Sonic: Night of the Werehog

Sonic: Night of the Werehog (2008)

It's that time again, Hedgehogs Can't Swim readers. We are a mere 48 hours away from Halloween, the spookiest night of the year and my personal favorite holiday. As I usually do in late October, I celebrate the occasion by writing about something creepy, scary, or at least a little spooky related to the "Sonic" franchise. This is not always easy to do. "Sonic" is a series meant for children, of course, so it tends to shy away from frightening shit... Except for that one time it made a classic horror trope a core gameplay mechanic in a flagship title. 

Now, I love old monster movies. I live for that shit. Yet I'm not really a fan of the Werehog, as I've expressed in the past. There's a couple of reasons for this. Mostly because I think "Sonic Unleashed" is a mediocre game, yet one more in a long series of mediocre "Sonic" games. I also always thought it was weird that Sonic, already a cartoon hedgehog, could turn into a cartoon werewolf thing as well. Even this is not the real reason I dislike the Werehog premise so much.

The truth is... It's not scary. Sega introduced the idea of werewolves into Sonic's world but didn't let him do anything werewolf-like. He pretty much just acts like a slightly grumpier version of Sonic. They even gave the Werehog a bizarre superpower, of rubbery, stretchy limbs. Ya know, like... werewolves are... known to have??? It was simply a stupid game mechanic, that didn't really affect the characters or narrative in any significant way. It just meant the cool, 2D side-scrolling parts of the game had to pause so we could play a tedious, half-assed brawler. If Sega was going to monsterify Sonic, they should've tried a whole hell of a lot harder. 

Nevertheless, my petty old fanboy bitching aside, the Werehog is beloved in certain corners of the "Sonic" fandom. Mostly by people who played "Unleashed" when they were kids. (That game now being thirteen years old is far scarier than any movie monster could ever be.) And "Unleashed" did lead to a number of amusing side-projects. Such as "Sonic: Night of the Werehog," a haunted house-themed eleven minute short film released in, uh, late November to help promote the video game. 

The plot of "Night of the Werehog" concerns a towering mansion somewhere in the countryside, occupied by three ghosts. That would be Lah, a cutesy female spirit, and two buffoonish male ghosts, Su and Uh. The boys try and win Lah's affection by snapping photographs of visitors to the mansion after they've frightened them. For undefined reasons, Sonic and Chip step into this mansion. Upon seeing a photo of Sonic — which Su and Uh snapped some pics of while photographing the easily spooked Chip — Lah is enamored. Su and Uh go into a jealous rage and attack Sonic, who quickly transforms into the Werehog. 

If nothing else, I enjoy the spooky ambiance of "Night of the Werehog." Even though there have been a few vaguely Halloween themed levels over the years, Sega has never truly embraced a spooky aesthetic before in the games. So just seeing Sonic hanging out inside a rickety old mansion, with creepy old portraits and dusty furniture hanging around, is fun. The moment Su and Uh possess old suits of armor and harass the heroes feel like Sonic and Chip have dropped into the middle of an episode of "Scooby-Doo." And I can definitely appreciate that. 

Sadly, "Night of the Werehog" does not focus solely on spooky vibes and goofy, ghost-adjacent tomfoolery. Like all "Sonic" media is cursed to do, this degrades into juvenile action theatrics eventually. Su and Uh fuse together into a beefy cartoon bull guy, that the furverts have definitely drawn porn of, and trade fisticuffs with the Werehog. I didn't quite understand how the ghost could shift in and out of the physical realm in this sequence. The fight mostly seems designed to show off the stretching powers Sonic has in this form. Which I've already declared to be my least favorite attribute of this character. I guess I think it would've been funnier if this spooky dilemma was resolved as a wacky misunderstanding and not an all-out brawl. 

Still, I do like the ghosts a lot. Su and Uh — I'm assuming those goofy names are weird Japanese puns that didn't quite translate — have amusingly cartoony designs. They remind me a lot of the nineties version of Casper's uncles, which strikes me as a likely influence. The mansion they hang out in has a really cool asymmetrical design too. And Lah, of course, is by far the most popular character to emerge from this film. That's probably because she's a kawaii anime girl. I genuinely like her design though. How the spectral body tapering off to a point is made to look like a dress or a mermaid tail, with a big pink bow on the end. How she's done up in these bright purples and pinks, even having a little heart on her cheek. Even though this is Lah's only real appearance in any “Sonic” media, you can still find fan art of her very easily. She's about as popular as a one-off can be. (Funny enough, the far less popular Su and Uh are the ones that actually appeared in “Sonic Unleashed,” albeit only as cameos.)

Another reason Lah might be popular is, well, she has a crush on Sonic. Or, more specifically, the Werehog. Yes, this cute little ghost girl is a certified furry and another potential love interest for Sonic. Even though this is a horror movie inspired cartoon, romance is really what's on its mind. Su and Uh hope to please Lah with their photographs, even after her fixation on Sonic begins. The concluding moment of “Night of the Werehog” has the ghost disguising herself with Chip, so she can get a selfie with the big fluffy werewolf. Some have interpreted this as a “say no to simping” moral, though Su and Uh's experience seems to have done nothing to discourage their attachment to Lah. Honestly, I sort of wish these characters would show up in the comics or something, as I'm curious about what the hell their story is.

Even though this cartoon is thirteen years old, it still looks pretty good. The animation was done by a company called Marza Animation Planet, which is a spin-off of Sega's game studio made to do CGI cartoons. Unsurprisingly, they have mostly worked on video game spin-offs, including last year's “Sonic the Hedgehog” feature film. The textures are pretty good, the lighting looks great, and the characters are expressive. Honestly, the degree of squash and stretch on display here would've been a smart thing to incorporate into the video games. It's pretty lively and nicely captures a feeling that is both cartoonishly silly and boo-haunted-house levels of laid-back Halloween fun.

The only real complaint I have about the animation is that maybe it's a little too detailed. The weird cartoon human designs from “Sonic Unleashed” are maintained, which I really don't like. So much of the plot involves taking pictures of characters' faces as they scream. So we are greeted to countless close-ups of Chip's face as his mouth hangs open and his tongue extends out. I'm not sure I really needed to see that. We probably could've done with a lot less of that. 

I don't know why it took me so long to watch “Night of the Werehog,” though I guess my indifference to “Sonic Unleashed” was probably a factor. It even got a push outside of the internet and gaming circles, as it was available to watch on Comcast's On Demand service back in the day. (It also played at some of those fancy arcades Sega has in Japan.) I bet kids would enjoy it and I managed to have some fun with it, even if it's still a relic from an era of “Sonic” history I'm not eager to revisit. It's probably the second best thing to come out of "Sonic Unleashed," after that one interview John Carpenter gave about the series. I'd say that's probably worth a [7/10.] 

Lastly and most importantly, Happy Halloween to all Hedgehogs Can't Swim readers! Get out there and trick or treat, if you can. If you can't, scarf down as much candy and sweets as possible. Watch spooky movies, read scary movies, carve a pumpkin, and generally revel in the spirit of the season.

Sonic the Hedgehog (IDW): Issue 46

Sonic the Hedgehog (IDW): Issue 46

Publication Date: October 27th, 2021

October always goes by in a blur for me. I spend the whole month watching and reviewing as many horror movies as I can. That project tends to take over my whole life for six weeks. Before I know it, Halloween is almost here... In fact, I'm so focused on that shit that I tend to forget about other things. Like comic books! Hey, did you know that a new issue of IDW's "Sonic" on-going came out today? I didn't! Well, I mean, I found out pretty quickly but it definitely caught me off-guard. Luckily, my devotion to you, dear readers, is such that I'll squeeze reading this comic in on my lunch break. 

Anyway! "Trial by Fire, Part 2" begins with Belle awakening in the blazing forest. Her hand is on fire and the same Motobug that startled her earlier appears to put out the flame. Tangle soon appears to help the little puppet out. The two continue further into the burning woods, to help locate the park ranger's missing son. Meanwhile, the crowds at the camp start to get out of control, the ranger hopelessly attempting to prevent a stampede. Amy and Jewel help restore order and organize a fire-fighting routine. But the danger is far from over...

Part two of "Trial by Fire" is mostly devoted to giving some characters big hero moments. The smoke in the forest debilitates Tangle, forcing Belle to take control of the situation. She commands Tangle to use her tail-activated pneumatic-leg super-stomping ability to help rescue the kid. A little later, in one of the issue's best moments, she uses a previously unseen comedic ability to calm the child's jangled nerves. Meanwhile, in the parking lot, Amy encourages Jewel to talk to the crowd. The bug is anxious at first, feeling like she's not qualified to lead and has done a shitty job with the Restoration lately. Amy gives Jewel the necessary pep talk and Jewel takes control of the angry mob. 

By some metrics, this is satisfying character development. Belle comes through when she's needed, overcoming her own insecurities to help someone in need. Belle is haunted by the idea that she's not cut out to be a hero but, here she is, being a hero almost on instinct. Jewel, meanwhile, is proving that she can be a creditable leader in a time of crisis. Yet, because I'm a grouchy old man that is impossible to please, I feel like the comic doesn't totally earn these moments. Belle's despair and anxiety has been so severe here of late, that I find it difficult to believe that she would get over them this quickly and save the day without even thinking about it. 

Jewel's big moment, meanwhile, isn't enough to overcome the fact that she is an awkward fit for a leadership position. That she has done a mediocre job with the Restoration, at least from most of the actual evidence the book has given us. Amy was a natural, cool leader in the comic's first two years and this recent attempt to slide her out of that position, and quickly set Jewel up as her replacement, still isn't working. I don't dislike Jewel but I still feel like we aren't invested enough in her to care about this stuff. All this moment really does is continue to weaken Amy's characterization, something the book is just committed to doing here of late. (Also, I don't accept that a crowd as angry as this one would accept Jewel barking orders at them, much less that they would wait for Amy to give her a pep talk first.)

And now it's time for me overanalyze other aspects of this comic book meant for children. Because this issue left me with a pretty big question: Where are the firefighters? An out-of-control fire is consuming a large forest and a single park ranger is the only official around to deal with it. Does Mobius​ "Sonic's world" not have any sort of public services? Did this civilization have any sort of government before the Restoration? I know Sega likes to make ridiculous sweeping statements like "money doesn't exist in Sonic's world," really throwing into question about how anything about this universe works. The complete lack of any sort of structure meant to let society function safely just makes Sonic's world as vague as possible. I'm guessing we aren't meant to think that hard about it but, goddamn, this shit bugs me.

I'm being very negative but I did enjoy some aspects of this issue. Mostly, the Helpful MotoBug. Observant Sonic nerds pointed out that the MotoBug that seemingly "attacked" Belle at the end of the last issue was, in fact, the MotoBug we saw Mr. Tinker working on back in issue 12. He's even maintained his habit of making topiaries shaped like Sonic's head. Helpful MotoBug continues to be helpful here, putting out the fire on Belle's hand and swooping in to help save the day at the issue's end. The character only has its body language to express itself, which does nothing to change how adorable it is. I love the way it cheers when Belle is safe, how it gingerly crosses its mandibles, even covering its eyes in fear at one point. How friggin' adorable is that? I hope Helpful MotoBug sticks around as Belle's sidekick. I want them to make a cuddly stuffed animal of this character now. 

Because this is an ongoing comic book, that must always tease the next big event, various events in this issue point towards the impending "Imposter Syndrome" mini-series. Surge and Kit, characters already beloved by the fandom despite the fact that they haven't actually done anything yet, briefly appear in silhouette. The last issue set up various red herrings about how this forest fire got started. It suggested that Belle's built-in lighter might have been responsible. Or maybe it was the ranger's son, Ashe, and his flammable Wisp friend that accidentally sparked the flame. Either event would have forced some characters to grapple with some juicy guilt, furthering a moral about forgiveness and responsibility towards the natural world. Nope, turns out it was just Surge and Kitt. The bad guys did the bad thing. Seems like a missed opportunity...

Also, Adam Bryce Thomas' artwork is just slightly off from his usual excellent standards in this issue. I'm not going to hold that against him. In fact, he still earns some points for sneaking in a surly porcupine Mobian in a trucker hat that bares more than a passing resemblance to Uncle Chuck. Am I being too hard on this issue? I certainly didn't dislike it but there are enough little things about it that are off, that prevent me from fully enjoying it. I suggest Evan include more Helpful MotoBug next time, that'll paste over all the flaws. [6.5/10]

Sonic X, Episode 1.09: The Last Resort

Sonic X, Episode 1.09: The Last Resort

Japanese Title: Amy on the Beach

Japanese Air Date: June 1st, 2003

U.S. Air Date: November 1st, 2003

Twice before, I've noted that, for whatever reason, the title "The Last Resort" was popular with the writers of the various "Sonic" cartoons. The writers of "Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog" and "Sonic Underground" both wrote an episode where our blue hero visits a vacation resort that is also a Robotnik trap. Both teams decided that "The Last Resort" was the most natural punny title for such a premise. I doubt the "Underground" team was aware of the earlier episode. When 4Kids localized "Sonic X," they took the descriptive if somewhat bland title "Amy on the Beach" and also changed it to "The Last Resort," even though the resort plays a small role in this episode. I'm betting this was also a coincidence but this happening three times in a row does make you wonder if there was some weird running joke going on here. (Recently, a "Sonic Boom" writer bemoaned his lack of awareness of this tradition. If he had known, we'd have a fourth "Last Resort" to look forward to.)

It's a little early in "Sonic X's" run for the traditional anime beach party episode but here we are anyway. Chris has to go in his mom's place to the opening of a luxurious seaside hotel. He'd rather be hanging out with his furry friends, who will be enjoying the beach at the Thorndyke's near-by private villa. Sonic opts out of attending, on account of his dislike of water, much to Amy's disappointment. As the crew chills on the beach, Eggman attacks the hotel Chris is at, planning to tear it down and build an amusement park in his image. Sonic eventually races into action, with Amy deciding to help.

My dislike of the Sonic/Amy ship is not just because I'm a lifelong Sonic/Sally fan. I've always found Amy's fixation on Sonic childish and her dogged pursuit of him bordering on the creepily obsessive. Yet I walked away from "Amy on the Beach" kind of getting it for the first time. Amy was looking forward to some ocean adjacent frolicking with Sonic. She fantasizes about the two of them splashing in the waves and all that. This characterizes her attraction to Sonic as a girlish crush... But it's kind of poignant too. In the episode's penultimate scene, Amy dreams about running behind Sonic on the beach... The love of her life always just a few steps ahead of her, always just out of reach. There's something wistful about that, a teenage girl hopelessly crushing on a guy she can never be with. 

Perhaps Amy's crush isn't too hopeless after all. After overhearing a human beach-goer making a lucky necklace for her boyfriend, to improve his swimming, Amy decides to do the same for Sonic. In the fight with Eggman, the necklace is crushed and then seemingly lost. That is until the final scene, which reveals Sonic not only held onto the bracelet but repair it too. Awwww! That's actually really cute. The way Amy vigorously defends Sonic from Eggman's centipede-bot, and Sonic later sucking it up and diving into the ocean to save Amy, suggests a mutual devotion that's more than platonic. 

Beyond the blatant ship-teasing, I suspect this episode is popular with young "Sonic" viewers for another reason: It has a lot of action. Eggman first attacks the hotel with a pretty cool looking octopus robot, which tangles Sonic up in its tentacles. An assist from Amy and a Power Ring leads to him smashing the machine, which then explodes gloriously. But we're not done yet, as Eggman's worker drones then combine into the aforementioned centipede-bot. This fight is not as cool to watch, as the image of Amy hammering away the various components of the machine are repetitively animated. But there's still plenty of mechanical mayhem in this one to entertain.

By this point, it's also pretty clear that the "Sonic X" version of Eggman is a goofball. He organizes an attack with a whole fleet of armed robots for the purpose of... Tearing down a hotel and putting up an amusement park? Seems like those resources have more practical applications, as far as world dominating goals go. Nevertheless, wanting to erect an amusement park themed after himself is a reoccurring obsession of Eggman, across pretty much all "Sonic" media. It's nice to see "Sonic X" carry on that tradition. I actually would've liked to have seen more of the twisted theme park stuff but this episode is pretty squarely focused on beach antics and Amy and Sonic's relationship.

"Sonic X" is definitely falling into a bit of a formula already. This is another episode that separates Sonic from his friends, so Eggman can wreck some havoc before our hedgehog hero zips in and saves the day. Chris also has a pretty small role in this episode, which probably belongs in the plus column. (Hard to relate too much to his "lonely little boy" vibes when we find out his family owns a fucking beachside villa. Chris, just do what all the other rich people do and pay someone to be your friend.) That kid needs to get his version of Jimmy Olsen's Superman Watch, if he's going to continuously need to get rescued by Sonic all the time. 

Anyway, this is a pretty cute episode. If nothing else, it's better than the other two "Last Resort" episodes. [7/10]

Sonic X, Episode 1.08: Satellite Swindle

Sonic X, Episode 1.08: Satellite Swindle

Japanese Title: Emergency Launch! X-Tornado

Japanese Air Date: May 25th, 2003

U.S. Air Date: October 25th, 2003

The eighth episode of "Sonic X" starts right off with the stock footage of Eggman inserting some playing cards into his computer and pulling the slot machine-like lever to choose his robot-of-the-week. This time, it's E-90 Peliculine, who is called "Super Sweeper" in the English dub. The bird-like robot flies into the upper atmosphere and sucks up all the Earth's satellites. This disrupts Chris and his furry friends watching TV, Eggman soon replacing all broadcast with his own show. Sonic and Tails fly after
E-90 but quickly find the Tornado can't handle operating at such high altitudes. Tails and Chuck decide to build a new Tornado, the X-Tornado, to take down this threat.

The last two episodes of "Sonic X" barely featured the titular hedgehog at all. Instead, they focused more on goofball scenarios playing out around Chris Thorndyke. While "Satellite Swindle" is still a pretty silly episode, Sonic at least plays a big role in it. This actually operates as an action cartoon for most of its runtime. Our blue dude with 'tude gets to leap around missiles flying through the sky. He casually leaps right through a government satellite in one scene, which is the kind of shit you do when you're a super-fast bad-ass. There's spin-dashing and robot smashing and big-ass explosions in this half-hour.

One could make the case that Sonic is actually too bad-ass in this episode. As the X-Tornado flies into the upper stratosphere, Sonic leap out of the cockpit and sits on the plane's hull. When ice starts to cover the jet, and creep over Sonic, Tails doesn't seem to think this is a cause for concern. He assures Chris that Sonic can take it, even when his entire body is frozen solid. I guess Sonic is so hot-blooded that he can handle existing in -50 degree temperatures at the edge of space. (Satellites are actually suspended in the exosphere, which is way colder than that.) While this is also true in the video games, where Sonic runs around in space all the time, it does make your suspension of disbelief to strain in a cartoon. 

Either way, Chris still has to hook up the X-Tornado's A/V cable to a Power Ring, to give Sonic the boost he needs to break out of the ice. After that, Sonic is even more unstoppable and quickly wrecks Eggman's plan. When I was reviewing Archie's "Sonic X" comic, I noted that quite a few early issues ended with Power Rings acting as Deus Ex Machinas, giving Sonic an improbable power boost needed to resolve all the story's problems. Now I see that the book was just being faithful to the TV show. As in "Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog," the hedgehog's ability to bend physics to his will makes you wonder why Eggman/Robotnik has ever been a threat to him. It really seems like Sonic could just grab a couple of rings and reduce Eggman's base to ashes in a few minutes. 

Even though this is definitely a more action-oriented episode than the last two, "Sonic X" still has to indulge its quirky sense-of-humor. That second scene has Cream watching a "Barney"-like TV show for pre-schoolers, featuring a large purple dancing creature named Next. When the TV goes out, she initially blames Tails — Cream just loves to shout accusations at her friends — but it soon becomes clear something bigger is going on. Instead of our intrepid heroes deciding that have more important things to worry about then television, everyone starts to bemoan the lack of their favorite programs. (Amy likes cooking shows and Mr. Tanaka likes samurai movies, by the way.) The scene then ends with Bokkun entering, yelling exposition, crying, and then exploding on Grandpa Chuck. Seeing "Sonic" characters exist alongside such mundane problems continues to strike me as surreal. 

This does not strike me as an especially important episode of "Sonic X" but it does make one significant contribution to the series' lore. That would be the introduction of the X-Tornado. Even though it's been established that the Tornado 2 has a jet mode, the series still felt the need to introduce a fancier airplane for Tails. The X-Tornado is powered by a Chaos Emerald and is outfitted with extra wings and bigger engines. It also has enough room inside for Chris, which I'm guessing was a primary reasoning behind its design. I can't say I really care for the design though. The X-Tornado looks more like something out of "Robotech" than "Sonic," resembling real world fighter jet than a cartoon bi-plane. This show's mechanical designer definitely prefers realism but still incorporates some of that cutesy "Sonic" energy into Eggman's robots — as seen in E-90's bird-like features — so I don't know why the X-Tornado is so boring looking.

By the way, what was the point of Eggman's scheme here? Was it holding all the world's satellites for ransom? Or was the point of the plan to replace all of Earth's broadcast with his own shows, that strictly exist to glorify him? That seems to be the gist of it but the script never actually specifies. Also, Sonic sure as fuck blows E-90 up at the end of the episode. Does that mean all the satellites were destroyed too? I guess not, as everything goes back to normal at the end. It definitely feels like this episode should've focused more on the entire tele-communications industry being crippled by Eggman's scheme, not just on TV signals being interrupted. It's possible I'm thinking too hard about this...

Aside from Cream's freak out when she can't watch her favorite show anymore, the cutest moment in this episode involves Amy taking up cooking as a hobby. She bakes a pie for Sonic and violently insists she be the one to give it him. Later, she makes him ice cream. I'm hardly a SonAmy shipper but I think Sonic might be a dumb-ass for not pursuing her. She made deserts for you, bro. That's love. Anyway, this is a mildly diverting episode though I think I might honestly prefer "Sonic X" in its goofier moods. [6/10]

Sonic X, Episode 1.07: Party Hardly

Sonic X, Episode 1.07: Party Hardly

Japanese Title: Giant Free-for-All! Chris' House Party

Japanese Air Date: May 18th, 2003

U.S. Air Date: October 18th, 2003

"Sonic X" remains in a goofy mood as we head into the seventh episode. Chris' mom is still at home and, feeling guilty for never being there for her son, decides to throw a big party for him. In hopes of gathering some intel, Mr. Stewart also invites himself to the party. Chris' uncle – eventually revealed to be Sam Speed – will also be there. Chris' mom then suddenly leaves home again. Meanwhile, Cream is missing her mom and decides to make flower crowns to remind herself of home. Sonic races off to gather some prime flowers for her. Once the party starts, Chris and Chuck will have trouble hiding their furry friends from the visitors. Especially after Cream has an outburst.

It's becoming clear to me that "Sonic X's" early episodes are definitely closer in tone to "Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog" than "SatAM." Which is to say that "Party Hardly" is the third episode in a row where really nothing happens. Sonic is only in a few scenes and the story arc of collecting the Chaos Emeralds is no closer to being resolved. Eggman isn't even in this one! Well, actually, one thing of importance does happen here: The Thorndyke house staff learns that Sonic and the gang are living with them now. This will presumably mean fewer wacky sitcom-like shenanigans going forward. Which is good, as I don't think the charade could have believably been kept going much longer.

Granted, this only happens at the very end of the episode. Meaning "Party Hardly" is still largely devoted to aggressively wacky scenarios. Chris and Chuck have to perform goofy hand gestures to keep Mrs. Thorndyke from seeing Cream. Later, the little bunny fucks shit up in the kitchen for Ella. After the party starts, things get really ridiculous. Cream steps out into the open, Sonic taunts Sam Speed from a tree, and Tails and Amy go running through the room. Chris and Chuck attempt to gaslight Ella and Sam, saying they were just hallucinating the talking animals, which is pretty funny. Also Mr, Tanaka nonchalantly reveals he's been aware of Sonic and the others the entire time, presumably because Mr. Tanaka is aware of everything that goes on at the Thorndyke residence.

I'll admit, the increasingly absurd circumstances around Chris' deception did make me laugh. Sam Speed rattling off a list of the things he does fast, and everyone clearly finding this insufferable, is a decent gag. Especially when it's followed up with him saying he forgets things fast too. Another round of gaslighting ending with Tails and Amy's sudden intrusion, ruining the previous effort, is some madcap goofball fun. But one of the funniest moments in the episode is probably unintentional. We know he's doing it because he's a spy but Mr. Stewart imposing himself on Chris' personal life suggests he's too invested in this student. But don't worry, guys, he's not a pedophile. He's just a huge fanboy of Chris' mom, as he arrives with a bundle of roses and is genuinely disappointed when he learns she's not at home. 

Speaking of Chris' mom! The episode begins with her attempting to cook a huge meal for Chris and burning every single item. Chris pretends not to be disappointed, presumably to protect his celebrity parent's fragile ego. But this is not the reason Lindsey Thorndyke is a shitty mother. Mere hours before Chris' party is set to start, Lindsey gets a phone call from her agent. She's been offered a movie role. Filming starts tomorrow and she has to do a press conference that night. She tearfully bemoans that she has to leave Chris behind again. Ya know, Lindsey, you could just... turn the offer down? I mean, you haven't read the script. Do you even know what the movie is about? Why are you accepting this job sight unseen? It's not like you need the money. You're married to Jeff Bezos, for fucks' sake. I can only conclude that being around her child is so painfully uncomfortable for Lindsey that she takes any excuse to leave him at home. All the tears and guilt are a façade. She is an actress, after all. 

Being abandoned once again by parents that clearly hate him leaves Chris crestfallen. At one point, he verbalizes his disappointment that mom isn't around. This causes Cream to launch into a rant at the boy, prompting her to say she hates him. If that seems like an overreaction, it's because Cream misses her own mom so much. This little bunny's mom is so sacred to her, that besmirching the name of any mother anywhere is blasphemous to her. Cream is basically a toddler, so she can be forgiven for this. Though you'd think she'd relate to Chris' plight, instead of criticizing him for it. He's even forced to apologize to her at the end, which seems pretty unfair to the kid. I'm honestly starting to feel sorry for the poor little rich boy. His life is so fucked-up. 

By the way, I love how hilariously melodramatic the Japanese title is for this episode. Describing this small gathering, even one that sinks into chaos, as a "Giant Free-For-All" seems to be overstating it a bit, don't you think? Anyway, it's another very dumb and mildly useless episode but it made me laugh a few times, so I guess its existence is justified. My patience is starting to run out but, for the time being, I still don't hate "Sonic X" yet. [6/10]

Sonic X, Episode 1.06: Techno-Teacher

Sonic X, Episode 1.06: Techno-Teacher

Japanese Title: Fierce Battle! School Wars

Japanese Air Date: May 11th, 2003

U.S. Air Date: October 11th, 2003

The sixth episode of "Sonic X" begins with Eggman coming to a conclusion: If he wants to take over the world, he needs to be admired. And children are naïve and stupid and therefore easy to impress. If he can brainwash kids into loving him, he's on his way to total global domination. To facilitate this goal, he sends a teacher robot named E-51 Intelligente to Chris' school. The kids immediately love the robot, the machine in turn growing fond of his students. Eggman is incensed that the kids are admiring the robot and not him, so he heads to the school and starts acting like an asshole. Eventually, Sonic rushes in and rescues Chris – who is missing out on a visit with his mom and dad – from this milquetoast threat. 

I referred to the previous installment of "Sonic X" as a filler episode. Yet at least it further developed Sonic and Knuckles' relationship. "Techno-Teacher" is way more of a filler episode. The Chaos Emeralds aren't even referenced in this half-hour. Eggman comes no closer to his goals of world domination and Sonic and his friends are no closer to heading home. Sonic isn't even in most of the episode, spending the majority of the runtime chilling on the roof of the Thorndyke mansion. His fight scene with Intelligente, which the Japanese title hyped up as a "fierce battle," lasts all of two minutes. One headbutt from Sonic is all it takes to explode the robot. This is the epitome of a filler episode, an installment that in no way moves the overall plot forward and has no effect on the rest of the show. 

But I'm used to "Sonic" cartoons acting as goofy comedy, so this doesn't really bother me too much. In fact, "School Wars" is a pretty amusing episode. The minute Intelligente arrives at the classroom, he throws Mr. Stewart out. The speed with which the kids grow attached to the robot suggests a government spy isn't a very good school teacher. Mr. Stewart is so stymied by this that he demands the military march in and destroy the machine. When that doesn't work, he goes to the police. The hamburger-munching cop is also unimpressed and ends up threatening to beat Mr. Stewart. A super-serious C.I.A. agent being repeatedly blocked in this absurd quest is pretty funny. I also admire the contempt this show to continues to have for American law enforcement. 

I'm also very used to Eggman/Robotnik being portrayed as an ineffectual egomaniac. Trying to trick a bunch of school kids into loving him, but just having them do shit like draw sketches of him, is definitely something "AoStH" Robotnik would do. When nobody wants a congratulatory Eggman sticker, and the villain just gives it to himself, I was especially reminded of the "Promotion" gag from "AoStH's" first episode. There's also some decent gags when Bokkun – thus far less manic than his comic book counterpart – calls Intelligente a bastard. Or when Frances repeatedly declares, in an over-the-top way, that she admires her robotic teacher so much, in direct opposition of Eggman's plans. 

It's dumb and childish and has very little to do with Sonic. But I still laughed a few times. Maybe this shit works for me a little better than expected because Japanese children's media is not so concerned with teaching kids morals, the way U.S. cartoons so frequently are. Which doesn't mean the characters don't learn a lesson. This whole ordeal seems to teach Mr. Stewart to value his students more. At the beginning of the episode, when Chris tells his furry friends that they'll have to hide while his parents visit, Sonic walks off. Chris wonders if the hedgehog is annoyed with him. When he arrives at the end to save the day, it seemingly proves to Chris that Sonic does care about him. 

Yes, this is a very Thorndyke-focused episode. We are given a little bit of insight into the dysfunctional relationship between Chris and his parents. Much the same way the "Underground" triplets and Archie Knuckles admired Queen Alena and Locke, despite them never being around, Chris cherishes his frequently missing parents. What is with the "Sonic" franchise and absentee parents? Chris' mom could believably be expected to be away from home for a long time, on location shoots or whatever, but his dad is a tech billionaire. He can work from home or something. Chuck makes excuses for his son but come on. When you're that rich, you can make your own goddamn schedule. Nelson isn't in Chris' life because he doesn't want to be. 

Despite leaving the actual day-to-day work of raising their son to his grandfather, a butler, and a maid, the Thorndyke parents still impose rules on Chris' life. They want him to behave like a normal child – again, in the giant mansion he lives in – so they don't have Tanaka pick him up from school. Despite that, when Chris is late returning home, Lindsey apparently almost called in the goddamn military. I guess, when you're that rich and famous, kidnappings and ransoms are genuine concerns... Yet this still feels like forcing their child to live a certain way while they're off doing whatever they want. My point is that Chris is going to grow up to resent his parents like crazy. 

Anyway... This is a show about a blue hedgehog that runs fast, right? I'm betting "School Wars" doesn't rank high on any "Sonic X" fan's list of favorite episodes. If you tuned-in on a Saturday morning, expecting to see your favorite spiny mammal kicking ass, this half-hour would definitely be disappointing. But it was weird and dumb enough to keep my attention. Perhaps watching all of "Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog" and "Sonic Underground" has irrevocably altered my expectations for hedgehog-related cartoons... [6/10]

Sonic X, Episode 1.05: Cracking Knuckles

Sonic X, Episode 1.05: Cracking Knuckles

Japanese Title: Clash!! Sonic Vs. Knuckles 

Japanese Air Date: May 4th, 2003

U.S. Air Date: October 4th, 2003

Knuckles is brooding on a dark and empty city street, when Eggman appears out of the shadows. Instead of immediately beating him to death, Knuckles listens as Eggman describes a sob story of how he wants to collect the Chaos Emeralds, just so he can go home... And Sonic is selfishly preventing him from doing so. Meanwhile, all signs point towards another Chaos Emerald being discovered in Silver Park. Tails, Amy, and Chris go to investigate while Sonic chills at the mansion, disinterested. The heroes arrive at the park but it's all been a trap. Eggman captures the sidekicks and sticks them in a giant robot. Soon, Knuckles issues a challenge to Sonic, forcing the hedgehog to head over to Silver Park. The hedgehog and the echidna duel it out while the others try to escape Eggman's prison. 

The fifth episode of "Sonic X" introduces an aspect of Knuckles' personality that seemingly every version of this series has to touch on eventually: He's gullible as fuck. Eggman tricking Knuckles into thinking Sonic is a bad guy worth punching has happened in "Sonic 3," the comics, "Underground," "Sonic Adventure," this show, and presumably the upcoming sequel to the live action movie. (Even though this show and "Adventure" take place after Knuckles has already learned that Eggman is untrustworthy and Sonic is generally a chill guy.) It's no wonder that the fandom, and eventually official Sega products, started portraying Knuckles as a complete idiot after a while. 

But Knuckles isn't an idiot. He's just naïve, on account of having lived on a floating rock by himself his whole life. Whether "X" gets that remains to be seen but it does understand the other aspects of Knuckles' personality. Eggman preys on Knuckles' sense of responsibility, saying Sonic's recklessness is keeping Knux from getting back to his job protecting the Master Emerald. This is a good contrast between Sonic's free-spirited nature and Knuckles' commitment to his sacred duty, the focal point of their rivalry. This depiction also understands that Knuckles' gruffness protects boyish vulnerability, via a final scene where Knux and Amy talk things out. It's a faithful and compelling take on the character, is what I'm saying. 

Also, watching Sonic and Knuckles wail on each other is usually pretty fun too. The Archie Comics did this so often, that it just came off as two macho teenage boys working some stuff out via punching. There's a little bit of that here too, as it's obvious Sonic's toying with Knuckles up until the echidna makes it clear he's not playing around. That point arrives when Knuckles starts dropping multiple trees on Sonic. The fight animation is a little repetitive, as the shot of Knuckles attempting to pummel Sonic is shown twice. But I still found myself enjoying this particular unnecessary fight scene. Sometimes, two dudes just gotta homoerotically smack each other around to realize they respect one another. 

The fight is the main attraction of this episode but there's other stuff. In the first scene, Chris, Chuck, and Tails are talking in his lab when stereotypical Latina maid Ella – a Japanese voice actress trying to do a Spanish accent is about what you'd expect – bursts in. Tails pretends to be a stuffed animal, leading to a broad comedic episode. "Sonic X" finds this gag so funny that they repeat it several times. Later, Chris takes a train into the park, with Tails and Amy pretending to be toys. It's hard to keep up this charade when an annoying child begins to yank on Amy's ear. This stuff reminds me of shitty old sitcoms like "Three's Company," where absurd deceptions are kept up strictly to insure wackier shenanigans occur. It's very dumb and unnecessary, though still less annoying than the comic relief on other "Sonic" cartoons.

Also, if you're wondering why Chris has to take the train: Mr. Tanaka, his vaguely Kato-esque Japanese butler, insists/threatens Chuck into taking the day off. Presumably because you can't science on Shabbos. This leaves the team without access to Chuck's car. Even though Tails has his own personal airplane that he uses all the goddamn time, Chris still jumps to the conclusion that the train is the easiest way for them to get into the park. Again, it's an incredibly contrived writing decision to get Amy and Tails in a crowded room, to facilitate the goofy stuffed animal ruse. I guess the writers or show runners or whoever really wanted that joke to be in there.  Once again, I just have to accept that "Sonic X" is a show for kids that it's going to have stupid shit like this in it from time-to-time. 

Ultimately, I guess "Sonic vs. Knuckles" is what you'd call a "filler" episode. No Chaos Emeralds are found, as that whole plot point turns out to be a ruse. Eggman's scheme does not advance in any meaningful way. His robot-of-the-day is a part walking prison/steam-shovel machine named Pumpty – presumably so named because he once got busy in a Burger King bathroom – that transforms a couple of times. None of this stuff is that important and Eggman blasts off again, Team Rocket-style, at the episode's conclusion. There's also an extensive flashback to the first episode, probably to pad the runtime a little bit. But I still enjoyed this one. I like the development of Sonic and Knuckles' dynamic. Amy gets a couple of good moments, when she gets fed up with the children and/or robots here and just decides to start smashing shit with her hammer. The characters on "Sonic X" are consistent but they aren't completely static either. I feel like Knuckles has grown a little after this encounter.

I'm still pretty early into the show, so maybe the impression will change as I watch my way through more of "Sonic X." Maybe the goofy comic relief – this episode also introduces Eggman's manic robot minion Bokkun, who I found pretty insufferable in the comic book – or stalling plot will bug me more as I progress through the series. But, as of this moment, I'm still having fun with the show. This episode is a solid [7/10]. Like I said, sometimes there's you just want to watch a hedgehog and an echidna fight. Ain't no shame in that. 

Sonic the Hedgehog (IDW): Issue 45

Sonic the Hedgehog (IDW): Issue 45

Publication Date: October 13th, 2021

So apparently Evan Stanley is the new head writer for IDW's "Sonic the Hedgehog" comics. I had assumed her and Flynn simply swapped places for a few months, so Ian could focus on non-blue hedgehog related matters for a little while. There might have been an official announcement about this somewhere but I guess I don't pay attention to that shit. I'm still fully expecting Stanley and Flynn to trade writing duties back-and-forth on an arc-to-arc basis. But overall I welcome this development. Stanley may have her weaknesses as a writer but she's promising. And it's nice just to see another style in this book, after two decades of Flynn handling most of the "Sonic" comics himself. 

The focus Stanley has shown on the book's female characters looks like it's going to continue here. "Trial By Fire, Part 1" has Amy, Tangle, Jewel, and Belle preparing for a girls weekend out. They leave Sonic and Tails in the fox's house, which is shaped like his own head for some reason. The quartet pile into Amy's car and head for the campgrounds... Which is annoyingly crowded. Despite that, the girls are able to set up camp and get to roasting marshmallows. That's when Amy busts out her fortune telling cards, which seems to spell doom for Belle. That night, the wooden puppet wanders off into the woods and is startled by a rogue MotoBug. The little lighter in her finger sparks a wildfire, which Amy and Tangle are prepared to fight.

Many times in the past, I've mentioned how the Archie "Sonic" comic would often buffer big event storylines with more relaxed, character-focused issues. IDW has been on-and-off with this tendency, seemingly more satisfied to sneak quieter moments in between all the action set pieces. "Trial by Fire" definitely seems to be changing that. There's no big fight scenes in this issue and, for most of the issue, the stakes are pretty low. This is a comic about some of the heroes just hanging out and, honestly, I welcome that. Whether Eggman or any of the comic's regular villains will be involved in this story remains to be seen but I'm kind of doubting it.

I think Stanley wants to write a low-key, character-driven issue because it plays to her strengths. But she still has to amuse the kids reading this comic book. And if you can't do that with punching, you can do it with pratfalls. There's lots of situational comedy in this issue. Tails packs too much stuff for the girls to take and it's all high-tech machinery they have difficulty setting up. Amy's attempt to read Belle's fortune goes awry and she quickly tosses a presumably grim card into the camp fire. The park ranger has a firebug son and Tangle accidentally whacks Jewel with a tent post. It's less aggressively wacky than it sounds and it's actually pretty cute and charming. 

And speaking of that park ranger! Endlessly here of late, I've been complaining about the book's unwillingness to address the actual consequences of the Metal Virus saga. This issue actually directly tackles that, a little bit. When the girls arrive at the park, the ranger warns them that the plants being made of metal for a couple of weeks has left them dried out. Wild fires are a risk and everyone needs to be super careful with their campsites. I know this is just foreshadowing for the blaze that breaks out at the end of the issue. But it's nice to see the comic acknowledging that, yeah, a global pandemic has all sorts of unexpected effects on the world.

What makes this issue really strong is that the girls really aren't having much fun at all. Just like a real vacation! It seems everyone has problems in their personal lives that are weighing them down. Even the normally happy-go-lucky Tangle is in an unusually introspective moods. That's because her goth GF just broke up with her, sort of. We learn the Whisper has abandoned her home, for fear that the now-free Mimic will find her and endanger her friends. Clearly, Whisper is still dealing with her own issues but Tangle is visibly bummed by this. I hope this schism is resolved soon — I love to see these crazy kids together — but it does provide some good dramatic grist for this issue. Sad Tangle makes me sad too.

Belle is still down in the dumps too, though I'm pretty use to that by now. When Jewel talks about wanting to be useful around Restoration HQ, Belle thinks about how she's still being socially excluded around head quarters. She still seems hung-up on the issue of her "dad" too, as that's the first thing she asks about when Amy sees her card. The constant misery of Belle's story arc is starting to wear me out a little — and I bet being indirectly responsible for a forest fire is going to bum her out more — but I'm still willing to see where Evan is going with this. If nothing else, Belle's rampant social anxiety and self-loathing is relatable. 

Also, Amy doing a tarot card reading on her friends feels like a pay-off to something Sega has been insisting is part of her personality for literal decades. The Sonic CD instructional manual talked about Amy using divination cards to decide her and Sonic were soulmates. This factoid has been referenced a handful of times over the years — like literally two times in the Archie comics — but is rarely mentioned at all. So seeing Amy actually do a reading with what she calls “destiny cards” feels like a long overdue event. Is Amy one of those faux-mystical types that are always asking to read her friends’ auras or rambling about crystals? Also, in a nice bit of world building, Sonic’s world has its own version of the Tarot, which reference the Master Emerald and Chao Fruit and shit like that. That’s a nice touch. IDW should sell actual physical sets of these cards. 

Evan does double-duty on this issue, both writing and drawing it. As you’d expect by now, her artwork is lovely. There’s a couple of really nice little touches. Like Belle’s eyes glowing as she explores the forest at night. Or Tangle visibly blushing after burning her marshmallows. As always, Evan’s work with facial expressions are truly impressive. Tangle’s subtle half-smile when thinking melancholically about Whisper or Amy getting all sparkly when playing with the cards are fantastic touches. Also, when the gang first arrives at the camp grounds, there’s a big overhead shot that includes cameos from Big, the Bird Avatar from “Sonic Forces,” and, uh, Garfield. And probably some of her friends’ OCs, since we know Evan does that shit. It’s a good page for you guys into “Where’s Waldo?” style thrills. 

In other words, It’s a really cute, charming issue. Even if the issue ends on a big dramatic cliffhanger with the entire forest being engulfed in flames, I still found myself thinking “that was pleasant” after finishing it. Once again, this comic excels when Sonic himself takes a backseat. (He spends the entire issue playing video games with Tails and sneezing COVID germs on him, presumably.) It’s good shit. I’d read more comic books like this, IDW! [7/10]

Sonic X, Episode 1.04: Chaos Emerald Chaos

Sonic X, Episode 1.04: Chaos Emerald Chaos

Japanese Title: Get the Chaos Emerald!

Japanese Air Date: April 27th, 2003

U.S. Air Date: September 27th, 2003

As the titles indicate, episode four of "Sonic X" refocuses on the franchise's favorite plot devices. A construction crew in Station Square stumbles upon the green Chaos Emerald, which makes their machinery go berserk. Eggman sees this on the news and quickly moves into action, accompanied by a bird-like robot named Beakon. Sonic, Tails and Amy head after it too. By coincidence, Chris' elementary school is near-by and he attempts to foil Eggman's plan on his own. This puts his life in danger, forcing Sonic and his school teacher — secretly a government spy sent to spy on Chris — racing to save him. 

Episode four clarifies a few things about "Sonic X." First off, it confirms the setting as Station Square, proving that Station Square is on Earth. (Which I guess is quasi-confirmation of the "Two Worlds" premise Sega insists has been canon all along.) This episode also suggests that the driving plot behind the show's first story arc will be gathering the Chaos Emeralds, in hopes that Sonic and the gang can Chaos Control themselves back home with them. If this is giving you some "Dragon Ball" vibes, you're not the only one. Tails even clarifies that the grouped-together emeralds scatter after being used, much like anime's most famous collection of wish-granting dragon genitalia. Considering Sonic also has a yellow and pointy super-form, maybe the Chaos Emeralds have always been intended as ersatz Dragon Balls. 

Outside of likely setting up the premise for the next twenty episodes, "Get the Chaos Emeralds!" is largely devoted to developing Chris. We learn that his dad, Nelson, is a Bill Gates-like tech billionaire. That his movie star mom is named Lindsey Fair. Despite his world famous parents, Chris seemingly goes to a regular elementary school. I guess his parents want him to grow up as normally as possible, when he's outside the massive gated mansion he calls home. Even though the show has tried to push his loneliness as his defining characteristic, which is emphasized by the sad music that plays in any of the mansion scenes, Chris has friends too: A little red-headed girl named Frances and Danny, the only black child in all of Station Square. 

If Chris has friends, why is he so fixated on becoming besties with Sonic? In the last scene, he apologizes to Sonic for getting into danger and the hedgehog's forgiveness almost moves the boy to tears. There's no answer to this question in the show itself but my overanalytical approach to children's cartoons may provide one: When Chris sees the Tornado 2 flying overhead, he races off to try and stop Eggman on his own. He swipes the Chaos Emerald, ends up dangling off the Egg-Mobile, and tries to yank the villain's mustache out before nearly falling to his death. Why would a small child risk life and death for a cartoon animal he just met two days ago? 

It seems Chris wants to prove himself to Sonic. Maybe Chris' privileged upbringing has left him feeling hollow inside and unworthy of his riches. Perhaps he sees Sonic's heroics, and his desperate attempts to become part of them, as a way to validate his prosperous heritage. He's been told his whole life that he's special but, because his parents are never around and seemingly never show him affection, he doesn't feel special. Having a world-saving blue hedgehog best friend finally makes Chris feel truly chosen and he's eager to validate that feeling. (A similar syndrome is why, in my opinion, a lot of rich people join cults.) Or maybe he's just a little boy who thinks Sonic is cool and whose sheltered lifestyle has left him all emotionally fucked-up. I don't know, you choose. 

One thing is for certain: It says a lot about Eggman's competence as a villain that his entire plan is successfully foiled by a literal child. It's weird that he doesn't have any robots accompany him when he grabs the Chaos Emerald. It's also weird that his Egg-Mobile doesn't malfunction when near the emerald. I guess he's already built a counter-acting effect into his devices. For that matter, why isn't the Chaos Emerald being guarded by anyone? The jewel is obviously dangerous. You'd think the police would at least set up some yellow tape or something. Or did all the Station Square cops get their asses so severally kicked last time that they can't function at all? 

Moments like this remind me that this is a cartoon show for little kids. That's not the only reminder. Once again, Eggman selects his robot-of-the-day via slot machine, the animation even being reused. Once again, Sonic completely wastes the machine the minute he gets a Power Ring. It's a little repetitive and the formula is already starting to bore me. There's also an overly childish bit where Beakon — another robot on this show who resembles a Gundam extra more than a traditional Badnik — bounces Sonic on his nose. Why doesn't the robot just kill him? Seems like that would solve a lot of Eggman's problems, right there. 

More interesting is the stuff happening in the episode's margins. The President is informed of Eggman's presence on Earth, his informers calling the rotund villain a "terrorist." Government agents watch the bad guy's island without actually doing anything to stop him. The government is also aware of Chris Thorndyke fraternizing with alien animals and sends an undercover agent to spy on him, disguised as his school teacher, Mr. Stewart. Later, after Eggman begins his sophomore assault on Station Square, we see crowds of people running for the hills. 

In my introduction to this show, I described "Sonic Adventure 2's" plot as obviously influenced by the global mood in the months before and after 9/11. This subplot includes some really silly moments, like Mr. Stewart just leaving his school job in the middle of the day without consequences. Or transforming his car into some sort of cushion to catch the falling Chris. Yet this plot points still speak to the climate of the time, of a world terrified of this nebulous thing called "terrorism" and a government seemingly more concerned with spying on its own people than actually solving the problem. 

Also, the Chaos Emerald is found on Jingle Street, a name that really sounds like a Japanese person trying to create an American sounding location. Now that I think about, you could say the same thing about Station Square. Anyway, "Get the Chaos Emerald!" is less satisfying than the previous episodes, relying more on simple kids show writing, being a little closer in quality to what I expected this show to be like. [6/10]