Weird Sonic Stuff I Want for Christmas

As a franchise that has existed for over twenty years, “Sonic the Hedgehog” has produced a lot of  tie-in products. Considering Sonic was from the beginning, and continues to be, kind of a weird series, it's not surprising that some of these tie-in products are a little funky. A bit strange, ya know what I mean? My personal “Sonic” collection is pretty modest, as far as these things go. Aside from my nearly complete Archie Sonic collection, I have a handful of figures, some old plushes, and all my original Genesis games. But that's it. Nothing too special. 

If money and space were no object, I would absolutely own a bunch of weird “Sonic” shit. In the spirit of the Christmas season, to celebrate this most capitalistic of American traditions, I've decided to list eight strange bits of “Sonic” merchandise that I sure would like Santa Claus to bring me this year. 

8. Japanese Sonic Curry!

This is the most “basic bitch” of my picks tonight. Back in 2018, this officially licensed Japanese curry product went viral. Yes, it was basically an easily prepared meal of rice and bright blue curry, that the diner was encouraged to shape into the general outline of Sonic's head. While many found the bright blue color of the curry disturbing, those who actually ate the product described it as relatively tasty... Though with the unsightly side effect of staining your bowl movements bright blue. But that's a small price to pay for getting a chance to say you ate, digested, and shitted Sonic the Hedgehog. 

The Sonic curry doesn't seem to be readily available anymore but, if you do stumble across a package, it's probably safer to eat than a can of Franco-American Sonic pasta would be. 

7. Sonic Dance Power CDs!

In Europe, Sonic seems have experienced a similar life cycle to what he had here in America. That is to say: While the series has survived thanks to die-hard fans, the franchise has never reached the heights of its early-to-mid-nineties popularity. At the same time Sonic was arguably the most popular and beloved video game character, another pop culture trend was blazing its way through Europe: Electronic dance music! 

In 1995, some genius in the Netherlands had the idea to mash up these two fads. The result was the “Sonic Dance Power” series of CDs. The “Sonic” connection usually extended no further than the front of the CD cases. Sonic and friends would grace the covers, sometimes depicted as stock art and sometimes brought to life by slightly off-model original illustration. Musically, the songs had nothing to do with Sonic and were a random collection of then popular dance numbers. 

If you look at the songs, only a few names jump out as recognizable. Genuine star acts – Bobby Brown, Aaliyah, Coolio, the Backstreet Boys, Blackstreet, the Prodigy – stand alongside Eurodance one-hit-wonders – Corona, Rednex, Haddaway, Captain Jack, Scatman John, the Outhere Brothers – and a bunch of other acts I've never heard of. Scanning the track list, I even see techno remixes of familiar songs like “Colors of the Wind,” “Total Eclipse of the Heart,” “The X-Files” theme song and even “Hava Nagila!” 

As fascinating a collision of nineties pop culture debris as this is, an interest in Eurodance is not the main reason I'd like to own the Sonic Dance Power CDs. It's because some of these songs are notoriously vulgar. “Lick It" by 20 Fingers is an ode to oral sex. “I Wanna Be a Hippy” by Technohead expounds on the joys of marijuana use. “Useless Man” by Minty features a string of naughty words. Several tracks from a group calling themselves Tokyo Ghetto Pussy were featured. That is simply hilarious. And, considering volume eight was packaged with a demo for 'Sonic & Knuckles Collection,” we can assume this was all officially licensed by Sega. Boy, they were really asleep at the wheel at the time!

6. French Sonic figurines!

There have been a lot of “Sonic” figurines produced over the years. Usually, the line-up doesn't extend too far beyond Sonic and his most famous video game pals. If you find a toy of Big the Cat or some of the classic Badniks, that's a rare discovery. In 1997, the French company Feve produced a series of “Sonic” figures made of fine china. While Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, and the “AoStH” version of Robotnik were present in this line, there were a few deeper cuts too. Such as a Flicky – which is brown, despite being named as a bluebird – a Burrobot, and obscure animal friend Ricky the Squirrel... Who is identified as Sally Acorn. While the paint applications are pretty spotty, I'd still love to own these rare items. They pop on eBay occasionally, at high prices. 

5. Sonic Bubble Bath Bottles!

You might be noticing a reoccurring theme with my wish list here... Around 1995, USA cosmetic company Avon released a trio of “Sonic” themed shampoo/conditioners for kids. Each bottle was topped with a soft plastic “finger puppet” toy. This included Sonic, Knuckles, and Sally. As any longtime Archie Sonic/SatAM fan knows, merchandise of Sally is extremely rare. I'm not sure how Avon went about selecting her, but I'm guessing they hoped to appeal to girls as much as boys with this product line. And Sally was more prominent in the franchise at the time than Amy Rose was. The finger puppet of Sally has slightly dead eyes and a weird mouth but still looks pretty good. 

People online are all too aware of the mixture of rarity and fan devotion around these characters, which is why a bottle of the Sally shampoo is currently selling on eBay for 750 dollars. Will some rich furry drop a hard-earned chunk of cash on a bit of rubber? Probably. (The Knuckles and Sonic ones are pretty cool looking too.)

4. Sonic the Fighter Plushes!

Like I said, if you're a “Sonic” collector who is devoted to just collecting likenesses of the blue hedgehog, Tails, or Knuckles, you could easily fill an entire room with the various toys and stuffed animals based on them. (And some people have done just that.) But, if you're like me and are equally interested in the more obscure cast members, you'll have a lot more trouble finding much merchandise for them... With a few exceptions. When “Sonic the Fighter” was released in Japan in 1997, plush toys of each of the game's characters were released. They were available exclusively through “UFO Catchers,” which were basically fancy claw machines. 

So, yes, plushies of Bark the Bear, Bean the Duck, Nack the Weasel, and Espio the Chameleon were produced. Which is pretty cool. They look adorable and I'd love to have one. I've never seen one go up for sale but I imagine they would sell for a lot. 

3. Restaurant displays!

It may not surprise you to read that it's just not obscure movies and blue hedgehogs that I'm obsessed with. Yes, I do have a soft spot for restaurant advertising ephemera. Especially with anything related to my nostalgia for childhood Happy Meals and similar things. I was obsessed with Happy Meal toys as a kid, collecting them with a hunger far more ravenous than I had for any cheeseburgers. Whenever visiting the lobby of the fast food palace, I always ran up to the Happy Meal toy display. These often placed the toys and figures in elaborate play sets, often resembling whatever show or movie the characters originated in.

For the “Sonic the Hedgehog 3” tie-in – obviously among my favorite of any Happy Meal prizes – McDonalds put together a beautiful display based on the first level of “Sonic 3.” There's a cliff, a beach, some vines, and a palm tree that even includes a hiding Monkey Boy Badnik. I can't tell you how much I would've loved to have owned a display like this as a kid, that I could've marched my Sonic toys around. My own personal Castle Greyskull for tiny Sega shenanigans. 

Also, when Denny's was selling a pair of plushes based on the “Underground” versions of Sonic and Knuckles, they also had a pretty neat lobby display. Not as cool as the McDonald's one, owing to it being a lot less toyetic, but still kind of neat. These items also occasionally get listed on eBay, with absurd price tags attached. 

2. Sonic Obama Backpack!

Being a widely recognized pop culture icon, lots of bootleg and knock-off Sonic merchandise has surfaced over the years. Some time late last decade, a mysterious image appeared online. It displayed a backpack printed with a picture of a badly mis-colored classic Sonic. A number 10 was on his belly. Above his head were the words “Harry Potter.” To his left, in big letters, was “OBAMA.” This image was so baffling that it couldn't help but immediately become a meme. Why would a bootlegger randomly mash up these three ingredients? If they were just attempting to throw together three popular things, why include Sonic, who was far past his peak popularity by the time Barack Hussein got elected? If you were going to pick Sonic, why go with the classic design for similar reasons? 

Nobody knows where the Obama-Harry-Potter-Sonic image originated from. Nobody has ever been able to procure an actual specimen of this notorious item, though replications can be easily found. The mystery of why the Sonic Obama backpack was made, or where it came from, is only further elevated by the question of if it even existing in the first place. Obviously, if someone was able to get their hands on an original one of these backpacks, it would be the proud centerpiece of any “Sonic” collection.

1. The Sega World Sydney Relics!

One of these days I'm going to have to talk in more detail about Sega World Sydney, a doomed in-door amusement park Sega owned and operated in Australia's most opera-house-adjacent city. Or, at least, I would talk about it if the theme park's Quixotic existence hadn't been well documented in several other places around the internet. For a hyper-nerdy breed of “Sonic” fan, Sega World Sydney is especially a point of fascination. Alongside the usual suspects, Princess Sally was one of the mascot characters of the park. If you're reading this, you probably already know that this twist of fate is what saved the character during Archie Comic's “Endgame” story arc from Ken Penders' cruel whims.

Sally's prominent placement in this destined-to-failed enterprise came with it a great deal of merchandise. For Archie Sonic fanatics, these items have become much desired Holy Grails. An incredibly ugly plush was produced of our favorite princess, with a hand puppet seemingly being made based off the same design. A collectible water bottle allowed hardcore fans the opportunity to drink liquids right out of Princess Sally's head. A bendy action figure is probably the coolest of these Sally relics. Her likeness also graced entrance cards, cardboard cups, and T-shirts. As you've probably guessed, this stuff has become highly sought after collector's items and goes for astronomical prices on eBay. 

Sega was so sure that Princess Sally could be the Minnie Mouse of their private Disney Land, they even produced a life-sized costume for park employees to roam around in. Which was also utilized in a live musical based on “Sonic” that was performed in the park, something I'm definitely going to write about for this blog some day. Most prominently of all was the  life-sized statues of Sonic and Sally that greeted every customer who visited the park. Three years ago, a fan discovered the remains of the statues – or one of the statues anyway – moldering in an Australian junk yard. There have been few updates since then. 

Anyway, those are eight “Sonic” related pieces of junks I'd like to own but probably never will. Thanks for reading! Moreover, thanks for sticking with Hedgehogs Can't Swim through this tumultuous year and the blog's recent lack of updates! I've currently got updates banked up through March, so I'm guaranteed to keep posting until at least then. In the meanwhile, Merry Christmas and happy holidays. If you are reading this, I'm glad you survived 2020. Let's keep going into the scary future together.