Sonic X: Issue 40

Sonic X: Issue 40
Publication Date: December 2008

When I began my trek through Archie's “Sonic X” comic, it was with the reservation that I had never watched much of the cartoon and was deeply unmoved by what I had seen. From the beginning, there was this dim hope that the comic wouldn't be so bad, tempered by a mounting fear that I would actually hate it. Sadly, the latter instinct turned out to be more true. Reading through all forty issues of “Sonic X” was frequently a slog, as the book's plots were lame, the character work non-extensive, the humor far too broad, and ideas deeply simplistic. There's only one more of these fucking things left so let's, as a wise sage once said, go fast.

The definitively entitled “The End” begins with Sonic having a peaceful tea party with Cream and Vanilla. This is interrupted when Shadow the Hedgehog and Metal Sonic Chaos Control on top of their table. But this isn't the versions of Shadow or Metal Sonic from the “Sonic X” cartoon. One seemingly doesn't exist and the other is locked in a tube in Eggman's lab. Instead, this is Shadow and Metal Sonic from Archie's other, better “Sonic” comic. How'd they get there? Because Archie fucking sucks at scheduling this story is actually set after issue 196, which wouldn't be published until a month later. Anyway, most of the comic is devoted to the “X” version of Sonic showing Shadow around his world, until the darker hedgehog unceremoniously returns home.

There's a reason Sonic takes Shadow on a tour. Usually, the two fight when they bump into each other like this. However, this is the final issue of “Sonic X.” Ian Flynn clearly wanted fans to get one more peak at as many “Sonic X” exclusive characters – x-cluvises, if you will – as possible. So Sonic stops by the Chaotix's office, which they are in the process of rebuilding. Inside Eggman's laboratory, we see his El Gran Gordo suit, his trucker outfit from issue 20 and his collection of creepy love letters to Ella. Further walking reveals the giant leprechaun robot he built in issue 17, some of the evil Chao from issue 5, and the ruined X-Robot from issue 24. Sam Speed, Chris' parents, Rouge, and Topaz drop in for a handful of panels. Big the Cat has a cameo in a single panel. It's clear that Ian wanted to pay homage to the series' forty issue run by sneaking in as many callbacks as possible.

A big problem I've had with “Sonic X” throughout its run is how the comic connected with the cartoon show. Archie's other “Sonic” book stood alone from the SatAM. “Sonic X: The Comic,” however, would often weave in and out of episodes from the first two seasons of “Sonic X: The Series.” This annoying habit of referencing stuff that happened on the TV show continues even into the final issue. When Chris sees Shadow, tears well up in his eyes and he gives the black hedgehog a big hug. Where did this homoerotic chemistry between Chris and Shadow originate? I have no idea! Later, we discover Eggman has this universe's Shadow in a tube in his lab. How did he get there? I don't know! Setting the comic in-between the events of the TV show was a bad idea. Either make it a definitive alternate continuity or set it after. Don't jerk us around like this.

Speaking of jerking the readers around! You know how the evil organization, S.O.N.I.C.X., have shown up occasionally to fuck with Sonic's good days? You'd expect the last issue of the comic book to conclude that plot point, right? Nope! The S.O.N.I.C.X. council appears on one page, revealing that they've bugged Sam Speed's car. Upon seeing that Shadow has returned, the S.O.N.I.C.X. members get cold feet and call off the plan. (Which further shows how utterly weak and incompetent these guys are.) So all that foreshadowing about the organization's shadowy leader probably being Captain Woodward? We never find out the truth. It's all been a bunch of build-up for nothing. That just fucking sucks and is a complete failure on the behalf of Archie's writing and editorial staff.

Considering this bull-shittery, I had a thought. Maybe this S.O.N.I.C.X. story concludes in the anime, since so much of the “Sonic X” book referenced the show? I looked it up and was dismayed to find out that S.O.N.I.C.X. is a comic exclusive organization. It really seems to me that the “Sonic X” crew knew the end was coming, since Archie has been hyping “Sonic Universe” for a while. But maybe the cancellation notice was totally sudden. Even then, would it have been too much to include an extra page of Westwood revealing himself and disbanding the organization, declaring it an obvious and dismal failure? Some sense of finality would've been nice.

By including Shadow in this final issue, Ian actually ends up distracting from the regular “Sonic X” cast. Aside from Chris, the rest of Sonic's friends don't get much to do. Cream, Tails, Knuckles and Amy don't appear until the final handful of pages. If Flynn was going to sacrifice the main cast for Shadow and Metal Sonic's guest spots, you'd think he'd at least make the fight scenes awesome, right? Once again, the answer is “no.” Shadow and Metal Sonic wrestle on the first two pages. Near the end of the book, they leap at each other before Chaos Controlling back out of this comic book. It ends the series on one hell of a weak note. (Then again, considering this issue was more-or-less a big advertisement for “Sonic Universe's” premier issue, maybe devoting so much attention to Shadow was just an excuse to draw eyeballs to the upcoming new series.)

In the end, Ian Flynn tries to make issue 40 seem like a proper send-off to “Sonic X,” despite the dangling plot threads and disorganized plotting. The final page has Sonic telling Chris that his mansion, and Earth in general, have become like a new home for him. He then promises Throndyke and all his other pals that more adventures will follow. Once again, “Sonic X: The Comic” is writing around the TV show. Even if the series had been over for a while by the time this book came out, Flynn can't put a definitive end on “Sonic X.” That was up to the show writers and whatever they did in the third season.

And thus “Sonic X,” a mostly pretty poor excuse to promote a cartoon show, came to an end. Forty issues – not quite four years – was actually a great run for this series, especially since the scripts were often extremely weak. I actually really liked one or two issues, when the comic balanced its kid-friendly setting and goof-ball humor well. But, most of the time, “Sonic X” was not a comic book I enjoyed reading. As I said at the beginning, this simply isn't my version of Sonic. So, it is with very few mixed feelings that I bid Archie's “Sonic X” adieu. Bring on “Sonic Universe.” [4/10]

Sonic X: Issue 39

Sonic X: Issue 39
Publication Date: November 2008

With “Sonic X” nearly at its end, you'd think the crew behind the comic would want to go out with a bang. The cover to issue 39, the penultimate  edition of the series, certainly promises something rather literally big. You've got a kaiju-sized Vector wrecking a skyscraper, while Sonic races up the side. Pretty cool, right? Well, once again, prepare to be disappointed. The end is near but things remain much the same.

Part 2 of “Big Trouble in Little Station Square” – still no Lo Pan or John Carpenter soundtrack – picks up where the last one left off. S.O.N.I.C.X.'s evil plan has only succeeded in making Vector into a giant. The villains quickly flee while Sonic and Espio concoct a ridiculous plan to revert Vector back to normal size. Eggman, upon hearing the news that a giant monster is attacking the city, decides to play hero and win himself some heroic cred. His plan involves transforming Bokkun to massive size and having him fight Vector. Will Sonic get there in time?

“Sonic X: The Comic Book” hopes to draw audience's interest by including a fight between a giant monster and a giant robot. It's a good idea, as kaiju battles have an evergreen appeal. This is such a well-known fact that “Sonic X” did it once before. Issue 5 featured Eggman attacking the city with a giant robot while a virtuous Chaos grew to giant size to combat him. I've said for a while that Archie's “Sonic X” was woefully out of ideas. Now that the series is ripping itself off, that point has been proven. The same idea is not as exciting the second time. Chaos uppercutting Egg-gantor's head off was certainly more interesting than Vector and Bokkun wrestling.

However, the second half of “Big Trouble in Little Station Square” does feature one or two gag that made me chuckle. Eggman's overjoyed reaction to hearing a giant monster is attacking the city made me smile. There's a moment when Vector accidentally swallows an airplane, a  moment so bizarre it got a chuckle. The absolute glee with which Bokkun fights Vector is mildly amusing. So is their fight scene, which concludes with Vector giving Bokkun a giant-sized swirlie in the bay. Espio promises that an ancient ninja technique can save that day... Which turns out to be aspirin. When Sonic acts indignantly, Espio corrects him by pointing out that aspirin was invited in ancient Greece. To which Sonic reacts “There were no ninjas in Greece!” It's defanged, kiddie-kiddie humor but with at least something resembling an absurd streak.

Still, “Sonic X” is hampered by the characters being really fucking stupid. Before racing off to prevent Vector from wrecking the city, Sonic and Espio leave Charmy to watch the S.O.N.I.C.X. members. This, of course, is a massive mistake. Hector immediately distracts Charmy, by pointing over his shoulder, allowing the bad guys to escape. The stupidity of S.O.N.I.C.X.'s plan is revealed when Sonic races up to the giant Vector... and reasons with him. I had assume that the magical mutatgen that caused Vector to grow to enormous heights also turned him into a mad beast. Nope! So if the scheme had worked as planned, Sonic wouldn't become a hyper-destructive giant. He just would've been much bigger. What the fuck was that suppose to accomplish? These S.O.N.I.C.X. guys suck at their job.

I've criticized the last two issues of “Sonic X” that Joe Edkin wrote for having a weird moralizing side. I assumed this to be a quirk of Edkins, taking the “kid's book” label that comic had a little too literally. Well, it's not just Joe pulling this shit. Ian Flynn manages to shove an even more distracting, obnoxious “moral lesson” into the book. Sonic and Espio using aspirin to shrink Vector back down to normal size is dumb but could've been a fun absurd gag. Instead, the comic uses this as an excuse to give readers a lesson about responsible use of over-the-counter medication. Okay, sure, kids need to learn not to take pills unless supervised. But is a Sonic book the best place to extend this knowledge?

Last time, I assumed that Ian Flynn would use this two-parter as an excuse to wrap up some of “Sonic X's” lingering plot points. The staff of the comic obviously knew that the series was ending in the next issue, as the letters in the back reference the impending conclusion. Instead, previously mentioned ideas continue to dangle. S.O.N.I.C.X. is still out there, the identity of their evil leader still a mystery. Something that hasn't been brought up since the initial four issues – that Chris Thorndyke's teacher is an undercover government agent – is mentioned again for the first time in the series' entire run. Yet this premises are just throw around, not resolved or concluded. Will Flynn wrap this stuff up next time? That would be a pretty impressive trick, considering Metal Sonic and Shadow are putting in special appearance in the last issue.

The nearly final issue of “Sonic X” did make me chuckle twice or thrice. I suppose that makes it better than the last few issues, which have become increasingly dire. Even then, that's the most minor of improvements. Will “Sonic X” turn things around in the final issue? Considering the overall quality of the series up to this point, I'm gonna say “Outlook's not so good.” [6/10]

Sonic X: Issue 38

Sonic X: Issue 38
Publication Date: October 2008

With only three issues of Archie's “Sonic X” comic to go, Ian Flynn returned to cover a plot point he introduced a while ago. The evil S.O.N.I.C.X. organization of professional Sonic haters were introduced with quite a lot of aplomb. Almost immediately afterwards, the comic book seemingly forgot about them. But, with the book's end imminent, Flynn decided to finally wrap up that dangling plot point.

Issue 38's story is entitled “Big Trouble in Little Station Square” but does not feature exploding Chinese gods or Kurt Russell in a wife beater. (In fact, to mix the reference even more, the story's title is written in the “Indiana Jones” font.) With their resources running short, the wicked members of S.O.N.I.C.X. decide to try another crazy plan. Dr. Narasu intends to inject Sonic with a special mutagen. This will cause the hedgehog to change into a hideous monster, turning public opinion against him. The bad guys attempt to inject Sonic with the drug while he's out and about, running fast and fucking up Eggman, but the plan predictably goes awry.

Since their first appearance, I've bemoaned S.O.N.I.C.X.'s general incompetence. You'd think a collection of experts in their respective fields would suck at lot less at their jobs. Dr. Narasu's plan is sound on the surface, I guess. Making Sonic a hyper-destructive kaiju probably would make people hate him. How do they intend to inject this mutagen? You'd think they would dope Sonic's chili dogs when he wasn't looking. Or maybe discreetly inject him while he's relaxing on Chris Thorndyke's couch. Instead, Narasu's plan is fire the mutagen in a dart at Sonic... From the back of a high speed motorcycle? And he only has enough mutagen for six darts, most of which he foolishly wastes on bad shots. Jeez, it's like he wants to loose or something.

In fact, after missing a few times, S.O.N.I.C.X outright reveals that they are tailing Sonic. Hector, the cocky race car driver, decides to compromise the mission. He uses this as another chance to prove he's faster than Sonic, chasing after the hedgehog on his motorcycle. After making a huge spectacle of himself – crashing through a fruit stand, leaping his bike off a bridge overpass – he actually looks Sonic in the eye. Yes, the chase scene is kind of cool to look at. All it mostly does is draw attention to how fucking incompetent these villains are.

Despite being total fucking dumb asses, Flynn does manage to add the slightest bit of depth to Dr. Narasu and Hector. Hector fowls the mission up because he doesn't actually care about convincing the world Sonic is a threat. He just wants to prove he's the fastest thing alive. Which does explain his awful actions but doesn't explain why he hasn't been kicked out of S.O.N.I.C.X. Narasu, meanwhile, reveals himself as a nutty conspiracy theorist who thinks Sonic is a robot for some reason. It's the thinnest wisp of character development but at least it's something.

Sadly, the script doesn't run with its villains being an arrogant showboat and mentally unstable mad scientist, respectively. Instead, Sonic decides to asks the Chaotix for help, hoping they'll be able to locate and defeat S.O.N.I.C.X. Sadly, once Sonic knocks on their detective-ing shanty's door, “Big Trouble in Little Station Square” collapses totally into sitcom hackery. Sonic walks in on the trio of detective while they are napping. The three are overjoyed to have a case, suggesting business has been fairly slow lately. Which, in turn, suggests they are shitty private investigators. Which also begs the question of why Sonic would seek out their help in the first place!

The script is not very good but at least the artwork is pretty great. Steven Butler returns to “Sonic X” after a lengthy absence. In his previous pencils for this series, you could tell Butler was having trouble fitting his usual style into the “Sonic X” template. He mostly avoids that problem with this issue, save for one odd panel where Sonic makes a weird kissy face at his opponent. Butler's sense of movement and mood is well utilized in several scenes. The members of S.O.N.I.C.X. being interrogated by their mysterious boss makes good use of shadow. Sonic's fight with Eggman's latest device – some sort of robotic giant squid – features some fantastically detailed action. The chase scene, senseless as it is, at least creates a notable feeling of motion.

Issue 38 concludes by promising some giant monster action next time. Considering oddball homages to genre cinema has led to some of this comic's best stories, maybe that'll be fun. Yet, at this point, it's hard for me to summon much enthusiasm for “Sonic X.” The comic's scripts have been utterly pedestrian for quite some time now. By now, it's clear that the writers – even the good ones, like Ian Flynn – weren't willing to expend much effort on the series' scripts. The result is forgettable, half-assed stuff like this. Luckily, the end is in sight as there's only two more of these damn things left. [5/10]

Sonic X: Issue 37

Sonic X: Issue 37
Publication Date: September 2008

Ian Flynn's work on Archie's main “Sonic the Hedgehog” book was clearly a passion project for him. He obviously cared about the comic and its world. He wrote fan fiction before becoming the book's main writer, so clearly this was a dream project for him. But what about “Sonic X?” I have no insight into how Archie's editorial department approached the “Sonic X” book. Maybe they, or somebody in Sega's licensing sector, demanded the book be more childish and simplistic. However, as the series nears it conclusion, it seems to me that Ian's “Sonic X” scripts were last minute, late night ideas.

With that in mind, it's easy to imagine Flynn sitting at his word processors, at a blank document, and saying “We haven't tried a body-swap premise yet!” “Switcharoo!” begins with Eggman attacking the President. He's wielding a mind changing ray, hoping to put his mind into the President's body. (In 2018, if Eggman really wanted to be president, he'd just have to campaign.) Sonic intervenes and the hero and villain end up switching bodies. Both are content to enjoy their enemies' homes... Until S.O.N.I.C.X. attempts to kidnap the President, forcing both characters to leap into action.

This is not the first time an Archie “Sonic the Hedgehog” comic handled the mind swap premise. You may remember – I totally had to look it up – but Ken Penders did something similar in “Sonic Super Special: Issue 12.” Of course, the kids reading “Sonic X” in 2008 probably hadn't read that book. However, the odds that they had seen “Freak Friday,” “Like Father, Like Son” or any number of similarly themed movies or television episodes seems likely. The popular remake of “Freaky Friday” had come out five whole years earlier. The point is: Even the youngsters reading this comic probably realized this was a derivative, worn-out premise.

I'll say something about Flynn's script. Issue 12 of “Sonic Super Special” revolved around Sonic and Knuckles switching places. This times, it's the hero and the villain trading places. This does lead to some cute moments. Neither Sonic nor Eggman are able to handle each other's various gifts. Seemingly ignoring all those hilarious game mods, Eggman's attempts to run in Sonic's body leads to him bouncing off all surfaces. Sonic, meanwhile, has to get used to Eggman's slower, fatter body. I know I say this every time but it's mildly amusing.

In the grand tradition of body switch comedies, this experience also causes the characters to appreciate each other more. Considering his escapades as El Gran Gordo, we already know that Eggman yearns to be heroic. As Sonic, he decides to rescue the President ostensibly because he's annoyed another villain is edging in on his territory. Yet we can tell he secretly wants to be the good guy. Sonic as Eggman, meanwhile, realizes he doesn't have the skills to operate the sci-fi technology Eggman regularly utilizes. It's not a lot – it's really a little, truthfully – but it adds some depth to the script.

A while ago, Ian Flynn introduced S.O.N.I.C.X., that cabal of anti-Sonic haters hoping to defeat him through subterfuge and trickery. It seemed like Flynn was building towards something with that but, after two appearances, S.O.N.I.C.X. disappeared from the book. Well, they're back. Their master plan is as incompetent as ever. They kidnap the President and try to convince him to declare Sonic and friends illegal aliens. That's it. Wouldn't a better plan have been to, I don't know, infiltrate the government and use federal resources to capture Sonic and friends? Kidnapping the President in a very public display of villainy seems to undermine their own goals. But S.O.N.I.C.X. have always sucked at planning, despite their obvious resources.

Flynn also remembers another forgotten plot point: Eggman's lust for Ella, which the villain references while inside Sonic's body. So now that old, fat romance also includes an element of bestiality and furry fetishism. Thanks for finding a way to make that gross plot point even weirder, Flynn. Thankfully, a fairly underwhelming conclusion, that features Sonic and Eggman slamming  into each other and switching back, saves us the awful sight of Sonic attempting to bed Ella.

James Fry's artwork is pretty good, I'll say. There's actually some cool, moody panels devoted to Decoe and Bocoe. Of course, Fry also draws Sonic looking extremely creepy in a few other panels. Maybe that was intentional, since Eggman is inside his body at that point. But it's still an odd sight. Anyway, as the uninspiring premise might make you expect, issue 37 is another soundly middle-of-the-road edition of “Sonic X.” Only three remain and thank Aurora for that. [5/10]

Sonic X: Issue 36

Sonic X: Issue 36
Publication Date: August 2008

As Archie's primary “Sonic” cover artist for more than twenty years, Patrick Spaziante's obvious skills should speak for themselves. Every once in a while though, he would draw something that was just... Weird. Like the cover for issue 36 of “Sonic X.” For some reason, Spaz made the decision to illustrate the pets surrounding Sonic and Eggman in a hyper-realistic manner. The result is unnerving, as clearly cartoony characters are surrounded by nearly photo-realistic animals. That Sonic and Eggman have pained, unnerved facial expressions only adds to how uncomfortable this cover is to look at. It's not bad – Spaz's work is too detailed to qualify as 'bad” - but it's definitely weird looking. But at least it ties in perfectly with the story inside the book.

So, anyway, the plot: “Petastrophe” begins with Sonic dining with Chris Thorndyke and friends inside an ice cream shop. A spoiled little rich bitch named Milan Ramada marches in and starts being a massive cunt to Chris and his friends. This petty argument is thankfully interrupted by an Eggman attack, where the doctor steals the limo Milan rode in. The car's engine contains a special device called a Recombobulator – yes, really – that Eggman desires for some reason. Yet he needs a Chaos Emerald to power it. Instead of just stealing one like he usually does, Eggamn decides to participate in a pet show where a real Chaos Emerald is the prize. A pet show where Milan is also appearing. Chris enters Sonic into the same pet show strictly to spite both of their archenemies.

“Petastrophe” is another Joe Edkin dish. In the past, Edkin's work on “Sonic X” has ranged from deeply formulaic stories to enjoyably nutty homages to classic genre cinema. With this story and his previous credit, the writer is showing a previously unseen and deeply unseemly preachy side. His story for issue 33 included an annoying moral about the advantages of intelligence over brute strength. “Petastrophe” pauses for two sequences so Cream can learn a lesson on the importance of leash training your pets. At first, the cartoon bunny is disturbed by Earthlings putting animals in cages and on leashes. After Eggman's shenanigans causes a bunch of pets to go ape-shit, Cream realizes leashes are necessary. It's an odd lesson to include in a “Sonic” comic, firstly, and seems more-or-less disconnected with the rest of the story.

And what is the rest of the story about? Mostly, making fun of Paris Hilton. By 2008, Hilton's status as an inescapable, inexplicably famous celebrity starlet was on the wan. The vile Kardashian brood was already beginning to supplant her. So Edkin choosing to make fun of her in a kid's comic was a weird decision. His characterization of Milan Ramada as a deeply petty, manipulative, vicious little bitch borders on the mean-spirited. (Though I have no doubt that twelve year old Paris Hilton was an equally terrible human being.) Considering Chris Thorndyke is also the child of insanely rich parents, it's odd to make his heated enemy another rich kid. You'd think Milan would consider Chris an equal, instead of someone to look down on. The book points out this factoid, claiming Chris isn't a hateful piece of garbage like Milan. Okay, sure, but it's not like he can relate to the struggles of the working class either.

When the book isn't lecturing kids on pet safety or lobbing soft balls at Paris Hilton, it's contrasting Sonic and friends with normal Earth animals. Which does admittedly lead to some cute moments. Such as Sonic encountering a realistic hedgehog and pausing in confusion at the strange creature. Or Sonic getting examined by the judges. (Disappointingly, Edkins doesn't throw in a panel of Knuckles comparing genitalia with a real echidna.) Sadly, Eggman trying to pass Bokkun off as a cat is a less amusing. Christ, it's barely a joke.

That is a good example of how incredibly stupid Eggman's plan is, even by the standards of his previous evil plots. Eggman randomly grabs this Recombobulator thing, which does not come up in the rest of the story. He needs a Chaos Emerald to power it, even though it was inside a car motor for some reason. Though Eggman has shown no qualms about stealing Chaos Emeralds before, he decides to fairly compete for it. Also: Why the fuck is a pet show giving away an incredibly volatile, literally magical power source? I know this is a kid's comedy book but, gee whiz, is a little internal consistency too much to ask for?

This is an action comic, theoretically. Issue 36 does feature some mildly diverting action scenes. An early bit has Sonic grabbing missiles that Eggman has launched into Station Square as a distraction. (Which is a nice reminder that, even if the book plays him exclusively for comedy, Eggman is still a wantonly destructive terrorist.) The pages devoted to the hedgehog grabbing the missiles before they hit innocent bystanders are pretty good. The book's big conclusion has Sonic and Eggman's fight causing an animal riot at the pet show. For some reason, cheetahs, giant snakes, and red tail hawks where invited to this pet show. Weirdly, the big hero moments belongs to Cream. She shows off a previously unseen super-ability, releasing a sonic scream that throws back three snarling dobermans. It really comes out of nowhere but James Fry's pencils at least look nice.

So it's another middling, pretty dumb issue of “Sonic X.” I'm honestly surprised I keep finding new things to say about this comic book. I could save myself a lot of trouble and just type the words “It stinks!” 499 times. But, no, I've got to be a professional for my cartoon hedgehog blog. I'm going to whisper “Only four more issues of Sonic X!” into my pillow before falling asleep tonight. [5/10]

Sonic X: Issue 35

Sonic X: Issue 35
Publication Date: July 2008

Think way back, Archie “Sonic” faithfuls. Take a look at some of the book's early covers. I'm talking about, specifically, issue 19. If you have a memory for this kind of bullshit, you may recall that issue 19 of Archie's “Sonic the Hedgehog” series featured multiple Sonics on the cover, each one in wildly different costumes. Fourteen years later, the “Sonic X” spin-off series would pay homage to that cover. This issue features Eggman in a number of crazy, different costumes and personas. I mean, I assume this is a deliberate throwback. Maybe it's just a wacky coincidence.

“Cracking the Eggman!” begins with a mysterious crime wave gripping Station Square. Multiple strange, mustached men have robbed banks all over the city. The Chaotix are brought into investigated but Sonic is fairly certain Eggman is behind this. He tracks down the villain and discovers him in different costumes, sporting bizarre personality shifts. He eventually discovers that Eggman is on a weird sugar rush and conspires to run the bad guy's batteries down.

By 2008, the bag of ideas that the “Sonic X” writers got their comic premises out of was empty. This forced them to dig up increasingly desperate story concepts, somehow dragging this book's sad, pathetic existence out for a few more issues. Issue 35 of “Sonic X” can be boiled down to “Eggman Plays Dress-Up!” The “Sonic X” version of Robotnik has always been a clownish opponent. By this point, any threat level he might have had was completely depleted. This Eggman is a loser, a moron, and a lame excuse for an adversary. So why not watch him dance through a series of goofy costumes? Why the fuck not? Nothing fucking matters anyway.

In that spirit of “Fuck it! Who cares?,” I'll admit to getting some entertainment value out of the different personalities Eggman cycles through. He first appears as a viking, dragging a long ship through the streets of the city and speaking in a ridiculous Norwegian accent. He later shows up as a pirate, a ninja, and a knight, bringing a new, bizarre vocal inflection along with each new outfit. In an honestly rather impressive two page spread, Sonic tricks the villain into leaping through a dozen different outfits. A few these – such as a vampire or an Elvis Presley impersonator – are mildly cute visual gags. Even better, there's a bizarre gag where Eggman wears a fur suit and Chris Thorndyke's clothes. Chew on that, weirdos.

Another fleetingly amusing aspect of “Cracking the Eggman!” is how Sonic's opinion towards his enemy has evolved. This version of Sonic has always treated his opponent as more of a nuisance than anything else. He's never outright hated the guy, even if he's attempted to murder him countless times. By this point in the series, he's even developing a clear pity for him. Sonic helps Eggman get back to normal because he feels bad for him. Maybe he would just like his regular archenemy back, instead of this bananas bullshit. Yet a hero who actively pities his primary opponent is an interesting idea.

I probably would've given issue 35 a six outta ten and left it at that. If it wasn't for that ending. The reveal that Eggman went crazy because he had sweets for breakfast is fucking stupid. I've had my share of sugar highs and never went on a costume-fueled rampage. What makes this plot reveal even dumber is how the book handles it. In the final pages, Sonic chastises Eggman for eating too much junk food. The book ends with a moral, explaining to the audience that sugary foods should be consumed in moderation and should never be eaten for breakfast. I get this book was pitched at a really young crowd but do not appreciate them talking down to me in this manner. Seriously, kids, don't take nutritional advice from a “Sonic the Hedgehog” comic book.

For some reason, the Chaotix are in this comic. Why? I don't know. They are interviewed by that reoccurring newswoman character whose name I've never bothered to learn. They show up at the end, making a stupid assumption about this situation. I guess this was for comic relief or something but it's not funny. Maybe Ian Flynn, who wrote this one, just wanted an excuse to shoehorn in some characters he's fond of or something? I don't know. “Sonic X” has raised a lot of baffling questions recently.

The artwork is pretty good. James Fry is clearly having fun doodling Eggman in these ridiculous get-ups. Fry probably didn't get many other chances to draw a viking ship. Fry seems to be the only Archie regular artist whose style wasn't compromised by the mandates of the “Sonic X” book. So it's not complete shit, even if the book is so clearly, obviously begging for the executives to put a bullet in its head. Hold on, baby, we've got five more of these things to wade through. [5/10]

Sonic X: Issue 34

Sonic X: Issue 34
Publication Date: June 2008

I probably sound like a broken record at this point but the material presents me with very few other options: As Archie's “Sonic X” series slowly moved towards its conclusion, it became more and more apparent how totally out of ideas the writers were. “Sonic X” has always operated under the general philosophy of “let's throw random shit at Sonic.” At least gold nuggets like “Leprechaun robots!” and “Transforming robots!” fit the series to a degree. Lately, premises like “Eggman is a wrestler now!” and “Sonic joins the circus!” suggests that the writer's room was really scraping the bottom of the barrel. And yet, somehow, the barrel just keeps going. Issue 34 is the pool party edition of “Sonic X.” Yes, really.

The creatively entitled “Fool Party!” begins when Sonic, aghast, reads that the Chris' dad is throwing a charity donation pool party... With Sonic's attendance as part of the deal. Since Sonic hates swimming, this is a problem. When Eggman donates what looks to be about a billion dollars to become that special guest, it becomes more of a problem. Weirdly – or not, considering this version of Robotnik is an even bigger moron – the villain doesn't just use this as an opportunity to firebomb Sonic and friends. Instead, he actually uses the pool party as a chance to get closer to Chuck Thorndyke's new invitation, some super powerful engine or something. Anyway, shenanigans ensue.

In Japanese anime, episodes where the cast of characters go to a bath house are so common that there's an entire wiki devoted to it. Since about fifty percent of anime is aimed at perverts, this is usually an excuse to get the female characters in no or very little clothing. It's such a common troupe that even a sci-fi show like “Outlaw Star” devoted a whole episode to such a setting. “Fool Party!” kind of plays like the G-rated version of this, lacking the fan service but keeping the other ideas you associate with the concept. (Though Amy and Cream are in bathing suits, if you're into that kind of thing, you fucking weirdo.) In other words, the script is devoted to goofy poolside antics and the characters generally relaxing.

Ian Flynn does, rather disturbingly, add a romantic element to “Fool Party!” While Eggman is trying to weasel the location of the engine out of Chuck Thorndyke, something distracts him. Ella – yes, the Thorndyke's offensively stereotypical Latina maid – walks to the pool in a bathing suit. Eggman apparently finds this sight so enticing that it more-or-less derails his entire incompetent scheme. You know, different strokes for different folks. I'm not judging the guy's taste in women. I guess if a cast member of “Sonic X” had to give Eggman a boner, Ella is the least horrible choice. Yet this is just a further example of how totally useless this Eggman is as an adversary. But mostly it's just gross and weird. I don't want to think about Eggman having sex, much less with a matronly older woman. Why did you put that image in my head, Ian Flynn?!

Aside from that horror, there is one mildly – and I'm talking the mildest of mild sauces here – amusing gag in “Fool Party!” Sonic's reluctance to participate in the pool party has less to do with Eggman showing up and more to do with his general hydrophobia. He stays at the side of the pool for most of the issue until Eggman's challenge of a belly flopping contest forces him to jump into the water. It's the thinnest wisp of a joke but, considering this indirectly references my blog's title, it gave me the briefest flicker of amusement.

In truth, the pool party premise is so diaphanous that Ian's attention quickly wanders. Being robots with shitty water proofing, Bocoe and Decoe cannot participate in the poolside gaiety. Tails' offers to fuck around with their programming to, perhaps, allow them to dip into the water. All the fox succeeds in doing is setting off Eggman's built-in fail safe against program tampering. The two comic relief robots immediately become murderous kill-bots, pursuing Tails. Sonic's sidekick only escape certain de-meatment due to Eggman's dive bomb into the pool, emptying the pool's contents into the surrounding yard. This is an example of Flynn desperately pawing around for some sort of plot to beef up this meager story.

During my previous “Sonic X” review, I noted how the quality of David Hutchinson's artwork varies wildly from issue to issue. Hutchinson's pencils for issue 33 were actually pretty good. His pencils for issue 34 are actually pretty bad. The robots look slightly off-model and kind of unintentionally creepy. Hutchinson seems to have trouble drawing Sonic and Tails' eyes, as both look weirdly cross-eyed in a few panels. Grandpa Chuck suffers the worst of it. There's two panels where Chuck's face twist into deeply unfortunate looking expressions. One has him biting his tongue in abject horror, the other has him screaming madly against a swirling backdrop. It's a bummer that these bad moments are so glaring. Otherwise, Hutchinson's pencils are decent enough.

Most of the “Sonic X” comics have been squarely mediocre. Issue 34 hits a new low. There's really no point to this story at all. I mean, shit, they could've at least put Rouge or Topaz in bikinis. I'd even accept Chris' mom in skimpy swimwear, a visual teased on the cover that the book does not deliver on. You know, anything to actually justify this comic book's existence. It's not as if inappropriate fan service is something unseen here. Instead, we get a bunch of aimless slapstick antics that are even more dire than usual. It's a disposable issue, even by the admittedly slack standards set by the other issues of “Sonic X.” Just six more of these fucking things. [4/10]

Sonic X: Issue 33

Sonic X: Issue 33
Publication Date: May 2008

With issue 33 of Archie's “Sonic X” series, original head writer Joe Edkin returns to the book. I have no idea why Edkin took such an extended break, leaving Ian Flynn and a random selection of other people to pen the scripts. Nor do I know why Edkin would come back at this point. Maybe Flynn was busy with the main “Sonic” book. Maybe Archie was already planning “Sonic X's” end and wanted to bring back the original writer to create a sense of finality. Who knows? Sad to say, Edkin's uneven skills did not improve during his vacation from this title.


 “Meteor Madness” begins with Sonic and pals having a cook-out. While Chris Thorndyke bemoans how few adventures he has, Grandpa Chuck spots a meteor with his telescope. This bit of news becomes more urgent when Chuck announces that there's a Chaos Emerald inside the meteor. The group of friends – which includes the Chaotix, recently returned to Earth – head out on a wild scavenger hunt, forming teams and seeing who can make it to the Emerald first.

The scavenger hunt idea starts out as mildly amusing. Some good natured-competition between friends is always a nice way to ratchet up tension inside a story. Sadly, “Meteor Madness” quickly falls into an exhausting zany streak. Not to mention some spotty continuity. Sonic running to the North Pole from where ever the hell the Thorndyke mansion is located is one thing. Running fast is Sonic's thing. But how the heck do the other characters keep up with this pace? “Meteor Madness” has the team running all over the world and it raises some serious questions.

But back to that zany aspect. While in South America, the meteor changes hands more times than I could count. Rouge zips in, determined to have it for herself. Amy gets a little too involved, threatening to smash people with her hammer. The Chaotix grab the meteor only to loose it. Big the Cat is here for some reason. What could've been a mildly cute gag – Eggman is on vacation, relaxing in a mud bath – is interrupted when the heroes run through the doctor's base, dipping him too deep into the mud.

If the overbearing physical comedy wasn't your first clue, “Meteor Madness” catches “Sonic X” in an especially juvenile mood. Edkin is getting at a moral here. In the early pages, Chris Thorndykes expresses some misgivings about how Sonic and his friends always have all the adventures. After forming a team with Cream and Charmy, Chris tags behind the others on the chase. In the end, Chris is revealed to have grabbed the Emerald from the meteor when nobody was looking. This proves his worth to the time and, presumably, imposes on the young reader's how observation and planning is sometimes more important than brute strength.

The only problem is... Chris Thorndyke is a whiny little bitch. Those panels devoted to Chris talking about how he wished he had more adventure in his life are insufferable. Shit, kid, aren't you like ten years old? Don't you realize you aren't cut out for adventuring? Jesus, why does Sonic put up with this entitled little brat? Your parents are fucking loaded, Chris. Enjoy the fact that you can have absolutely any material possession in the world for your entire life and stop trying to force yourself into life risking adventures with your furry friends.

Truthfully, I think Edkin was aiming his writing at a very young crowd with this one. “Sonic X” has always skewed younger than Archie's other, superior “Sonic” book. But this particular issue is practically aimed at the kindergarten crowd. More than once, Edkin's narration boxes push over into overly pushy, outright asking the reader questions. In case you didn't get the obvious moral, Edkin pins on another narration box on the final page, outright explaining today's lesson. Maybe the six-to-seven crowd would have less of a problem with this.

Having said that, at least the artwork is pretty good. You never really know what level of quality you're going to get when David Hutchinson is drawing an issue. Some of his illustrations have been the best artwork “Sonic X” has ever seen. Some of his other pencils have been the worst artwork to appear in this book. Luckily, Hutchinson is bringing his A-game with this one. Everyone is on-model. There's an expressive, fluid aspect to the action sequences. The change in locations allows for some colorful backgrounds. There's even a surprising amount of detail in the scenes devoted to Eggman's robot, suggesting Hutchinson had been taking pointers from Steven Butler. So at least the artwork's nice.

Oh, and one more thing. Joe Edkin leans on another annoying habit in this issue. He takes time to reference stuff that happened on the cartoon show. Knuckles makes some vague reference to fighting a robot ninja at one point. Is it too much to ask for this comic book to stand alone? Around the same time, Edkins also takes the time to correct a continuity error. Edkin had the Chaotix getting zapped back to Sonic's world off-panel many issues ago. Ian Flynn, in his Valentine's Day special, had Vector and his crew back on Earth without explanation. Edkin takes the easy way out and just says that the Chaotix were teleported back to Earth in-between these two explanations. Not that anyone really noticed this foul-up but I guess it's good that somebody is paying attention.

Once again, an issue of “Sonic X” has left me feeling more-or-less nothing at all. It's a fairly inoffensive read but I guess I demand a little more from my comic books about blue hedgehogs that run fast. Edkins wrote some really fun stories in the past but when he pitches to the kiddy crowd, the quality suffers. Anyway, that's another issue of “Sonic X” reviewed. 33 down, seven to go. [5/10]

Sonic X: Issue 32

Sonic X: Issue 32
Publication Date: April 2008

Holy shit, “Sonic X” is still doing the pro-wrestler thing. Listen, I don't dislike El Gran Gordo, Eggman's pro-wrestler alter ego. I mean, I did give it the Best New Character award last year. Yet that's the kind of joke character you feature once, maybe twice. This is his fourth or fifth appearance. It's seems to me that the persona was popular with readers and, grasping at anything to keep the kids coming back, the “Sonic X” crew continued to feature him. Or maybe, I don't know, Ian Flynn and his gang just liked writing about him. Either way, Eggman's adventures in the ring are starting to ware out their welcome.

“Title Mismatch” picks up where last month left off, with Eggman dressed up as a luchador on the Thorndyke's doorstep. After talking with Chris and Ella a little, Sonic and El Gran Gordo level with each other. The doctor reveals that, upon returning to his base after the previous night's wrestling match, he was attacked by his own robots. He can only assume Bokkun has taken his duty as Eggman's stand-in too far. Thus, hero and villain must temporarily team up. Sonic agrees to help Eggman... On the condition he drops this ridiculous wrestling business.

Okay, okay, I understand what kind of comic book “Sonic X” is. It's a goofy, light-hearted book for kids full of silly, visual sight gags. But, Jesus and the Jets, how stupid are Chris Thorndyke and his family? El Gran Gordo is standing in their kitchen. He's right in front of them. And they still don't realize that Eggman and the luchador are the same guy? If this blatant stupidity isn't enough for you, Ian Flynn also throws in some casual racism. Ella, Chris Thorndyke's maid, was already a slightly sketchy Spanish stereotype. In this issue, she's convinced she went to high school with El Gran Gordo. Because all Latino people know each other, right, Flynn? Sweet sweet Satan, man, you're better than this.

Of course, Chris and Ella aren't the only character to display random acts of dumbness in this story. Flynn has to cross some especially long narrative bridges to justify this team-up between good guy and bad guy. We have to assume that Eggman didn't build some sort of vocal recognition into his own robots. We have to assume Eggman didn't also build some sort of facial recognition into his own robots, since he never tries to remove his mask before him. We also have to assume that these same guard robots would be deactivated, for no reason, when Sonic and Eggman return to the base later in the story. It's a lot of stuff for the reader to swallow, just to make room for a goofy team-up.

If the gag of Sonic dressed as El Gran Gordo's sidekick was good enough, I would be willing to forgive all these trespasses. Sadly, seeing Sonic made-up like a luchador is not inherently amusing to me. It doesn't help that the costume Eggman sticks him in looks terrible. The leotard, cape, and mask combo looks more like pajamas than a wrestler costumes. About the only funny really bit that arises from this set-up is Sonic's frustration with the limitations of the costume. Especially the cape. Which is a joke Flynn stole from “The Incredibles.” Don't think I didn't notice, Ian.

Also, dear readers, can we all agree that Bokken is kind of a terrible character? I maintain he's like a less entertaining version of GIR from “Invader ZIM.” He's small and robotic and obsessed with a  specific foodstuff. Just candy instead of tacos. This is the third or fourth time that Eggman's totally useless sidekick has attacked and betrayed him. Seriously, just scrap the fucking robot, man. This time, Bokken doesn't have the excuse of a raging sugar high. He's just following his orders, of impersonating Eggman, a little too literally.

So is there anything I enjoyed about “Title Mismatch?” Well, the gag about Decoe and Bocoe lounging around the house and playing video games – because Bokken-as-Eggman doesn't expect them to do any work – is amusing. Secondly, the hedgehog-smashing robot Eggman had prepared, and Bokken utilizes, is directly based off one of the bosses from “Sonic and Knuckles.” Specifically, the Act 1 boss from the Death Egg Zone, which I always called the Killer Eye. It's sort of fun seeing that in a comic book, even if Eggman's incompetence allows Sonic to easily defeat it.

Maybe I'm not drunk enough. Maybe I'm too much of a cynical grouch. It's been proven in the past that “Sonic X's” mixture of goofy characters and screwball comedy can work. This isn't it, as the dumbness of the scenarios overwhelm any amusement the reader might've gotten out of this. Thankfully, the ending promises that El Gran Gordo will be retired for the foreseeable future, which is probably a good idea. Eggman's heroic persona was funny once, maybe twice, but wouldn't have held up as a reoccurring character for much longer. Anyway, that's another “Sonic X” comic off the checklist. Only eight more to go! [5/10]

Sonic X: Issue 31

Sonic X: Issue 31
Publication Date: March 2008

With the dawning of a new year, I have certain completed missions to look forward too. Today's review covers another mediocre issue of “Sonic X.” If you're as sick of this as I am, there's only nine issues of this series left. The end is neigh. Let's get this over with.

“The Return of El Gran Gordo” revisits Chris Thorndyke's previously displayed fondness for professional wrestling. He watches a match with his granddad, in which a wrestler named Andes the Ginormous calls out El Gran Gordo. This declaration incenses Eggman. He cooks up a scheme that will allow him to return to the ring while throwing off the accusation that El Gran Gordo and Eggman are one and the same. While Chris excitedly watches his favorite wrestler get back in the ring, Sonic runs across the city stopping another rampage from someone who appears to be his archenemy.

There's a fairly obvious narrative switcharoo going on inside “The Return of El Gran Gordo.” While Eggman's wrestling persona grapples with Andes, Sonic races after someone else appearing to be Eggman. This act of double vision briefly confuses Sonic. The reader is less affected. Writer Ian Flynn lays down his cards a little too early. The second Eggman, instead of robbing banks, is robbing candy stores. This leads to the obvious reveal: Bokkun is disguised as Eggman, in order to distract from the wrestling ring and clear El Gran Gordo's name. The version of Sonic in the main book would probably figure that out immediately.

For better or worst, the pro-wrestler stuff is back. I continue to be very ambivalent towards this. On one hand, it allows “Sonic X” to cut loose in a goofy way that's markedly different than its usual goofiness. On the other hand, it's fucking stupid and so totally divorced from what you expect to read in a “Sonic” comic. El Gran Gordo returning so quickly, only three issues after his last appearance, suggests a certain degree of desperation. Fans presumably responded to the character, or else he wouldn't be coming back so soon. At the same time, I also suspect the “Sonic X” editor just had no other ideas.

What made the El Gran Gordo persona memorable was how it changed Eggman. He liked the attention from the crowd. Having fun as a heroic, masked face made him doubt his commitment to villainy. Disappointingly, issue 31 doesn't grapple with Eggman's shift in personality. Instead, he gets back in the ring strictly to defend his wrasslin' honor against a new challenger. His feelings and insights into the situation aren't even breached when Eggman starts getting his ass kicked. El Gran Gordo won his previous victories by cheating. He's actually wrestling on his own now and gets his ass kicked. You'd think a situation like that would make him question why he's drawn to do this.

I will say this about the action scenes: It provides an opportunity for some decent Tracy Yardley artwork. This issue certainly packs in the grappling. Eggman gets body slammed. He gets tossed into the ropes and clotheslined. He gets tossed overhead and thrown to the canvass on several occasions. Andes the Ginormous doesn't have a molecule of the charm the real Andre the Giant had. You can only see Eggman get beaten up so many times before it looses its entertainment value. Say what you will about the action but, like I said, Yardley draws it well.

If “The Return of El Gran Gordo” was just devoted to wrasslin' and turbo-broad comedy, it would've been a standard issue of “Sonic X.” What makes this story drop down a grade for me is the subplot involving Chris Thorndyke. How fucking gullible is this kid? He knows his favorite wrestler and the man who has attempted to kill him multiple times are the same person. And yet he still cheers on El Gran Gordo. In a sickeningly sappy panel, Eggman gets inspired to win the match when he spots Chris crying in the audience. Normally, I figured this was a sarcastic swipe at an hopelessly hokey cliché. But this is “Sonic X” we're talking about. This book isn't that observant.

It's hard to tell if Ian Flynn was getting anything out of writing these “Sonic X” stories. His passion for the mainline book and its universe was obvious. You could tell how much fun he had writing it. His “Sonic X” scripts are phoned in. The attempts at comedy sharper than slapstick, such as Sonic referencing the ancient “40 Cakes” meme, are fairly tin-earred. The ending suggest we'll be getting more El Gran Gordo next month, meaning I'll continue to have mixed feelings about this book. Hopefully, Ian will leave the sap behind. [5/10]