Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, Episode 1.14: The Robotnik Express

Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, Episode 1.14: The Robotnik Express

Original Air Date: September 24th, 1993

It's good to know that, even though Robotnik is a tyrannical despot, he still believes in the merits of public transportation. Because we're all about trains today, baby. In "The Robotnik Express," Scratch and Grounder are transporting a shipment of bombs to Robotnik via train. A pair of dim-witted bears, Big Griz and Mad Mike, want to rob the train as a blow against the dictator they hate. Yet these guys are so dumb that they are easily convinced Scratch and Grounder are Sonic and Tails and Sonic and Tails are Scratch and Grounder. Our speedy hero and his two-tailed sidekick have to contend with this double dose of stupid and also stop the train from going over an incomplete bridge and exploding a village. 

The last episode I reviewed involved introducing a character possessing even less intelligence than the dumb-ass robots Sonic usually fools every single episode. "The Robotnik Express," which was produced three episodes after "Big Daddy" but aired directly afterwards, has a similar plot contrivance. With just mere words, Scratch and Grounder convince the bears that they are Sonic and Tails. This is despite the fact that the bears know Sonic is fast and Tails has two tails, qualities Scratch and Grounder clearly do not possess. No wonder Sonic is the hero of Mobius. He seems to be the smartest person on a planet overrun with simpletons.

As I've previously stated, "Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog" is a surreal hellscape were nothing matters but certain events repeat like clockwork every day. Sonic will don multiple disguises every episode and the bad guys will always fall for it. Scratch and Grounder will fuck things up by being morons. It also seems plots about mistaken identities or imposters are going to be incredibly common as well. Yet "The Robotnik Express" is incredibly repetitive even within its own run time. Several different times Big Griz and Mad Mike introduce themselves as Da Bears. This is a reference to the Chicago Bears football team and the Great Lakes dialect common in and around that city, which was made especially famous in the early nineties by a "Saturday Night Live!" sketch.

Why was a children's cartoon referencing regional sports teams and a late-night comedy show aimed at adults? I don't know the answer to that question but I'm going to guess it's because, once again, the writers were lazy and bored. They probably figured shouting out "Da Bears!" might make any adult watching along with their kids chuckle. And then they just kept repeating the joke, because they were bad at comedy. As a then-relevant pop culture gag, it'll come off as totally random and inexplicable to modern, younger viewers. Unless they're from Chicago, I guess. (Mad Mike, despite his hillbilly overalls, also speaks with an Inland Northern accent but Big Griz sounds more like Rocky Balboa for no reason. I'm going to credit that to Gary Chalk having only so many doofus voices in his repertoire.) 

Anyway, that's not interesting. Recently, I've said that Robotnik acts more like an asshole boss who abuses his employees than a brilliant grand director. While Coconuts just wants a promotion, or an attaboy at the very least, Scratch and Grounder desire something more. At the beginning of this episode, the two robots are childishly arguing over who will get to pull the train whistle. Each robot is convinced they are Robotnik's most loved creation, using that exact wording, which gives them authority over the choo-choo. This makes Robotnik an even bigger scumbag. He treats his robots like disposable employees after programming them to love him like he's their father. That's fucked-up, man.

"The Robotnik Express" doesn't just acknowledge love. It also acknowledges death. During an oddly serious moment in this otherwise farcical half-hour, Sonic becomes concerned Tails will be crushed in a train tunnel. The episode also attempts to mine dramatic tension from whether that village of easily panicked buffalo people will be exploded by the falling train. Of course, everything works out okay. But it is a little weird that a cartoon that has no problem crashing its villains into cave roofs or smashing its enemies to pieces would pause to mention mortality at all. I guess the rules of cartoon slapstick invulnerability only apply to bad guys?

Then again, this has always been a show that slingshots between the dumbest, laziest slapstick imaginable and awkward acknowledgment of real life issues. Such as those notorious Sonic Sez edutainment section. This installment of Sonic Sez tells kids not to get into vehicles driven by strangers. Of course, it does this by having a crudely disguised Scratch and Grounder attempt to coerce Tails into a car. (Apparently the bad guys are not the only people susceptible to paper-thin disguises in this universe.) Except Scratch and Grounder just want to capture Tails for Robotnik. Real people trying to grab kids off the streets usually have far more sinister intentions. It's still just so fucking weird that a cartoon this ridiculous tried to educate kids on how not to get kidnapped, raped, or murdered. Surely somebody working on this show felt the disconnect? Or were they all just that focused on getting through the work day? I guess sometimes you just gotta get paid. 

If I made this episode sound interesting, I apologize. It's really rather shit. The animation is bad, the train looking like a child's drawing and Sonic visibly going off-model several times. The only jokes that land is a brief moment where Scratch and Grounder admit their opponent correctly identified their stupidity and Long John Baldry's ability to roll his Rs with extreme gusto. Mostly, the Bears — excuse me, Da Bears — really irritated me. But I guess annoyances are to be expected when you are watching a cartoon made in Hell. [4/10]