Sonic Universe: Issue 45

Sonic Universe: Issue 45
Publication Date: October 2012

For a while now, I’ve been talking about Ian Flynn’s habit of just sticking adaptions of whatever Sega’s new shitty Sonic game was into the back pages of the main book and forgetting about it. This “Another Time, Another Place” technique is one I’ve largely applauded. Yes, the stories still tend to be garbage but at least they get Sega’s shitty corporate mandates out of the way. Sega gets an advertisement for their new product, the comics ongoing arc isn’t interrupted and everyone is relatively happy. But I guess that agreement just wasn’t good enough for everyone. In October of 2012, Sonic’s corporate overlords would demand two whole comic issues tying in with their latest mediocrities. The first of which appeared in Sonic Universe issue 45.

So here’s the plot of the elegantly entitled “Sonic & All-Stars Racing Transformed Presents: Race for the Stars.” Sonic and a bunch of characters we’ve never met before - including professional NASCAR driver Danica Patrick, who is seemingly nonplussed about the weird cartoon world she is now inhabiting - gather for a race. In fact, it’s their second annual race and everyone is outfitted in a new high tech transforming vehicle, that can cross any terrain. Naturally, Eggman has to show up and ruin it all for everyone by being a huge asshole.

One of the most popular and iconic of all racing video games is Nintendo’s Mario Kart franchise. The series popularized the so-called Mascot Racer style of game, wherein a bunch of highly marketable characters get together and race around a track. Imagine how infuriating that must have been for Sega. That their greatest rival would stake the claim on fast-paced racing games, when their star series was supposed to be the one about going fast! Thus, Sega has made many half-assed attempts over the years to launch a Sonic-themed racing series. There was the utterly forgotten Sonic Drift handheld series, the mostly forgotten Sonic R for the Saturn, and some upcoming bullshit that nobody will play or like. None of these titles broke the pudgy plumber’s hold on the territory that Sega thought was rightfully theirs.

In 2010, Sega would have a little more success with “Sonic & Sega All-Stars Racing,” which was also their half-assed attempt at a “Super Smash Brothers” style inter-company crossover. As the title suggests, the game didn’t just star Sonic but a bunch of other Sega characters as well. The game was still a desperate knockoff of "Mario Kart" but it played decently enough and must have sold pretty well. I know the latter is true because a sequel arrived in 2012. That sequel would add the mostly superfluous gimmick of transforming cars that could turn into boats and airplanes and shit.

Which brings us to “Racing for the Stars,” Ian Flynn’s attempt to adapt that nonsense into a comic book. The execution is incredibly childish. Eggman is a buffoonish adversary here, a moronic man-child who enters the race in hopes of taking over the worlds of everyone present. (How he attempts to do this by winning a race, I'm sure I do not know.) He’s then humiliated over the course of twenty pages, the good guys naturally winning the day. There's also no explanation for how all these unrelated characters got here or why Sonic needs a race car when he’s already faster than most any vehicle on foot. There’s no time for logic, reason, or proper narrative tradition when we’ve got a product to sell.

As crass as this whole enterprise is, there is something to be said for the goofy fanboy glee of seeing a bunch of otherwise unrelated characters interacting in a neutral environment. I mean, it’s one of the reasons why silly crossovers like “Smash Bros.” and “Freddy vs. Jason” are so popular. So how does “Racing for the Stars” fair in that regard? Well, you never get much of sense of anyone’s personalities. “Jet Set Radio’s” Beat speaks exclusively in catchphrases. “Super Monkey Ball’s” AiAi comes off as an incredibly loud and shrieky cartoon thing. This pirate guy named Vyse, from some weeby RPG that Ian really likes for some reason, at least has a conversation with Tails about his world. We never learn much of anything about these guys and the book rarely utilizes their unique characteristics. The extra slots could've been filled by anyone. (And Ian's too lame to squeeze in a “House of the Dead” or “Golden Axe” reference, the coward.)

With a story that has so little to offer from a narrative standpoint, does “Racing for the Stars” at least look good visually? Well, yeah, of course. As I've said before, by this point in Archie Sonic history, we didn't have the artwork disasters we got back in the old days. In fact, Tracy Yardley's pencils are a step up in quality from his last few issues. A change of cast and scenery seems good for him. The race scenes are energetic. The vehicles are incorporated nicely. Yardley obviously has fun drawing the new characters. The only one he has trouble with is Danica Patrick, obviously because she's a real human female instead of a cartoon. So the artwork is pretty good. But it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters.

Ultimately though, issue 45 of “Sonic Universe” was a very depressing read for me. This comic book brings me no joy. It makes me feel nothing at all, save for a slow-burning contempt for myself and every other living thing in the universe. It’s one of the rare times when a comic of the same length with nothing printed on its pages would be of equal value. But Sega got their promotional tie in and Ian got paid, so I guess that’s all that matters. Damn this horrid thing to Hell and never let its sickening visage cross my eyes ever again! [3/10]