I BOUGHT THE SONIC LEGO SET AND SO SHOULD YOU

It's been mentioned in this blog from time to time but, for those that don't know, I am something of a toy collector. I've slow downed a little bit, because of space and money and adult responsibilities. Yet I still buy a couple of figures every year. I've got a room in my basement full of NECA stuff and other things like that, as well as a bookshelf in my office packed with Marvel Legends and DC Universe Classics. 

About ten years ago, my little nephew got into Lego. I enjoyed the globally beloved building brick toy as a child but hadn't looked at them much since then. Yet the joy they brought my five-year-old nephew intrigued me and I had a lot of fun assembling sets with him. Around that time, Lego announced a new theme based on classic monster movie archetypes. Being a huge classic horror buff, I had to grab all of these. After that, I became Zack the Lego Maniac for a couple of years and these fucking brick toys took over my home for a while. I even got my mom into them and now her house is also filled with Lego. She might be more into them than I ever was.

 

As I have with toy-buying in general, I've slowed down a little bit with Lego... But just a little, because they still send me catalogs and I still pick up the sets and mini-figs that interest me. I still have the monster and various superhero sets together on a table in my basement. I call it the “Monster Village” and like to add to it from time to time. Because at a certain point a grown man collecting children's toys becomes indistinguishable between those old ladies who hoard those miniature Christmas villages. 

What does this have to do with Sonic? A while ago, there was a craze for video games you had to buy corresponding toys for, that would introduce new content into the game. They were essentially games you had to keep buying, which the companies must have loved. It turned out to be a pretty short-lived fad but, during that time, WB Interactive teamed up with Lego to launch the toy line/video game called Lego Dimensions. Among the properties roped into that massive crossover was Sonic. Being both a Lego freak and a Sonic nerd, I had to pick up the "Sonic" pack, even though I've never actually played the corresponding video game. How could I resist having a little Sonic mini-fig of my own?

I knew it was unlikely but had hoped Lego would do more Sonic-related sets after this. The Lego Dimensions levels featured Lego-ified versions of Sonic's friends and enemies, so the potential was there. But the toys-to-life fad dried up shortly after that and Lego Dimensions was discontinued, dashing all hope.

But I guess I'm not the only person at the center of the Sonic fan/Lego fan vin diagram. Not too long ago, an enterprising fan created a Sonic Mania Lego set and submitted it to Lego Ideals. That's the program through which fan submitted ideas can be produced as actual purchasable sets, if they acquired enough attention. And if Lego deems it worth the time and effort to work out a deal with the owners of the I.P. The "Sonic Mania" design went viral, earned the proper amount of signatures, and was soon approved. We were getting a proper Lego set to go with the little Dimensions pack.

Well, it's out now. I bought it, as a late Christmas present to myself, and put it together over the last two days. Probably to tie in with Sega's 30th anniversary plans, the set was completely redesigned to replicate the first level of the original "Sonic the Hedgehog" game. And I imagine this was also done to make the set cheaper to produce, to sell at a more reasonable cost, as the "Mania" design featured a giant Death Egg robot. I would've loved to put that together but I'm not sure how many other people would be willing to spend 200 dollars or whatever on that toy. 

Like all Ideas set, even the packaging for this is beautiful. It comes in a sturdy, suitcase style box with lots of lovely photographs of the set on it. The instruction manual is also really cute and detailed. The front of the booklet replicates the start screen for "Sonic 1," while the back features the end screen. There's an extremely condensed timeline of the "Sonic" franchise. As you progress through the instruction, a tiny Sonic mini figure is shown running along the bottom of the book. He even jumps back and loses rings when you put the two Badniks — a Crabmeat and MotoBug — included with the set together. It's really adorable and well done.

The set is separated into seven bags and this comes with a cute feature too. Each bag includes a little Chaos Emerald, that you can plug into Sonic's base as you assemble the rest of the package. Touches like that prove that a lot of love was built into this adult collectible, that real fans had a hand in making this a reality. 

As for the set proper, obviously it's ridiculously cool. A lot of features from the Green Hill Zone are rendered in building bricks in novel ways. That includes a massive loop to run through, a palm tree, the sun flowers, a checkpoint post, and a wooden bridge over a stream. Rings can be attached to clear plastic rods, which you attach to the back of the set, to give the illusion of rings floating throughout the "level." A similar trick is done with a floating platform, which can attach to two clear "window" pieces above the hoop. My favorite detail is a big red spring, which actually works thanks to a little lever you build into the foundation.

Seeing the Green Hill Zone recreated so faithfully in Lego bricks is a lot of fun. Turning old video games into Lego sets is a logical choice, since the bricks can easily replicate blocky pixels. The checkered pattern of the game zone is nicely represented here. Even if it means you're going to be spending a lot of time meticulously snapping small, light brown pieces to equally small but slightly darker brown pieces. They even include Sonic's life meter in the corner of the set, via a sticker. There's also a sticker containing a small bit of code that you adhere to the back. Nice touch.

The Sonic mini figure appears to be the same one from the Lego Dimensions set. Which isn't really a complaint because he's adorable. Similarity, the little Crabmeat and MotoBug you put together also look really good and cute. The MotoBug comes with two different stickers, showing a placid face and an angry face, that you can trade out. (There's also two monitors you put together, which has five power-up stickers you can swap.) I do wish the Badnik's trademark single wheel was a little better represented but I understand that the route they went instead — rounded pieces that easily connect to the set — was probably more practical. The Crabmeat also looks good, though he doesn't attach as easily to the rest of the build. 

If I've seen any criticism towards this set, it's been for the Eggman/Robotnik portion. While Sonic is a standard mini-fig, just with a unique head, Robotnik you actually assemble. This was probably the better choice, as Lego doesn't really make "fat" minifigs and Eggman should be bigger than Sonic anyway. There's a lot of neat tricks used to assemble the doctor, regular Lego pieces being repurposed to make the shape of his body. But he does look a little goofy, made out of blocky bricks like this. The Egg-Mobile looks beautiful as a Lego set though. Honestly, I would've purchased that as a stand-alone release, I like it so much. 

Another minor bit of criticism I'd offer was also, perhaps, unavoidable. The set is so determined to replicate the experience of playing the Genesis game that everything stretches out vertically. You essentially put together the different components and snap them next to each other. It does flatten the dynamism of Lego bricks as a medium a little bit, putting them together left-to-right like that. I'm not sure what other way there'd be to set this up though, so just ignore this paragraph.

As far as construction difficulty and time investment goes, I don't think the "Sonic" set is too bad. It's sturdier and less complicated than some other Ideas sets I've put together. I guess making it one long horizontal platform was beneficial in that regard. It took me maybe four or so hours to put the whole thing together, which isn't bad for a Lego set of this size. Keep in mind, dropping some of the pieces used to make Eggman's ass and crouching around on the floors looking for them, contributed to that chunk of time. That kind of shit always happens to me.

I hope this well enough to justify doing more Sonic-themed Lego sets. There's certainly a ton more they could do. I might have to see if I can customize mine a little by adding a wrecking ball to Robotnik's craft. And I still want to put that Death Egg robot together. Obviously, I'd love to have some other "Sonic" cast members in mini-figure form. Even my girlfriend pointed out that this set doesn't come with Tails or Knuckles. (I resisted the temptation to explain to her that, of course it doesn't. This is based off the first game, Tails and Knuckles hadn't been introduced yet. And that's why we're still together.) You can buy bootleg figures of other "Sonic" characters, some of which I might pick up, so the demand is obviously there. Lego and Sega just have to go for it. 

Any criticisms I have are truly just nitpicks. This is a great set, full of lovable tidbits for fans that is fairly easy to assemble and holds together nicely. If you're a fan of both "Sonic" and Lego... We'll, you definitely already own this. But if you're a "Sonic" dork who hasn't put a Lego set together in years, I'd still suggest you pick this thing up. It's fun to put together and fun to play with after that's all done. Ideas sets sometimes have short runs, depending on how well they sell, so you might want to be fast —  like someone else I could name — if you're looking to get it. 

30 Years of Sonic Fandom

On this date, thirty years ago, the very first "Sonic the Hedgehog" video game was released for the Sega Genesis. Congratulations, Sonic, you're officially middle-aged. Buy a boat and start planning your retirement. Despite wildly divergent highs and lows over all that time, "Sonic" is somehow still relevant to our modern world. Sega has done everything they can to hype up this significant anniversary, though one assumes bigger plans were hijacked by the collective clusterfuck that was 2020. Either way, the "Sonic" franchise has now survived three decades, which is way longer than I think anyone ever could've anticipated back in 1991. 

Obviously, Hedgehogs Can't Swim wasn't going to let this momentous occasion pass without some sort of acknowledgment. Today, the pop culture and gaming press is surely full of all sorts of retrospectives, tracking the series' tumultuous and unexpected history over these past thirty years. You don't need me to regurgitate trivia and factoids that can be easily found anywhere else on the internet. Instead, I'm taking this magical day to talk about something far more self-indulgent: My history with "Sonic the Hedgehog," my story as a fan of whatever the hell this series is. 

I was almost three years old when the very first "Sonic the Hedgehog" game was unleashed on the world. By some twist of fate, I almost share a birthday with my favorite multi-media franchise. The original game came out exactly one day before I turned three. That's young enough that I have no specific memories of the first game's release. In fact, as I've mentioned before, I'm not even sure when I first became aware of the blue hedgehog. The earliest memory I actually retain about "Sonic" is also one I've talked about before: That would be watching a clip of "SatAM" on ABC's 1993 prime time preview of that year's new cartoon shows. 

I also know I saw ads for the original game in issues of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Magazine, which I thumbed through repeatedly as a kid as the Turtles were my first pop culture obsession. Those ads might very well be my first exposure to anything "Sonic" related. Either way, it was the cartoon show and the comic book, which I discovered shortly afterwards, that made me the true blue hedgehog fanatic that I am today.

I imagine this experience is not typical of "Sonic" fans my age. Most of you guys probably played the video game first. Because money wasn't always easy to come by in my childhood household, and because my mother thought video games were noisy and annoying, I didn't receive my own Sega Genesis until a few years later. I'm pretty sure I didn't get my Genesis until my seventh birthday, in June of 1995. I can recall with great detail how I got this console: My mom took me to Toys R' Us and had me pick out some Genesis games that she said were for a family member's birthday. I selected "Sonic 3," "Dr. Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine" and "Tiny Toon Adventures: Buster's Hidden Treasure." Being a naïve child, I bought right into this easily seen-through deception, a parent ignorant of gaming tricking her child into picking out his own gifts. Pretty sneaky, Mom! 

When I unwrapped those games on my birthday I was shocked and delighted. Because kids are dumb but also precious. I can assure you that "Sonic 3" and "Mean Bean Machine" were the first "Sonic" games I ever played. And I kind of sucked at both of them, having trouble getting through the first few levels. Yet I was still sucked in. I quickly acquired "Sonic 1," "2," "& Knuckles," "Spinball," and even "3D Blast." When we got our first PC a few years later, I even had a copy of "Sonic Schoolhouse," though I can't recall playing it more than once. While I never owned one myself, I did have a friend with a Sega CD and a copy of "Sonic CD," which allowed me to marvel at the opening animation and stumble through the first couple stages. 

Obviously, I spent many hours playing those games, wasting huge chunks of my childhood on pixels and controllers. "Sonic 2" and the singular, detached "Sonic & Knuckles" cartage became my favorites and are the only two I ever mastered as a kid. While I love and respect those original games, it's fair to say they aren't my favorite iteration of the "Sonic" universe. I can recall, as a young boy, wanting nothing more than for Sally and the Freedom Fighters to appear in one of the games. Imagine how bug nuts I went when I discovered their cameos in "Sonic Spinball." 

This is because, as I've said over and over again on this blog, the Archie comic book is really what turned me into a "Sonic" obsessive. I've been trying to figure out why this goofy comic book – which obviously had more than its fair share of shitty issues – meant so much to me. And I think I've finally cracked it: It was another world. Sonic's universe was colorful and crazy and full of lovable characters. It was a place that felt distinct from our world, with conflicts and melodramas that were bigger yet simpler than those of real life. It had depth too. Those early issues introduced new characters, story concepts, and ideas so quickly and sloppily that a convoluted lore quickly built up. As longtime readers of the comic and this blog know, those issues could also get surprisingly dark at times.

It was easy to get lost in this wonderland. When things got hard at home and in my young life, which they often did, I was always able to get lost in those comic books. More so than any thematic concerns or storytelling hooks, that's why "Sonic" means so much to me. As ridiculous as it feels to type this, those books became a source of comfort for me. And continued to be one for two decades, this comic ostensibly for children oddly finding a way to age with me. This might be why it bugged me so much when the reboot introduced regular humans to the comic's world, as it made the Archie universe resemble our world more. I don't want "Sonic" to resemble our world! I want it to be a wild and crazy place with its own weird-ass mythos and rules. 

It was an escape that was only for me too, making it feel even more impossibly personal. While I certainly knew kids and had friends who played the "Sonic" games and watched the cartoons, I was the only person I knew that was into the comic. This is probably why this stupid-ass funny animal book became part of my fuckin personality, because it sometimes felt like it was made just for me. As the decade went on and "Sonic's" popularity faded somewhat, I retreated even more into my obsession and started writing long-winded stories and fan comics about these characters and their world. I wanted to be a part of this universe that I loved so much. That desire expressed itself in fanfic ideas that may or may not have featured an overpowered self-insert character. 

I call these fanfics but they were more like ideas, episode synopses and scripts for non-existent TV shows and movies, because I didn't know what the fuck fan fiction was at the time. That all changed when I got online around 1998 or so. The first "Sonic" website I can recall finding was called The Sonic Foundation and it blew my fucking mind. There were other people out there like me! Who also knew about this shit and obsessed over it and wrote shitty stories where they got to hang out with their favorite characters! It was a real "eureka" moment, let me tell ya.

I quickly delve into the world of "Sonic" fandom, finding other sites and chat rooms and fanfic archives that took up too much of my time. This was so long ago that Google wasn't even popular yet and I had to use WebCrawler to search out primitive "Sonic" fan sites. Such as the homes of outed predator PsyGuy and future "Sonic" professionals like Tyson Hesse and J. Axer. I even pushed my limited HTML skills to the breaking point and attempted to create my own "Sonic" site on Angelfire, which shamefully still exists and I will definitely not link you to. Whether or not my ill-begotten attempts at fanfics and – shivers – sprite comics still survive, I thankfully can't tell you.

I was growing into a moody, emotionally disaffected, edgy pre-teen by this point. The world was about to get a lot darker, for everybody it seemed, and I was pleased to find other "Sonic" fans undergoing similar transformations. It wasn't hard at all to find comics and fanfics filled with edge-lord jokes and inappropriate darkness around that time. Fan-writers like David Macintyre, Stephen Zacharus, and some goofy goobers named Sean Catlett and Ian Potto became people I admired and looked up to. In a roundabout way, this led me on my own path towards attempting to become a professional writer, which is really a story for another day.

By this point, the nineties were over and we were all living in a strange new millennium. Among the many crazy changes I was grappling with at that time, the "Sonic" franchise underwent its biggest change ever. The launch of the Sega Dreamcast and the release of "Sonic Adventure" made the series popular again, if not as popular as it was during its early nineties heyday. The "modern" era of Sonic – which is now twenty years old – would signal a radical shift in game play and something like a change in attitude for the franchise. The stories became more involved, feeling increasingly like something out of an anime. It brought with it an influx of new fans, with "Sonic Adventure 2" really firing the imaginations of younger hedgehog appreciators. 

This, in my opinion, is when the "Sonic" fandom started to get weird. The internet was becoming more of a widespread thing, exposing the stranger corners of the fandom to a wider audience. The popularity of websites like DeviantArt and LiveJournal gave a voice to a lot of talented people and a lot of other people who probably shouldn't have had their voices amplified. The franchise going in a different direction intensified the petty debates between the opposing corners of the fandom. (Which, owning to the very different interpretations of the character that we're out there, we're already pretty far apart.) This, from my point-of-view, is when the Sonic fandom started to develop a reputation for being terrible.

Eventually, Sega stopped making consoles. Not too long after that, the games stopped being good. The franchise shattering failure of "Sonic '06" led the people who make "Sonic" games in increasingly offbeat directions – like adding guns or swords or making Sonic a werewolf for some reason – in a desperate attempt to keep people interested. This did little to rehabilitate the franchise and did even less for the fandom. Now there was this perception that we were all devotees of a loser, over-the-hill series that was bad now and was maybe always bad. Circa 2009 or so, saying you were a "Sonic" fan was about analogous to saying you were a furry pervert or a racist autist.

Unsurprisingly, this is when I started to distance myself from "Sonic." I was a young adult in college at the time and really had more important shit to do anyway. Yes, I was still reading the comic book and loving that it was actually good again around this time. Yet I stopped playing the games. I didn't watch the cartoons. I hid my merch when I had girlfriends over and only mentioned my long-held fascination to my closest friends. My initial launch of this blog in 2010, which only saw a few updates before I abandoned it, was actually a failed attempt to get back in-touch with my "Sonic" fandom. To figure out why I was so into this thing that was now regarded as a laughingstock. 

Yet the damage had been done. Over the last decade, the "Sonic" franchise had mutated in a lot of ways I don't recognize. I stopped buying video games altogether. "Generations" and "Mania" are really the only entries into the series I've played much since I turned 21. When people mention the "boost formula" or start arguing if Jason Griffith or Roger Craig Smith were better, I really have no idea what they're talking about. This is why I was dismissive of characters like Silver, Blaze, and the Babylon Rogues for so long. They were unwanted additions to a series that had, in my opinion, forgotten itself. 

It felt like a strange time to be a "Sonic" fan. Yet, for a lot of fans, this is the only version of the series they've known. The franchise may have felt like it was flatlining and the fandom sure seemed like it was rotting from the inside out. Still, the "Sonic" community survived and grew. When I do interact with other fans, via this blog and Twitter and Discord, I still feel out-of-place sometimes. I'm an old foggey who has been around since almost the beginning, which means I can't relate with some fans. Yet, these days, I'm largely at peace with the realization that some parts of the vast "Sonic"-verse are for me and some parts of it aren't. Starting to shift this blog less from an investigation into fandom and more of a collection of retrospective reviews helped me understand that. 

On its 30th anniversary, in a weird way, the "Sonic" series feels healthier than it's been a long time. The rehabilitation really started five years ago, during the last anniversary, when “Sonic Mania” became the first game in the series to receive unanimous praise in many, many years. The following big budget game was less well received but the fallout from that seems to be that Sega has learned to actually take time between titles, instead of rushing them out. The corporate entities behind “Sonic” got good at memes. A new comic began, garnering positive attention from people both in and outside the family. A movie that, at first, looked like a catastrophe was turned around at the last minute. The movie rode its status as the last major release before a global pandemic shut theaters down to surprising levels of success. Now, a sequel has finished filming and a new cartoon show is quickly approaching. 

In 2020, “Sonic” is still kind of a laughingstock but he's in on the joke now. The weird-ass legacy of the series is accepted and the blue hedgehog seems to be regarded with warm nostalgia by a lot of people. Though toxic behavior will always exist in any fandom, “Sonic” fans do seem to have chilled out somewhat and aren't the regular punching bags they once were. I guess I would say I'm cautiously optimistic about the franchise's future and am no longer ashamed to be a “Sonic” fan. It's part of who I am and I'm cool with that.

If you read this entire rambling essay, thanks for sticking around. Race onward into your third decade, blue hedgehog, and be proud of all you've accomplished. As for me, I guess I'll continue to chronicle these adventures. I seem to enjoy doing so. 

Weird Sonic Stuff I Want for Christmas

As a franchise that has existed for over twenty years, “Sonic the Hedgehog” has produced a lot of  tie-in products. Considering Sonic was from the beginning, and continues to be, kind of a weird series, it's not surprising that some of these tie-in products are a little funky. A bit strange, ya know what I mean? My personal “Sonic” collection is pretty modest, as far as these things go. Aside from my nearly complete Archie Sonic collection, I have a handful of figures, some old plushes, and all my original Genesis games. But that's it. Nothing too special. 

If money and space were no object, I would absolutely own a bunch of weird “Sonic” shit. In the spirit of the Christmas season, to celebrate this most capitalistic of American traditions, I've decided to list eight strange bits of “Sonic” merchandise that I sure would like Santa Claus to bring me this year. 

8. Japanese Sonic Curry!

This is the most “basic bitch” of my picks tonight. Back in 2018, this officially licensed Japanese curry product went viral. Yes, it was basically an easily prepared meal of rice and bright blue curry, that the diner was encouraged to shape into the general outline of Sonic's head. While many found the bright blue color of the curry disturbing, those who actually ate the product described it as relatively tasty... Though with the unsightly side effect of staining your bowl movements bright blue. But that's a small price to pay for getting a chance to say you ate, digested, and shitted Sonic the Hedgehog. 

The Sonic curry doesn't seem to be readily available anymore but, if you do stumble across a package, it's probably safer to eat than a can of Franco-American Sonic pasta would be. 

7. Sonic Dance Power CDs!

In Europe, Sonic seems have experienced a similar life cycle to what he had here in America. That is to say: While the series has survived thanks to die-hard fans, the franchise has never reached the heights of its early-to-mid-nineties popularity. At the same time Sonic was arguably the most popular and beloved video game character, another pop culture trend was blazing its way through Europe: Electronic dance music! 

In 1995, some genius in the Netherlands had the idea to mash up these two fads. The result was the “Sonic Dance Power” series of CDs. The “Sonic” connection usually extended no further than the front of the CD cases. Sonic and friends would grace the covers, sometimes depicted as stock art and sometimes brought to life by slightly off-model original illustration. Musically, the songs had nothing to do with Sonic and were a random collection of then popular dance numbers. 

If you look at the songs, only a few names jump out as recognizable. Genuine star acts – Bobby Brown, Aaliyah, Coolio, the Backstreet Boys, Blackstreet, the Prodigy – stand alongside Eurodance one-hit-wonders – Corona, Rednex, Haddaway, Captain Jack, Scatman John, the Outhere Brothers – and a bunch of other acts I've never heard of. Scanning the track list, I even see techno remixes of familiar songs like “Colors of the Wind,” “Total Eclipse of the Heart,” “The X-Files” theme song and even “Hava Nagila!” 

As fascinating a collision of nineties pop culture debris as this is, an interest in Eurodance is not the main reason I'd like to own the Sonic Dance Power CDs. It's because some of these songs are notoriously vulgar. “Lick It" by 20 Fingers is an ode to oral sex. “I Wanna Be a Hippy” by Technohead expounds on the joys of marijuana use. “Useless Man” by Minty features a string of naughty words. Several tracks from a group calling themselves Tokyo Ghetto Pussy were featured. That is simply hilarious. And, considering volume eight was packaged with a demo for 'Sonic & Knuckles Collection,” we can assume this was all officially licensed by Sega. Boy, they were really asleep at the wheel at the time!

6. French Sonic figurines!

There have been a lot of “Sonic” figurines produced over the years. Usually, the line-up doesn't extend too far beyond Sonic and his most famous video game pals. If you find a toy of Big the Cat or some of the classic Badniks, that's a rare discovery. In 1997, the French company Feve produced a series of “Sonic” figures made of fine china. While Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, and the “AoStH” version of Robotnik were present in this line, there were a few deeper cuts too. Such as a Flicky – which is brown, despite being named as a bluebird – a Burrobot, and obscure animal friend Ricky the Squirrel... Who is identified as Sally Acorn. While the paint applications are pretty spotty, I'd still love to own these rare items. They pop on eBay occasionally, at high prices. 

5. Sonic Bubble Bath Bottles!

You might be noticing a reoccurring theme with my wish list here... Around 1995, USA cosmetic company Avon released a trio of “Sonic” themed shampoo/conditioners for kids. Each bottle was topped with a soft plastic “finger puppet” toy. This included Sonic, Knuckles, and Sally. As any longtime Archie Sonic/SatAM fan knows, merchandise of Sally is extremely rare. I'm not sure how Avon went about selecting her, but I'm guessing they hoped to appeal to girls as much as boys with this product line. And Sally was more prominent in the franchise at the time than Amy Rose was. The finger puppet of Sally has slightly dead eyes and a weird mouth but still looks pretty good. 

People online are all too aware of the mixture of rarity and fan devotion around these characters, which is why a bottle of the Sally shampoo is currently selling on eBay for 750 dollars. Will some rich furry drop a hard-earned chunk of cash on a bit of rubber? Probably. (The Knuckles and Sonic ones are pretty cool looking too.)

4. Sonic the Fighter Plushes!

Like I said, if you're a “Sonic” collector who is devoted to just collecting likenesses of the blue hedgehog, Tails, or Knuckles, you could easily fill an entire room with the various toys and stuffed animals based on them. (And some people have done just that.) But, if you're like me and are equally interested in the more obscure cast members, you'll have a lot more trouble finding much merchandise for them... With a few exceptions. When “Sonic the Fighter” was released in Japan in 1997, plush toys of each of the game's characters were released. They were available exclusively through “UFO Catchers,” which were basically fancy claw machines. 

So, yes, plushies of Bark the Bear, Bean the Duck, Nack the Weasel, and Espio the Chameleon were produced. Which is pretty cool. They look adorable and I'd love to have one. I've never seen one go up for sale but I imagine they would sell for a lot. 

3. Restaurant displays!

It may not surprise you to read that it's just not obscure movies and blue hedgehogs that I'm obsessed with. Yes, I do have a soft spot for restaurant advertising ephemera. Especially with anything related to my nostalgia for childhood Happy Meals and similar things. I was obsessed with Happy Meal toys as a kid, collecting them with a hunger far more ravenous than I had for any cheeseburgers. Whenever visiting the lobby of the fast food palace, I always ran up to the Happy Meal toy display. These often placed the toys and figures in elaborate play sets, often resembling whatever show or movie the characters originated in.

For the “Sonic the Hedgehog 3” tie-in – obviously among my favorite of any Happy Meal prizes – McDonalds put together a beautiful display based on the first level of “Sonic 3.” There's a cliff, a beach, some vines, and a palm tree that even includes a hiding Monkey Boy Badnik. I can't tell you how much I would've loved to have owned a display like this as a kid, that I could've marched my Sonic toys around. My own personal Castle Greyskull for tiny Sega shenanigans. 

Also, when Denny's was selling a pair of plushes based on the “Underground” versions of Sonic and Knuckles, they also had a pretty neat lobby display. Not as cool as the McDonald's one, owing to it being a lot less toyetic, but still kind of neat. These items also occasionally get listed on eBay, with absurd price tags attached. 

2. Sonic Obama Backpack!

Being a widely recognized pop culture icon, lots of bootleg and knock-off Sonic merchandise has surfaced over the years. Some time late last decade, a mysterious image appeared online. It displayed a backpack printed with a picture of a badly mis-colored classic Sonic. A number 10 was on his belly. Above his head were the words “Harry Potter.” To his left, in big letters, was “OBAMA.” This image was so baffling that it couldn't help but immediately become a meme. Why would a bootlegger randomly mash up these three ingredients? If they were just attempting to throw together three popular things, why include Sonic, who was far past his peak popularity by the time Barack Hussein got elected? If you were going to pick Sonic, why go with the classic design for similar reasons? 

Nobody knows where the Obama-Harry-Potter-Sonic image originated from. Nobody has ever been able to procure an actual specimen of this notorious item, though replications can be easily found. The mystery of why the Sonic Obama backpack was made, or where it came from, is only further elevated by the question of if it even existing in the first place. Obviously, if someone was able to get their hands on an original one of these backpacks, it would be the proud centerpiece of any “Sonic” collection.

1. The Sega World Sydney Relics!

One of these days I'm going to have to talk in more detail about Sega World Sydney, a doomed in-door amusement park Sega owned and operated in Australia's most opera-house-adjacent city. Or, at least, I would talk about it if the theme park's Quixotic existence hadn't been well documented in several other places around the internet. For a hyper-nerdy breed of “Sonic” fan, Sega World Sydney is especially a point of fascination. Alongside the usual suspects, Princess Sally was one of the mascot characters of the park. If you're reading this, you probably already know that this twist of fate is what saved the character during Archie Comic's “Endgame” story arc from Ken Penders' cruel whims.

Sally's prominent placement in this destined-to-failed enterprise came with it a great deal of merchandise. For Archie Sonic fanatics, these items have become much desired Holy Grails. An incredibly ugly plush was produced of our favorite princess, with a hand puppet seemingly being made based off the same design. A collectible water bottle allowed hardcore fans the opportunity to drink liquids right out of Princess Sally's head. A bendy action figure is probably the coolest of these Sally relics. Her likeness also graced entrance cards, cardboard cups, and T-shirts. As you've probably guessed, this stuff has become highly sought after collector's items and goes for astronomical prices on eBay. 

Sega was so sure that Princess Sally could be the Minnie Mouse of their private Disney Land, they even produced a life-sized costume for park employees to roam around in. Which was also utilized in a live musical based on “Sonic” that was performed in the park, something I'm definitely going to write about for this blog some day. Most prominently of all was the  life-sized statues of Sonic and Sally that greeted every customer who visited the park. Three years ago, a fan discovered the remains of the statues – or one of the statues anyway – moldering in an Australian junk yard. There have been few updates since then. 

Anyway, those are eight “Sonic” related pieces of junks I'd like to own but probably never will. Thanks for reading! Moreover, thanks for sticking with Hedgehogs Can't Swim through this tumultuous year and the blog's recent lack of updates! I've currently got updates banked up through March, so I'm guaranteed to keep posting until at least then. In the meanwhile, Merry Christmas and happy holidays. If you are reading this, I'm glad you survived 2020. Let's keep going into the scary future together. 

SO ABOUT THAT “SONIC” MOVIE TRAILER...

You may recall, back in March, I wrote a long, rambling response to the concept art for the live-action “Sonic” movie that had just been leaked at the time. At the end of that article, I promised another doubtlessly long reaction would arrive after the trailer for the movie came out.

Well, as I’m sure you know, the trailer came out last week. The reaction from fans and the mainstream entertainment media was about as negative as you could imagine. The internet spent most of last week memeing on the movie hardcore and it doesn’t seem like it’ll slow down any time soon. Everybody hated it. My girlfriend, who could best be described as tolerant of my “Sonic” fandom, said the trailer “degrades” Sonic. Even my sister, who never texts me, texted me specifically to say it looked bad.

If you read my last essay/rant/response, you know I was desperately trying to stay optimistic about the film, being a long time “Sonic” and movie fan who has long dreamed about two of my passions coming together. Yet even I was defeated. After watching the trailer last week, I felt physically bad. I had to lay down for a few minutes afterwards. I wish I was exaggerating for comedic effect. It’s been a week, which is not enough time for the healing to begin but has been enough time for me to gather my thoughts.

So let’s do a bit of a blow-by-blow on my thoughts about this already infamous trailer. I will admit, the opening seconds got me hyped. Seeing Power Rings encircled the Paramount logo, hearing those famous sound effects in a cinematic context, the SEGA logo appearing on-screen, it touched a deeply nerdy part of me inside my soul. As a wise man said years ago, next, a blue streak speeds by. There are rushing POV shots of Sonic speeding through the forest. It’s pretty cool! “Hey,” my brain thought, “this looks okay!”

And then Sonic puts a tape in a cassette in a tape player with his weird, creepy monkey hands, and my heart started to sink. That shot really emphasizes that the film is deliberately aping “Guardians of the Galaxy,” obviously hopeful that Sonic will be this year’s Rocket Raccoon. The resulting musical choice of Coolio’s “Gangster’s Paradise,” which scores about half the trailer, has been widely mocked. And rightfully so. Associating Sonic with nineties nostalgia was a smart move but associating him with a young black man trying to survive in a crime-infested inner city setting probably wasn’t. Moreover, “Gangster’s Paradise” is a slow, dirge-like song. Don’t we want to associate Sonic with speed, most of all?

Now, let’s talk about Sonic’s appearance, since that is what most people have been reacting so strongly too. When those pictures leaked, I said it looked okay. But seeing a static image of something and seeing it in motion are two very different things. There is, admittedly, something off-putting about live action Sonic. From certain angles, it looks okay. I think that close-up on the face is alright. But the limps are too long, the proportions too human-like. Sonic runs right into the Uncanny Valley. He looks less like the hedgehog we know and love and more like an abominable combination of human child, ape, and Grover’s evil twin. There’s even something weird about Ben Schwartz’ voice coming out of this thing.

And all of that is before Sonic opens his mouth. Let’s talk about the teeth, shall we? Those weird, perfectly white and small teeth. I think the choice to give Sonic human-like baby teeth is emblematic of the bad design decision made during the film’s production. In a cartoon, you hardly ever notice Sonic’s teeth. Because how he chews his food isn’t important. Something similar can be said of his fingers. Sonic wears cartoon gloves because having realistic, human-like hands is not essential to his character. The filmmakers, for some reason, decided to emphasize realism with a character that is pretty fucking far from realistic. I know I previously said you couldn’t just swap in cartoon Sonic into the real world setting and call it a day. But some better compromise between the film’s real world setting and the character’s inherent ridiculousness should’ve been reached.

Yet, as bad as the design is, I don't think it's what is really bugging me about this trailer. I was able to enjoy Platinum Dunes' second “Ninja Turtles” movie because, despite the hellish character designs, the film understood those characters. A concern I previously expressed about the project was that it would mirror “Hop” or any number of other family films about small, annoying, CGI animals bothering a boring, straight-man actor. And, yeah, the trailer seems to point in that direction. While I think the movie wants to be hipper than that, the level of humor on display suggests that's about where it is. Sonic going “Meow!” upon being discovered or a crack about stinky gym bags – with a really baffling lead-up involving kidnapped children – does not present the comedic cutting edge.

By why should we expect the general character dynamics of the movie to be of any interest at all when the film doesn't seem to have much of an identity of its own at all? Since the trailer's release last week, it's been compared non-stop to the “Detective Pikachu” trailer, as both are video game adaptations about a CGI animal having an adventure with a human. While comparisons like that I think are ultimately a futile gesture, it proves a good point about “Sonic.” Look at the “Pkachu” trailer. The cinematography is eye-catching, with a light noir atmosphere and an expressive use of warm colors. Moreover, that film clearly takes place in a detail-filled world, the city and its surroundings having a sense of character beyond the characters themselves.

“Sonic,” meanwhile, is flatly lit in bright, almost TV sitcom-like fashion. The film is apparently largely set in San Francisco but there's little indication of that in the few shots of the city we get in the trailer. There's none of that particular flavor here. “Sonic” could be set in any city, in any country. It's all green forest, generic small town roads, and identity-lacking skyscrapers. In other words, “Sonic” looks boring. (Notably, “Pikachu's” cinematographer was offered “Sonic,” turned it down, and hasn't hesitated to share his thoughts on the rival project.)

That “Sonic” looks so uninteresting is frankly bullshit as, any regular reader of this blog knows, “Sonic” lore is full of all sorts of weird mythology, strange world, and elaborate backstory. It does not seem the movie is drawing on any of that. Instead, Sonic generates surprisingly deadly EMPs and has some sort of electrical abilities, because all super-fast characters are the same. There's a callback to “Sonic X's” notorious theme song. In one line of dialogue, Sonic mentions “saving your planet,” which suggests to me the plot will involve a “Sonic X-” like planet or dimensional jump. But that's about it as far as hints at the franchise's wider world goes. The trailer seems to indicate that the “Sonic the Hedgehog” film was not made by fans.

Which brings us to the trailer's presentation of Robotnik. We already knew this would be a radically different take on the character, since Jim Carrey does not look like any previous iteration of Sonic's arch-foe. And, really, I don't care if Robotnik is skinny, wears a trench coat, and is some sort of government agent or contractor. If anything, he seems like one of the more faithful elements of the film. This Robotnik still has a red color scheme, a mustache, tiny goggles or glasses, and builds robots. He even seems to be piloting an Egg Mobile or a similar vehicle in one scene. Carrey's performance comes off as kind of obnoxious but, well, that's what you hire Jim Carrey for, isn't it? He looks like he's having fun and it's a been a while since we've seen Carrey give a really over-the-top, physical performance like this. All the press for the film seems to indicate the character will be called “Robotnik,” which I prefer to “Eggman,” though I'm still fully expecting that nickname to be referenced in some capacity.

It's not the version of Robotnik I would've written but at least it looks interesting, which makes it one of the bright spots in the trailer. There are a few other moments like that. One shot involves Sonic throwing a Power Ring around and opening a portal. (This also seems to hint that the story will involve dimensional or interplanetary travel.) While I kind of doubt this is a reference to the comic's Warp Rings, I still like the potential connection there. I also enjoyed the sequence where Sonic is moving so fast that all the enemies around him are standing still. That's a mildly clever action beat. The Fitbit joke beforehand isn't funny but does seem like the kind of thing Sonic would say.

Frankly, the moment in the trailer giving me the most hope is a brief one at the very end. Right before the trailer ends, we see a shot of Carrey's Robotnik with a shaved head and a bushier mustache. His red and black suit is torn up in a way indicative of the classic game design, right before he pulls his goggles over his eyes. He stands among a bunch of giant mushroom, which might be a reference to “Sonic and Knuckles'” Mushroom Hill Zone. It's the moment in the trailer that most resembles the video game's world and the only scene with any real personality. That one shot actually looks like a proper “Sonic” movie.

It's also, I suspect, a giant tease. Given its already apparent vast divergences from established “Sonic” lore, I kind of doubt a more faithful “Sonic” movie is hidden somewhere inside this film. What's more likely is that this little scene is probably from the near the end of the movie. This “Sonic” will probably be one of those adaptations like the “G.I. Joe” movie, that act as extended prequels to the version of the franchise we actually care about, optimistically saving all the good shit for a sequel that may or may not ever be made. This is a bullshit practice, of course, and one inclined towards failure. How about giving people what they want and expect on the first go-around, instead of jerking us off by being all meta and above the material and shit?

Especially since the film's box office future seems grim. When your trailer is met with anguished wails and countless jokes – this one was my favorite – it seems hard to imagine people will line up for this motion picture. The reaction was so brutal and so swift that, mere days after the trailer's release, director Jeff Fowler went on Twitter and promised that Sonic will be re-designed before the movie. I have a lot of thoughts about this and they are mostly negative too.

First off, I feel bad for the movie's VFX team. An overall of Sonic's design, even a minor one, means all the CGI in the movie will have to be redone, within six months of the movie's release. Animators are already treated like shit in Hollywood and six months of guaranteed all-nighters is going to be hell for them. Similarly, rushing to redo a movie's effects months before its release is how we ended up with Henry Cavill's plastic upper lip. It's hard to imagine an extensive and practically last minute revamping like this will improve the movie. It's not like they are completely rewriting the film either. Not to mention this change will also screw over merchandise tie-ins, which are presumably already set in stone.

And, no, I'm not buying any conspiracy theories that this was done on purpose, as some ass-backwards attempt to generate publicity. Big budget film production doesn't work that way. A more likely explanation is that no redesigns are forthcoming and this announcement was just a bullshit attempt to deflect criticism.

Either way, any changes should have happened before filming even started, before the final draft of the script was approved. Not now, when the damage is already done. Even if they do manage to pull off this complete CGI overhaul and still keep that November release date, which will be a fucking miracle, the “Sonic” movie will probably already be remembered as a massive misstep from a franchise already famous for its mistakes. (Though I guess it would be in-keeping with “Sonic” history if the movie was rushed out for a Christmas release date...)

I suppose the possibility remains that the finished product will surprise me. I would love that. Despite what the rest of the “Sonic” fandom might make you think, I sincerely do want this franchise to be good, popular, and successful. But my expectations remain very low. Once again, my bare minimum hope is that the movie avoids being a complete and total fiasco, that it ends up being competent. It was all foretold from the beginning, that a “Sonic” movie would be a mess. I knew the pain was coming but it hurts nevertheless. To quote someone much smarter than me...

Some Thoughts on the Upcoming "Sonic" Movie

Recently, the internet has been all abuzz about the upcoming live-action “Sonic the Hedgehog” movie. And, as is all too typical of this franchise, the buzz has been largely negative. When a pair of teaser posters were revealed in December of 2018, showing little of this version of Sonic aside from his disturbingly muscular thighs, fans were horrified. Memes were quickly spawned and everyone had a good time dunking on this movie that won’t even be out for another eight months. More recently, clearly lit, full-body shots of Sonic’s movie redesign leaked. These too were greeted with jeers and disgusted scowls from many corners of the internet. The film’s production company quickly clarified that this is not the final design that will appear in the movie, which screams of damage control to me. Regardless of the exact details, we have a pretty good idea of what Sonic will look like in this movie. And most people hate it.

But perhaps I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s go back, way back, back before this iteration of Sonic was even a gleaming in some producer’s eye. See, I think most “Sonic” fans, especially in the modern era, come to the character through the video games. They would probably define themselves as “gamers” or what-have-you. I, on the other hand, have never been that plugged into the gaming world, save for my occasional love affair with a Dreamcast or Genesis. My primary fandom is film and has been most of my life. I’ve seen way too many movies. Most of my writing revolves around it.

So, I’m being one-hundred percent serious when I say I have been dreaming of a “Sonic the Hedgehog” movie most of my life. As a kid, I hoped for an animated feature adapted from Archie’s comic books, of course. In my twenties, I even kicked around the idea of writing my perfect “Sonic” movie. It would’ve fused early game lore with SatAM, naturally. Sonic and Tails’ quest to rescue their purloined “uncle” would bring them into an alliance with Princess Sally and the Freedom Fighters, defending the world against Robotnik’s Eggman Empire.

I envisioned a sinister Robotnik, obsessed with bringing order to a chaotic world. (Brian Cox in full-on Hannibal mode was my dream casting.) The last act would’ve featured Sonic battling his archenemy on the Death Egg. A half-roboticized Bunnie was among the Mobians the Freedom Fighters rescue before Robotnik’s warship takes to the skies. In my brain, the film would’ve had cartoony characters in photorealistic settings. Amy Rose, Bean the Duck, and the Tornado had small roles to play. I wanted a “hard PG” rating, if that makes any sense. An even more imaginary sequel would’ve loosely adapted “Sonic 3,” introducing Knuckles, Angel Island and Metal Sonic. Anyway, I never wrote it.

Little did I know, at the time, that several attempts had already been made to bring “Sonic” to the big screen. Among Ben Hurst’s varied attempts to revive “SatAM” was a proposed movie idea. Most infamously, at some point in the late 2000s, Ken Penders pitched a bonkers-looking movie called “Sonic Armageddon” to Sega. While I love the idea of an Archie-verse movie, Ken Penders writing a big-budget “Sonic” film – especially when the comic was going through one of its worst periods – makes me very nervous. Ken’s artwork suggests a dark movie steeped in Archie lore that Sega and the public likely would’ve rejected. The pitch video he put together inspired little confidence.

Neither of those ideas got very far but, in the mid-nineties, MGM came much closer to making a “Sonic” movie. Sega of America hired horror screenwriter Richard Jeffries, who produced a treatment entitled “Sonic the Hedgehog: Wonders of the World.” You can read all about this project and how it fell apart here but the short version is: The script had a young kid, struggling with bullies and his parents’ divorce, bringing Sonic and Robotnik out of “the game world” and into the “real” world. Sonic would’ve been a CGI character. Keep in mind, this was around 1995. So imagine how shitty that would’ve looked.

The film’s release was planned to coincide with the doomed “Sonic X-Treme,” meaning the entire project probably would’ve only hastened Sonic’s mid-nineties fall from the A-list. In the article, the producer mentions not wanting to make the missteps of the eighties "Masters of the Universe” movie. Yet it sounds like this proposed Sonic film had a nearly identical premise. Both make the fatal mistake of taking the characters fans are invested in out of their own world, dropping them into our boring world, and making some random asshole kid with random asshole kid problems the protagonist. Truly, is "Sonic the Hedgehog" not the story of a lonely boy learning to cope with his parents' divorce?

This new “Sonic” movie, that’s in active post-production and almost definitely will be released in the near future, sounds like it might make a similar mistake. In 2013, rumblings first began that Sony had acquired the rights to make a “Sonic” movie. Shortly afterwards in 2014, “Fist Fight” writing team Evan Susser and Van Robichaux were hired to do the script. (If that doesn’t excite you, it looks like their script has been rewritten by the scribes behind “Transylmania” and “The Cloverfield Paradox!”) In 2016, “Deadpool” director Tim Miller soon came on as a producer with his buddy Jeff Fowler – an animator whose only previous credit was Loony Tunes-esque short “Gopher Broke” – signed on as director. It seems like the movie didn’t move into active production until 2017, when Paramount acquired the rights. Now, filming has wrapped and the November 8th release date is speeding towards us like some sort of fast animal. I don't know, a cheetah or something.

All that time, we knew very little about what form this “Sonic” would take, other than it would be a combination of CGI and live action. As someone who is very used to the “Sonic” franchise disappointing me, I immediately imagined the worst. A film starring a small, CGI, talking animal amid human environments? That sounds like an obnoxious, lazy kids movie along the lines of “Alvin and the Chipmunks” or “The Smurfs.” This fear was not exactly calmed when James Marsden, star of “Hop,” signed on to be Sonic’s human companion. Is Sonic going to tell fart jokes in this movie? Will there be a dance party ending set to a top forty pop hit? Will this be like “Transformers,” where the non-human characters fans actually care about play second fiddle to some boring meatbags? Of course, there’s also the video game movie curse, which Hollywood still struggles to overcome.

As we learn more about the “Sonic” movie's premise, the story is sounding increasingly divorced from the source material. Apparently, in this film, Sonic is on the run from the U.S. government, takes shelter in a small town called Green Hills – an admittedly cute reference – and then teams up with the town’s sheriff to defeat Robotnik. The setting shifts to San Francisco sometime after that, it seems. So, what, is Sonic going to be some sort of top secret experiment? A genetically engineered superfast hedgehog soldier? Or will the movie go the “Sonic X” route and make him a transported alien? If the former is true, is Robotnik now his creator? I know modern Hollywood loves to tie together the origins of the hero and villain. There’s been rumors Robotnik will be a rogue CIA agent in the film, seemingly supporting this theory. At least they’re not calling him Eggman...

Yes, that does sound similar to the “Wonders of the World” treatment. Sonic will be removed from his traditional setting. Save for his archenemy, it seems none of his supporting cast are in the movie. Instead, it’s looking like he’ll be a co-star in his own movie. Which is actually about some random dude named Tom Wachowski for no apparent reason.

That Tom is being played by James Marsden, hardly anybody’s idea of an A-list movie star, further dampens my expectations. Especially since Paul Rudd, a popular actor people actually like, was supposedly in the running earlier. If a leaked piece of concept art is any indication, Sega initially hoped mega-star Chris Pratt would headline the movie. In fact, a supposed list of bandied-about names includes other Marvel superheroes like Chris Evans, Michael B. Jordan, and Jake Johnson. Nowhere on that list – not even under Justin Timberlake, Baby Driver, or the fucking star of “Heroes” – is James Marsden’s name. Suggesting he wasn’t even the fifth or sixth choice. Further suggesting a lot of people passed on the script. Suggesting further still, that it sucks.

Despite all the evidence giving me no reason at all to be optimistic, my obsessive “Sonic” fandom is forcing me to look on the bright side here. Tim Miller’s involvement does inspire some hope. I know “Deadpool” wasn’t everybody’s cup of tea but the character has certain similarities to Sonic. They are united by the ‘tude. At the very least, the movie’s head producer has made entertaining, popular films in the past. Back in June, Jim Carrey was cast as Robotnik. I know that certainly sounds like a potential disaster. Just based on physical appearance, Jim Carrey is famously scrawny, Robotnik is famously fat. But I am morbidly curious to see how it’ll play out. Carrey can be an excellent dramatic actor when he actually tries. There’s no reason to expect him to do this but, if he does play the part seriously, he may be a good choice. Also, Junkie XL is doing the music, so at least the movie will sound good.

If nothing else, the movie has nailed the casting of Sonic. I didn’t know who Ben Schwartz was when it was announced he was playing the part, even though the guy has been in various critically acclaimed films and TV shows. He also has voice-over experience playing nineties-related characters associated with the color blue, being the voices of Dewey and Leonardo in the latest iterations of “DuckTails” and “Ninja Turtles.” The more I see and hear of the guy, including that delightful Larry King video, the more it seems like he’s the perfect pick.

I’ll admit, though, those teaser posters did little to get my already low hopes up. I didn’t hate that first poster the way most “Sonic” nerds did. I even admire the filmmakers for maintaining Sonic’s iconic silhouette. The muscular runners’ thighs were definitely off-putting though. Now, we’ve gotten a clear look at Sonic’s movie design. While the reception has been vomitus, I gotta tell ya, I don’t hate it. To me, it still looks like Sonic. He’s still a blue hedgehog with gangly limbs, big cartoon eyes, a tan belly, a little black nose, a cocksure smirk, and a large head with a buzzsaw hairdo. I even find some of the changes rather clever. Instead of his eyes being joined in a weird mono-lid, a perfectly acceptable look in animation that would be very strange in real life, he now has separate eyes connected by a bridge of white fur on his nose. I even find Sonic’s red-and-white sneakers becoming Nikes a genuinely funny example of product placement.

I don’t like everything about the design. The legs are still weird. The lack of socks, which only draws further attention to the weirdness of the legs, is inexplicable. The decision to nix the gloves in favor of white fur on the hands is too clever. Just give him gloves, goddamn it. Still, the design is hardly the crime against humanity the internet is making it out to be. It’s certainly nowhere near as hideous as the Platinum Dunes Ninja Turtles or Will Smith’s Genie. A lot of fan reinterpretations I’ve seen of Movie Sonic seem to think you could just stick video game Sonic, with some extra detailed fur, into a live action setting. That wouldn’t work either, as prior fan projects have proven. Over all, I think this big budget take on Sonic is a good compromise.

Too bad my opinion doesn’t matter because the damage is done. Many Sonic fans were going to hate the movie anyway. The past has shown that, for some hardcores, any deviation from what they consider their definitive version of Sonic is heretical. (Never mind that there’s never been a definitive version of Sonic...) Will those bitchy fanboys come to embrace the film the way they eventually did the “Sonic Boom” cartoon? Maybe. Probably.

To the wider audience, the movie already seems like a joke, an unnatural aberration of a mostly forgotten pop culture artifact who is largely remembered as a joke anyway. Especially when compared to the “Detective Pikachu” movie, whose character redesigns have been well received. Whose trailers have converted even skeptical viewers into fans. The victor of the console wars was decided long ago. Once again, Nintendo is beloved and successful. Once again, Sega is the loser desperately clinging to its highly antiquated “cool” past, embraced only by weirdos and perverts. And even the weirdo perverts might hate this movie.

Yes, I am slightly bitter that the “Sonic” franchise seems to have bungled its next chance – maybe its last chance? – to win over a large audience again. As much as I want to blame this one on Sega’s inability to learn from their past successes, even Yuji Naka has distanced himself from this movie. Regardless of the finished product’s actual attributes, the quality of which is far from guaranteed, it already seems this movie will be remembered as a joke. This doesn't bode well for its box office chances either.

From the moment the “Sonic” movie was announced, I was filled with equal amounts of excitement and dread. Excitement because my childhood dream of seeing Sonic on the big screen was actually coming true. Dread because I knew – I fucking knew – they were going to screw it up. There's no way the real deal will live up to a lifetime of expectations. So my biggest hope, the best that I can expect, remains borderline competence. If the movie is anything better than a complete fucking dumpster fire, I will be overjoyed. I already know the best case scenario is me exiting the theater, sighing heavily, and grumbling “It could’ve been worst.” It seems many fans can’t even be that optimistic. Many have already made up their minds that the movie will be an Uwe Boll-level disaster.

The final verdict remains to be seen. Regardless of what happens next, you can rest assured that this won’t be Hedgehogs Can’t Swim’s last rambling dissertation on this topic. I imagine I’ll have many more thoughts to share once the trailer hits. Obviously, I’ll write a (probably very long) review when the movie finally comes out. Until then, it'll be business as usual here. Back to comic write-ups next time, including an IDW review during the weekend, I promise.