BACK ISSUES: A Hedgehogs Can't Swim Creepypasta

I’m telling you guys this because I know you’ll believe me. As I type these frenzied words, I can hardly believe it myself. Something impossible. Impossibly horrible. This awful revelation has its roots in something I hold dare, the subject of this very blog. I know some won’t believe me but I swear everything that follows is the awful, awful truth.

It started when the news of a comic shop opening in town reached me. Being somebody interested in comics, I immediately tracked the place down. Though it was in an odd part of town I rarely visited, I drove down there anyway. The building was right next to an old pharmacy. The place seemed like a typical comic shop, with rows of new books, trade paperbacks, and various toys and collectables lying about. The store also had a large selection of back issues. As soon as I saw that, I walked to the “S” section and started to look for any rare “Sonic the Hedgehog” comics I might not have.

Flipping through the books, it was a typical collection. Lots of issues from the last ten years, a handful that were slightly older then that. Tucked way back at the end of the wrack was something I couldn’t believe. An issue of Sonic #0, from the original mini-series! The very first “Sonic” comic Archie ever published! With a totally reasonable asking price, I scooped the book up and ran to the clerk. He gave me an odd look, smiling strangely, as I handed a few crumpled up bills. “I hope you enjoy that,” he said, nodding slowly. The man looked somewhat familiar yet I couldn’t place his face. At the time, I didn’t think anything of it.

After returning home, I put the bag down on my desk and went about my day. It wasn’t until the next day, after work, that I was able to really look at the book. Glancing at the cover, I immediately realized something was different. Sonic’s eyes were strangely blank, the pupils missing among the white sclera. As far as I knew, no misprints of this issue ever existed. Which meant I had an especially rare version, perhaps a one of a kind copy. I ran my thumb over the cover, making sure that this wasn’t the work of a pranksters or hoax artist. There was no addition paint or white out. This was a genuine copy.

Thumbing through the issue, I noticed other odd art mistakes. Sonic’s missing pupils weren’t confined to the cover. Every time he appeared in the book, his eyes were wrong. Just white starring voids, without the black dot to denote expression or feeling. This wasn’t the only oddness. Passing the page where he first met Caterkiller, I didn’t notice it at first. It was only after backtracking did I see the error. The robot’s teeth had been miscolored red by mistake, almost as if blood was dripping from his fangs. The speech bubble was screwed up too. Instead of saying his name, he introduced himself to Sonic as “Your Killer.” This was a seriously messed up book. No way it was real, I thought to myself. I was obviously holding a fake copy in my hand, albeit a well made fake. Somebody’s idea of a dumb joke.

I kept reading, too curious to put it down. I was going to see this prank through to the end. Scanning ahead a few pages, I hit the part where Sonic reaches Freedom HQ. The first introduction of Sally and the other Freedom Fighters. Yet there was something wrong on these pages too. The dialogue and expressions were normal. But Sally… Her eyes were entirely red. Like blood. Just huge bloody voids where her eyes would normally be. Almost as if someone had plucked them out of her head. That sight made a chill run up my spine.

It’s just a stupid prank, I thought. A prank somebody had put a lot of time into, digitally manipulating the images, printing them out, bounding the pages. Even keeping the old ads intact and then selling the comic back to a shop. The more I thought about it, the less likely a hoax option seemed. As I continued through that first story, with its goofy ending about crying trees, I notice something else strange. None of the characters were smiling, laughing, or joking around. Each of them looked miserable, as if they were in constant agony.

As the story ended, I expected to see that dumb illustration of Sonic and Sally bemoaning a cut down tree. After all, that’s the next image that appeared in the book. Instead, the story from issue 3 began, of Sonic disguising himself as a robot to sneak into Robotnik’s compound. The thought occurred to me again that this was a rare misprint in my hands. That maybe all the weird faces were simply a bizarre coloring error. Except that didn’t make any sense. Why would a future issue get mixed up with the first one? A closer look revealed something more disturbing. Once again, the word bubbles had been tampered with. Rotor screamed “KILL!” on the second page. The word was hidden all throughout the story, normal vowels switched out with the cry to murder. I didn’t want to read this. I didn’t want to feel these things, to see these awful words shoved into the mouths of my favorite characters.

That second story ended prematurely. It’s as if the book was reading my thoughts, as if something was compelling the pages to change in my hand as I passed my fingers over them. But not for the better. For the second half of issue three had been replaced with yet another story.  The back half of issue 47, the start of “Endgame.” The death of Princess Sally. But what was already a sad story had been made more disturbing. Now, every characters’ eyes ran red with blood. Their tears were even blood, spots of red dotting their faces. Bunnie, Antoine, and Rotor seemed tormented by something even bigger then the death of their friend. Their agony became my own, a terrible feeling rising inside of me as I read through the comic.

Enough was enough. I didn’t know where it came from but I sure as hell didn’t want it in my house anymore. I slammed the comic shut, ran across the room, and threw it in the trashcan. Tomorrow, I was going back to the comic shop. I was going to give the clerk an earful, ask him why the hell he was selling photoshopped comics. I was freaked out by it but I couldn’t imagine what a kid would think, an innocent picking that up, expecting a friendly kid’s comic but seeing this weirdness instead.

I went straight to bed. The whole ordeal had exhausted me. I was tired enough that I went right out. Yet my sleep was haunted by the most horrible images. Terrible spectres emerging from my bedroom wall, starring down at me with clasping bone jaws. A runny, crimson liquid ran from their sockets. Like the blood in the comic. As the dream went on, the faces changed, morphing into the cartoon likenesses of Sonic and his friends. Their faces twisted in pain, in torment. They could not beg for an end to their infinite suffering. Instead, they could only scream out one word, prolonged by the pain. “KILL,” I heard them scream. “KILL!” Sonic and Bunnie and Rotor said again. Kill them, I realized. End the agony that they couldn’t escape from themselves.

When I awoke, my skin was damp with sweat. I tried to rationalize. That the dumb prank had just spooked me. That the dream came from my own mixed up brain and not from some outside force, not from some evil dwelling in that dreadful book. I knew what I had to do. I retrieved the comic from the trash, Sonic’s smirk on the cover seeming to mock me. To relish in the pain it had caused me. I jumped in my car and drove back to the comic shop. At the very least, the shop owner would give me my money back.

And that was when the weirdest thing of all happened. As I drove downtown, I looked all around the road where the shop had been yesterday. I passed the pharmacy over and over again, baffled by the empty lot next to it. Finally, I parked my car and decided to investigate on foot. There was no way the comic shop could’ve been knocked down overnight. There was no debris, no sign that a building had been there yesterday. It was gone, as if it had never been there in the first place. Holding the cursed comic book in my hand, that was when the memory of the day before came rushing back to me. The reason why the man behind the counter had looked so familiar. It was a face I knew, someone I had seen before. For the man that sold me the horrible comic was… was…

THE 1998 SONIC THE HEDGEHOG COMIC BEST/WORST LIST!

If I could choose one word to describe what 1998 was like for Archie’s “Sonic the Hedgehog” comic, it would be “experimental.” This was the comic’s first full year without Robotnik, allowing Karl Bollers to re-establish the world of Mobius and wrap up the Ixis Naugus story line. Ken Penders’ “Knuckles the Echidna” series continued to defiantly be its own thing. The Sonic Super Special series devoted a whole issue to Sonic and friends being kids and - proving that “experimental” doesn’t always mean “good” - a baffling crossover with another company’s characters. If you pick up a Sonic comic 18 years ago, odds you didn’t get stories about a fast hedgehog grabbing rings and jumping on robots’ heads. The comic was, gloriously, it’s own weird thing.

Archie Comics released the following “Sonic” titles in 1998:

Sonic the Hedgehog: #56-68
Knuckles the Echidna: #10-21
Sonic Super Special: #4-7

BEST COVER STORY:
Ken Penders, "The Chaotix Caper: Part One - The Unsuspecting" - (Knuckles the Echidna: Issue 13)

No story ever published by Archie owns as much ass as issue 13 of “Knuckles the Echidna” did. A kid fucking dies of a drug overdose, in direct view of the reader. Charmy and his friends are given proper time to mourn. Julie-Su is a bad ass bitch who doesn’t take shit off no one and does some detective-ing. The Chaotix actually work as a team unit, for once. The cherry on the top is a gritty, film noir style narration from Harry the cab driver. The rest of the “The Chaotix Caper” story arc didn’t live up to its awesome first chapter, but I’ll never forget how excited I became when first reading this issue back in the day. It rocks then and it rocks now.

WORST COVER STORY:
Scott Fulop, "Immortality is forever... Life is Finite" (Sonic the Hedgehog: Issue 56)

What the fuck is this? Easily one of the hardest to follow story Archie would ever publish, the ungainly entitled “Immortality is forever… Life is Finite” was Scott Fulop’s inglamorous swan song. The cast members leap around bizarre, surreal locations with little reasoning. Characters appear randomly. The story bends in odd directions, never bothering to inform the reader why. I had no idea what the hell was going on half the time. Some of this can be blamed on the smudged artwork. But it’s mostly Fulop’s fault, for writing a script that is so impossibly put together.

BEST BACK STORY:
Karl Bollers, "And Then There Was One" (Sonic the Hedgehog: Issue 66)

In my reviews, “backstory” has too often been a dirty word. Usually, it means the book coming to a pause so someone can tediously expound on their history. There’s one exception to this rule, though. Bollers’ “And Then There Was One” provides an appropriately mythic, compelling origin for Ixis Naugus. The three wizards trying to gain the power of sun plays out like a fairy tale. As does the ironic end, where one of them betrays the other. This sets up Naugus’ treacherous personality and also explains his elemental powers. It’s a fun, satisfying read.

WORST BACK STORY:
Uncredited, "The Living Crown" (Sonic the Hedgehog: Issue 58)

To this day, we don’t know if Ken Penders or Scott Fulop is responsible for introducing the concept of the Source of All. “The Living Crown” is an exposition heavy story that reveals the truth behind the Acorn monarchy: The kings are ordained by God, who speaks to them through a pool of molten gold. Which seems like an awkward justification for why an advanced civilization like Mobius would still have a king. It’s also really fucking weird. Out of all the pseudo-mythical bullshit the comic would throw at us over the years, the bossy, drippy Source of All is probably my least favorite.

BEST STORY ARC:
Karl Bollers, "In Search Of..." / "The Fellowship of the Rings" / "A Friend in Deed" – (Sonic the Hedgehog: Issues 64-66)

There were a lot of singular good issues in 1998 but few satisfying story arcs. The three-parter that wrapped up the Ixis Naugus story line ended up being the most consistent. The first issue, an action packed story that also saved time for Sonic and Tails’ friendship, was quite good. The conclusion similarly balanced punches, with a three-way fight between super forms, and emotion, with Eddy the Yeti’s sacrifice. That balance is, more or less, exactly what I ask of this book. The middle chapter, however, was a snore, primarily devoted to Nate Morgan drolly explaining his history. Two out of three ain’t bad.

WORST STORY ARC:
Ken Penders, "On His Majesty's Secret Service" (Sonic the Hedgehog: Issues 61-64)

“On His Majesty’s Secret Service” re-organized five existing characters and a new one into a team. Sadly, it never gave us any insight into why Geoffrey St. John chose this people, which included Hershey, a traitor to the crown. The cast members are shoved about by the plot, the reader never relating to any of them. We only see the team interact during two underwhelming training missions. The most interesting element, about Sally’s continued frustration with her father, is brushed aside. In the end, it was all mindless set-up for a story line in Penders’ beloved “Knuckles” series, wrapped in a truly lame James Bond pastiche. Booo.

BEST COVER ART:
Sonic the Hedgehog: Issue 63 - Patrick Spaziante

It’s a cliché for a reason but the truth is there: Sometimes, less is more. Spaz draws Sonic leaning against a giant statue of himself against a white backdrop. He nicely portrays Sonic’s ambivalence to what this monument means. The statue dwarfs Sonic but his nonchalant posture illustrates his lack of respect. The detailing on the statue is awesome, Sonic is expressive, and the simple colors cause the image to pop. It’s one of my favorite of Spaziante’s many great covers.

WORST COVER ART:
Sonic the Hedgehog: Issue 66 - Patrick Spaziante

This, on the other hand, is not. Spaz draws Naugus with a hideous overbite, the wizard looking like an especially ugly orc. Sonic leans in front, grimacing in a way that suggests he urgently needs a bathroom break. A puke pumpkin orange color fills in the back. It’s a lot of visually unappealing elements that might have been okay isolated but grate when thrown together. The whole does not please the eyes.

BEST STORY ART:
"In Search Of..." - Steven Butler (Sonic the Hedgehog: Issue 64)

Steven Butler became the series’ regular artist in 1998 and routinely delivered great work. His artwork was gritty but not at the expense of humor or personality. It was hugely detailed but never without purpose. Butler also had a strength for action, which is gamely displayed in this story’s struggle between Sonic and Naugus. The panels of Sonic sliding through the snow and leaping around the mountain top hit the reader powerfully. The snowy location and grim castle in the distance also provide a compelling atmosphere. It’s good stuff.

WORST STORY ART:
"Outback Gut Check" - Harvey Mercadoocasio (Sonic the Hedgehog: Issue 61)

Harvey Mercadoocasio was a fine inker, working on many of the series’ specials and mini-series over many years. Whenever he penciled a story, his work was less consistent. Issue 61’s “Outback Gut Check,” sadly, provides a nadir for Mercadoocasio’s drawing ability. The characters bend between pudgy and angular. The faces are uniform and doe-eyed. Heads and limbs frequently change shape. Harvey too frequently reduces crowds or punches to indistinct blob. No wonder Mercadoocasio would usually stick to inking.

BEST NEW CHARACTER:
Eddy the Yeti

Karl Bollers obviously intended Nate Morgan to be the break-out character of the year. His appearance was hyped up, the character even receiving a cover. Morgan, with his tendency to babble on about history and technology, didn’t win too many hearts. His usually silent assistant, however, was crucial to one of the year’s biggest tear-jerkers.

Eddy, the awesome looking cyborg yeti, was a gentle giant, fiercely loyal to his friends. He only spoke when necessary, letting his actions speak for him. He routinely put his life on the line to protect those he cared about. This tendency ultimately cost the character his life, sacrificing himself to save his friends. Though his impact on the book would be limited, Eddy is still remembered all these years later.

WORST NEW CHARACTER:
Moritori Rex

One of the year’s dumbest reveals centered around Moritori Rex. Personality wise, Moritori – or should that be Rex? – wasn’t distinguished from his dad, a former Dark Legion fanatic. The truly dumb part came when Tobor’s own father couldn’t tell his son apart from this guy. You’d think Moritori would use his place inside the Brotherhood as a way to undermine his enemy. Instead, he screws around for hundreds of years, seemingly never acting.

(This was so dumb that, years later, Ian Flynn used an encyclopedia entry to clarify that, yes, the character did perform some sabotage. But we didn’t know that in 1998.)

And the minute his grand scheme is interrupted? He turns tail and flees, going back to the villain’s side where he also accomplished nothing. What a jack ass and what a stupid plot.


BEST IDEA:
Sonic and Tails on the Road

Best idea, maybe not the best execution. Letting Sonic and Tails travel around the world allowed the cover stories to focus on action-heavy tales that would please the young boy readership, while leaving room in the back pages for stories about what was happening at home in Knothole. At least, that was the idea. Too often, this was an excuse for Michael Gallagher and Frank Strom to revisit previous concepts. However, when the time came to put Tails and Sonic in strange new places, that produced some interesting ideas. I wish that was the case more often but I still think this concept was a good beginning point.


WORST IDEA:
The Brotherhood, the Source of All, and the Image Crossover

The book’s world and mythology grew a lot this year. And not always in the best way. In “Knuckles,” the constant melodrama and mishandling of the Brotherhood of the Guardians became an on-going snore. Every time Locke or one of his grandfathers showed up, the readers rolled their eyes. It didn’t help that nearly every one of these guys are massive jerks, controlling, manipulative, and unwilling to come right out and say anything. The Source of All, meanwhile, added a mystical and bossy presence to Sally’s side of the equation, which she definitely did not need.

Lastly, one must give a dishonorable mention to the Image Crossover, one of the most ill-conceived stories to ever appear in “Sonic.” Shoving the hedgehog together with a bunch of grimdark superheroes didn’t gel. The plot was both generic and a mess. Ken’s original creations were unwelcomed. As far as ideas go, this has to be one of the worst to ever cross Archie’s editorial desk.

Sonic the Hedgehog: Issue 68

Sonic the Hedgehog: Issue 68
Publication Date: December 1998

Sonic and Tails leaving Knothole Village behind to explore the world, chasing after Ixis Naugus, was a story met with some controversy. Many feared, not totally without reason, that this was a way for the comic to write Sally and the rest of the SatAM crew totally out of the book. This fear turned out to be premature. After bringing the Naugus plot to an abrupt end, Sonic and Tails are returning to Mobotropolis, rejoining Sally and the rest of the gang. In another story turn Sega would be unlikely to approve today, issue 68’s cover story “Surprise!” has the hedgehog growing a year older, turning sixteen.

Sally and the Freedom Fighters have been hanging out in Knothole Village, still stuck in a pocket dimension three hours into the future, when they receive a message from King Acorn. A face from the past has returned. Sally and the others presume the king is talking about Sonic. Sonic has returned, in fact. Along with Tails and Nate Morgan, they wear heavy robes, concerned that Morgan being an Overlander might upset the populace. Above Mobius, another mysterious satellite activates, sending asteroids raining down on Mobotropolis. Sonic has to spoil his own surprise, rescue Sally and help dismiss the chaos. Turns out, Sonic’s return isn’t the one the King was hyping. He was referring to Prince Elias, Sally’s long lost brother.

When Karl Bollers incorporated a sense of emotion into his stories, not allowing it to be swept away by the plot, they usually worked out very well. “Surprise!” has a little bit of heart. While the rocks are falling from the sky, Sonic zooms pass Sally. She pauses, recognizing the figure as her returned boyfriend. She’s so excited that she doesn’t see the space debris headed right towards her. Luckily, Sonic rescues Sally and the two have a heartfelt if brief reunion. (A mild clever moment has Sonic telling Sally “surprise.” I see what you did there, Karl!)

The story, sadly, doesn’t focus more time on Sonic and Sally’s reunion. There’s so much other stuff to attend too. When Prince Elias marches onto the page, King Acorn takes a panel to explain who the hell this guy is. This info-dump is presumably for the “Sonic” readers who don’t read “Knuckles.” On the same page, Geoffrey St. John unmasks Nate Morgan and immediately accuses him of being an Overlander spy. Even though, you know, the war with the Overlanders has been over for a decade. Naturally, Max recognizes Morgan and re-embraces him.

The opening pages are a practical non-sequitur, showing Snively and the Fearsome Foursome hanging out with the crystallized Kodos and Uma Arachnis, who then de-crystalize. The book doesn’t bring that plot point up again. Along with all of that, there’s also the asteroids plummeting down on Mobotropolis. Again, the book is hinting at Robontik’s inevitable return. It would take another five issue to reveal that, even though we readers already figured it out.

Of course, the natural disaster allows for some solid action. Steven Butler continues to do some fine work. This is his first time drawing Sally and the gang and they all look fantastic. It’s impressive how Butler can filter Sally, Rotor, Bunnie and the rest through his style without loosing the original aspects of the character. The falling asteroids feature some crumbling buildings, fleeing innocents, and Sonic racing around, being a badass and rescuing people. (A nice touch shows Bunnie and Dulcy saving people too, since Sonic isn’t the only hero around) Butler’s sense of motion is very well utilized on these pages. His sense of detail is also given a work-out, during the stories’ two double-page spreads.

Though crowded, I still thought the cover story was pretty good. As for the back-up story? “Survival of the Fittest” picks up from last time. Lupe and the other wolves ride their raft to solid ground. Climbing aboard a dock, they soon discover an abandoned building. Inside are two Overlander children. The little girls, a mute redhead name Athena and a blonde named Ariel, aren’t given the warmest greeting by the wolves. Lupe, however, wants to protect them.

Last time, I criticized Ken’s back-up for not developing the other wolves. Well, he fixes that a little bit here. Diablo is focused on the mission. Reynard is naturally suspicious. Leeta is afraid of heights. Lyco and Canus… Well, the one has a sister and the other is a big guy. Still, Ken is trying. As for the introduction of the Overlander children, it’s hard to say where the writer is going with that. This back-up story is so brief, just when it’s getting started, it ends again. Sam Maxwell’s artwork could be better. His Mobians look fine but the human children are weird lookin’.

That’s so often the case with this book. You can see the writers struggling to introduce something bigger but they’re always held back by Sega mandates, a limited page count, or strangled by their own plot machinations. Still, issue 68 is fairly satisfying. [7/10]

Knuckles the Echidna: Issue 21

Knuckles the Echidna: Issue 21
Publication Date: December 1998

Many times again, I’ve mention how Ken Penders had a bad habit of juggling too many story lines. At his worst, this means many story lines that never go anywhere are all sharing the limited page space inside a single comic book. However, when Ken was on his game, this means multiple stories build to something meaningful and satisfying. Issue 21 is not the writer’s best work yet it does finally provide a decent ending to a story line that feels like it’s been going on for a while.

As Elias and Gefforey St. John’s Secret Service are tossed by the freak weather occurrence, Locke and Lara-Le wander by in an aircraft, rescuing everyone. The Guardians provide some long overdue answers about how the Prince and the Queen ended up on the Floating Island. Meanwhile, Knuckles is introduced to his extended family inside Haven where the young Guardian immediately gets in troubles and resorts to fisticuffs.

Straight answers are not something this book hands out too frequently. There are still plenty of mysteries floating around inside the series but issue 21 does settle some things. We all ready knew that Queen Alicia, Prince Elias, and Gefforey’s dad got shot down by Overlanders on the island. Why the Queen and Prince have been kept their so long is finally resolved. Queen Alicia suffered some sort of brain damage in the crash. Unable to restore her to normal, the Brotherhood kept her on ice in some sort of stasis tube. As for Elias? Sabre basically didn’t want to go through the paperwork involved with telling King Acorn his son is still alive. Yep, even while doing good, the Brotherhood of Guardians are a bunch of assholes.

Knuckles, more importantly, discovers some information. After literally stumbling into Haven last time, Knuckles is introduced to his extended collection of various grandfathers. He isn’t informed why his many granddads have been jerking him around his entire life. However, Knuckles is smart enough to see that Tobor is not who he appears to be. That’s right, the teenager immediately realizes something his elders have been ignorant of for hundreds of years. This, of course, leads to Knuckles and Tobor/Moritori Rex fighting it out. Yes, Tobor shoots laser beams out of his visor. I know that’s kind of stupid but how could the writer resist doing that? I mean, the thing even looks like Cyclop’s own headgear.

The least interesting aspect of this story line has been St. John and his team’s involvement. Since coming to the Floating Island, the skunk and his sidekicks have dealt with lousy weather, got some exposition dropped on them, and asked obvious and ineffectual questions. This issue begins with the team nearly being drowned by a sudden tidal wave. This leads to a protracted, embarrassing scene of Heavy and Bomb nearly being swept away by the river. Penders seems to have forgotten that Bomb can only communicate with a weird dinging noise, the R2-D2 to Heavy’s C-3PO. The smaller robot freely talks in this issue. Even dumber, Locke ends up saving everybody using his ridiculous magical powers. Geoffrey succeeds in getting the Queen and the Prince back to Mobotropolis… But that wasn’t really a challenge, was it?

The incompetence of St. John’s Secret Service is only the least boring of the many subplots. Watching Locke and Lara-Le argue has quickly lost its novelty. This isn’t due to a lack of rich drama. Lara-Le has many genuine grievance with her ex-husband. Her plea that, perhaps, Locke should man up and actually father his son is reasonable. What’s boring about this is we know Locke is never going to stop being a cock. Once again, his wife will present an understandable, normal situation and Locke will shoot her down, harping continuously on Knuckles’ great destiny or some bullshit. Knuckles’ dad being an irrepressible asshole would be one thing if it wasn’t obvious how much Ken agrees with him. Locke is never judged for being a chode. Moreover, the writer seemingly doesn't think he's a chode at all.

Because this is “Knuckles the Echidna,” there’s still plenty of loose ends left dangling. Moritori Rex is still out there, promising death to the Brotherhood. Hawking remains in a coma, as he has forever. The exact nature of Knuckles’ destiny is still left unexplained. Julie-Su is totally left out of this story which seems like a shame. Still, some subplots are developed on. At the very least, Knuckles has finally confronted his granddads. In a book as evasive and frustrating as this, that counts for something. [7/10]

Knuckles the Echidna: Issue 20

Knuckles the Echidna: Issue 20
Publication Date: November 1998

Boy, it feels like its been a while since I’ve read a “Knuckles the Echidna” comic. In this case, a reminder might actually be in order. LAST TIME ON “KNUCKLES THE ECHIDNA!” Remington was air-lifting Knuckles and Julie-Su towards Lara-Le’s location. Locke had found his ex-wife, stranded because of a freak snowstorm! Geoffrey St. John and his secret service discovered a thought long-lost person on the Floating Island!

Picking up we’re we left off, Locke and Lara-Le attempt to reconcile but it doesn’t work. As he flies her off in his craft, the snowstorm outside turns into a lightning storm. Meanwhile, St. John tries to determine if Elias – lost prince of the Acorn Crown and Sally’s brother – is who he claims to be. Meanwhile, Knuckles has enough of Remington’s bullshit and wanders off into the Forbidden Zone on his own.

As always, Ken continues to juggle multiple story lines at once. Despite his name being on the cover, Knuckles’ plot is actually the least important arc going on at the moment. Most pressing to fans is Locke and Lara-Le’s interaction. Issue 20 gives us lots of insight into their marriage. In flashback, we see Lara-Le leaving her husband, demanding their son come with her. Once again, Locke yells about Knuckles’ important destiny as a Guardian. In other words, a mother’s perfectly reasonable request is shot down by Locke being a prick.

For that matter, Locke is perhaps at his prickiest in this issue. Upon finding Lara-Le in the down ship, he kisses her clearly against her will. When Lara-Le points out what a shithead her ex-husband is, he outright says she’s wrong. This has to be intentional, right? Even Penders isn’t so clueless when he’s writing his character as a total knob? Right?

The introduction of Prince Elias is the issue’s biggest contribution to the mythology. Long lost relatives of established characters is a cliche for a reason. Did Sally need a brother? Elias certainly doesn’t make a case for himself. He babbles about a stick with an emerald on top, some sort of locator ring. Instead of discussing the emotional resonance of Sally having a brother, Geoffrey and the bulldog guy argue about how it’s possible King Acorn didn’t know he had a son. This is a valid question yet not especially compelling.

The story lines shows Queen Alicia was on the plane when it went down. The comic treats the Queen’s location like it’s a big secret. The readers have all figured out that she’s in the care of the Brotherhood by this point.

So what is Knuckles up to, this issue? Mostly bemoaning his fate as a helpless pawn of his family’s machinations. Aboard the plane, he yells at Remington for keeping secrets concerning his mom. Julie-Su worries a little about Knuckles but her part is so small in this story. After the lightning storm downs the plane, Knuckles wanders off into the Forbidden Zone, literally stumbling upon Haven. Now that’s interesting! Will Knuckles finally realize the depth of his father’s lies? That he’s being manipulated by his extended family? Probably not but it’s the most captivating aspect of this issue.

Well, there’s some more shit about the Days of Fury, explaining the freaky weather conditions. I can’t say I care about that. Issue 20 is pretty lame. It’s a bunch of story lines, arguing for space. Locke is a cock, Elias is boring, and Knuckles’ emotional arc is pushed aside by his own family. Bummer, man. [5/10]

Sonic the Hedgehog: Issue 67

Sonic the Hedgehog: Issue 67
Publication Date: November 1998

After the satisfying, if slightly rushed, conclusion to the Ixis Naugus story arc, Sonic and Tails will soon be returning home to Mobotropolis. After all, the comic is already preparing for the return of Dr. Robotnik, with numerous ominous satellites floating in the sky. However, Karl Bollers wanted to have some fun first. Before Sonic and Tails reunite with the Freedom Fighters, they’re taking a stop over in Spielberg country.

Sonic races through the Great Rainforest, approaching the ancient temple of the Shazamazons. Years ago, Nate Morgan stashed an especially powerful Power Ring there. Sonic races through the traps, which include machine guns in the walls, the floor opening up to reveal a pool of lava, and a giant ass snake. Meanwhile, a satellite activates in the sky. Along with it, another set of hostile, mindless Robians.

Issue 67’s main story is a deliberate act in homage. The intentions are announced right from the cover, which features Sonic posing with a fedora and brown gloves. Karl didn’t even bother to think up a funny title. He entitles the story “Tomb Raider,” though he resists strapping enormous tits on Sonic’s chest. This story is basically a re-creation of the opening scene of “Raiders of the Lost Ark” but with Sonic elements traded out for Harrison Ford, Alfred Molina, and a golden fertility idol.

As an extended bit of re-creation, “Tomb Raider” is mildly entertaining. After so much talk about restoring Mobotropolis, Sally and her dad butting heads, and Sonic confronting Naugus, it’s sort of nice to have a simple adventure story. There’s a few cute touches here. After the machine guns pop out of the walls, Sonic reaches back up to grab his hat. After barely escaping falling into a pool of lava, Sonic stops to let his smoking sneakers cool. The giant snake appears in a mildly clever fashion. The snake had coiled around the walls of the room.

Because this wouldn’t be an “Indiana Jones” reference without a giant bolder, Sonic knots the snake. It rolls down the path after him, until it slams into the Robians outside. The giant cobra looks cool and reminds me of E.V.E.’s third form, all the way back in Issue 21. Speaking of snakes, Sonic tosses some snakes out of the Winged Victory before blasting off. Why did it have to be, etc. (Though considering this is Mobius, shouldn’t the snakes be bipedal and intelligent?) Steven Butler’s dynamic artwork helps sells things.

Unfortunately, an otherwise fun and breezy story is hassled with some exposition. For some reason, the story devotes two pages near the beginning to recapping the last few issues. I’m not sure what the purpose of this was. Maybe Archie was expecting an influx of new readers, with “Sonic Adventure” coming soon? The whole business with mindless Mobians has yet to prove compelling. Mostly, the reader just wonders what’s going with that. In its final act, Nate Morgan rambles on about Super Emeralds and all that jazz. I swear, I’m going to star calling Nate the Great Lord of Technobabble. Anyway, it ends the story on a bit of a down note.

The back-up story introduces a new Tales of the Freedom Fighters arc, while Geoffrey and his crew are off resolving the old one in Knuckles’ book. The new story focuses on Lupe and the Wolf Pack. The wolves, being closer to nature, decide Mobotropolis isn’t for them. The Pack head out of the city, crossing a suddenly appearing river on a shaky raft.

 
On one hand, it’s nice to see the book focusing on Lupe and the Wolf Pack. Considering they’re an important part of the “Sonic” mythology, dating back to SatAM, they haven’t contributed much to the comic thus far. Hell, we don’t even know their names, beyond Lupe and Drago. This story gives us some insight into their past. We find out that Lupe has a mate, named Lobo, and children, which are thus far kept off-screen. After the start of the war, Lobo took the kids to a safe hiding spot while Lupe went off to fight the good fight. Now, the family can be reunited.

That’s a good foundation for a story. There’s even some potential for emotion in there. Which makes is a bummer that the story itself doesn’t work. Penders write some truly tin-earred dialogue here. None of the other wolves are developed beyond their names. The story has no narrative drive, ending at a random point. Sam Maxwell’s artwork is alright but this story arc is off to a snore.

So here’s another issue that had potential but doesn’t entirely work. Oh well. Enjoy some Dave Manak artwork, an unused cover for issue 14. [6/10]

Sonic Super Special: Issue 7 - Image Crossover

Sonic Super Special: Issue 7 – Image Crossover
Publication Date: October 1998

In the annals of Sonic comic fandom, a number of issues have risen to the top as particularly notorious. People discuss the events of “Endgame” to this day, especially Sally’s temporary death. “Sonic Live!” remains mocked on a regular basis, frequently held up as one of the worst issues from the comic’s entire life span. The third pillar of Ken Pender’s museum of mistakes is “Sonic Super Special: Issue 7.” A crossover with a number of obscure superheroes published by Image Comics at the time, the issue is incoherent even by the standards of a “Sonic” comic and misconceived as an event. Buckle up and pack in as we’ve got a lot of stuff to cover.

In a world more closely resembling our own, two FBI agents who are similar to but legally distinct from Mulder and Scully interview a mysterious woman. She calls herself Particle. After she zaps both of the agents with her powers and disappears, they track down the son of a hardware store owner. The boy is actually the superhero ShadowHawk. He relates to the agents a bizarre story of encountering Sonic and the team, who rode the Cosmic Interstate to this world, in pursuit of Particle. The woman stole the Master Emerald and gave it to a villain named Dr. Ian Droid. As Sonic and the Freedom Fighters close in on the emerald, they encounter a number of other heroes. Together, they seek to reclaim the relic and return to their own worlds.

As a kid, I’ll admit, I bought into the hype for this one. Seeing Sonic crossover with other comic book superheroes, including the extremely popular Spawn, seemed to validate this silly funny animal book I had become so invested in. Upon reading the book, I was disappointed to be completely unfamiliar with most of the Image characters. Spawn I knew, of course. The Savage Dragon I was somewhat aware of, from the cartoon series that used to air on the USA Network. Otherwise? I had no idea who ShadowHawk, the Maxx, Velocity, or Union where. I’m still not that familiar with any of them. (Though the Maxx starred in a critically acclaimed animated series I keep meaning to watch.)

Moreover, who thought this was a good idea? Archie’s “Sonic” series and Image Comics cater to extremely different demographics. Even at its grimmest, “Sonic” is still a kid’s book. Spawn is a repentant solider of Hell and a former assassin who has no problem dismembering his opponents. ShadowHawk is famous for being an HIV-positive superhero. (Though apparently that was a different ShadowHawk than the one appearing in this book.) The Maxx’s arch enemy is a serial rapist. Union and Velocity are part of hyper-violent superhero teams, StormWatch and Cyber Force respectively. Even Savage Dragon, with his cartoon series tie-in, had some flesh and blood filled adventures. There’s a reason I didn’t know most of these guys as a kid. Even as a ten year old, my mom probably would have bulk at most of the above.

Of course, with indie imprints like Archie and Image, it only takes a few people to think something is a good idea. According to the introduction, the children of ShadowHawk creator Jim Valentino were big “Sonic” fans, which put the two companies in contact. That’s where the official story ends.

However, I suspect Ken Penders had another reason for writing this thing. “Parallel Paradigm” is the first appearance of Particle and Dr. Ian Droid, a hero and villain from Penders’ envisioned series, “The Lost Ones.” “The Lost Ones” wouldn’t be published until March of 2000, where it ran for a single issue. In other words, this was a way for Ken to introduce a pet project of his (that nobody gave a shit about) among more popular characters.

If Ken’s plan was to endear readers to Particle, he doesn’t do the best job. In her first appearance, Particle knocks all of the Freedom Fighters unconscious with her magical juju powers. She proceeds to knock out Knuckles and steal the Master Emerald. Immediately afterwards, she does the same to Mulder and Scully. Particle is at the whims of other characters throughout the book, proving the same thing happening to Knuckles wasn’t a fluke on Ken’s behalf. As for Ian Droid, he’s a generic supervillain, right down to his Ming the Merciless eyebrows.

The Sonic characters are not well integrated with the Image characters. The only one that gets any proper page time is ShadowHawk. In that time, all he does is find the Freedom Fighters in an alley way and put on his armor. Nobody else gets any character development. Union and the Maxx appear suddenly, float around a bit – literary in Union’s case – and then disappear. Velocity gets some speed-related banter with Sonic but it doesn’t amount to much. The Savage Dragon fires machine guns at the Freedom Fighters. Spawn appears on one page and utters the immortal line, “No.” Sonic and friends are tossed around by the plot. Tails, Rotor, Antoine and Bunnie accomplish nothing in this story. Further marking this as a Penders production, Knuckles is who ends up saving the day. The action scenes are so brief and unimportant here that none register.

The plot is a generic fetch quest. The bad guy grabs the Master Emerald. Sonic and the other heroes go searching for it. They find it, beat up some people, and everyone heads back home. What is interesting is how “Parallel Paradigm” gives us a peak into Ken’s future plans for “Sonic.” It’s hinted here, and I always assumed as much, that Dr. Ian Droid is either a future or alternate universe version of Robotnik. Droid is just another word for “Robot,” after all. Both have an army of SWATBots. Droid expresses familiarity with future versions of Sonic and Knuckles. Befitting Ken’s echidna-centric view of the universe, Knuckles is presented as Droid’s arch-enemy. Then again, Dr. Droid looks nothing like Robotnik so maybe Penders is just a shitty writer.

Since “The Lost Ones” would flop horribly and Ken’s original version of “Mobius: 20 Years Later” never surfaced, none of these vague hints are followed up on. By the way, the comic also casually drops the reveal that Mobius is a post-apocalyptic Earth in the far distant future, after some sort of cataclysm. This info wouldn’t be officially acknowledged until issue 124.

So the plot is nonsense, the crossover is pointless, and the script builds up shit that was never paid off on. What about the art? It also sucks. Jim Valentino provides the pencils. Valentino’s artwork for Marvel and his own property is apparently well-regarded in certain circles. He shows no confidence with the Sonic characters. Sally always looks half-asleep. Sonic, Knuckles, and Rotor are frequently off-model in a bad way.

Not being familiar with funny animal characters when you’re used to drawing people is one thing. Valentino’s humans look lousy too. The facial expressions are flat and comically broad. The proportions are cartoony and overdone. The other heroes look lousy, with giant chins and goofy eyeballs. Even Valentino’s own hero, ShadowHawk, looks like a broken action figure. The action is stiff and lifeless. “The book looks like shit” is the short version.

“Parallel Paradigm” is both bizarre and boring. The script is lame as hell. The artwork is terrible. Seeing Sonic and friends cross over with Spawn (however briefly) has a certain novelty factor, I'll admit. I mean, the book also includes thinly disguised version of Mulder and Scully. Batman, Spider-Man, and Popeye all have cameos. That oddness makes it an easier read than “Sonic Live!,” for all that’s worth. Look, I’m not saying it’s good. I’m actually saying it’s rather bad. Yet I’m kind of glad it exists, if only so I can prove to people it’s real. [3/10]