Some Thoughts on the Upcoming "Sonic" Movie

Recently, the internet has been all abuzz about the upcoming live-action “Sonic the Hedgehog” movie. And, as is all too typical of this franchise, the buzz has been largely negative. When a pair of teaser posters were revealed in December of 2018, showing little of this version of Sonic aside from his disturbingly muscular thighs, fans were horrified. Memes were quickly spawned and everyone had a good time dunking on this movie that won’t even be out for another eight months. More recently, clearly lit, full-body shots of Sonic’s movie redesign leaked. These too were greeted with jeers and disgusted scowls from many corners of the internet. The film’s production company quickly clarified that this is not the final design that will appear in the movie, which screams of damage control to me. Regardless of the exact details, we have a pretty good idea of what Sonic will look like in this movie. And most people hate it.

But perhaps I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s go back, way back, back before this iteration of Sonic was even a gleaming in some producer’s eye. See, I think most “Sonic” fans, especially in the modern era, come to the character through the video games. They would probably define themselves as “gamers” or what-have-you. I, on the other hand, have never been that plugged into the gaming world, save for my occasional love affair with a Dreamcast or Genesis. My primary fandom is film and has been most of my life. I’ve seen way too many movies. Most of my writing revolves around it.

So, I’m being one-hundred percent serious when I say I have been dreaming of a “Sonic the Hedgehog” movie most of my life. As a kid, I hoped for an animated feature adapted from Archie’s comic books, of course. In my twenties, I even kicked around the idea of writing my perfect “Sonic” movie. It would’ve fused early game lore with SatAM, naturally. Sonic and Tails’ quest to rescue their purloined “uncle” would bring them into an alliance with Princess Sally and the Freedom Fighters, defending the world against Robotnik’s Eggman Empire.

I envisioned a sinister Robotnik, obsessed with bringing order to a chaotic world. (Brian Cox in full-on Hannibal mode was my dream casting.) The last act would’ve featured Sonic battling his archenemy on the Death Egg. A half-roboticized Bunnie was among the Mobians the Freedom Fighters rescue before Robotnik’s warship takes to the skies. In my brain, the film would’ve had cartoony characters in photorealistic settings. Amy Rose, Bean the Duck, and the Tornado had small roles to play. I wanted a “hard PG” rating, if that makes any sense. An even more imaginary sequel would’ve loosely adapted “Sonic 3,” introducing Knuckles, Angel Island and Metal Sonic. Anyway, I never wrote it.

Little did I know, at the time, that several attempts had already been made to bring “Sonic” to the big screen. Among Ben Hurst’s varied attempts to revive “SatAM” was a proposed movie idea. Most infamously, at some point in the late 2000s, Ken Penders pitched a bonkers-looking movie called “Sonic Armageddon” to Sega. While I love the idea of an Archie-verse movie, Ken Penders writing a big-budget “Sonic” film – especially when the comic was going through one of its worst periods – makes me very nervous. Ken’s artwork suggests a dark movie steeped in Archie lore that Sega and the public likely would’ve rejected. The pitch video he put together inspired little confidence.

Neither of those ideas got very far but, in the mid-nineties, MGM came much closer to making a “Sonic” movie. Sega of America hired horror screenwriter Richard Jeffries, who produced a treatment entitled “Sonic the Hedgehog: Wonders of the World.” You can read all about this project and how it fell apart here but the short version is: The script had a young kid, struggling with bullies and his parents’ divorce, bringing Sonic and Robotnik out of “the game world” and into the “real” world. Sonic would’ve been a CGI character. Keep in mind, this was around 1995. So imagine how shitty that would’ve looked.

The film’s release was planned to coincide with the doomed “Sonic X-Treme,” meaning the entire project probably would’ve only hastened Sonic’s mid-nineties fall from the A-list. In the article, the producer mentions not wanting to make the missteps of the eighties "Masters of the Universe” movie. Yet it sounds like this proposed Sonic film had a nearly identical premise. Both make the fatal mistake of taking the characters fans are invested in out of their own world, dropping them into our boring world, and making some random asshole kid with random asshole kid problems the protagonist. Truly, is "Sonic the Hedgehog" not the story of a lonely boy learning to cope with his parents' divorce?

This new “Sonic” movie, that’s in active post-production and almost definitely will be released in the near future, sounds like it might make a similar mistake. In 2013, rumblings first began that Sony had acquired the rights to make a “Sonic” movie. Shortly afterwards in 2014, “Fist Fight” writing team Evan Susser and Van Robichaux were hired to do the script. (If that doesn’t excite you, it looks like their script has been rewritten by the scribes behind “Transylmania” and “The Cloverfield Paradox!”) In 2016, “Deadpool” director Tim Miller soon came on as a producer with his buddy Jeff Fowler – an animator whose only previous credit was Loony Tunes-esque short “Gopher Broke” – signed on as director. It seems like the movie didn’t move into active production until 2017, when Paramount acquired the rights. Now, filming has wrapped and the November 8th release date is speeding towards us like some sort of fast animal. I don't know, a cheetah or something.

All that time, we knew very little about what form this “Sonic” would take, other than it would be a combination of CGI and live action. As someone who is very used to the “Sonic” franchise disappointing me, I immediately imagined the worst. A film starring a small, CGI, talking animal amid human environments? That sounds like an obnoxious, lazy kids movie along the lines of “Alvin and the Chipmunks” or “The Smurfs.” This fear was not exactly calmed when James Marsden, star of “Hop,” signed on to be Sonic’s human companion. Is Sonic going to tell fart jokes in this movie? Will there be a dance party ending set to a top forty pop hit? Will this be like “Transformers,” where the non-human characters fans actually care about play second fiddle to some boring meatbags? Of course, there’s also the video game movie curse, which Hollywood still struggles to overcome.

As we learn more about the “Sonic” movie's premise, the story is sounding increasingly divorced from the source material. Apparently, in this film, Sonic is on the run from the U.S. government, takes shelter in a small town called Green Hills – an admittedly cute reference – and then teams up with the town’s sheriff to defeat Robotnik. The setting shifts to San Francisco sometime after that, it seems. So, what, is Sonic going to be some sort of top secret experiment? A genetically engineered superfast hedgehog soldier? Or will the movie go the “Sonic X” route and make him a transported alien? If the former is true, is Robotnik now his creator? I know modern Hollywood loves to tie together the origins of the hero and villain. There’s been rumors Robotnik will be a rogue CIA agent in the film, seemingly supporting this theory. At least they’re not calling him Eggman...

Yes, that does sound similar to the “Wonders of the World” treatment. Sonic will be removed from his traditional setting. Save for his archenemy, it seems none of his supporting cast are in the movie. Instead, it’s looking like he’ll be a co-star in his own movie. Which is actually about some random dude named Tom Wachowski for no apparent reason.

That Tom is being played by James Marsden, hardly anybody’s idea of an A-list movie star, further dampens my expectations. Especially since Paul Rudd, a popular actor people actually like, was supposedly in the running earlier. If a leaked piece of concept art is any indication, Sega initially hoped mega-star Chris Pratt would headline the movie. In fact, a supposed list of bandied-about names includes other Marvel superheroes like Chris Evans, Michael B. Jordan, and Jake Johnson. Nowhere on that list – not even under Justin Timberlake, Baby Driver, or the fucking star of “Heroes” – is James Marsden’s name. Suggesting he wasn’t even the fifth or sixth choice. Further suggesting a lot of people passed on the script. Suggesting further still, that it sucks.

Despite all the evidence giving me no reason at all to be optimistic, my obsessive “Sonic” fandom is forcing me to look on the bright side here. Tim Miller’s involvement does inspire some hope. I know “Deadpool” wasn’t everybody’s cup of tea but the character has certain similarities to Sonic. They are united by the ‘tude. At the very least, the movie’s head producer has made entertaining, popular films in the past. Back in June, Jim Carrey was cast as Robotnik. I know that certainly sounds like a potential disaster. Just based on physical appearance, Jim Carrey is famously scrawny, Robotnik is famously fat. But I am morbidly curious to see how it’ll play out. Carrey can be an excellent dramatic actor when he actually tries. There’s no reason to expect him to do this but, if he does play the part seriously, he may be a good choice. Also, Junkie XL is doing the music, so at least the movie will sound good.

If nothing else, the movie has nailed the casting of Sonic. I didn’t know who Ben Schwartz was when it was announced he was playing the part, even though the guy has been in various critically acclaimed films and TV shows. He also has voice-over experience playing nineties-related characters associated with the color blue, being the voices of Dewey and Leonardo in the latest iterations of “DuckTails” and “Ninja Turtles.” The more I see and hear of the guy, including that delightful Larry King video, the more it seems like he’s the perfect pick.

I’ll admit, though, those teaser posters did little to get my already low hopes up. I didn’t hate that first poster the way most “Sonic” nerds did. I even admire the filmmakers for maintaining Sonic’s iconic silhouette. The muscular runners’ thighs were definitely off-putting though. Now, we’ve gotten a clear look at Sonic’s movie design. While the reception has been vomitus, I gotta tell ya, I don’t hate it. To me, it still looks like Sonic. He’s still a blue hedgehog with gangly limbs, big cartoon eyes, a tan belly, a little black nose, a cocksure smirk, and a large head with a buzzsaw hairdo. I even find some of the changes rather clever. Instead of his eyes being joined in a weird mono-lid, a perfectly acceptable look in animation that would be very strange in real life, he now has separate eyes connected by a bridge of white fur on his nose. I even find Sonic’s red-and-white sneakers becoming Nikes a genuinely funny example of product placement.

I don’t like everything about the design. The legs are still weird. The lack of socks, which only draws further attention to the weirdness of the legs, is inexplicable. The decision to nix the gloves in favor of white fur on the hands is too clever. Just give him gloves, goddamn it. Still, the design is hardly the crime against humanity the internet is making it out to be. It’s certainly nowhere near as hideous as the Platinum Dunes Ninja Turtles or Will Smith’s Genie. A lot of fan reinterpretations I’ve seen of Movie Sonic seem to think you could just stick video game Sonic, with some extra detailed fur, into a live action setting. That wouldn’t work either, as prior fan projects have proven. Over all, I think this big budget take on Sonic is a good compromise.

Too bad my opinion doesn’t matter because the damage is done. Many Sonic fans were going to hate the movie anyway. The past has shown that, for some hardcores, any deviation from what they consider their definitive version of Sonic is heretical. (Never mind that there’s never been a definitive version of Sonic...) Will those bitchy fanboys come to embrace the film the way they eventually did the “Sonic Boom” cartoon? Maybe. Probably.

To the wider audience, the movie already seems like a joke, an unnatural aberration of a mostly forgotten pop culture artifact who is largely remembered as a joke anyway. Especially when compared to the “Detective Pikachu” movie, whose character redesigns have been well received. Whose trailers have converted even skeptical viewers into fans. The victor of the console wars was decided long ago. Once again, Nintendo is beloved and successful. Once again, Sega is the loser desperately clinging to its highly antiquated “cool” past, embraced only by weirdos and perverts. And even the weirdo perverts might hate this movie.

Yes, I am slightly bitter that the “Sonic” franchise seems to have bungled its next chance – maybe its last chance? – to win over a large audience again. As much as I want to blame this one on Sega’s inability to learn from their past successes, even Yuji Naka has distanced himself from this movie. Regardless of the finished product’s actual attributes, the quality of which is far from guaranteed, it already seems this movie will be remembered as a joke. This doesn't bode well for its box office chances either.

From the moment the “Sonic” movie was announced, I was filled with equal amounts of excitement and dread. Excitement because my childhood dream of seeing Sonic on the big screen was actually coming true. Dread because I knew – I fucking knew – they were going to screw it up. There's no way the real deal will live up to a lifetime of expectations. So my biggest hope, the best that I can expect, remains borderline competence. If the movie is anything better than a complete fucking dumpster fire, I will be overjoyed. I already know the best case scenario is me exiting the theater, sighing heavily, and grumbling “It could’ve been worst.” It seems many fans can’t even be that optimistic. Many have already made up their minds that the movie will be an Uwe Boll-level disaster.

The final verdict remains to be seen. Regardless of what happens next, you can rest assured that this won’t be Hedgehogs Can’t Swim’s last rambling dissertation on this topic. I imagine I’ll have many more thoughts to share once the trailer hits. Obviously, I’ll write a (probably very long) review when the movie finally comes out. Until then, it'll be business as usual here. Back to comic write-ups next time, including an IDW review during the weekend, I promise.