TEN THINGS WE WANT TO SEE IN THE KNUCKLES SHOW!

As I’m sure you’ve all heard by now, Paramount Studios has announced that, in addition to continuing the “Sonic the Hedgehog” film series, they also plan on doing a “Knuckles the Echidna” show for their Paramount+ streaming service. This, of course, is a hugely exciting announcement for everyone here at Hedgehogs Can’t Swim. Knuckles has probably been my second favorite “Sonic” for many years. Not only will everyone’s favorite grumpy echidna be sexily voiced by Idris Elba, there will now be an entire season of television devoted to his adventures.

If you’re reading this blog, you know what a convoluted spiderweb the “Sonic” multi-media franchise is. That means there are many different sources this streaming series will be able to pull. So it’s time for some baseless nerd speculation. Here’s my top ten things I hope to see in the Paramount+ “Knuckles” show!

10. Rouge the Bat!

From her debut in 2001, Rouge the Bat was designed as a foil for Knuckles. Her obsession with jewels puts her at odds with the Master Emerald protecting echidna. Moreover, her flirtatious manner and tendency to do her own things puts her at odds with the naïve, honor-bound Knuckles. She’s the Catwoman to his Batman and the two have played off each other nicely in the games, comics, and cartoon shows. It only makes sense that Rouge will be a part of a “Knuckles” show, for all of these reasons and more. I can’t wait to see the seductive she-bat strutting her stuff in CGI.

9. More Tom!

When it was first announced that Sonic would have a live action buddy in the first movie, taking screen time away from our beloved Blue Blur and focusing precious minutes on some fucking rando, I was skeptical. Luckily, as soon as the thundering kettle pot of charisma that is James Marsden was cast, I put all concerns aside. Tom Wachowski immediately became a beloved member of the “Sonic” supporting cast. And while we don’t know the exact direction this “Knuckles” show is taking just yet, it would be a blunder of titanic proportions to continue to set stories in the Live Action Sonic Universe and not devote at least a fifty episode arc to everyone’s favorite small town law enforcement officer.

8. Locke!

If you’re a longtime reader of this blog, you know that the Archie “Sonic” comics are, by far, my favorite iteration of the entire franchise. In the comics, Knuckles soon developed a convoluted backstory of his own, rich with supporting characters and an entire network of family members. Obviously, this material would be great for an on-going show to pull from. Once Paramount cuts Ken Penders a check and agree to his assuredly reasonable stipulations, it means the most beloved and important of Knuckles’ supporting characters can appear: Locke, his dad! Oh, I can’t wait to see Knuckles be guided from the shadows by a wise and powerful father figure who respects his boundaries and wants the best for him! Let’s get, like, Patrick Stewart or someone like that to voice him. That shit would be so cash.

7. Chomps!

If you’re a slightly less longtime reader of this blog, you know that Knuckles’ first appearance in a non-video game, non-comic book was the animated series “Sonic Underground.” “Underground” made many changes and additions to known “Sonic” lore, all of which was brilliant and totally fit in with the established characters. Among the most enjoyable of these additions was the totally-not-coke-induced choice to give Knuckles a pet dinosaur named Chomps. Come on, who doesn’t love dinosaurs? Are you going to look me in the eyes and say you genuinely believe that this series wouldn’t be improve by giving Knuckles a dinosaur friend to follow him around? Because if you are, I’m going to spit in your face and call you a goddamn liar. 

6. Knuckles joins Starfleet!

Alright, I know this is getting a little conceptual, but hear me out. Paramount making the “Sonic” films such a prominent part of their IP library makes it clear that they value this series. The other biggest franchise Paramount has is, of course, beloved and influential science fiction series “Star Trek.” Now, in the film universe, Sonic and Knuckles are explicitly from other planets. They have been referred to as aliens. Is it too much of a stretch to have space alien Knuckles the Echidna encounter a Starfleet away team across his adventures among the stars? Is it really outrageous to think that the structure of Starfleet life and the goal of exploring the galaxy would give meaning and foundation to Knuckles’ wandering life? Would it be insane to think about him having a baby with Tasha Yar? Hell, Ken Penders used to write “Star Trek” comics too, so let’s invite him along and really make a truly logical and out-of-this-world crossover! 

5. TIME TRAVEL, BABY!

Of course, I know what you’re thinking: “Integrating Knuckles with the “Star Trek” universe — and having him wear a cool, high-neck uniform — makes all the sense in the world… Except the “Sonic” movie universe is ostensibly set in the modern day, but “Star Trek” takes place in the 23rd century!” Well, there’s an easy solution to this problem! Implement everyone’s favorite “Star Trek” plot device: Time travel! Whose to say that the warp rings that the “Sonic” movie characters use to traverse space don’t also travel through time? I mean, where in the movies does it directly contradict that statement? You don’t know, they might do that! And once we cross the boundaries of time travel, the canvas of adventures Knuckles can have become truly limitless! Maybe him and a hot Gorn female can go back in time and fight in the Roman Colosseum, sail with Columbus across the ocean and colonize the Americas, punch Hitler in the face, and debate ethics with Andrew Jackson. Shit, maybe they go back to dinosaur times and that’s how Chomps gets into the show??? It’s all coming full circle, baby!

4. Knuckles runs for President!

We don’t want the “Knuckles” series to just be bursting with creative ideas, I want it to be socially relevant too. And what better way for this series to address the woes of American society than have Knuckles run for political office! Obviously, after retiring from Starfleet, he returns to Green Hills and finds it local politicians to be hopelessly corrupt. Riding a wave of populist policy and forward-thinking strategies to root out corruption and protect and reward hard-working Americans, Knuckles’ political career takes off like a rocket. He ascends through local offices, into congress, and is soon after the White House itself! Obviously, Knuckles will struggle with having to balance his personal beliefs and the realities of the two-party system in America. It all comes crashing down when everyone realizes Knuckles wasn’t even born on this planet and isn’t an American citizen, making him unable to hold the highest office in the land. But what a ride it’ll be. What a ride.

3. Knuckles goes to high school!

And after a teenage echidna goes on a whirlwind race through the American political system, what do you do for an encore? Why, go back to school, of course! Knuckles is canonically sixteen years old, which would put him right in the middle of American high school. Can you imagine the hijinks that would ensue! Knuckles having to balance his life as guardian of the Master Emerald with doing homework! What if one of the many enemies he’s made were to attack while he had a really big test to do? Maybe he forgets his lunch back on the Floating Island and has to race back to get it before the principal finds out! And all of that is excluding Knuckles dealing with the deadliest danger of all: Dating! It’ll be fun for the whole family! 

2. The Chaotix

I mean, duh. Of course these guys have to show up eventually. I mean, the game was called “KNUCKLES’ Chaotix, after all! It’s just naturally that these goofballs will appear sooner rather than later. 

1. Knuckles gives me, personally, a hug

Finally, this last idea is completely non-negotiable. I demand that, at some point within the “Knuckles” streaming series, he breaks the fourth wall, looks directly into the camera, and says that he’s proud of me. This will proceed a scene where Knuckles lands on my door steps, walks up to me, and gives me a big hug. Not one of those quick over-the-shoulder things. I’m talking a full-on hug here, with both arms, that lasts a minimum of at least two minutes. Idris will whispers in my ear that it’s okay, everything will be alright now. Maybe I cry a little. I don’t think this is unreasonable. People love it when tough guys show their sensitive side, it’ll be huge! I won’t tell you where the bodies are buried until you agree to do this.