to the playground version of coolness as much as possible – with the smirking, self-aware humor of the "I'm Too Sexy" guys would have been unthinkable. Sonic doesn't wear a shirt because he's too sexy for it. Sonic doesn't know what sex is! By 1994, when "Sonic the Hedgehog 3" was coming out, Right Said Fred would have been perceived by the hip youths as totally washed-up, clinically uncool has-beens anyway. We were all about the alternative nation and the gangsta rap by that point, baby! But in the U.K., a mash-up of these two nineties relics that had absolutely nothing to do with each other made, perhaps, a little more sense. At least to some galaxy-brained marketing execs. 

Which, finally, brings me to today's topic. If you haven't heard it before, prepare yourselves. May I introduce you to "Wonderman?" No, not everyone's eleventh favorite Avenger. I'm talking about the 1994 hot single from Right Said Fred, off their second album "Sex and Travel," that was chosen to be a promotional single for the U.K. release of "Sonic the Hedgehog 3." Wikipedia goes so far as to describe it as "a song about Sonic the Hedgehog." Really?! Let's investigate further...

First off, no, Wikipedia is lying to you. "Wonderman" is not about Sonic. At least, not the original version. This utterly forgotten dance ditty actually exists in at least two variations. The "Sex and Travel" version is not dissimilar to Right Said Fred's biggest hit. Instead of being an ironic ode to one's own sexiness, written from the perspective of a self-absorbed gym rat, "Wonderman" has the singer looking outward at somehow who actually lives up to such rhapsodizing praise. The titular entity is described as having "deltoids for days," a perfect tan and being at least six feet tall. Despite being "the naked treat in magazines," this Wonderman isn't only a slice of primo beefcake. He has striking eyes, a movie star smile. Moreover, his values match his perfect appearance. He's got new age beliefs, understands that sharing is caring, protects the Earth and opens his heart to black, white, and uh "yellow" humans. In other words, "Wonderman" is a song describing a perfect man, a Nietzschean ubermensch that is both a sculpted specimen and an upstanding individual ready to help the world. 

It's hard to say if Fairbass is describing this wonder man from a point of lust or aspiration, whether he wants to become him or come in him. Either way, these lyrics clearly do not describe our favorite little blue guy. Sonic does love the Earth but his deltoids are not exactly noteworthy. His tan is not appreciated. He's not six feet tall. (Though neither is Tom Cruise, also name-dropped in these lyrics.) I guess he technically is naked but I don't think Electronic Gaming Monthly was the magazine this song is talking about... I have no doubt that many a person feels Sega's mascot as insanely desirable. However, I doubt that was on the minds of Sega of England's marketing execs. Finding myself writing about another extremely obscure corner of pop culture, there are no sources anywhere for why this song was chosen to promote "Sonic 3." We can only speculate on how this came to be. 

If you listen to the album mix of the song, you can almost see the link. The jazzy trumpets that open the song, especially the cute swaying melody they do, do sound like something you'd hear on the Sega Genesis. While the Vogue-able dance beats are not all that Genesis-like, there is an occasional synth wiggle that sounds suitable. The single line about being "a friend of the Earth" certainly aligns with the early "Sonic" media's environmental subtext. However, one suspects that the song was simply chosen to associate the blast processing of the Mega-Drive's newest blockbuster with a source of wonderment and astonishment. Sonic's entire thing, at the time, was being cooler than cool. Perhaps this speedy little rodent could be your Wonderman, Right Said Fred? That's how I imagine it went away. 

As cheeky as the U.K. marketing for Sega products could get, someone obviously realized these lyrics were a little inappropriate for this chosen subject. Credit to the Fairbass bros, their engineers, producers, and everyone else, they completely reworked the song. The beat is a little faster. The jazzy trumpets are gone, replaced with ramping synth sparkles and edgier dance grooves. One assumes this was done to invoke Sonic's speed. Springy sproing noises are inserted throughout, clearly an attempt to bring the pinball-like action of the game to mind. The result makes the song sound more like a gay club dance track though, especially once a falsetto scatting that seems right out of a drag show is introduced in the back half. (Naturally, there is a five minute long version ideal for dance floor revelry, if anyone ever wanted to snort poppers while thinking about Sonic the Hedgehog...)

Most notably, however, is how the lyrics were totally reworked. I don't know if the Freds were simply told to incorporate some marketing buzz words into the new song or if they were genuinely enthusiastic about the subject. Either way, the single version of "Wonderman" rather obviously is about Sonic. The titular subject is "having a blast," as in blast processing. He's "hoggin' the limelight," har har. The lyrics specifically reference Sonic's power sneakers and spin attack, while referring to a sonic boom, attitude, hipness, the color blue, Speedy Gonzalez, and being state of the art. The singers clearly understood the assignment as it were, though comparing Sonic to "an itch you'll scratch again and again" and "Fay Wray's King Kong" – not Jessica Lang or Linda Miller's King Kong, we're talking the original here – I guess what I'm saying is that the song does, indeed, sell the shit out of this hedgehog... Despite the hook being more-or-less unchanged. You'd think, at some point in production, someone would've pointed out that Sonic isn't a Wonderman. He's a hedgehog! But I guess that didn't flow as well. I do like the refrain of comparing our hero to lightning and thunder that is added to the chorus.

As a song, I would rate either version of "Wonderman" as a passable pop ditty. The single mix is bouncier, I think, while the novelty of its topic certainly makes it more interesting than the album cut. The first time I heard "Wonderman," it didn't strike me as an especially inspired song. However, in the years since, the chorus has repeatedly worked its way into my brain at unexpected intervals. The repetition of the title and the showgirl glee the singers repeat it with certainly compel one to say the title to the melody of the song where you think about it. It is catchy, in other words, showing that Right Said Fred actually did have a talent for creating ear worms. Or at least two of them.

But you don't really care about the song, do you? No, no, if it's 1994, you understand as well as the next person that no track is going to become a hit without a music video. After all, it's my dedication to reviewing Sonic-related animation that I used as an excuse to ramble on about this fuckin' thing for two thousand words. Yes, Right Said Fred didn't merely record a song about Sonic the Hedgehog. They made a music video about him too! Let's take this masterpiece in together, shall we? 

Let's deconstruct what we've watched, shall we? Music videos are not beholden to storylines but the best ones at least have a premise of some sort. The "Wonderman" clip seems to frame itself as an interview show of some sort. Right Said Fred, playing the role of conceited and self-absorbed rock stars, are being interviewed when Steven O'Donnell – then the face of Sega of Europe's television commercials – insist it's time to interview a real big star. No, not the bald guys. The blue hedgehog! The rest of the video is set in an industrial water filtration plant, a sign informing us that this is supposedly Hydrocity Zone. The interviewer and his crew muck about, trying to catching up with Sonic while Right Said Fred prance about in fedoras and pinstripe suits, I guess coincidentally making a music video in the exact same location that night. There's other stuff, like the band's heads appearing in a blank void, a big cartoon skull flashing on screen, and plenty of random pyrotechnics. It's a nineties music video, don't think too hard about it. 

Hopefully I didn't disappoint anyone previously unfamiliar with this three minutes and forty seconds of campy joy by giving the impression that we would actually see Sonic the Hedgehog and the "I'm Too Sexy" guys jamming together. The hedgehog does appear in the video but it's via sped-up footage from the game and, yes, a blue streak speeding by. There are multiple point-of-view shots in the video from something zooming around the factory, a red graphical interface overtop the footage. It would seem this is meant to be from Sonic's perspective, making me wonder if director Paul Boyd thought he was a robot or something. Either way, our azure avenger is there. I suppose this was a somewhat clever solution around the obvious fact that a music video in 1995 didn't have the budget to portray flesh and blood humans interacting with a cartoon character. Zeroing in on how Sonic is often shot through winding chutes and tunnels, resulting in lots of footage of interconnecting pipes, was certainly an idea. Right Said Fred clearly didn't have a Michael Jackson budget here, so I'd say they made good use of the resources afforded to them. 

Funny enough, the video itself seems to acknowledge that the band singing this song was old-hat by 1994. The Fairbass brothers play themselves as clueless, drugged out rock wannabes with no substance at all. The video ends with O'Donnell burying a TV playing the interview in an open grave, referring to it as "very, very boring" right as the bald boys quote their most famous single. I don't know if this was an example of the band itself realizing their fifteen minutes were up and clowning around a bit. Or if the idea is simply to suggest that Sonic is much cooler, much more innovative, and far more interesting than the band we are watching being promoted. Though that's kind of funny too, since the "Sonic" franchise would hit the first of its many slumps not too many years after this. The saying is true: One day you're on top and, the next, you're loosing out to fucking Bug as the mascot for the Sega Saturn. 

I don't foresee Right Said Fred having a successful comeback and being the subject of a trilogy of blockbuster movies anytime soon though. "Wonderman" was not exactly a hit. It peaked at number 55 on the U.K. charts. The only other country it charted in was Belgium, where it at least got to number 50. Despite the mediocre chart performance, "Wonderman" was apparently successful enough to be included in the 27th edition of the Now That's What I Call Music compilation series. It appeared alongside such luminaries as Doop, Cappella, and Urban Cookie Collective. Yes, the Doop! Actually, "Wonderman" has the distinction of being one of the lowest charting songs to appear on a Now collection. Which is better than no distinction at all! It also shows up in the 1994 Disney movie, "Blank Check." I haven't seen that in probably thirty years but I think I'd remember if Sonic had a cameo too... 

Needless to say, singing about Sonic the Hedgehog did not raise the band's failing fortunes. The group has continued to put out songs in the years since, releasing seven albums after "Sex and Travel." They've yet to score another hit though, unless you count getting sampled by Taylor Swift and Drake. Most recently, the Fairbass boys have netted some further notoriety by participating in anti-masking and anti-lockdown protests during the COVID-19 pandemic. They are one of the faces of Not Our Future, an organization that Wikipedia describes as an "anti-climate change" activist group but whose website seems more interested in raging against the World Health Organization, "identity politics," and something they call "the Blob." What is it about being briefly successful pop singers in the nineties that turn people into weirdos in the modern day? 

Despite whatever questionable politics the band may promote now, "Wonderman" remains a bop. Having listen to the song and watched the video about a dozen times in the process of writing this, I can now proudly say that it's the second most Right Said Fred song I can name off the top of my head. Did I need to devote so many words to this topic? Haha, you fool, I don't need to do anything! Anyway, thanks for reading this stupid bullshit. I'll only write about other Sonic-adjacent music videos in the future if they are as funny as this one.

A Sketch from Tracy Yardley!

We interrupt whatever passes for a regularly scheduled update for something a little different. This previous weekend, the girlfriend and I traveled to Atlanta, Georgia to attend Momocon. I've been to a number of local cons up north but none of them compare in size to an event like Momocon. First off, you had to ride down about six escalators just to get to the proper convention floor. Secondly, once you finally arrive, you are greeted with a car show. That included – and this is going to matter to exactly nobody reading this – a screen-used Herkimer Battle Jitney from the 1999 motion picture "Mystery Men!" It's the finest non-lethal military vehicle ever made! Considering the Ben Stiller starring superhero parody flop is a minor cult classic at best, I can't imagine anyone else in attendance was excited by this. But I was. Because I think "Mystery Men" is one of the funniest movies ever made. You can ask the GF. I actually shouted "Is that the Herkimer Battle Jitney?!" when I first saw it. 

So, anyway, why am I bringing this up? Because it made me happy. But mostly because one of the reasons I traveled to Momocon is because it had a few "Sonic the Hedgehog" related guests. Jason Griffith was probably the main attraction for the hedgehog-inclined crowd. I know Griffith is the iconic voice of Sonic for many fans, having been tenured as the English voice actor for the hero from 2003 to 2010. I was basically checked out of the games during that period and have barely watched the dub of "Sonic X," so I can't say Griffith has much personal significance to me. Says a lot that the game I've played the most featuring him as Sonic is "Super Smash Bros." Besides, we were only there for Saturday and the lines were long.

No, I basically only had one goal at Momocon. I wanted to meet Tracy Yardley – should I spell that with an exclamation point? – and get him to draw a sketch for me. The dealers' area was massive and filled with people selling all sorts of stuff. Some of which, like home-made fudge or tea bags, were barely connected to the anime/animation/gaming focus of the convention. Not too much specifically "Sonic" related stuff for sale, though I did spy one booth selling Eggman and Werehog body pillows. Did the girlfriend have to talk me out of buying one? I'll never tell. 

After much walking around and navigating of crowds, I finally found the aisle where professional artists and comic people were shilling their wears. Seated under a little sign featuring the blue hedgehog was Mr. Yardley. After a few people ahead of us asked their questions and left, I approached the table. I said my piece, about how I had been a lifelong reader of "Sonic" comics and how I felt Yardley and Ian Flynn's arrival on the Archie book really revived a faltering series. Finally, I sheepishly admitted I run a small "Sonic" blog called Hedgehogs Can't Swim. And that I would like a sketch of Sonic drowning to, ya know, fit the theme. Yardley was happy to oblige and drew it up in about ten minutes. I stood by awkwardly and watched, not sure what else to do but really impressed that he whipped up something so professional looking in such a short amount of time. He even asked if I wanted modern or classic Sonic. What a pro!

Here it is. Pretty cool, right? Probably the closest I'll ever come to having my little endeavor in this fandom acknowledged professionally. I assured Mr. Yardley that this wouldn't be even in the top ten weirdest things he'd draw that weekend and he agreed. I can only imagine the dumb-ass shit people have asked him to sketch at conventions...

In an attempt to squeeze a few more words out of this post, I'll say this as well: There were quite a few Sonic related cosplayers at the convention. Most of them, it seemed, were femme versions of Sonic, Tails, and Shadow. I'm sure there are interesting psychological reasons for why that is. Probably because most any lady looks cute wearing little hedgehog or fox ears. I'm too shy to ask cosplayers for pictures usually and the Saturday crowds were massive enough that trying to single out someone was  awkward. I did convince a very nice Rouge cosplayer to pose with my partner, who was dressed as Lilith from "Darkstalkers," since they were both bat-themed. For that reason and that reason alone, I assure you.

We were only there for a few hours, mostly to meet friends and people watch, so I can't pretend I got the full breath of the Momocon experience. Still, it was pretty cool to visit a con far larger than what I'm used to. If nothing else, I will probably treasure the sketch from Yardley for years to come. Think I can convince the missus to let me frame it and hang it up in our bedroom? It'll go great next to my Eggman body pillow...

I BOUGHT THE SONIC LEGO SET AND SO SHOULD YOU

It's been mentioned in this blog from time to time but, for those that don't know, I am something of a toy collector. I've slow downed a little bit, because of space and money and adult responsibilities. Yet I still buy a couple of figures every year. I've got a room in my basement full of NECA stuff and other things like that, as well as a bookshelf in my office packed with Marvel Legends and DC Universe Classics. 

About ten years ago, my little nephew got into Lego. I enjoyed the globally beloved building brick toy as a child but hadn't looked at them much since then. Yet the joy they brought my five-year-old nephew intrigued me and I had a lot of fun assembling sets with him. Around that time, Lego announced a new theme based on classic monster movie archetypes. Being a huge classic horror buff, I had to grab all of these. After that, I became Zack the Lego Maniac for a couple of years and these fucking brick toys took over my home for a while. I even got my mom into them and now her house is also filled with Lego. She might be more into them than I ever was.

 

As I have with toy-buying in general, I've slowed down a little bit with Lego... But just a little, because they still send me catalogs and I still pick up the sets and mini-figs that interest me. I still have the monster and various superhero sets together on a table in my basement. I call it the “Monster Village” and like to add to it from time to time. Because at a certain point a grown man collecting children's toys becomes indistinguishable between those old ladies who hoard those miniature Christmas villages. 

What does this have to do with Sonic? A while ago, there was a craze for video games you had to buy corresponding toys for, that would introduce new content into the game. They were essentially games you had to keep buying, which the companies must have loved. It turned out to be a pretty short-lived fad but, during that time, WB Interactive teamed up with Lego to launch the toy line/video game called Lego Dimensions. Among the properties roped into that massive crossover was Sonic. Being both a Lego freak and a Sonic nerd, I had to pick up the "Sonic" pack, even though I've never actually played the corresponding video game. How could I resist having a little Sonic mini-fig of my own?

I knew it was unlikely but had hoped Lego would do more Sonic-related sets after this. The Lego Dimensions levels featured Lego-ified versions of Sonic's friends and enemies, so the potential was there. But the toys-to-life fad dried up shortly after that and Lego Dimensions was discontinued, dashing all hope.

But I guess I'm not the only person at the center of the Sonic fan/Lego fan vin diagram. Not too long ago, an enterprising fan created a Sonic Mania Lego set and submitted it to Lego Ideals. That's the program through which fan submitted ideas can be produced as actual purchasable sets, if they acquired enough attention. And if Lego deems it worth the time and effort to work out a deal with the owners of the I.P. The "Sonic Mania" design went viral, earned the proper amount of signatures, and was soon approved. We were getting a proper Lego set to go with the little Dimensions pack.

Well, it's out now. I bought it, as a late Christmas present to myself, and put it together over the last two days. Probably to tie in with Sega's 30th anniversary plans, the set was completely redesigned to replicate the first level of the original "Sonic the Hedgehog" game. And I imagine this was also done to make the set cheaper to produce, to sell at a more reasonable cost, as the "Mania" design featured a giant Death Egg robot. I would've loved to put that together but I'm not sure how many other people would be willing to spend 200 dollars or whatever on that toy. 

Like all Ideas set, even the packaging for this is beautiful. It comes in a sturdy, suitcase style box with lots of lovely photographs of the set on it. The instruction manual is also really cute and detailed. The front of the booklet replicates the start screen for "Sonic 1," while the back features the end screen. There's an extremely condensed timeline of the "Sonic" franchise. As you progress through the instruction, a tiny Sonic mini figure is shown running along the bottom of the book. He even jumps back and loses rings when you put the two Badniks — a Crabmeat and MotoBug — included with the set together. It's really adorable and well done.

The set is separated into seven bags and this comes with a cute feature too. Each bag includes a little Chaos Emerald, that you can plug into Sonic's base as you assemble the rest of the package. Touches like that prove that a lot of love was built into this adult collectible, that real fans had a hand in making this a reality. 

As for the set proper, obviously it's ridiculously cool. A lot of features from the Green Hill Zone are rendered in building bricks in novel ways. That includes a massive loop to run through, a palm tree, the sun flowers, a checkpoint post, and a wooden bridge over a stream. Rings can be attached to clear plastic rods, which you attach to the back of the set, to give the illusion of rings floating throughout the "level." A similar trick is done with a floating platform, which can attach to two clear "window" pieces above the hoop. My favorite detail is a big red spring, which actually works thanks to a little lever you build into the foundation.

Seeing the Green Hill Zone recreated so faithfully in Lego bricks is a lot of fun. Turning old video games into Lego sets is a logical choice, since the bricks can easily replicate blocky pixels. The checkered pattern of the game zone is nicely represented here. Even if it means you're going to be spending a lot of time meticulously snapping small, light brown pieces to equally small but slightly darker brown pieces. They even include Sonic's life meter in the corner of the set, via a sticker. There's also a sticker containing a small bit of code that you adhere to the back. Nice touch.

The Sonic mini figure appears to be the same one from the Lego Dimensions set. Which isn't really a complaint because he's adorable. Similarity, the little Crabmeat and MotoBug you put together also look really good and cute. The MotoBug comes with two different stickers, showing a placid face and an angry face, that you can trade out. (There's also two monitors you put together, which has five power-up stickers you can swap.) I do wish the Badnik's trademark single wheel was a little better represented but I understand that the route they went instead — rounded pieces that easily connect to the set — was probably more practical. The Crabmeat also looks good, though he doesn't attach as easily to the rest of the build. 

If I've seen any criticism towards this set, it's been for the Eggman/Robotnik portion. While Sonic is a standard mini-fig, just with a unique head, Robotnik you actually assemble. This was probably the better choice, as Lego doesn't really make "fat" minifigs and Eggman should be bigger than Sonic anyway. There's a lot of neat tricks used to assemble the doctor, regular Lego pieces being repurposed to make the shape of his body. But he does look a little goofy, made out of blocky bricks like this. The Egg-Mobile looks beautiful as a Lego set though. Honestly, I would've purchased that as a stand-alone release, I like it so much. 

Another minor bit of criticism I'd offer was also, perhaps, unavoidable. The set is so determined to replicate the experience of playing the Genesis game that everything stretches out vertically. You essentially put together the different components and snap them next to each other. It does flatten the dynamism of Lego bricks as a medium a little bit, putting them together left-to-right like that. I'm not sure what other way there'd be to set this up though, so just ignore this paragraph.

As far as construction difficulty and time investment goes, I don't think the "Sonic" set is too bad. It's sturdier and less complicated than some other Ideas sets I've put together. I guess making it one long horizontal platform was beneficial in that regard. It took me maybe four or so hours to put the whole thing together, which isn't bad for a Lego set of this size. Keep in mind, dropping some of the pieces used to make Eggman's ass and crouching around on the floors looking for them, contributed to that chunk of time. That kind of shit always happens to me.

I hope this well enough to justify doing more Sonic-themed Lego sets. There's certainly a ton more they could do. I might have to see if I can customize mine a little by adding a wrecking ball to Robotnik's craft. And I still want to put that Death Egg robot together. Obviously, I'd love to have some other "Sonic" cast members in mini-figure form. Even my girlfriend pointed out that this set doesn't come with Tails or Knuckles. (I resisted the temptation to explain to her that, of course it doesn't. This is based off the first game, Tails and Knuckles hadn't been introduced yet. And that's why we're still together.) You can buy bootleg figures of other "Sonic" characters, some of which I might pick up, so the demand is obviously there. Lego and Sega just have to go for it. 

Any criticisms I have are truly just nitpicks. This is a great set, full of lovable tidbits for fans that is fairly easy to assemble and holds together nicely. If you're a fan of both "Sonic" and Lego... We'll, you definitely already own this. But if you're a "Sonic" dork who hasn't put a Lego set together in years, I'd still suggest you pick this thing up. It's fun to put together and fun to play with after that's all done. Ideas sets sometimes have short runs, depending on how well they sell, so you might want to be fast —  like someone else I could name — if you're looking to get it. 

30 Years of Sonic Fandom

On this date, thirty years ago, the very first "Sonic the Hedgehog" video game was released for the Sega Genesis. Congratulations, Sonic, you're officially middle-aged. Buy a boat and start planning your retirement. Despite wildly divergent highs and lows over all that time, "Sonic" is somehow still relevant to our modern world. Sega has done everything they can to hype up this significant anniversary, though one assumes bigger plans were hijacked by the collective clusterfuck that was 2020. Either way, the "Sonic" franchise has now survived three decades, which is way longer than I think anyone ever could've anticipated back in 1991. 

Obviously, Hedgehogs Can't Swim wasn't going to let this momentous occasion pass without some sort of acknowledgment. Today, the pop culture and gaming press is surely full of all sorts of retrospectives, tracking the series' tumultuous and unexpected history over these past thirty years. You don't need me to regurgitate trivia and factoids that can be easily found anywhere else on the internet. Instead, I'm taking this magical day to talk about something far more self-indulgent: My history with "Sonic the Hedgehog," my story as a fan of whatever the hell this series is. 

I was almost three years old when the very first "Sonic the Hedgehog" game was unleashed on the world. By some twist of fate, I almost share a birthday with my favorite multi-media franchise. The original game came out exactly one day before I turned three. That's young enough that I have no specific memories of the first game's release. In fact, as I've mentioned before, I'm not even sure when I first became aware of the blue hedgehog. The earliest memory I actually retain about "Sonic" is also one I've talked about before: That would be watching a clip of "SatAM" on ABC's 1993 prime time preview of that year's new cartoon shows. 

I also know I saw ads for the original game in issues of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Magazine, which I thumbed through repeatedly as a kid as the Turtles were my first pop culture obsession. Those ads might very well be my first exposure to anything "Sonic" related. Either way, it was the cartoon show and the comic book, which I discovered shortly afterwards, that made me the true blue hedgehog fanatic that I am today.

I imagine this experience is not typical of "Sonic" fans my age. Most of you guys probably played the video game first. Because money wasn't always easy to come by in my childhood household, and because my mother thought video games were noisy and annoying, I didn't receive my own Sega Genesis until a few years later. I'm pretty sure I didn't get my Genesis until my seventh birthday, in June of 1995. I can recall with great detail how I got this console: My mom took me to Toys R' Us and had me pick out some Genesis games that she said were for a family member's birthday. I selected "Sonic 3," "Dr. Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine" and "Tiny Toon Adventures: Buster's Hidden Treasure." Being a naïve child, I bought right into this easily seen-through deception, a parent ignorant of gaming tricking her child into picking out his own gifts. Pretty sneaky, Mom! 

When I unwrapped those games on my birthday I was shocked and delighted. Because kids are dumb but also precious. I can assure you that "Sonic 3" and "Mean Bean Machine" were the first "Sonic" games I ever played. And I kind of sucked at both of them, having trouble getting through the first few levels. Yet I was still sucked in. I quickly acquired "Sonic 1," "2," "& Knuckles," "Spinball," and even "3D Blast." When we got our first PC a few years later, I even had a copy of "Sonic Schoolhouse," though I can't recall playing it more than once. While I never owned one myself, I did have a friend with a Sega CD and a copy of "Sonic CD," which allowed me to marvel at the opening animation and stumble through the first couple stages. 

Obviously, I spent many hours playing those games, wasting huge chunks of my childhood on pixels and controllers. "Sonic 2" and the singular, detached "Sonic & Knuckles" cartage became my favorites and are the only two I ever mastered as a kid. While I love and respect those original games, it's fair to say they aren't my favorite iteration of the "Sonic" universe. I can recall, as a young boy, wanting nothing more than for Sally and the Freedom Fighters to appear in one of the games. Imagine how bug nuts I went when I discovered their cameos in "Sonic Spinball." 

This is because, as I've said over and over again on this blog, the Archie comic book is really what turned me into a "Sonic" obsessive. I've been trying to figure out why this goofy comic book – which obviously had more than its fair share of shitty issues – meant so much to me. And I think I've finally cracked it: It was another world. Sonic's universe was colorful and crazy and full of lovable characters. It was a place that felt distinct from our world, with conflicts and melodramas that were bigger yet simpler than those of real life. It had depth too. Those early issues introduced new characters, story concepts, and ideas so quickly and sloppily that a convoluted lore quickly built up. As longtime readers of the comic and this blog know, those issues could also get surprisingly dark at times.

It was easy to get lost in this wonderland. When things got hard at home and in my young life, which they often did, I was always able to get lost in those comic books. More so than any thematic concerns or storytelling hooks, that's why "Sonic" means so much to me. As ridiculous as it feels to type this, those books became a source of comfort for me. And continued to be one for two decades, this comic ostensibly for children oddly finding a way to age with me. This might be why it bugged me so much when the reboot introduced regular humans to the comic's world, as it made the Archie universe resemble our world more. I don't want "Sonic" to resemble our world! I want it to be a wild and crazy place with its own weird-ass mythos and rules. 

It was an escape that was only for me too, making it feel even more impossibly personal. While I certainly knew kids and had friends who played the "Sonic" games and watched the cartoons, I was the only person I knew that was into the comic. This is probably why this stupid-ass funny animal book became part of my fuckin personality, because it sometimes felt like it was made just for me. As the decade went on and "Sonic's" popularity faded somewhat, I retreated even more into my obsession and started writing long-winded stories and fan comics about these characters and their world. I wanted to be a part of this universe that I loved so much. That desire expressed itself in fanfic ideas that may or may not have featured an overpowered self-insert character. 

I call these fanfics but they were more like ideas, episode synopses and scripts for non-existent TV shows and movies, because I didn't know what the fuck fan fiction was at the time. That all changed when I got online around 1998 or so. The first "Sonic" website I can recall finding was called The Sonic Foundation and it blew my fucking mind. There were other people out there like me! Who also knew about this shit and obsessed over it and wrote shitty stories where they got to hang out with their favorite characters! It was a real "eureka" moment, let me tell ya.

I quickly delve into the world of "Sonic" fandom, finding other sites and chat rooms and fanfic archives that took up too much of my time. This was so long ago that Google wasn't even popular yet and I had to use WebCrawler to search out primitive "Sonic" fan sites. Such as the homes of outed predator PsyGuy and future "Sonic" professionals like Tyson Hesse and J. Axer. I even pushed my limited HTML skills to the breaking point and attempted to create my own "Sonic" site on Angelfire, which shamefully still exists and I will definitely not link you to. Whether or not my ill-begotten attempts at fanfics and – shivers – sprite comics still survive, I thankfully can't tell you.

I was growing into a moody, emotionally disaffected, edgy pre-teen by this point. The world was about to get a lot darker, for everybody it seemed, and I was pleased to find other "Sonic" fans undergoing similar transformations. It wasn't hard at all to find comics and fanfics filled with edge-lord jokes and inappropriate darkness around that time. Fan-writers like David Macintyre, Stephen Zacharus, and some goofy goobers named Sean Catlett and Ian Potto became people I admired and looked up to. In a roundabout way, this led me on my own path towards attempting to become a professional writer, which is really a story for another day.

By this point, the nineties were over and we were all living in a strange new millennium. Among the many crazy changes I was grappling with at that time, the "Sonic" franchise underwent its biggest change ever. The launch of the Sega Dreamcast and the release of "Sonic Adventure" made the series popular again, if not as popular as it was during its early nineties heyday. The "modern" era of Sonic – which is now twenty years old – would signal a radical shift in game play and something like a change in attitude for the franchise. The stories became more involved, feeling increasingly like something out of an anime. It brought with it an influx of new fans, with "Sonic Adventure 2" really firing the imaginations of younger hedgehog appreciators. 

This, in my opinion, is when the "Sonic" fandom started to get weird. The internet was becoming more of a widespread thing, exposing the stranger corners of the fandom to a wider audience. The popularity of websites like DeviantArt and LiveJournal gave a voice to a lot of talented people and a lot of other people who probably shouldn't have had their voices amplified. The franchise going in a different direction intensified the petty debates between the opposing corners of the fandom. (Which, owning to the very different interpretations of the character that we're out there, we're already pretty far apart.) This, from my point-of-view, is when the Sonic fandom started to develop a reputation for being terrible.

Eventually, Sega stopped making consoles. Not too long after that, the games stopped being good. The franchise shattering failure of "Sonic '06" led the people who make "Sonic" games in increasingly offbeat directions – like adding guns or swords or making Sonic a werewolf for some reason – in a desperate attempt to keep people interested. This did little to rehabilitate the franchise and did even less for the fandom. Now there was this perception that we were all devotees of a loser, over-the-hill series that was bad now and was maybe always bad. Circa 2009 or so, saying you were a "Sonic" fan was about analogous to saying you were a furry pervert or a racist autist.

Unsurprisingly, this is when I started to distance myself from "Sonic." I was a young adult in college at the time and really had more important shit to do anyway. Yes, I was still reading the comic book and loving that it was actually good again around this time. Yet I stopped playing the games. I didn't watch the cartoons. I hid my merch when I had girlfriends over and only mentioned my long-held fascination to my closest friends. My initial launch of this blog in 2010, which only saw a few updates before I abandoned it, was actually a failed attempt to get back in-touch with my "Sonic" fandom. To figure out why I was so into this thing that was now regarded as a laughingstock. 

Yet the damage had been done. Over the last decade, the "Sonic" franchise had mutated in a lot of ways I don't recognize. I stopped buying video games altogether. "Generations" and "Mania" are really the only entries into the series I've played much since I turned 21. When people mention the "boost formula" or start arguing if Jason Griffith or Roger Craig Smith were better, I really have no idea what they're talking about. This is why I was dismissive of characters like Silver, Blaze, and the Babylon Rogues for so long. They were unwanted additions to a series that had, in my opinion, forgotten itself. 

It felt like a strange time to be a "Sonic" fan. Yet, for a lot of fans, this is the only version of the series they've known. The franchise may have felt like it was flatlining and the fandom sure seemed like it was rotting from the inside out. Still, the "Sonic" community survived and grew. When I do interact with other fans, via this blog and Twitter and Discord, I still feel out-of-place sometimes. I'm an old foggey who has been around since almost the beginning, which means I can't relate with some fans. Yet, these days, I'm largely at peace with the realization that some parts of the vast "Sonic"-verse are for me and some parts of it aren't. Starting to shift this blog less from an investigation into fandom and more of a collection of retrospective reviews helped me understand that. 

On its 30th anniversary, in a weird way, the "Sonic" series feels healthier than it's been a long time. The rehabilitation really started five years ago, during the last anniversary, when “Sonic Mania” became the first game in the series to receive unanimous praise in many, many years. The following big budget game was less well received but the fallout from that seems to be that Sega has learned to actually take time between titles, instead of rushing them out. The corporate entities behind “Sonic” got good at memes. A new comic began, garnering positive attention from people both in and outside the family. A movie that, at first, looked like a catastrophe was turned around at the last minute. The movie rode its status as the last major release before a global pandemic shut theaters down to surprising levels of success. Now, a sequel has finished filming and a new cartoon show is quickly approaching. 

In 2020, “Sonic” is still kind of a laughingstock but he's in on the joke now. The weird-ass legacy of the series is accepted and the blue hedgehog seems to be regarded with warm nostalgia by a lot of people. Though toxic behavior will always exist in any fandom, “Sonic” fans do seem to have chilled out somewhat and aren't the regular punching bags they once were. I guess I would say I'm cautiously optimistic about the franchise's future and am no longer ashamed to be a “Sonic” fan. It's part of who I am and I'm cool with that.

If you read this entire rambling essay, thanks for sticking around. Race onward into your third decade, blue hedgehog, and be proud of all you've accomplished. As for me, I guess I'll continue to chronicle these adventures. I seem to enjoy doing so. 

RISE FROM YOUR GRAVE

Oh hey, guys. Zack from Hedgehogs Can’t Swim here. So.... it’s been a while. Some of you have left comments asking whether I was still alive, a totally valid concern considering the year we’ve all had. After I let Halloween come and go without any sort of update, you probably assumed I really was gone for good. No, I’m not dead. I’ve even been blogging consistently through the pandemic, over at Film Thoughts. My life has not been untouched by the apocalypse we’re living through these days. I’ve had friends and family come into contact with COVID. There have been some close calls but, thankfully, nobody I love has died. 

Physically, I’ve been okay. My mental health, on the other hand, has been pretty tattered and frayed this year. Ya know, nothing like a global pandemic and a government teetering towards full-blown fascism to make your anxiety flare up. I’ve been an essential worker through these end-times and it got to the point recently where I had to make the choice between my sanity and my paycheck. I chose my sanity, a decision I may or may not come to regret eventually.

Anyway, this might explain why I haven’t updated my cartoon hedgehog blog in seven months. I really didn’t mean to disappear for so long. It was not a planned hiatus. I just lost the ability to focus for a while, my ADHD and OCD fucking up my life in new and exciting ways. I considered following in the footsteps of fellow Sonic person Cybershell and totally disappearing for years on end but, ultimately, the fact that I was leaving a project incomplete was nagging at me. How am I supposed to be a fully developed and functional human being if I haven’t reviewed every episode of every “Sonic the Hedgehog” cartoon? 

So, I guess I’m back. I can make no guarantees that this project won’t immediately go back off the rails. As I write this, the future of the world is still totally uncertain and terrifying. I’ll admit, I’m feeling a little saner these days but that could change tomorrow. I know my writing isn’t as exciting or incisive now that I’m discussing the old “Sonic” cartoons and not the old “Sonic” comic books. But, for the time being, I’m re-committing to rambling nonsensically on the Internet about blue hedgehogs that run fast and fight robots for a little while longer. 

Here’s the plan: I’m going to devote most of December and part of January to catching up with IDW’s “Sonic” comic, a series it seems like I’m always perpetually catching up with. This is primarily so I can do another Best/Worst at the start of next year. Afterwards, I shall resume my reviews of “Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog.” I may throw in some other stupid bullshit from time-to-time as well, just to keep y’all on your toes. 

Again, I’ll make no promises that I’ll stick with this. But, for now, I’m going to give this one more shot. Yes, I’m back on the three days a week updating schedule. I hope you’re a fan of run-on sentences, faulty formatting and reading way too much into children’s media, cause Hedgehogs Can’t Swim is back. Maybe. Probably not. But possibly. 

Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog Reviews: Introduction

The “Sonic the Hedgehog” fandom is bad. I feel like this is self-evident. “Sonic” fans are weird. They are too passionate, too open about their grosser qualities, and too willing to bicker endlessly with you about what the “true” version of “Sonic” is. This is because the “Sonic the Hedgehog” fandom is divided. Is “Sonic” a nineties platforming game? Is it a mid-2000s 3D adventure game with an open-world hub and fishing side-quests? Is it a lore-filled comic book series, full of serious themes? A loosely plotted series of light-hearted adventures? Is Sonic himself a nineties smart-ass with a bad attitude? Or someone who loves his friends and will do anything to protect them?

The truth is, this division is baked into the very soul of the franchise. There has never actually been a consistent version of “Sonic.” In Japan, he was conceived as a wacky but cuddly cartoon character in the tradition of Mickey Mouse or Felix the Cat. Sega of America, however, was allowed to sell “Sonic” over here however they saw fit. So Sonic was an in-your-face, Bart Simpsons-like rebel in the U.S., which was the hip thing all the American kids were into at the time. (In retrospect, trying to sell a blue mascot that runs fast and bops robots on the head as something serious was... Kind of weird.)

Even in the U.S., there wasn't much across-media coherence concerning this particular blue hedgehog. I already covered this a little in my “SatAM” introduction. Hot off the success of the first two Genesis games, Sega ran to DiC Entertainment to develop a cartoon based on the newly popular property. As DiC had done with “Mario,” they developed an aggressively wacky comedy series wherein Sonic was a merry prankster and Robotnik was an incompetent, goofball villain. “Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog” even reeled in Jaleel White – otherwise known as the obnoxiously-voiced, and briefly extremely popular, sitcom character Steve Urkel – to voice the titular hedgehog.

You already know what happened next. ABC passed on “Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog,” asking for a more plot-driven series, which led to the development of “SatAM.” Instead of abandoning the zany show they had worked so much on, DiC continued working on “Adventures.” These programs would hit the airwaves around the same time, with “SatAM” premiering on ABC on September 25th 1993 and “Adventures” beginning its run in syndication a few weeks earlier on September 9th. 

So two “Sonic” cartoons with wildly different tones and styles were on television at the exact same time. So you can see why “Sonic” fans have been so intrinsically divided from the very beginning. Is Sonic a Freedom Fighter waging a guerrilla war against an authoritarian tyrant, in a grim post-industrial wasteland, with his group of friends? Or was he a screwball goof punking an idiotic adversary, in a colorful cartoon world, with Tails as his only consistent companion? The answer to both questions is, somehow, yes. And simultaneously! No matter fans can't decide on what the hell this character is and what this series is about.

Weirdly, this never confused me as a kid. On weekend mornings, I would watch Sonic mourn Uncle Chuck and fight the destruction of the environment. On weekday evenings, I could see Sonic dress in drag and hear Robotnik brag about how fat he was. Despite how different the shows were, I loved them both because kid-me loved Sonic, regardless of what he was doing or who he was hanging out with. Children are able to accept strange shit like this at face-value, I guess. Mostly, my memories of “Adventures” are confined to watching the show at my friend's house in the evenings after his dad finished watching – sigh – “The Rush Limbaugh Show.”  Somehow, both Sonic and Rush are newly relevant again here in 2020! The new century is weird.

Anyway: Much like “SatAM,” “Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog” would develop a long-lived fandom. While “SatAM's” spirit lived on through a ridiculously long-running comic book and a passionate cult following,  the awkwardly abbreviated “AoStH'” lived on via internet memes and Youtube Poops. Some of this quasi-popularity might be owed to “AoStH's” surprisingly enduring afterlife. While “SatAM” would largely only be rerun in obscure cable showtimes, “AoStH” aired in syndication for years afterwards and even had a shockingly well-promoted re-airing on Toon Disney. (That was Disney's sort-of defunct attempt to compete with Cartoon Network, to you goddamn zoomers.) Shout Factory would release both shows on DVD around the same time, cementing the link between them.

So what do I think about “Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog?” Even as a kid, I was not especially passionate about this iteration of my favorite blue hedgehog. Yes, even as a youngster, I turned my nose up a bit at the sophomoric slapstick of this series and only regularly watched it because it starred a pop culture obsession I've never let go of for some reason. In my few attempts to return to “Adventures” as an adult, I've found the show to be a sub-”Ren and Stimpy” program that was cheaply animated and leaned way too hard on the aggressive wackiness. This retrospective will be the first time I've actually sat down and re-watched the show, maybe for the first time in my entire life. I'm sure there's episodes I missed as a kid.

Also, this is going to take a little while longer than “SatAM” did. “Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog's” syndicated run includes sixty-five episodes. So I'm fully expected this journey to annoy and tire me out very quickly but, well, I'm committed to this bullshit. (By the way, I'll be following the air date order for the show, as opposed to the radically different production order.) Prepare your pingas, rev up your Mean Bean Machine, but don't click away because that's no good. We are going to go on some “Adventures,” here at Hedgehogs Can't Swim.