KNUCKLES: Introduction

Back in February, cyberpunkian mega-corp ViacomCBS put out a Superbowl commercial for Paramount+, their streaming service that they would very much like you to subscribe to. Please, they spent a lot of money on it. The bizarre ad featured multiple high-profile characters and performers from the suite of Paramount properties interacting with each other. And there, alongside Master Chief, Hey Arnold, some presumably famous football players, Peppa Pig, and Patrick Stewart in his Wacky Old Man persona, was Knuckles the Echidna. This was a surreal experience for me. Not just because the commercial was deliberately weird, contrasting acts of violence against a cartoon character alongside a male tramp stamp and Creed, for some reason. Mostly, I found the presence of Knuckles in a spot designed for the Super Bowl – the last culturally ubiquitous television event we have in America – mind-blowing. You're telling me a "Sonic the Hedgehog" character, not even Sonic himself but one of the other ones, got to hang out with Drew Barrymore and be seen by 123.7 million people? The guy whose big solo game launched on the 32X? Julie-Su's boyfriend? That Knuckles the Echidna?! If you had gone back to the nineties and told ten-year-old me that Red Sonic would occupy a place of cultural prominence that high at any point in the future, I flat-out wouldn't have believed you.

And yet... After being the thing I was obsessed with as a child that no other kid cared about, after years of being nothing but a punchline among hacky internet funnymen, the "Sonic the Hedgehog" franchise has become widely accepted as a pop culture icon. It's something that even your grandparents that fall asleep watching "NCIS" may be at least vaguely aware of. Much to my amazement, after it seemed like they were ready to throw the first movie away, Paramount is actually aware of how versatile a franchise "Sonic" is, how insanely dedicated its fans are. They see potential in "Sonic" to become their next huge franchise. (This surely has nothing to do with the studio not really having any other sure shot hits right now.)

And, in this day and age, that means a streaming spin-off show. It was true for Marvel, for DC, for Lord of the Rings, for Godzilla. (Another lifelong obsession I can't believe is as big as it is now.) Now it's true for "Sonic." About the only thing the current "Sonic" Cinematic Universe and Archie Comics in the nineties have in common is understanding that Knuckles is the most sensible of Sonic's friends to build a spin-off around. Thus, Paramount dropped a shit ton of money on special effects, signed Idris Elba to a million year contract, and blanketed television and pro-wrestling rings with ads. For "Knuckles." Am I reading this right? Is this real life? 

As delightfully surreal as this entire experience has been, my expectations came crashing down to reality the minute the first trailer for "Knuckles" was revealed. Ah, yes, there's that old familiar feeling of being disappointed by "Sonic" media. Hello dorkness, my old friend, etc etc. I guess I was expecting too much, forgetting once again that the "Sonic" MovieVerse is for children and normies, not hardcore weirdos like me. It seemed reasonable to expect that a show about the third or fourth most popular "Sonic" character would draw from the franchise's deeper lore. Obviously, all the stuff from the old comics, and even the new ones I'm assuming, are off-limits. (Surprisingly absolutely no one, Ken Penders is seething.) It's not like I expected fuckin' Bimmy to show up or anything. Yet pulling from the actual games Knuckles has starred in, in order to build up enough story for a six hour show, struck me as a given. What I'm saying is, expecting an appearance from Rouge the Bat or the Chaotix or Angel Island, at least some allusion to them, didn't seem improbable. 

Instead, the trailer made it clear that Paramount+'s "Knuckles" was going to be an extremely broad comedy about Knuckles having a wacky adventure with Wade. Ya know, Wade. You guys remember Wade, right? The absent-minded deputy from Green Hills? The one who distracted from the parts of "Sonic the Hedgehog 2" you actually care about to perform some mediocre pratfalls? Established "Sonic the Hedgehog" cast member Wade Whipple, beloved by all. And the villains are... Some people. Maybe a biker guy with Robotnik tech? And some bantering secret agent types? Look, Kid Cudi is here. 

I guess I'm still stuck in the unfortunate mindset that the "Sonic" movie series is eventually going to become more like the games and cartoons and shit that we actually like. Instead of being it's own weird hybrid of schtick-y PG comedy and CGI action set pieces. It's not like "Sonic" tie-in media not really resembling any other part of the franchise is anything new. It's actually the norm. However, I couldn't help but continue to be frustrated that this universe Paramount is building around characters I care way too much about is determined to be so different from established "Sonic" stories. To the point that it might as well be "Sonic" or "Knuckles" in-name-only. But computer-generated cartoon animals are expensive. I don't know what Adam Pally works for but I'm betting he's just happy to have a starring gig, especially off the back of a small part in a movie everyone kind of expected to bomb. That's how you get a "Knuckles" streaming series that actually stars some fuckin' dude. Instead, we faithful "Sonic" old-timers have to be satisfied with small shout-outs to the more obscure corners of the franchise. It's as if a Viacom exec is saying to me "Listen, you goddamn nerds, we gave Knuckles his hat. Doesn't that make you happy? Isn't that enough? Are you not entertained? Look at all these "Star Trek" shows we have!" 

Listen, I know. I take my blue rats that run fast and red aardvarks that punch things entirely too seriously. I've already had people on Discord yell at me for the unforgivable crime of wanting things to be good. The truth is, I probably would've hated a "Knuckles" streaming show no matter what. Not because I'm a pedantic, unpleasable man-child who spends his free time nitpicking a series targeted at people half my age. Not just because of that anyway... 

Nah, I simply fucking hate how most serialized television, especially those made for streaming, are written and paced. So many programs seemed designed to delay satisfaction for as long as humanly possible, in order to keep your eyes glued to the app of your choice all day long. Show runners want to be novelists or movie directors, so an entire season of television must tell one, long continuous story. But most stories don't actually need to be six or ten hours long. This means programs have to fill time with a deluge of subplots nobody gives a shit about, on the way to something genuinely interesting happening in the final minutes of the last episode. I hate to refer to a Twitter meme but, truthfully, the "Surf Dracula" tweet says it all. 

I haaaate this. I don't know who exactly to blame but I feel compelled to call out J.J. Abrams and Damon Lindeloff. I'm a movie guy, by nature. Tell me a self-contained story in one installment. Don't yank my dick around, Netflix. You're not David Lynch. In the amount of time it takes me to watch a convoluted season of a streaming show that just exists to set up the next convoluted season, I could watch three or four obscure 70s Italian horror movies. I'm old, okay? I could be dead tomorrow. I have to use my time carefully. 

Uh, anyway... What was I talking about? Oh yeah, this "Knuckles" thing. The point of this rambling introduction is that I'm probably going to hate this show. People like to say I'm a contrarian who hates everything. I actually like most of the media I consume and make a concerted effort to always find the best in something. But I'm going into "Knuckles" pretty much expecting to dislike it. 

I'm still going into it though. Because complaining about "Sonic the Hedgehog" adjacent programming is what I've chosen to do with my life. And considering how baffled I was, just a few weeks ago, that a "Knuckles" TV show even exists in the first place, maybe I should be happy with what I get. Maybe all us "Sonic" fans should be satisfied simply with the sheer fact that multi-billion dollar conglomerates have deemed our stupid video game thingy worthy of investment. I'm watching it, writing about it, playing right into the hands of the people who created it. Maybe I deserve to be disappointed. But it won't stop me from bitching about it. I'm a "Sonic" fan, stuck in a world spiraling through the death throes of late stage capitalism. Grousing about it all for an increasingly smaller audience is how I cope. I have a mouth and I must scream. 

Anyway... Hey there, Hedgehogs Can't Swim readers. I'm back. Sorry I died for a while. Please enjoy my reviews of the "Knuckles" streaming show. I apologize for any and all insufferable comments in advance.