Some Thoughts on the Upcoming "Sonic" Movie

Recently, the internet has been all abuzz about the upcoming live-action “Sonic the Hedgehog” movie. And, as is all too typical of this franchise, the buzz has been largely negative. When a pair of teaser posters were revealed in December of 2018, showing little of this version of Sonic aside from his disturbingly muscular thighs, fans were horrified. Memes were quickly spawned and everyone had a good time dunking on this movie that won’t even be out for another eight months. More recently, clearly lit, full-body shots of Sonic’s movie redesign leaked. These too were greeted with jeers and disgusted scowls from many corners of the internet. The film’s production company quickly clarified that this is not the final design that will appear in the movie, which screams of damage control to me. Regardless of the exact details, we have a pretty good idea of what Sonic will look like in this movie. And most people hate it.

But perhaps I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s go back, way back, back before this iteration of Sonic was even a gleaming in some producer’s eye. See, I think most “Sonic” fans, especially in the modern era, come to the character through the video games. They would probably define themselves as “gamers” or what-have-you. I, on the other hand, have never been that plugged into the gaming world, save for my occasional love affair with a Dreamcast or Genesis. My primary fandom is film and has been most of my life. I’ve seen way too many movies. Most of my writing revolves around it.

So, I’m being one-hundred percent serious when I say I have been dreaming of a “Sonic the Hedgehog” movie most of my life. As a kid, I hoped for an animated feature adapted from Archie’s comic books, of course. In my twenties, I even kicked around the idea of writing my perfect “Sonic” movie. It would’ve fused early game lore with SatAM, naturally. Sonic and Tails’ quest to rescue their purloined “uncle” would bring them into an alliance with Princess Sally and the Freedom Fighters, defending the world against Robotnik’s Eggman Empire.

I envisioned a sinister Robotnik, obsessed with bringing order to a chaotic world. (Brian Cox in full-on Hannibal mode was my dream casting.) The last act would’ve featured Sonic battling his archenemy on the Death Egg. A half-roboticized Bunnie was among the Mobians the Freedom Fighters rescue before Robotnik’s warship takes to the skies. In my brain, the film would’ve had cartoony characters in photorealistic settings. Amy Rose, Bean the Duck, and the Tornado had small roles to play. I wanted a “hard PG” rating, if that makes any sense. An even more imaginary sequel would’ve loosely adapted “Sonic 3,” introducing Knuckles, Angel Island and Metal Sonic. Anyway, I never wrote it.

Little did I know, at the time, that several attempts had already been made to bring “Sonic” to the big screen. Among Ben Hurst’s varied attempts to revive “SatAM” was a proposed movie idea. Most infamously, at some point in the late 2000s, Ken Penders pitched a bonkers-looking movie called “Sonic Armageddon” to Sega. While I love the idea of an Archie-verse movie, Ken Penders writing a big-budget “Sonic” film – especially when the comic was going through one of its worst periods – makes me very nervous. Ken’s artwork suggests a dark movie steeped in Archie lore that Sega and the public likely would’ve rejected. The pitch video he put together inspired little confidence.

Neither of those ideas got very far but, in the mid-nineties, MGM came much closer to making a “Sonic” movie. Sega of America hired horror screenwriter Richard Jeffries, who produced a treatment entitled “Sonic the Hedgehog: Wonders of the World.” You can read all about this project and how it fell apart here but the short version is: The script had a young kid, struggling with bullies and his parents’ divorce, bringing Sonic and Robotnik out of “the game world” and into the “real” world. Sonic would’ve been a CGI character. Keep in mind, this was around 1995. So imagine how shitty that would’ve looked.

The film’s release was planned to coincide with the doomed “Sonic X-Treme,” meaning the entire project probably would’ve only hastened Sonic’s mid-nineties fall from the A-list. In the article, the producer mentions not wanting to make the missteps of the eighties "Masters of the Universe” movie. Yet it sounds like this proposed Sonic film had a nearly identical premise. Both make the fatal mistake of taking the characters fans are invested in out of their own world, dropping them into our boring world, and making some random asshole kid with random asshole kid problems the protagonist. Truly, is "Sonic the Hedgehog" not the story of a lonely boy learning to cope with his parents' divorce?

This new “Sonic” movie, that’s in active post-production and almost definitely will be released in the near future, sounds like it might make a similar mistake. In 2013, rumblings first began that Sony had acquired the rights to make a “Sonic” movie. Shortly afterwards in 2014, “Fist Fight” writing team Evan Susser and Van Robichaux were hired to do the script. (If that doesn’t excite you, it looks like their script has been rewritten by the scribes behind “Transylmania” and “The Cloverfield Paradox!”) In 2016, “Deadpool” director Tim Miller soon came on as a producer with his buddy Jeff Fowler – an animator whose only previous credit was Loony Tunes-esque short “Gopher Broke” – signed on as director. It seems like the movie didn’t move into active production until 2017, when Paramount acquired the rights. Now, filming has wrapped and the November 8th release date is speeding towards us like some sort of fast animal. I don't know, a cheetah or something.

All that time, we knew very little about what form this “Sonic” would take, other than it would be a combination of CGI and live action. As someone who is very used to the “Sonic” franchise disappointing me, I immediately imagined the worst. A film starring a small, CGI, talking animal amid human environments? That sounds like an obnoxious, lazy kids movie along the lines of “Alvin and the Chipmunks” or “The Smurfs.” This fear was not exactly calmed when James Marsden, star of “Hop,” signed on to be Sonic’s human companion. Is Sonic going to tell fart jokes in this movie? Will there be a dance party ending set to a top forty pop hit? Will this be like “Transformers,” where the non-human characters fans actually care about play second fiddle to some boring meatbags? Of course, there’s also the video game movie curse, which Hollywood still struggles to overcome.

As we learn more about the “Sonic” movie's premise, the story is sounding increasingly divorced from the source material. Apparently, in this film, Sonic is on the run from the U.S. government, takes shelter in a small town called Green Hills – an admittedly cute reference – and then teams up with the town’s sheriff to defeat Robotnik. The setting shifts to San Francisco sometime after that, it seems. So, what, is Sonic going to be some sort of top secret experiment? A genetically engineered superfast hedgehog soldier? Or will the movie go the “Sonic X” route and make him a transported alien? If the former is true, is Robotnik now his creator? I know modern Hollywood loves to tie together the origins of the hero and villain. There’s been rumors Robotnik will be a rogue CIA agent in the film, seemingly supporting this theory. At least they’re not calling him Eggman...

Yes, that does sound similar to the “Wonders of the World” treatment. Sonic will be removed from his traditional setting. Save for his archenemy, it seems none of his supporting cast are in the movie. Instead, it’s looking like he’ll be a co-star in his own movie. Which is actually about some random dude named Tom Wachowski for no apparent reason.

That Tom is being played by James Marsden, hardly anybody’s idea of an A-list movie star, further dampens my expectations. Especially since Paul Rudd, a popular actor people actually like, was supposedly in the running earlier. If a leaked piece of concept art is any indication, Sega initially hoped mega-star Chris Pratt would headline the movie. In fact, a supposed list of bandied-about names includes other Marvel superheroes like Chris Evans, Michael B. Jordan, and Jake Johnson. Nowhere on that list – not even under Justin Timberlake, Baby Driver, or the fucking star of “Heroes” – is James Marsden’s name. Suggesting he wasn’t even the fifth or sixth choice. Further suggesting a lot of people passed on the script. Suggesting further still, that it sucks.

Despite all the evidence giving me no reason at all to be optimistic, my obsessive “Sonic” fandom is forcing me to look on the bright side here. Tim Miller’s involvement does inspire some hope. I know “Deadpool” wasn’t everybody’s cup of tea but the character has certain similarities to Sonic. They are united by the ‘tude. At the very least, the movie’s head producer has made entertaining, popular films in the past. Back in June, Jim Carrey was cast as Robotnik. I know that certainly sounds like a potential disaster. Just based on physical appearance, Jim Carrey is famously scrawny, Robotnik is famously fat. But I am morbidly curious to see how it’ll play out. Carrey can be an excellent dramatic actor when he actually tries. There’s no reason to expect him to do this but, if he does play the part seriously, he may be a good choice. Also, Junkie XL is doing the music, so at least the movie will sound good.

If nothing else, the movie has nailed the casting of Sonic. I didn’t know who Ben Schwartz was when it was announced he was playing the part, even though the guy has been in various critically acclaimed films and TV shows. He also has voice-over experience playing nineties-related characters associated with the color blue, being the voices of Dewey and Leonardo in the latest iterations of “DuckTails” and “Ninja Turtles.” The more I see and hear of the guy, including that delightful Larry King video, the more it seems like he’s the perfect pick.

I’ll admit, though, those teaser posters did little to get my already low hopes up. I didn’t hate that first poster the way most “Sonic” nerds did. I even admire the filmmakers for maintaining Sonic’s iconic silhouette. The muscular runners’ thighs were definitely off-putting though. Now, we’ve gotten a clear look at Sonic’s movie design. While the reception has been vomitus, I gotta tell ya, I don’t hate it. To me, it still looks like Sonic. He’s still a blue hedgehog with gangly limbs, big cartoon eyes, a tan belly, a little black nose, a cocksure smirk, and a large head with a buzzsaw hairdo. I even find some of the changes rather clever. Instead of his eyes being joined in a weird mono-lid, a perfectly acceptable look in animation that would be very strange in real life, he now has separate eyes connected by a bridge of white fur on his nose. I even find Sonic’s red-and-white sneakers becoming Nikes a genuinely funny example of product placement.

I don’t like everything about the design. The legs are still weird. The lack of socks, which only draws further attention to the weirdness of the legs, is inexplicable. The decision to nix the gloves in favor of white fur on the hands is too clever. Just give him gloves, goddamn it. Still, the design is hardly the crime against humanity the internet is making it out to be. It’s certainly nowhere near as hideous as the Platinum Dunes Ninja Turtles or Will Smith’s Genie. A lot of fan reinterpretations I’ve seen of Movie Sonic seem to think you could just stick video game Sonic, with some extra detailed fur, into a live action setting. That wouldn’t work either, as prior fan projects have proven. Over all, I think this big budget take on Sonic is a good compromise.

Too bad my opinion doesn’t matter because the damage is done. Many Sonic fans were going to hate the movie anyway. The past has shown that, for some hardcores, any deviation from what they consider their definitive version of Sonic is heretical. (Never mind that there’s never been a definitive version of Sonic...) Will those bitchy fanboys come to embrace the film the way they eventually did the “Sonic Boom” cartoon? Maybe. Probably.

To the wider audience, the movie already seems like a joke, an unnatural aberration of a mostly forgotten pop culture artifact who is largely remembered as a joke anyway. Especially when compared to the “Detective Pikachu” movie, whose character redesigns have been well received. Whose trailers have converted even skeptical viewers into fans. The victor of the console wars was decided long ago. Once again, Nintendo is beloved and successful. Once again, Sega is the loser desperately clinging to its highly antiquated “cool” past, embraced only by weirdos and perverts. And even the weirdo perverts might hate this movie.

Yes, I am slightly bitter that the “Sonic” franchise seems to have bungled its next chance – maybe its last chance? – to win over a large audience again. As much as I want to blame this one on Sega’s inability to learn from their past successes, even Yuji Naka has distanced himself from this movie. Regardless of the finished product’s actual attributes, the quality of which is far from guaranteed, it already seems this movie will be remembered as a joke. This doesn't bode well for its box office chances either.

From the moment the “Sonic” movie was announced, I was filled with equal amounts of excitement and dread. Excitement because my childhood dream of seeing Sonic on the big screen was actually coming true. Dread because I knew – I fucking knew – they were going to screw it up. There's no way the real deal will live up to a lifetime of expectations. So my biggest hope, the best that I can expect, remains borderline competence. If the movie is anything better than a complete fucking dumpster fire, I will be overjoyed. I already know the best case scenario is me exiting the theater, sighing heavily, and grumbling “It could’ve been worst.” It seems many fans can’t even be that optimistic. Many have already made up their minds that the movie will be an Uwe Boll-level disaster.

The final verdict remains to be seen. Regardless of what happens next, you can rest assured that this won’t be Hedgehogs Can’t Swim’s last rambling dissertation on this topic. I imagine I’ll have many more thoughts to share once the trailer hits. Obviously, I’ll write a (probably very long) review when the movie finally comes out. Until then, it'll be business as usual here. Back to comic write-ups next time, including an IDW review during the weekend, I promise.

A Complete History of Sonic the Hedgehog's Race Car Bed

With “Worlds Collide” behind us, many changes will be coming to Hedgehogs Can't Swim's reviews. The reboot of Archie's “Sonic the Hedgehog” comic book universe brought with it many causalities. Some lovable, forgettable, and regrettable characters have now been cast into the void forever. Yet, among the lore and cast left forever by the wayside, there is one that I will especially miss.

I'm talking about, of course, Sonic the Hedgehog's race car bed. So, now that this beloved relic is gone forever, I think it's time to look back on its complete history. Below, I will track every appearance the bed has made in the comic book.

Sonic's race car bed would first appear in issue 51's cover story, “Reality Bytes.” As the story deals with Sonic having a bizarre nightmare, it's fitting it should take us inside his bedroom. His race car bed, which is absolutely befitting someone who has led a guerrilla war against a tyrannical dictator for several years, is practically a main character in this story. It appears at the story's midpoint, when the nightmare begins, and at it's end, when Sonic is officially awoken. The race car is red and its sheets are green. The bed's appearance were enthusiastically received by readers and it would immediately become a fan favorite.

It would be over two years before the bed would appear again, enough time passing that some fans feared it was gone forever. It appears in the second half of the issue's cover story, “Thicker Than Water.” The race car bed shows up in one panel, inside Sonic's hut. It's been recolored gray by mistake. We see Tails sitting on the edge of the bed, playing with a baseball.

Here, the race car bed becomes part of the “typical teenage boy” appearance that makes up Sonic's room. We also see a baseball mitt, a dumbbell, a hockey stick, several tossed around comic books, and a massive stereo system that towers over both characters. Also, it appears that Sonic keeps a poster of himself on his bedroom wall.

Race car bed fanatics would not have to wait as long to see their beloved icon again. It would only take four months before the bed was glimpsed once more. Inside issue 94's “New Order,” we see Sonic reclining on the bed – correctly colored red this time – on the second page. It is here that we see the bed's trademark “number 5” symbol on its sides for the first time. The bed appears again later in the issue, as Sonic and Tails have a sleepover. He's then awoken the next morning, Sonic being shaken out of his famous race car bed.

In this issue, we see the race car bed as a center of Sonic and his friend's life. Earlier, the bed is there in the room as Rotor and Bunnie play a video game, as Tails chats with his friend late into the night. Clearly, this very grown-up and serious race car bed represents not just Sonic and his friends but everything they stand for.

During this period in the comic's history, Sonic and his friends were briefly attending high school. So it's not surprising that, during this time when Sonic's youth was being emphasized, that the bed would continue to appear. It shows up in the very next issue, in the story “Enemy Mine.”

After a frustrating day at school, Sonic marches home and flops down on his bed. In this issue, we can see that his sheets are decorated with yellow polka-dots. Once again, we see the bed as but one symbol of Sonic's adolescence. The basketball hoop, a baseball mitt, comic books, and empty soda cans all reappear alongside the bed, all signifiers of Sonic's status as an adventurer forced into a boyish status.

The race car bed would show up again at the very end of issue 96. In this scene, the bed becomes especially important. While Sonic leans against the bed and reads a “Transformer” comic book, he decides to dress up as a superhero to help the cause. Here, there is a deliberate contrast between Sonic's youth and his need to be an underground hero. Nelson Ribeiro applies his unique artistic skills to the race car bed, depicting it in an almost expressionistic manner.

The race car bed would appears again only three issues later. It shows up briefly on the very first page of issue 99's “Blow by Blow,” glimpsed in the first ray of dawn's light as Sonic and Tails sneak back into his bedroom. It reappears again on page five of the comic. Here, we get a good look at the yellow sheets and the number on the side of the car. This issue also adds another item to the litany of youthful symbols in Sonic's bedroom. A surfboard now joins the other signaling teenage rebellion and playfulness.

Eleven issues would pass before the race car bed made its eighth appearance. It shows up on the very first page of issue 110's “Station Square Attacks!” After Uncle Chuck awakens Sonic and Tails in the middle of the night, we see the bed in two panels. It looks like Sonic has changed his sheets, as they are now blue with white polka dots. Ron Lim brings a particular surreal edge to the bed's depiction, as it shrinks and shifts sizes in the second panel. His bedroom is shown more minimalistically, with only a lamp in the room. Sadly, that's the bed's only appearance in this book.

Ron Lim would draw the bed once again in issue 114's “Twice Told Tails.” After Tails awakens from a strange dream, we get a clear shot of Sonic's bed, as the hedgehog is startled awake by his friend's yelling. The blueish-green sheets remain, the overhead basketball hoop is back, and Lim draws the bed as a shoe-like shape. This is surely a reference to Sonic's famous footwear, which is also white and red. Both of these things, you see, go fast.

Race car bed fans would have to wait until June of 2003 to see their beloved receptacle again, in issue 124's “Sonic Adventure 2.5: Alpha.” As Sonic awakens in the morning, we see him yawn and stretch in the bed. Steven Butler draws the bed looking more like a F-1 race car, as opposed to the usual stockcar racer it's depicted as. Now, the car's markings and numbers are depicted in yellow, as opposed to white. Sonic has once again changed his sheets, as we now see lime green sheets with yellow spots. Butler also depicts the other juvenilia of Sonic's boyhood, such as the basketball, hoop, surfboard, and posters.

Ten issues later, following Sonic's return from outer space, we would see the race car bed again. Sonic lays on the bed and takes a nap. We continue to see the bed, as Sonic has a conversation with his dog Muttski, whom he can now communicate with thanks to the alien translator he gained in space. Jon Gray depicts the bed as a more simplistic red shape, almost unrecognizable as a race car. Sonic's sheets are now green with a plaid pattern. His bedroom looks more mature at first, as Gray draws attention to Sonic's lamp and clock radio. A second look at an earlier panel reveals a “Nights into Dreams” comic book, a stuffed animal, and several toys, showing that Sonic is still a child.

This last good look could have been a send-off for the beloved accessory. In issue 136, two issues later, we would see Sonic's bedroom again. This time, the race car bed is gone. Now, Sonic seems to be sleeping in a regular, four-post bed. Has Sonic cast off the childish excesses of youth by now? Later in the comic, we can see a series of sports trophies hidden on a shelf in the background, showing that Sonic has not totally let go of his childhood achievements.

Race car bed fans should not have despaired though. After a long absence, the bed would reappear in issue 167's back-up story, “Hedgehog Day.” The bed is practically a featured player in this story, as it's seen every time Sonic awakens within the story's time loop. Dave Manak strays from the bed's usual depiction, making it white and red in seemingly a deliberate homage to “Speed Racer's” Mach 5. Manak also brings back the clutter of Sonic's skittish young energy. We see a baseball bat, a surf board, a soccer ball, basketball hoop, and a fanciful alarm clock. This story also provides a peek at Sonic's adjoining bathroom, further humanizing the hero.

After the destruction of Knothole and the Freedom Fighters moving into the nanite created New Mobotropolis, fans speculated that the race car bed was also destroyed. However, Ian Flynn took pains to show that Sonic had Nicole recreate his beloved race car bed in his new home. We see the bed in issue 178's “House of Cards: Part One,” when Nicole awakens Sonic in the middle of the night. At this point, the bed has clearly evolved. This new race car bed now resembles a modern sports car, even including a back fin and a more rounded front with wide headlights. Sonic has seemingly cleaned up his room as his hero-hood has grown. Now, we only see a pull cord lamp and a vintage-style alarm clock in his room. He sleeps now with a simple green blanket atop the bed, presumably meant as a homage to the bed's very first appearance years earlier.

While race car bed fans were excited by its reappearance, this would turn out to be the bed's penultimate issue. The race car bed would make its final appearance in issue 185's “Mogul Rising, Part One: Needful Things.” However, the bed's appearance here is a significant one. Bedrooms play a key role throughout the story, as we see Tails', Mina's, and Mighty's beds. Earlier in the story, Sonic revisits the former site of Knothole. This makes the race car bed's reappearance a poignant one, as Sonic is nostalgic for the secret base were he spent most of his adolescence.

Matt Herms draws the bed in this appearance and it varies greatly from its previous showing. Herms removes the fin, restores the stockcar outline, and adds a yellow hood and a yellow racing stripe at the car's back. Sonic is not using a fitted sheet this time but simply sleeping under a blue blanket. Herms' approach to Sonic's bedroom is less detailed. We see a poster on the wall but it appears to be blank.

Ian Flynn would never depict Sonic's bedroom, much less his bed, after this issue. After the reboot in issue 252, the details of Sonic's home life would completely change, presumably removing the race car bed from canon. Fans were furious about this difference, of course, and demanded the race car bed be returned to its proper location: Sonic's bedroom and our hearts.

Since the cancellation of Archie's comic, these same fans have petitioned IDW to show us Sonic's bedroom and show him sleeping in a child's race car bed, as God and Yuji Naka intended. These pleas have thus far fallen on deaf ears but, if being a fan of Sonic's race car bed for so many years has taught me anything, it's to never give up. So rest your head in your own race car bed tonight and remember, even if it's gone, each of us can never be stopped from going fast even in our dreams.

Archie's “Sonic the Hedgehog” Comics: 1992-2016?

If you're reading this blog, you've certainly heard the news already. Archie has not published a “Sonic the Hedgehog” comic book for six months, since the end of last year. After months of resoliciting titles to comic shops, the company has started quietly canceling pre-orders on the book. There's been no official word on why this is happening. Indeed, officially the Sonic comics – which includes the flagship “Sonic” title, “Sonic Universe,” the “Sonic Megadrive: Overload” one-shot – have only been mysterious delayed. But, for many fans, the writing has been on the wall for quite some time. The comic book, the current subject of the blog you are reading right now, is almost certainly canceled.

Initially, I was reluctant to jump to this grim conclusion. The hullabaloo started this past January, when fans noticed that Archie removed subscriptions for all “Sonic the Hedgehog” books from their online store and had a sale on all the back issues. This struck me as odd but not exactly concerning. The books were still being offered to comic shops. Next, upcoming issues started to be delayed. Fans were freaking out but I remained calm. After all, this was hardly the first time Archie delayed books. There was a lengthy delay in 2015, thanks to the company moving to a new printing facility. But then the delays kept coming, the books being held back for months and months. By that point, it was apparent that something was going on with Archie's “Sonic” series.

Fans really started to freak out when someone called Archie's office, asked about the subscriptions becoming unavailable, and was told the book was probably canceled. Sonic fans being the exceptionally passionate people they are, Archie's call centers were floated with questions about “Sonic's” fate. The initially grim statement about the book's future was immediately rolled back. Archie said that news about “Sonic” would be coming soon, that they were discussing stuff with Sega. As weeks turned into months, this statement remained unchanged and the comics still weren't coming out. Most recently, the writers and artists working on the book – who were just as surprised by this news as the fans were – have started looking for other work, seemingly confirming our worst fears about the comic's future.

By now, it's abundantly evident that no official answer about the book's fate is forthcoming. Some have speculated that Archie is intentionally withholding an answer so they won't have to refund subscriptions to the book. This is likely the same reason their “Megaman” book went on an “extended hiatus,” instead of being outright canceled. This is also, it's become increasingly clear, the kind of greasy tactics Archie is far too fond of employing.

If Archie isn't even willing to tell us whether or not the book is actually canceled, it's clear that we won't be getting an explanation for why this happened in the first place any time soon. This has, naturally, led to lots of baseless speculation from fans. At first, fans were eager to blame Ken Penders and Scott Fulop, the former writers who successfully sued Archie for ownership of the characters they created for the book. Archie faithfuls already hate Penders for necessitating the total continuity reboot that happened in 2013. It seemed reasonable to some, with Archie's mishandling leading to two separate lawsuits, that Sega would resend Archie's license to their characters.

This struck me as unlikely. If Sega was going to cut ties with Archie over this stuff, it probably would've happened in 2013, when Penders sued. Other theories have abounded. We know Archie has had money problems in the past. Some have wondered if launching the TV show “Riverdale” meant the company had to cut coast, leading to “Sonic's” cancellation. Maybe but I suspect that Archie is also making a decent amount of money from “Riverdale,” since they are licensing their characters to the CW and Berlanti Productions. (And the TV show has been successful, at least as far as CW shows go.) The theory that made the most sense to me was that, maybe, Sega wanted to take more control of their flagship property. Following a series of highly visible failures, and with two high profile video games and a possible movie coming soon, perhaps Sega wanted to make sure all their Sonic eggs where in one basket.

Most recently, a new theory has arisen suggesting this clusterfuck is entirely on Archie. A wholly unsubstantiated rumor has some corporate higher-up at Archie claiming the company, in the aftermath of “Riverdale” getting renewed for a second season, wants to focus on their own characters. That “Sonic” isn't really their thing. This is probably bullshit, since it strikes me as a little too neat, and now some Archie-verse comics are also getting delayed.

Truthfully, I imagine a mixture of all of the above is probably responsible for the book ending. Sega wants to tightly control “Sonic's” public image going forward, the lawsuits have made them weary of Archie, Archie is currently putting a lot of time and money into their own characters, and the company's fiances have always been mishandled. It's the perfect storm of bullshit to get a comic book that has run for twenty-four years suddenly canceled.

So that's the facts and the likely bullshit. How do I feel about this news? When cancellation rumors first started circulating, I was shocked. My initial unwillilngness to accept the comic's termination may very well have been an act of deliberate denial. As I've said in the past, I've been reading this comic book since I was six year old. The adventures of Sonic and the Freedom Fighters have accompanied me for nearly my entire life. These characters and their world mean way too much to me. “Sonic” was my fandom ground zero, the first fictional universe I was ever passionate about. That passion wasn't born through the video games but SatAM. And the comic book has kept the spirit of SatAM alive for much longer than the cartoon show ever ran, birthing its own weird, incredibly elaborate mythology. Archie's “Sonic” comic is one of my favorite nerdy past times. I mean, it must be if I've written so many damn words about it.

So, yes, I was bummed out by the idea of the comic book ending. It made me feel weird, almost as if a relative or exceedingly long lived pet had died. However, in many ways, the comic book I loved ended in 2013. And just as abruptly too. The reboot universe, given the unwieldy name of “The Post-Super Genesis Wave” continuity by fan historians, garnered a passionate fan following over its three year existence. There's no doubt that the rebooted continuity was far more consistent than what came before. Yet I found its attempt to latch the comic to the video game's frequently vague lore unsatisfying. Devoting most of the last three years to adapting “Sonic Unleashed,” a game I didn't like very much, was a bad decision. In truth, the rebooted comic was just beginning to win me over, thanks to characters like Jian the Tiger, Relic the Pika, or Shellcrusher's band of merry pirates. So the comic ending now only saddens me so much. Most of the stuff I loved about this book was abandoned quite a while ago.

(Another reason why my sadness over the book ending was measured has to do with how Archie has handled things. We fans have been waiting so long for some sort of official announcement concerning the cancellation that I've had plenty of time to get use to the idea.) 

Even with that being the case, it sucks that “Sonic the Hedgehog” should end this way. If the book had ended because the creative staff decided the series had run its course, that would be understandable. If the book had been canceled because it wasn't selling well, that would be another thing. Instead, the plug was pulled suddenly and without explanation. That's an inglamorous way for the longest running licensed comic book, not to mention the longest running comic to never be relaunched or renumbered, to end. The main series was just shy of three-hundred issues too, while “Sonic Universe” was about to cross one hundred. Granted, the reboot universe did conclude with a  bit more closure than the pre-boot universe. The “Sonic Unleashed” arc was finally wrapped up. The original continuity ended on a fucking cliffhanger.

Some fans have tempered their sadness over Archie's “Sonic” comic ending by hoping another publisher will pick up the license. And it's certainly possible. Assuming this entire ordeal hasn't soured Sega entirely on the American comic market, starting a new “Sonic” comic makes financial sense. The character has a faithful following in that medium. One that has kept the series running for over two decades, in a world where most licensed comics only run a few years. Publishers like IDW, Boom! Studios, and Dynamite Entertainment primarily specialize in licensed properties, so there are avenues to explore.

It's been noted that the entire “Sonic” creative staff, from writer Ian Flynn on down to every artist, is freelance. (Archie pays very few writers and artists a salary because they're cheapskates.) There's nothing stopping them from jumping publishers with “Sonic.” Sega, in fact, has final ownership of every character and concept to appear in the book, at least post-reboot. It's theoretically possible that IDW or Boom! could pick up the comic book right where it left off.

Possible but unlikely. We're talking a long line of successively more far-fetched Maybes here. Maybe another publisher will grab the license. Maybe Flynn and others will follow them. Maybe they'll continue the old book's universe. But let's consider the facts. Archie obviously signed some deal with DiC when the comic started, allowing them use of SatAM and “Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog” concepts. This agreement has apparently lasted in perpetuity. Sega, meanwhile, has discouraged the comic company from utilizing elements from other “Sonic” shows, like “Sonic X,” the OVA, and “Sonic Underground.” Presumably because there are complicated agreements and deals in place. Sega ultimately owns the Freedom Fighters and other Archie stuff but utilizing it for a new company would probably required cutting through a lot of legal red tape.

Would Sega  be willing to do this to promote a comic book that isn't being published anymore? And a cartoon show that's been off the air for twenty years? From where I'm standing, a new “Sonic” comic being published some day strikes me as likely. Ian Flynn writing it even strikes me as plausible, considering his obvious passion for the characters and their universe. But a new series continuing the Archie continuity, or even featuring SatAM elements, seems unlikely to me. And I don't know if I care enough to read a Sonic comic book that doesn't feature Sally and the gang. I mean, I probably would, strictly so I could write about it for this blog. But my heart wouldn't be in it.

Speaking of which, how does the comic book's widely presumed cancellation affect Hedgehogs Can't Swim? Simply put: It doesn't. Other than giving me a clear end point for my comic book reviews. I don't plan on abandoning this blog any time soon. Even after I wrap up my coverage of Archie's “Sonic” series, there's plenty of other hedgehog-related media to keep me occupied for years to come. I hope to keep Hedgehogs Can't Swim going for a while, assuming I don't impregnate some poor woman or get eaten by alligators or something.

And so I bring this rambling eulogy for Archie's “Sonic” comic to an end. The book means a lot to me. There's still a lot of it left for me to re-explore. I have a lot of cherished memory connected with this silly, four-colored world. The series ending suddenly, even with a boatload of reservations, makes me a sad. So let's pour one out for Sonic's longest lasting adventure, one that may be gone but will certainly not be forgotten any time soon.

BACK ISSUES: A Hedgehogs Can't Swim Creepypasta

I’m telling you guys this because I know you’ll believe me. As I type these frenzied words, I can hardly believe it myself. Something impossible. Impossibly horrible. This awful revelation has its roots in something I hold dare, the subject of this very blog. I know some won’t believe me but I swear everything that follows is the awful, awful truth.

It started when the news of a comic shop opening in town reached me. Being somebody interested in comics, I immediately tracked the place down. Though it was in an odd part of town I rarely visited, I drove down there anyway. The building was right next to an old pharmacy. The place seemed like a typical comic shop, with rows of new books, trade paperbacks, and various toys and collectables lying about. The store also had a large selection of back issues. As soon as I saw that, I walked to the “S” section and started to look for any rare “Sonic the Hedgehog” comics I might not have.

Flipping through the books, it was a typical collection. Lots of issues from the last ten years, a handful that were slightly older then that. Tucked way back at the end of the wrack was something I couldn’t believe. An issue of Sonic #0, from the original mini-series! The very first “Sonic” comic Archie ever published! With a totally reasonable asking price, I scooped the book up and ran to the clerk. He gave me an odd look, smiling strangely, as I handed a few crumpled up bills. “I hope you enjoy that,” he said, nodding slowly. The man looked somewhat familiar yet I couldn’t place his face. At the time, I didn’t think anything of it.

After returning home, I put the bag down on my desk and went about my day. It wasn’t until the next day, after work, that I was able to really look at the book. Glancing at the cover, I immediately realized something was different. Sonic’s eyes were strangely blank, the pupils missing among the white sclera. As far as I knew, no misprints of this issue ever existed. Which meant I had an especially rare version, perhaps a one of a kind copy. I ran my thumb over the cover, making sure that this wasn’t the work of a pranksters or hoax artist. There was no addition paint or white out. This was a genuine copy.

Thumbing through the issue, I noticed other odd art mistakes. Sonic’s missing pupils weren’t confined to the cover. Every time he appeared in the book, his eyes were wrong. Just white starring voids, without the black dot to denote expression or feeling. This wasn’t the only oddness. Passing the page where he first met Caterkiller, I didn’t notice it at first. It was only after backtracking did I see the error. The robot’s teeth had been miscolored red by mistake, almost as if blood was dripping from his fangs. The speech bubble was screwed up too. Instead of saying his name, he introduced himself to Sonic as “Your Killer.” This was a seriously messed up book. No way it was real, I thought to myself. I was obviously holding a fake copy in my hand, albeit a well made fake. Somebody’s idea of a dumb joke.

I kept reading, too curious to put it down. I was going to see this prank through to the end. Scanning ahead a few pages, I hit the part where Sonic reaches Freedom HQ. The first introduction of Sally and the other Freedom Fighters. Yet there was something wrong on these pages too. The dialogue and expressions were normal. But Sally… Her eyes were entirely red. Like blood. Just huge bloody voids where her eyes would normally be. Almost as if someone had plucked them out of her head. That sight made a chill run up my spine.

It’s just a stupid prank, I thought. A prank somebody had put a lot of time into, digitally manipulating the images, printing them out, bounding the pages. Even keeping the old ads intact and then selling the comic back to a shop. The more I thought about it, the less likely a hoax option seemed. As I continued through that first story, with its goofy ending about crying trees, I notice something else strange. None of the characters were smiling, laughing, or joking around. Each of them looked miserable, as if they were in constant agony.

As the story ended, I expected to see that dumb illustration of Sonic and Sally bemoaning a cut down tree. After all, that’s the next image that appeared in the book. Instead, the story from issue 3 began, of Sonic disguising himself as a robot to sneak into Robotnik’s compound. The thought occurred to me again that this was a rare misprint in my hands. That maybe all the weird faces were simply a bizarre coloring error. Except that didn’t make any sense. Why would a future issue get mixed up with the first one? A closer look revealed something more disturbing. Once again, the word bubbles had been tampered with. Rotor screamed “KILL!” on the second page. The word was hidden all throughout the story, normal vowels switched out with the cry to murder. I didn’t want to read this. I didn’t want to feel these things, to see these awful words shoved into the mouths of my favorite characters.

That second story ended prematurely. It’s as if the book was reading my thoughts, as if something was compelling the pages to change in my hand as I passed my fingers over them. But not for the better. For the second half of issue three had been replaced with yet another story.  The back half of issue 47, the start of “Endgame.” The death of Princess Sally. But what was already a sad story had been made more disturbing. Now, every characters’ eyes ran red with blood. Their tears were even blood, spots of red dotting their faces. Bunnie, Antoine, and Rotor seemed tormented by something even bigger then the death of their friend. Their agony became my own, a terrible feeling rising inside of me as I read through the comic.

Enough was enough. I didn’t know where it came from but I sure as hell didn’t want it in my house anymore. I slammed the comic shut, ran across the room, and threw it in the trashcan. Tomorrow, I was going back to the comic shop. I was going to give the clerk an earful, ask him why the hell he was selling photoshopped comics. I was freaked out by it but I couldn’t imagine what a kid would think, an innocent picking that up, expecting a friendly kid’s comic but seeing this weirdness instead.

I went straight to bed. The whole ordeal had exhausted me. I was tired enough that I went right out. Yet my sleep was haunted by the most horrible images. Terrible spectres emerging from my bedroom wall, starring down at me with clasping bone jaws. A runny, crimson liquid ran from their sockets. Like the blood in the comic. As the dream went on, the faces changed, morphing into the cartoon likenesses of Sonic and his friends. Their faces twisted in pain, in torment. They could not beg for an end to their infinite suffering. Instead, they could only scream out one word, prolonged by the pain. “KILL,” I heard them scream. “KILL!” Sonic and Bunnie and Rotor said again. Kill them, I realized. End the agony that they couldn’t escape from themselves.

When I awoke, my skin was damp with sweat. I tried to rationalize. That the dumb prank had just spooked me. That the dream came from my own mixed up brain and not from some outside force, not from some evil dwelling in that dreadful book. I knew what I had to do. I retrieved the comic from the trash, Sonic’s smirk on the cover seeming to mock me. To relish in the pain it had caused me. I jumped in my car and drove back to the comic shop. At the very least, the shop owner would give me my money back.

And that was when the weirdest thing of all happened. As I drove downtown, I looked all around the road where the shop had been yesterday. I passed the pharmacy over and over again, baffled by the empty lot next to it. Finally, I parked my car and decided to investigate on foot. There was no way the comic shop could’ve been knocked down overnight. There was no debris, no sign that a building had been there yesterday. It was gone, as if it had never been there in the first place. Holding the cursed comic book in my hand, that was when the memory of the day before came rushing back to me. The reason why the man behind the counter had looked so familiar. It was a face I knew, someone I had seen before. For the man that sold me the horrible comic was… was…

Sonic (2013) - Fan-Made Short Film

As someone who is both a film nerd, an amateur screenwriter, and obsessed with “Sonic the Hedgehog,” the idea of taking a whack at a feature version of the long-running series has occurred to me. Like the “Darkstalkers” screenplay I actually wrote once, the fact that it would be nothing but glorified fan-fiction didn’t really stop ideas from spin-dashing around in my head. Further more, the idea for a “Sonic” feature film I had was strictly my dream “Sonic” film, done totally in traditional animation, featuring the SatAM supporting characters, a dark and intimidating Robotnik, a Snivley with a toupee, and a narrowed focus on a theme of free choice vs. conformity, chaos vs. order, and a bunch of other high-faluting stuff that arguably doesn’t belong in a movie about a blue hedgehog that runs really, really fast. (For the curious, the end would feature a brief cameo from Bunny while I had planned on saving Metal Sonic, the Death Egg, Knuckles, and the Floating Island for possible sequels. And Brian Cox was my dream-cast pick to voice Robotnik.) Alas, I’ve never really put any serious work into this and decided that focusing my limited time and creative energies on original material was probably for the best. Also because actually sitting down and writing a “Sonic” screenplay was maybe stooping to a level of nerdery even I was uncomfortable with.

Obviously, that didn’t stop the people at Blue Core Studios, who previously displayed their massive, intricate nerd kung-fu by making elaborate fan films based on “Street Fighter” and, perhaps most impressively, a feature-length “Mega Man” movie. Either my “Sonic”-nerd card is dwindling or I just don’t spend a lot of time in the “fan films based off of video games” parts of the internet, as I had never heard of their “Sonic” fan film, titled just “Sonic” dropping “The Hedgehog” for some reason, until tonight. I immediately sat down to watch it.

The short review?: Nice try. I’ve got no problem heaping vitroal on big-budget studio movies but, when it comes to fan films like this, made for a few scrapped-together thousand dollars, created and operated by passionate fans, I feel the need to both limit my expectations and be nice.

What I like the most about “Sonic” is how it combines the countless continuities into a mostly cohesive whole. Set on Mobius, primarily located in a very New York looking Station Square, we are neatly given the information that on near-by South Island there’s a race of humanoid animals… At least, there was until very recently, when mad scientist and would-be world conqueror Dr. Robotnik (formally Julian Kintobor) massacred the populace as the first step in his bid for world domination. World building comprises the first seven minutes of this 18-minute short while the latter half focuses on a team of G.U.N. soldiers dropping into the island, being attacked by the doctor’s robots, before being rescued by Sonic, who very quickly establishes himself as the ever-present thorn in the villain’s side. From a writing perspective, I can’t really besmirch the script too much. I could honestly see this working fairly well as the set-up for a big budget studio Sonic film. From a fanboy perspective, I don’t have too many complaints with it. At first I was worried, with the fleets of Egg Carriers, Gamma series shock-troops, and setting of Station Square, this would primarily be an adaptation of the “Adventure” series. But there are plenty of references to the original game continuity as well as the important cartoon series, the most obvious of which is getting Jaleel White back as the voice of the titular hero.

The majority of the aesthetic complaints I have with the film are results of its tiny budget. The CGI is home-made and about the level of a Syfy Channel Original. While the big stuff, like flying warships and robots and cartoon hedgehogs, are forgivable, the explosion and gun muzzle effects right out of AfterEffects are less so and noticeably distracting.

The guy playing Robotnik, DJ Hazard, seems to have had some formal training and actually does a decent job. (Though billowing rage at the end is slightly unconvincing.) Honestly, he makes me think that Robotnik would come off as an evil(ier) Jesse Ventura in real life. I wasn’t immediately convinced by White’s return to the character. He noticeably, obviously, sounds older. At first, the decision to keep Sonic’s dialogue as early-‘90s cowabunga kitsch is jarring but White actually manages to make it work somehow. Sonic is so cool that he doesn’t care if he sounds like a 1991 ad exec’s idea of what the kids are in to. Which is one hundred percent correct, truthfully. That could just be the hopeless nostalgic in me. White’s appearance is the project’s sole grasp at legitimacy. Urkel has maybe five minutes of dialogue in the whole thing, and considering the Sonic fandom is pretty much the only place Jaleel is still relevant, we should probably be less impressed by his participation.

The rest of the cast is a bigger problem. The G.U.N. team, besides flopping around in unconvincing costumes, have to get their mouths around some pretty awkward dialogue. The fact that they can’t make it work us probably equally the fault of the screenwriter as it is the performers. The supporting cast being peppered with internet nerd personalities like the Angry Video Game Nerd, the Nostalgia Critic, and one of the ScrewAttack guys seems like a some-what desperate appeal to the internet nerd audience. The popularity of James Rolfe and Doug Walker’s online creations obviously doesn’t have much to do with their acting ability.

Supposedly, the primary goal behind this fan-film was proving that Sonic could work in a live-action setting. While the movie impresses in some ways, I can’t help but feel that it proves why Sonic wouldn’t work in live action. It’s not just the lack of money that makes Sonic’s appearance among live actors jarring. They might be slightly goofy looking but E-series units, the Buzz Bombers, and Motobugs are still buyable as robotic creations moving among the living. But a four-foot tall blue hedgehog that runs faster then the speed of sound and destroys enemies by rolling into a ball and smashing into them? Suspension of belief strains, even in a blatant science fiction setting. I mean, an anthromorphized hedgehog? Maybe. One that wears white gloves and red tennis shoes? Nope. The POV shots of rushing trees are far more appropriate. To a lesser degree, Robotnik’s red and yellow outfit looks silly in real life too.

The movie also gives us a look into the sensibilities that a big budget live action “Sonic” movie would have to grapple with. CGI Sonic is reduced to supporting character against the human characters, not unlike a certain adaptation of an eighties giant robot cartoon that will go unnamed. The South Islander animals are clearly treated as a racial minority by the humans, recalling “X-Men” and numerous other franchises. Robotnik’s genocide seems partially motivated by this. The script stops just short of repurposing “I Hate That Hedgehog” as a racial slur. (Though that would have been awesome.) It’s clear the Blue Core Studios guys’ hearts are in the right place but it’s still obvious to me that, in the unlikely case that a theatrical “Sonic” feature is made, it should be a cartoon.

It’s cool. Sure, it’s cool. I’m too big of a nerd not to think it’s at least kind of cool. I would obviously watch the sequel the ending sets up. It could have been a lot worse. I have to admire the conviction and work that went into this. But I doubt any studio exec got a look at this and immediately scooped up the rights from SEGA and got these guys on the phone. Like all Sonic-fan products, only Sonic nerds will enjoy and everyone else will shake their heads and roll their eyes. [6/10]

In the beginning... There was Sonic

“Does the Internet really need another “Sonic the Hedgehog” website?” I ask myself now. Over the course of nearly twenty years, over fifty games, and myriad of multi-media merchandise, crossovers, and spin-offs, the “Sonic the Hedgehog” franchise has inspired a lot of inane internet babble. So, is more necessary? You could fill several very large, spelling error riddled tomes with all the message board chatter concerning the little blue hedgehog. Is the internet really big enough for two twenty something man-children obsessed with Sonic? Isn’t it enough that I all ready have one blog I ignore?

Yes. Yes, it is. While many have gone where I am about to go before, few have done it well. That’s the mission statement here at “Hedgehogs Can’t Swim.” To be nerdy about Sonic in a way that’s at least halfway coherent, occasionally intelligent, and maybe clever or insightful every once in a while. Inspired by William Tsutsui’s “Godzilla on My Mind” and Rob Kelly’s “Aquaman Shrine,” both literate, thoughtful, sincere fan boy homages to two other, perhaps equally maligned pop culture icons, I set out to blaze my own path in the world of nerd brain housekeeping.

But let’s go back to the beginning, shall we?

I am a “Sonic the Hedgehog” nerd. Obviously. I’ve been since I was three years old and, like a cartoon hedgehog racing towards a goal post, I’ve never stopped. Despite what you may have heard, it was never cool and it was certainly never "way past cool." I was there before the internet subcultures adopted the franchise to their own seedy uses. I was there before the games became awful, before the fan base became unpleasable, before video gaming itself became a massive pillar of pop culture. Before all of that, I was a “Sonic the Hedgehog” nerd.

Honestly, my fandom for the furry blue one goes back so far, I don’t even remember how it started. At the risk of sounding melodramatic, I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t a Sonic fan. My first vivid memory of him involves catching the 1993 ABC Saturday Morning Preview the Friday night it premiered.

I remember the kids from “Step By Step” sitting down to watch an episode of SatAM and being glued to my seat. It’s tempting to say my mania for everything Sonic started with SatAM. It certainly intensified my growing fandom, but it wasn’t the beginning. Why would I be so excited for a “Sonic” cartoon unless I was all ready a fan? When I asked my mother about this, about why, when, and how I first became a fan, she simply said, “You just always liked that fast, little blue, cool guy.” That may be true, but it’s not exactly insightful.

It wasn’t the games that hooked me first. I grew up in a part of the country that has been in an economic freefall for the last fifty years. As a child, my mother worked very hard to make sure my sister and I never went without anything we needed. But money was tight, at least in the beginning, and we often went without things we wanted. Video gaming consoles were, and still are, an expensive hobby that we simply couldn’t afford. I didn’t get a Sega Genesis and my first Sonic game until 1996, when that generation of console gaming was well on its way out. Yes, I played the games and experienced the Blast Processing first hand at friend’s houses, but, to tell the truth, I wasn’t, nor have I ever been, particularly good at video games. I fail pretty hard in that department.

So the How and When of my fandom’s genesis (Har.) remains a mystery, lost in the hazy mist of childhood days long since past. But what about the why? Why Sonic? Why not Mario, an even bigger video game icon whose current games are certainly better and arguably always have been? We had a Nintendo Entertainment System and a copy of “Super Mario Bros. 3” long before I ever got my sweaty little hands on a Genesis controller. Why not Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Power Ranges, Spider-Man, comic books, anime, Universal Monster movies, action figures, Ghostbusters, Highlander, Transformers, Star Trek, or any number of other things I enjoy as a child? Why does Sonic get the blog and everything else I’ve loved get left to other people to chronicle and obsess over?

Was it the contempt for authority and ecological subtext that appealed to me? The bright colors, fast graphics, and intentionally simple character designs? Did I enjoy being a part of a quickly growing, now sprawling, fictional universe? Was it just me getting swept up in the kid friendly zeitgeist of the moment? Probably all of those things. But why am I still a fan? Why do I still play the games, read the comics, and spend way more time then any adult male should ever spend thinking about these things? Am I just being nostalgic for simpler childhood days? Does my lack of legitimate life experiences force me to go over again and again the pop culture debris I’ve consumed over the course of twenty-two years? Am I just a really massive Aspie nerd who relates to a cartoon animal way more then he does to other people?

Yes, yes, and probably, a little bit, yes. However I got here, I’m here to stay, at least for a while.

My name is Zack, this is “Hedgehogs Can’t Swim,” and I’m here to talk about goddamn Sonic the Hedgehog.