Sonic Underground, Episode 1.13: Artifact

Sonic Underground, Episode 1.13: Artifact

Original Air Date: September 15th, 1999

If you thought previously installments of "Sonic Underground" had obvious and lazy titles, here Michael Edens just names the entire episode after a random word said a few times in the script. He could've called it "The Orb" or "Exploding the Past" or something like that. But, nope. Either DiC's schedule had the writers so rushed, or they were so hopelessly bereft of ideas, that the first word they thought of when conceiving the story is what the episode got called. 

"Artifact" is so named because it begins with Sonic, Sonia, and Manic having infiltrated an auction Robotnik is throwing. Robotnik is auctioning off what he claims are artifacts from the legendary city of Mobupinchu. In order to protect these priceless items, the triplets wreck the party and steal the doodads. They soon learn that the relics aren't from Mobupinchu but are, instead, unexplored ordinance from a long ago war. Unaware, Manic sells an orb to a shady dealer who then sells it back to Bartleby. The heroes have to reclaim the dangerous prop before it explodes, all while Sleet and Dingo are on their tails. Along the way, the real Mobupinchu is discovered. 

"Artifact" is another bad episode of "Sonic Underground" that didn't have to be bad. This plot actually has some potential for tension. The literal ticking bomb at the center of the story provides a time limit, a natural way to increase tensions. That our heroes are the only people who know how dangerous the item is could've further increased the suspense. Furthermore, they are being actively pursued by the baddies for most of the episode, as the guy Manic sold the orb to immediately rats them out. The confrontation in Bartleby's mansion is nearly a successful action sequence. 

Yet, as always, the show undermines its own potential. The bomb has a time limit of 12 hours, which is a little too long to generate much suspense. Also, far too many people are too stupid to realize the thing with counting-down numbers on it might be some type of explosive. It doesn't help that Bartleby – by far the most annoying character in a show full of annoying characters – is the person in danger for most of the run time. The plot circling back to the real Mobupinchu at the end doesn't make a lot of sense. Mostly, there's a lot of dumb humor involving Sleet and Dingo, who is forcibly transformed into the orb at the end. 

Like many episodes of "Sonic Underground," this one has a heavy-handed moral message. At first, I thought the show was going to be about the dangers of unexploded land mines. That was a real concern in some parts of the world following the end of the Cold War, even prompting a "Batman" comic on the topic. But the real focus here is on greed and the exploitation of ancient cultures. Or, at least, that's the moral the episodes wants you to think about. The execution is so half-assed. Robotnik forces his party guests at the beginning to bid on the artifacts – oh, those poor rich people! – and the real Mobupinchu is never actually threatened. Robotnik doesn't even know where it is. Bartleby is a greedy snob but collecting art is not the same thing as corporate exploitation of indigenous lands. It's a confused message that clearly nobody thought about for more than a few minutes. 

As the show usually does, the episode attempts to sum up this blurry theme with its song. The musical number is bluntly entitled "You Can't Own Everything," a phrase that also makes up most of its lyrics. Sonic and the band launch into this song when the bomb is about to go off, which seems like a really bad time to be singing. The song is a quasi-heavy metal number and it's not entirely terrible. Screaming guitars is one of the few things this show's musical team did okay. The lyrics suck and the singing is dreadful but the music's not too bad. The destruction of indigenous culture is a topic worthy of a heavy metal song but a more inside-out approach – focused, ya know, on the killing and destruction and all that – probably would've fit the genre better. 

But there are more pressing concerns this episode raises in my mind. Namely: Why did Sonia ever like Bartleby? In previous episodes, she's been shown swooning over this guy. Even though he's always been depicted as a snobbish fop worthy of mockery. Sonia actually does get disgusted at Bartleby in this episode, suggesting she's officially sick of his bullshit. That still doesn't change that she was seriously crushed on him in the past. "Sonic Underground" depicts Mobius' ruling class as so conceited that they don't even notice the waiters at the auction are the planet's most wanted fugitives. Sonic and Manic aren't even wearing hats! Yet Sonia was once part of this crowd too and she still hasn't had much character development since then. I'm sure there will be future episodes where Sonia is fawning over her asshole ex-boyfriend again. An inevitable side effect of having a bunch of random dudes write for the same show.

Another inconsistency across "Underground," and something that specifically keeps this episode from being tense, is the effectiveness of the SWATBots. In no iteration of "Sonic" are Robotnik's mechanical goons much of a threat. Yet the "Underground" SWATBots have gotten increasingly more ineffective as the show has gone on. Here, Sonic explodes two of them with some thrown plates. Later, he runs between two bots, who gently tap each other while reaching for him and then explode. At one point, seemingly just zooming around some SWATBots is enough to make them combust. No wonder Robotnik is running phony auctions to raise funds to build more. These guys have the structural integrity of a used Ford Pinto. 

This episode is about as good as I'd expect from one flatly named after the type of MacGuffin it's built around. Perhaps this might've been half decent if "Sonic Underground" wasn't the show it was. But "Sonic Underground" was "Sonic Underground," a circular but self-evident piece of logic I'm choosing to end this review with. [5/10]