30 Years of Sonic Fandom

On this date, thirty years ago, the very first "Sonic the Hedgehog" video game was released for the Sega Genesis. Congratulations, Sonic, you're officially middle-aged. Buy a boat and start planning your retirement. Despite wildly divergent highs and lows over all that time, "Sonic" is somehow still relevant to our modern world. Sega has done everything they can to hype up this significant anniversary, though one assumes bigger plans were hijacked by the collective clusterfuck that was 2020. Either way, the "Sonic" franchise has now survived three decades, which is way longer than I think anyone ever could've anticipated back in 1991. 

Obviously, Hedgehogs Can't Swim wasn't going to let this momentous occasion pass without some sort of acknowledgment. Today, the pop culture and gaming press is surely full of all sorts of retrospectives, tracking the series' tumultuous and unexpected history over these past thirty years. You don't need me to regurgitate trivia and factoids that can be easily found anywhere else on the internet. Instead, I'm taking this magical day to talk about something far more self-indulgent: My history with "Sonic the Hedgehog," my story as a fan of whatever the hell this series is. 

I was almost three years old when the very first "Sonic the Hedgehog" game was unleashed on the world. By some twist of fate, I almost share a birthday with my favorite multi-media franchise. The original game came out exactly one day before I turned three. That's young enough that I have no specific memories of the first game's release. In fact, as I've mentioned before, I'm not even sure when I first became aware of the blue hedgehog. The earliest memory I actually retain about "Sonic" is also one I've talked about before: That would be watching a clip of "SatAM" on ABC's 1993 prime time preview of that year's new cartoon shows. 

I also know I saw ads for the original game in issues of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Magazine, which I thumbed through repeatedly as a kid as the Turtles were my first pop culture obsession. Those ads might very well be my first exposure to anything "Sonic" related. Either way, it was the cartoon show and the comic book, which I discovered shortly afterwards, that made me the true blue hedgehog fanatic that I am today.

I imagine this experience is not typical of "Sonic" fans my age. Most of you guys probably played the video game first. Because money wasn't always easy to come by in my childhood household, and because my mother thought video games were noisy and annoying, I didn't receive my own Sega Genesis until a few years later. I'm pretty sure I didn't get my Genesis until my seventh birthday, in June of 1995. I can recall with great detail how I got this console: My mom took me to Toys R' Us and had me pick out some Genesis games that she said were for a family member's birthday. I selected "Sonic 3," "Dr. Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine" and "Tiny Toon Adventures: Buster's Hidden Treasure." Being a naïve child, I bought right into this easily seen-through deception, a parent ignorant of gaming tricking her child into picking out his own gifts. Pretty sneaky, Mom! 

When I unwrapped those games on my birthday I was shocked and delighted. Because kids are dumb but also precious. I can assure you that "Sonic 3" and "Mean Bean Machine" were the first "Sonic" games I ever played. And I kind of sucked at both of them, having trouble getting through the first few levels. Yet I was still sucked in. I quickly acquired "Sonic 1," "2," "& Knuckles," "Spinball," and even "3D Blast." When we got our first PC a few years later, I even had a copy of "Sonic Schoolhouse," though I can't recall playing it more than once. While I never owned one myself, I did have a friend with a Sega CD and a copy of "Sonic CD," which allowed me to marvel at the opening animation and stumble through the first couple stages. 

Obviously, I spent many hours playing those games, wasting huge chunks of my childhood on pixels and controllers. "Sonic 2" and the singular, detached "Sonic & Knuckles" cartage became my favorites and are the only two I ever mastered as a kid. While I love and respect those original games, it's fair to say they aren't my favorite iteration of the "Sonic" universe. I can recall, as a young boy, wanting nothing more than for Sally and the Freedom Fighters to appear in one of the games. Imagine how bug nuts I went when I discovered their cameos in "Sonic Spinball." 

This is because, as I've said over and over again on this blog, the Archie comic book is really what turned me into a "Sonic" obsessive. I've been trying to figure out why this goofy comic book – which obviously had more than its fair share of shitty issues – meant so much to me. And I think I've finally cracked it: It was another world. Sonic's universe was colorful and crazy and full of lovable characters. It was a place that felt distinct from our world, with conflicts and melodramas that were bigger yet simpler than those of real life. It had depth too. Those early issues introduced new characters, story concepts, and ideas so quickly and sloppily that a convoluted lore quickly built up. As longtime readers of the comic and this blog know, those issues could also get surprisingly dark at times.

It was easy to get lost in this wonderland. When things got hard at home and in my young life, which they often did, I was always able to get lost in those comic books. More so than any thematic concerns or storytelling hooks, that's why "Sonic" means so much to me. As ridiculous as it feels to type this, those books became a source of comfort for me. And continued to be one for two decades, this comic ostensibly for children oddly finding a way to age with me. This might be why it bugged me so much when the reboot introduced regular humans to the comic's world, as it made the Archie universe resemble our world more. I don't want "Sonic" to resemble our world! I want it to be a wild and crazy place with its own weird-ass mythos and rules. 

It was an escape that was only for me too, making it feel even more impossibly personal. While I certainly knew kids and had friends who played the "Sonic" games and watched the cartoons, I was the only person I knew that was into the comic. This is probably why this stupid-ass funny animal book became part of my fuckin personality, because it sometimes felt like it was made just for me. As the decade went on and "Sonic's" popularity faded somewhat, I retreated even more into my obsession and started writing long-winded stories and fan comics about these characters and their world. I wanted to be a part of this universe that I loved so much. That desire expressed itself in fanfic ideas that may or may not have featured an overpowered self-insert character. 

I call these fanfics but they were more like ideas, episode synopses and scripts for non-existent TV shows and movies, because I didn't know what the fuck fan fiction was at the time. That all changed when I got online around 1998 or so. The first "Sonic" website I can recall finding was called The Sonic Foundation and it blew my fucking mind. There were other people out there like me! Who also knew about this shit and obsessed over it and wrote shitty stories where they got to hang out with their favorite characters! It was a real "eureka" moment, let me tell ya.

I quickly delve into the world of "Sonic" fandom, finding other sites and chat rooms and fanfic archives that took up too much of my time. This was so long ago that Google wasn't even popular yet and I had to use WebCrawler to search out primitive "Sonic" fan sites. Such as the homes of outed predator PsyGuy and future "Sonic" professionals like Tyson Hesse and J. Axer. I even pushed my limited HTML skills to the breaking point and attempted to create my own "Sonic" site on Angelfire, which shamefully still exists and I will definitely not link you to. Whether or not my ill-begotten attempts at fanfics and – shivers – sprite comics still survive, I thankfully can't tell you.

I was growing into a moody, emotionally disaffected, edgy pre-teen by this point. The world was about to get a lot darker, for everybody it seemed, and I was pleased to find other "Sonic" fans undergoing similar transformations. It wasn't hard at all to find comics and fanfics filled with edge-lord jokes and inappropriate darkness around that time. Fan-writers like David Macintyre, Stephen Zacharus, and some goofy goobers named Sean Catlett and Ian Potto became people I admired and looked up to. In a roundabout way, this led me on my own path towards attempting to become a professional writer, which is really a story for another day.

By this point, the nineties were over and we were all living in a strange new millennium. Among the many crazy changes I was grappling with at that time, the "Sonic" franchise underwent its biggest change ever. The launch of the Sega Dreamcast and the release of "Sonic Adventure" made the series popular again, if not as popular as it was during its early nineties heyday. The "modern" era of Sonic – which is now twenty years old – would signal a radical shift in game play and something like a change in attitude for the franchise. The stories became more involved, feeling increasingly like something out of an anime. It brought with it an influx of new fans, with "Sonic Adventure 2" really firing the imaginations of younger hedgehog appreciators. 

This, in my opinion, is when the "Sonic" fandom started to get weird. The internet was becoming more of a widespread thing, exposing the stranger corners of the fandom to a wider audience. The popularity of websites like DeviantArt and LiveJournal gave a voice to a lot of talented people and a lot of other people who probably shouldn't have had their voices amplified. The franchise going in a different direction intensified the petty debates between the opposing corners of the fandom. (Which, owning to the very different interpretations of the character that we're out there, we're already pretty far apart.) This, from my point-of-view, is when the Sonic fandom started to develop a reputation for being terrible.

Eventually, Sega stopped making consoles. Not too long after that, the games stopped being good. The franchise shattering failure of "Sonic '06" led the people who make "Sonic" games in increasingly offbeat directions – like adding guns or swords or making Sonic a werewolf for some reason – in a desperate attempt to keep people interested. This did little to rehabilitate the franchise and did even less for the fandom. Now there was this perception that we were all devotees of a loser, over-the-hill series that was bad now and was maybe always bad. Circa 2009 or so, saying you were a "Sonic" fan was about analogous to saying you were a furry pervert or a racist autist.

Unsurprisingly, this is when I started to distance myself from "Sonic." I was a young adult in college at the time and really had more important shit to do anyway. Yes, I was still reading the comic book and loving that it was actually good again around this time. Yet I stopped playing the games. I didn't watch the cartoons. I hid my merch when I had girlfriends over and only mentioned my long-held fascination to my closest friends. My initial launch of this blog in 2010, which only saw a few updates before I abandoned it, was actually a failed attempt to get back in-touch with my "Sonic" fandom. To figure out why I was so into this thing that was now regarded as a laughingstock. 

Yet the damage had been done. Over the last decade, the "Sonic" franchise had mutated in a lot of ways I don't recognize. I stopped buying video games altogether. "Generations" and "Mania" are really the only entries into the series I've played much since I turned 21. When people mention the "boost formula" or start arguing if Jason Griffith or Roger Craig Smith were better, I really have no idea what they're talking about. This is why I was dismissive of characters like Silver, Blaze, and the Babylon Rogues for so long. They were unwanted additions to a series that had, in my opinion, forgotten itself. 

It felt like a strange time to be a "Sonic" fan. Yet, for a lot of fans, this is the only version of the series they've known. The franchise may have felt like it was flatlining and the fandom sure seemed like it was rotting from the inside out. Still, the "Sonic" community survived and grew. When I do interact with other fans, via this blog and Twitter and Discord, I still feel out-of-place sometimes. I'm an old foggey who has been around since almost the beginning, which means I can't relate with some fans. Yet, these days, I'm largely at peace with the realization that some parts of the vast "Sonic"-verse are for me and some parts of it aren't. Starting to shift this blog less from an investigation into fandom and more of a collection of retrospective reviews helped me understand that. 

On its 30th anniversary, in a weird way, the "Sonic" series feels healthier than it's been a long time. The rehabilitation really started five years ago, during the last anniversary, when “Sonic Mania” became the first game in the series to receive unanimous praise in many, many years. The following big budget game was less well received but the fallout from that seems to be that Sega has learned to actually take time between titles, instead of rushing them out. The corporate entities behind “Sonic” got good at memes. A new comic began, garnering positive attention from people both in and outside the family. A movie that, at first, looked like a catastrophe was turned around at the last minute. The movie rode its status as the last major release before a global pandemic shut theaters down to surprising levels of success. Now, a sequel has finished filming and a new cartoon show is quickly approaching. 

In 2020, “Sonic” is still kind of a laughingstock but he's in on the joke now. The weird-ass legacy of the series is accepted and the blue hedgehog seems to be regarded with warm nostalgia by a lot of people. Though toxic behavior will always exist in any fandom, “Sonic” fans do seem to have chilled out somewhat and aren't the regular punching bags they once were. I guess I would say I'm cautiously optimistic about the franchise's future and am no longer ashamed to be a “Sonic” fan. It's part of who I am and I'm cool with that.

If you read this entire rambling essay, thanks for sticking around. Race onward into your third decade, blue hedgehog, and be proud of all you've accomplished. As for me, I guess I'll continue to chronicle these adventures. I seem to enjoy doing so. 

Archie's “Sonic the Hedgehog” Comics: 1992-2016?

If you're reading this blog, you've certainly heard the news already. Archie has not published a “Sonic the Hedgehog” comic book for six months, since the end of last year. After months of resoliciting titles to comic shops, the company has started quietly canceling pre-orders on the book. There's been no official word on why this is happening. Indeed, officially the Sonic comics – which includes the flagship “Sonic” title, “Sonic Universe,” the “Sonic Megadrive: Overload” one-shot – have only been mysterious delayed. But, for many fans, the writing has been on the wall for quite some time. The comic book, the current subject of the blog you are reading right now, is almost certainly canceled.

Initially, I was reluctant to jump to this grim conclusion. The hullabaloo started this past January, when fans noticed that Archie removed subscriptions for all “Sonic the Hedgehog” books from their online store and had a sale on all the back issues. This struck me as odd but not exactly concerning. The books were still being offered to comic shops. Next, upcoming issues started to be delayed. Fans were freaking out but I remained calm. After all, this was hardly the first time Archie delayed books. There was a lengthy delay in 2015, thanks to the company moving to a new printing facility. But then the delays kept coming, the books being held back for months and months. By that point, it was apparent that something was going on with Archie's “Sonic” series.

Fans really started to freak out when someone called Archie's office, asked about the subscriptions becoming unavailable, and was told the book was probably canceled. Sonic fans being the exceptionally passionate people they are, Archie's call centers were floated with questions about “Sonic's” fate. The initially grim statement about the book's future was immediately rolled back. Archie said that news about “Sonic” would be coming soon, that they were discussing stuff with Sega. As weeks turned into months, this statement remained unchanged and the comics still weren't coming out. Most recently, the writers and artists working on the book – who were just as surprised by this news as the fans were – have started looking for other work, seemingly confirming our worst fears about the comic's future.

By now, it's abundantly evident that no official answer about the book's fate is forthcoming. Some have speculated that Archie is intentionally withholding an answer so they won't have to refund subscriptions to the book. This is likely the same reason their “Megaman” book went on an “extended hiatus,” instead of being outright canceled. This is also, it's become increasingly clear, the kind of greasy tactics Archie is far too fond of employing.

If Archie isn't even willing to tell us whether or not the book is actually canceled, it's clear that we won't be getting an explanation for why this happened in the first place any time soon. This has, naturally, led to lots of baseless speculation from fans. At first, fans were eager to blame Ken Penders and Scott Fulop, the former writers who successfully sued Archie for ownership of the characters they created for the book. Archie faithfuls already hate Penders for necessitating the total continuity reboot that happened in 2013. It seemed reasonable to some, with Archie's mishandling leading to two separate lawsuits, that Sega would resend Archie's license to their characters.

This struck me as unlikely. If Sega was going to cut ties with Archie over this stuff, it probably would've happened in 2013, when Penders sued. Other theories have abounded. We know Archie has had money problems in the past. Some have wondered if launching the TV show “Riverdale” meant the company had to cut coast, leading to “Sonic's” cancellation. Maybe but I suspect that Archie is also making a decent amount of money from “Riverdale,” since they are licensing their characters to the CW and Berlanti Productions. (And the TV show has been successful, at least as far as CW shows go.) The theory that made the most sense to me was that, maybe, Sega wanted to take more control of their flagship property. Following a series of highly visible failures, and with two high profile video games and a possible movie coming soon, perhaps Sega wanted to make sure all their Sonic eggs where in one basket.

Most recently, a new theory has arisen suggesting this clusterfuck is entirely on Archie. A wholly unsubstantiated rumor has some corporate higher-up at Archie claiming the company, in the aftermath of “Riverdale” getting renewed for a second season, wants to focus on their own characters. That “Sonic” isn't really their thing. This is probably bullshit, since it strikes me as a little too neat, and now some Archie-verse comics are also getting delayed.

Truthfully, I imagine a mixture of all of the above is probably responsible for the book ending. Sega wants to tightly control “Sonic's” public image going forward, the lawsuits have made them weary of Archie, Archie is currently putting a lot of time and money into their own characters, and the company's fiances have always been mishandled. It's the perfect storm of bullshit to get a comic book that has run for twenty-four years suddenly canceled.

So that's the facts and the likely bullshit. How do I feel about this news? When cancellation rumors first started circulating, I was shocked. My initial unwillilngness to accept the comic's termination may very well have been an act of deliberate denial. As I've said in the past, I've been reading this comic book since I was six year old. The adventures of Sonic and the Freedom Fighters have accompanied me for nearly my entire life. These characters and their world mean way too much to me. “Sonic” was my fandom ground zero, the first fictional universe I was ever passionate about. That passion wasn't born through the video games but SatAM. And the comic book has kept the spirit of SatAM alive for much longer than the cartoon show ever ran, birthing its own weird, incredibly elaborate mythology. Archie's “Sonic” comic is one of my favorite nerdy past times. I mean, it must be if I've written so many damn words about it.

So, yes, I was bummed out by the idea of the comic book ending. It made me feel weird, almost as if a relative or exceedingly long lived pet had died. However, in many ways, the comic book I loved ended in 2013. And just as abruptly too. The reboot universe, given the unwieldy name of “The Post-Super Genesis Wave” continuity by fan historians, garnered a passionate fan following over its three year existence. There's no doubt that the rebooted continuity was far more consistent than what came before. Yet I found its attempt to latch the comic to the video game's frequently vague lore unsatisfying. Devoting most of the last three years to adapting “Sonic Unleashed,” a game I didn't like very much, was a bad decision. In truth, the rebooted comic was just beginning to win me over, thanks to characters like Jian the Tiger, Relic the Pika, or Shellcrusher's band of merry pirates. So the comic ending now only saddens me so much. Most of the stuff I loved about this book was abandoned quite a while ago.

(Another reason why my sadness over the book ending was measured has to do with how Archie has handled things. We fans have been waiting so long for some sort of official announcement concerning the cancellation that I've had plenty of time to get use to the idea.) 

Even with that being the case, it sucks that “Sonic the Hedgehog” should end this way. If the book had ended because the creative staff decided the series had run its course, that would be understandable. If the book had been canceled because it wasn't selling well, that would be another thing. Instead, the plug was pulled suddenly and without explanation. That's an inglamorous way for the longest running licensed comic book, not to mention the longest running comic to never be relaunched or renumbered, to end. The main series was just shy of three-hundred issues too, while “Sonic Universe” was about to cross one hundred. Granted, the reboot universe did conclude with a  bit more closure than the pre-boot universe. The “Sonic Unleashed” arc was finally wrapped up. The original continuity ended on a fucking cliffhanger.

Some fans have tempered their sadness over Archie's “Sonic” comic ending by hoping another publisher will pick up the license. And it's certainly possible. Assuming this entire ordeal hasn't soured Sega entirely on the American comic market, starting a new “Sonic” comic makes financial sense. The character has a faithful following in that medium. One that has kept the series running for over two decades, in a world where most licensed comics only run a few years. Publishers like IDW, Boom! Studios, and Dynamite Entertainment primarily specialize in licensed properties, so there are avenues to explore.

It's been noted that the entire “Sonic” creative staff, from writer Ian Flynn on down to every artist, is freelance. (Archie pays very few writers and artists a salary because they're cheapskates.) There's nothing stopping them from jumping publishers with “Sonic.” Sega, in fact, has final ownership of every character and concept to appear in the book, at least post-reboot. It's theoretically possible that IDW or Boom! could pick up the comic book right where it left off.

Possible but unlikely. We're talking a long line of successively more far-fetched Maybes here. Maybe another publisher will grab the license. Maybe Flynn and others will follow them. Maybe they'll continue the old book's universe. But let's consider the facts. Archie obviously signed some deal with DiC when the comic started, allowing them use of SatAM and “Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog” concepts. This agreement has apparently lasted in perpetuity. Sega, meanwhile, has discouraged the comic company from utilizing elements from other “Sonic” shows, like “Sonic X,” the OVA, and “Sonic Underground.” Presumably because there are complicated agreements and deals in place. Sega ultimately owns the Freedom Fighters and other Archie stuff but utilizing it for a new company would probably required cutting through a lot of legal red tape.

Would Sega  be willing to do this to promote a comic book that isn't being published anymore? And a cartoon show that's been off the air for twenty years? From where I'm standing, a new “Sonic” comic being published some day strikes me as likely. Ian Flynn writing it even strikes me as plausible, considering his obvious passion for the characters and their universe. But a new series continuing the Archie continuity, or even featuring SatAM elements, seems unlikely to me. And I don't know if I care enough to read a Sonic comic book that doesn't feature Sally and the gang. I mean, I probably would, strictly so I could write about it for this blog. But my heart wouldn't be in it.

Speaking of which, how does the comic book's widely presumed cancellation affect Hedgehogs Can't Swim? Simply put: It doesn't. Other than giving me a clear end point for my comic book reviews. I don't plan on abandoning this blog any time soon. Even after I wrap up my coverage of Archie's “Sonic” series, there's plenty of other hedgehog-related media to keep me occupied for years to come. I hope to keep Hedgehogs Can't Swim going for a while, assuming I don't impregnate some poor woman or get eaten by alligators or something.

And so I bring this rambling eulogy for Archie's “Sonic” comic to an end. The book means a lot to me. There's still a lot of it left for me to re-explore. I have a lot of cherished memory connected with this silly, four-colored world. The series ending suddenly, even with a boatload of reservations, makes me a sad. So let's pour one out for Sonic's longest lasting adventure, one that may be gone but will certainly not be forgotten any time soon.

WHY DO I OWN THIS?: Sonic Christmas Blast (1996)

(What with the holidays coming up this weekend, dear Hedgehogs Can't Swim readers, I'm going a little easy on today's update. Over at my movie review blog, I have a re-occuring feature called "Why Do I Own This?," dedicated to figuring out why I own so many terrible movies. Last December, I reviewed the Sonic Christmas special. I've decided to post that review here, in honor of the upcoming holiday. This review was written for readers not well-versed in "Sonic" lore, so it's a little different then my usual work here. Regular updates will resume on Monday. Merry Christmas and happy Hanukkah.)

Over here at Film Thoughts, my on-going devotion to Sonic the Hedgehog doesn’t come up much. Back in the nineties, there was a brief period when the Sega Genesis and its blue dude with ‘tude actually outpaced Nintendo and Mario in popularity. That period in time was short-lived. Though Sonic’s made some in-roads here of late, thanks to a sort-of well liked cartoon and shake-ups with the comic book, fans of the blue hedgehog are still looked down upon in most corners of the interwebs. But maybe I’m getting ahead of myself. Back in 1996, Sonic was still somewhat popular. Looking to cash in on that popularity, and playing off both of the cartoons that where still relatively fresh in the kids’ minds, a Christmas special was created. Yes, “Sonic Christmas Blast” exists and it’s bad. So why do I own it?

The folks on Sonic’s home world are shaken, especially the kids, when Santa Claus announces to the masses that he’s retiring. As his replacement, he’s nominated Dr. Robotnik. The obese mad scientist wildly abuses his new power as Robotnik Claus. He forces children to give him gifts and punish those who do not. Naturally, this is all a scheme by the villain. The real Santa is imprisoned. When Sonic the Hedgehog gets whiff of his arch-enemy’s latest ploy, he races into action to set things right. Oh, also there’s a magic ring and not the usual kind of magic rings either.

There were two Sonic the Hedgehog cartoons in the nineties, both of which aired simultaneously. The Saturday morning cartoon, simply known as “Sonic the Hedgehog” but referred to by fans as “SatAM,” remains well regarded for its serious writing, grim setting, and ensemble cast. The daily “Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog,” meanwhile, was goofy as shit. “Sonic Christmas Blast” is, naturally, set in the latter’s world. (Sort of. More on that in a minute.) Therefore, the Christmas special is chockablock of low brow, utterly inane slapstick humor. While dressed as Santa Claus, Robotnik’s gut shows. His henchmen, Scratch and Grounder, attempt to crush Sonic. All they do is reveal there’s boss’ plot because they’re idiots. Afterwards, Sonic dresses up as another character to dispose of them. This is just the tip of the moronic iceberg that is “Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog.” Befitting that series’ style, the animation is incredibly loose, lacking in detail and structure.

Weirdly, despite featuring lots of misbegotten humor, “Sonic Christmas Blast” actually isn’t as focused on dumb jokes as you’d expect. The Christmas special, even with only a thirty minute run time, attempts to squeeze in a real plot. Sonic rescues Santa Claus from Robotnik’s Arctic prison. For reasons I can’t remember now, Santa has Sonic perform a series of test in order to determine his worthiness. All of this is blatantly setting up the special’s last act. Santa is safe but there’s still not enough time to save Christmas. “Gee,” the special makes its viewer wonder, “I wish there was a character with super speed near-by!” Yes, using a plot device handed to him by his love interest earlier in the special, Sonic zips around the world, delivering presents and humiliating Robontik. Christmas is saved, you guys. Hoo-ray for Sonic Claus.

About the only reason “Sonic Christmas Blast” is of interest to obsessive-compulsive Sonic nerds like me is because it weirdly blends elements from the different cartoons. Like I said, the special is seemingly set in the world of “Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog,” due to its setting, character designs, and generally ridiculous tone. Yet there are weird remnants from the Saturday morning series. Sonic and Tails refer to a battalion of Robotnik’s robots as “SWATBots,” a concept exclusive to that series. Most importantly, Princess Sally appears in the special. Hilariously, she has no spoken dialogue. When she has an opportunity to talk, Sonic instead buries her in a pile of gifts. She does not factor into the finale. What, Kath Soucie wasn’t available? I’m sure this is reading like Chinese to most of you. To people familiar with Sonic the Hedgehog and its bizarre tangle of continuities, you’ll appreciate how weird and dumb this all is.

Why Do I Own This?: Okay, so “Sonic Christmas Blast” isn’t good. Obviously. I didn’t even have to watch it to tell you that. An animated special whose premise boils down to “Sonic saves Christmas!” was never going to be good. Despite that, there’s a very simple reason why I own this. It’s Sonic, you guys. Truthfully, a Sonic Christmas special is such a bizarre, dumb concept that there was no way I wouldn’t own it. Occasionally, I inflict it on friends at parties which, you know, has made me very popular. Oddities like this, regardless of quality, are one of the reasons I adore this character and his stupid universe. [4/10]

BACK ISSUES: A Hedgehogs Can't Swim Creepypasta

I’m telling you guys this because I know you’ll believe me. As I type these frenzied words, I can hardly believe it myself. Something impossible. Impossibly horrible. This awful revelation has its roots in something I hold dare, the subject of this very blog. I know some won’t believe me but I swear everything that follows is the awful, awful truth.

It started when the news of a comic shop opening in town reached me. Being somebody interested in comics, I immediately tracked the place down. Though it was in an odd part of town I rarely visited, I drove down there anyway. The building was right next to an old pharmacy. The place seemed like a typical comic shop, with rows of new books, trade paperbacks, and various toys and collectables lying about. The store also had a large selection of back issues. As soon as I saw that, I walked to the “S” section and started to look for any rare “Sonic the Hedgehog” comics I might not have.

Flipping through the books, it was a typical collection. Lots of issues from the last ten years, a handful that were slightly older then that. Tucked way back at the end of the wrack was something I couldn’t believe. An issue of Sonic #0, from the original mini-series! The very first “Sonic” comic Archie ever published! With a totally reasonable asking price, I scooped the book up and ran to the clerk. He gave me an odd look, smiling strangely, as I handed a few crumpled up bills. “I hope you enjoy that,” he said, nodding slowly. The man looked somewhat familiar yet I couldn’t place his face. At the time, I didn’t think anything of it.

After returning home, I put the bag down on my desk and went about my day. It wasn’t until the next day, after work, that I was able to really look at the book. Glancing at the cover, I immediately realized something was different. Sonic’s eyes were strangely blank, the pupils missing among the white sclera. As far as I knew, no misprints of this issue ever existed. Which meant I had an especially rare version, perhaps a one of a kind copy. I ran my thumb over the cover, making sure that this wasn’t the work of a pranksters or hoax artist. There was no addition paint or white out. This was a genuine copy.

Thumbing through the issue, I noticed other odd art mistakes. Sonic’s missing pupils weren’t confined to the cover. Every time he appeared in the book, his eyes were wrong. Just white starring voids, without the black dot to denote expression or feeling. This wasn’t the only oddness. Passing the page where he first met Caterkiller, I didn’t notice it at first. It was only after backtracking did I see the error. The robot’s teeth had been miscolored red by mistake, almost as if blood was dripping from his fangs. The speech bubble was screwed up too. Instead of saying his name, he introduced himself to Sonic as “Your Killer.” This was a seriously messed up book. No way it was real, I thought to myself. I was obviously holding a fake copy in my hand, albeit a well made fake. Somebody’s idea of a dumb joke.

I kept reading, too curious to put it down. I was going to see this prank through to the end. Scanning ahead a few pages, I hit the part where Sonic reaches Freedom HQ. The first introduction of Sally and the other Freedom Fighters. Yet there was something wrong on these pages too. The dialogue and expressions were normal. But Sally… Her eyes were entirely red. Like blood. Just huge bloody voids where her eyes would normally be. Almost as if someone had plucked them out of her head. That sight made a chill run up my spine.

It’s just a stupid prank, I thought. A prank somebody had put a lot of time into, digitally manipulating the images, printing them out, bounding the pages. Even keeping the old ads intact and then selling the comic back to a shop. The more I thought about it, the less likely a hoax option seemed. As I continued through that first story, with its goofy ending about crying trees, I notice something else strange. None of the characters were smiling, laughing, or joking around. Each of them looked miserable, as if they were in constant agony.

As the story ended, I expected to see that dumb illustration of Sonic and Sally bemoaning a cut down tree. After all, that’s the next image that appeared in the book. Instead, the story from issue 3 began, of Sonic disguising himself as a robot to sneak into Robotnik’s compound. The thought occurred to me again that this was a rare misprint in my hands. That maybe all the weird faces were simply a bizarre coloring error. Except that didn’t make any sense. Why would a future issue get mixed up with the first one? A closer look revealed something more disturbing. Once again, the word bubbles had been tampered with. Rotor screamed “KILL!” on the second page. The word was hidden all throughout the story, normal vowels switched out with the cry to murder. I didn’t want to read this. I didn’t want to feel these things, to see these awful words shoved into the mouths of my favorite characters.

That second story ended prematurely. It’s as if the book was reading my thoughts, as if something was compelling the pages to change in my hand as I passed my fingers over them. But not for the better. For the second half of issue three had been replaced with yet another story.  The back half of issue 47, the start of “Endgame.” The death of Princess Sally. But what was already a sad story had been made more disturbing. Now, every characters’ eyes ran red with blood. Their tears were even blood, spots of red dotting their faces. Bunnie, Antoine, and Rotor seemed tormented by something even bigger then the death of their friend. Their agony became my own, a terrible feeling rising inside of me as I read through the comic.

Enough was enough. I didn’t know where it came from but I sure as hell didn’t want it in my house anymore. I slammed the comic shut, ran across the room, and threw it in the trashcan. Tomorrow, I was going back to the comic shop. I was going to give the clerk an earful, ask him why the hell he was selling photoshopped comics. I was freaked out by it but I couldn’t imagine what a kid would think, an innocent picking that up, expecting a friendly kid’s comic but seeing this weirdness instead.

I went straight to bed. The whole ordeal had exhausted me. I was tired enough that I went right out. Yet my sleep was haunted by the most horrible images. Terrible spectres emerging from my bedroom wall, starring down at me with clasping bone jaws. A runny, crimson liquid ran from their sockets. Like the blood in the comic. As the dream went on, the faces changed, morphing into the cartoon likenesses of Sonic and his friends. Their faces twisted in pain, in torment. They could not beg for an end to their infinite suffering. Instead, they could only scream out one word, prolonged by the pain. “KILL,” I heard them scream. “KILL!” Sonic and Bunnie and Rotor said again. Kill them, I realized. End the agony that they couldn’t escape from themselves.

When I awoke, my skin was damp with sweat. I tried to rationalize. That the dumb prank had just spooked me. That the dream came from my own mixed up brain and not from some outside force, not from some evil dwelling in that dreadful book. I knew what I had to do. I retrieved the comic from the trash, Sonic’s smirk on the cover seeming to mock me. To relish in the pain it had caused me. I jumped in my car and drove back to the comic shop. At the very least, the shop owner would give me my money back.

And that was when the weirdest thing of all happened. As I drove downtown, I looked all around the road where the shop had been yesterday. I passed the pharmacy over and over again, baffled by the empty lot next to it. Finally, I parked my car and decided to investigate on foot. There was no way the comic shop could’ve been knocked down overnight. There was no debris, no sign that a building had been there yesterday. It was gone, as if it had never been there in the first place. Holding the cursed comic book in my hand, that was when the memory of the day before came rushing back to me. The reason why the man behind the counter had looked so familiar. It was a face I knew, someone I had seen before. For the man that sold me the horrible comic was… was…

HEDGEHOGS CAN'T SWIM UPDATES WILL RESUME ON OCTOBER 3RD!

Listen, everyone has to take a break occasionally. I'm a road trip this weekend, which leaves me with little time for blog updating. Everything will be back to normal on Monday. Until then, go outside and drink a pumpkin spice latte or something. See you soon, faithful readers.

Devious plans...

So what exactly am I going to do with this blog, besides not update it? Hedgehogs Can’t Swim was originally planned as a daily blog, something I’m sure you can see has worked out extremely well.

Despite the fact that I’m a pretty big Sonic nerd and there’s tons of shit to write about concerning the series and it’s fandom, I’m not really sure there’s that much to actually talk about. I don’t want this blog to become just another news site. Instead, I had intended it to be a much more in-depth look into the peculiarities of the fandom at large. Explore the weirdness within your average “Sonic” fan.

But that shit is creepy and I’m lazy. So, there are a couple of things I plan on doing with this here blogspace.

First off, I’ve been collecting Archie Comic’s “Sonic the Hedgehog” series since issue seventeen
and have only missed two issues since then. (#25, because it’s hard to find, and #105, because I wasn’t caring at the time.) What I plan to do is sit down, reread each issue, and post reviews up here. This should be interesting for me for a few reasons. First off, this comic has formed the backbone of my fandom for the better part of seventeen years. I haven’t read many of these comics since I was a young child, so revisiting them should be worthwhile. Finally, it’ll be fun to see how this universe evolved.


Naturally, I also plan on rewatching “SatAM” in its entirety and reviewing each episode that comes along. That should be less interesting, since I rewatched the show when the DVD set came out a few years ago and rediscovered it. However, I do plan on revisiting the Sonic anime OVA, select episodes of “Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog,” and even plan on stopping by “Sonic Underground” and “Sonic X” a few times because I’m a masochist.

Another feature that might show up, assuming I can pull myself away from Happy Wheels and other internet based distraction for five minutes, would be occasional news items and a reoccurring feature about weird fanart I found on DeviantArt. I might, God forbid, actually talk about some of the fan fiction authors I believe need exposure.

But whatever, there you go. Expect to see some of that stuff eventually.

In Memory: Ben Hurst

As I am sure you are all aware, Ben Hurst passed away several weeks ago. Mr. Hurst was the head writer on SatAM, developing much of the universe and its characters that we fans have come to love.

That would have been enough to endear him to the fanbase at large. However, Mr. Hurst was particularly active in the fan community. He could often be found at conventions and in internet chatrooms and message boards. He was always willing to talk to fans and answer their questions. He always seemed patient and thoughtful when talking to fans that can, let’s face it, be pretty overzealous at times.

His proposed plans for season three are well known and well discussed. There has probably been as much discussion about that nonexistent bit of television as there has been about the parts of the show that actually aired. Ben was even a part of a small but vocal part of the fanbase devoted to returning the show to air, for a while.

Ben also did his time on “Sonic Underground,” proving that not everything to come out of his word processor was gold. He also did work on some other classic Saturday morning cartoon shows, like “Tiny Toon Adventures,” “The Real Ghost Busters,” and, somewhat ironically, “The New Archies.”

His legacy is secure, but he’ll be missed anyway.

In the beginning... There was Sonic

“Does the Internet really need another “Sonic the Hedgehog” website?” I ask myself now. Over the course of nearly twenty years, over fifty games, and myriad of multi-media merchandise, crossovers, and spin-offs, the “Sonic the Hedgehog” franchise has inspired a lot of inane internet babble. So, is more necessary? You could fill several very large, spelling error riddled tomes with all the message board chatter concerning the little blue hedgehog. Is the internet really big enough for two twenty something man-children obsessed with Sonic? Isn’t it enough that I all ready have one blog I ignore?

Yes. Yes, it is. While many have gone where I am about to go before, few have done it well. That’s the mission statement here at “Hedgehogs Can’t Swim.” To be nerdy about Sonic in a way that’s at least halfway coherent, occasionally intelligent, and maybe clever or insightful every once in a while. Inspired by William Tsutsui’s “Godzilla on My Mind” and Rob Kelly’s “Aquaman Shrine,” both literate, thoughtful, sincere fan boy homages to two other, perhaps equally maligned pop culture icons, I set out to blaze my own path in the world of nerd brain housekeeping.

But let’s go back to the beginning, shall we?

I am a “Sonic the Hedgehog” nerd. Obviously. I’ve been since I was three years old and, like a cartoon hedgehog racing towards a goal post, I’ve never stopped. Despite what you may have heard, it was never cool and it was certainly never "way past cool." I was there before the internet subcultures adopted the franchise to their own seedy uses. I was there before the games became awful, before the fan base became unpleasable, before video gaming itself became a massive pillar of pop culture. Before all of that, I was a “Sonic the Hedgehog” nerd.

Honestly, my fandom for the furry blue one goes back so far, I don’t even remember how it started. At the risk of sounding melodramatic, I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t a Sonic fan. My first vivid memory of him involves catching the 1993 ABC Saturday Morning Preview the Friday night it premiered.

I remember the kids from “Step By Step” sitting down to watch an episode of SatAM and being glued to my seat. It’s tempting to say my mania for everything Sonic started with SatAM. It certainly intensified my growing fandom, but it wasn’t the beginning. Why would I be so excited for a “Sonic” cartoon unless I was all ready a fan? When I asked my mother about this, about why, when, and how I first became a fan, she simply said, “You just always liked that fast, little blue, cool guy.” That may be true, but it’s not exactly insightful.

It wasn’t the games that hooked me first. I grew up in a part of the country that has been in an economic freefall for the last fifty years. As a child, my mother worked very hard to make sure my sister and I never went without anything we needed. But money was tight, at least in the beginning, and we often went without things we wanted. Video gaming consoles were, and still are, an expensive hobby that we simply couldn’t afford. I didn’t get a Sega Genesis and my first Sonic game until 1996, when that generation of console gaming was well on its way out. Yes, I played the games and experienced the Blast Processing first hand at friend’s houses, but, to tell the truth, I wasn’t, nor have I ever been, particularly good at video games. I fail pretty hard in that department.

So the How and When of my fandom’s genesis (Har.) remains a mystery, lost in the hazy mist of childhood days long since past. But what about the why? Why Sonic? Why not Mario, an even bigger video game icon whose current games are certainly better and arguably always have been? We had a Nintendo Entertainment System and a copy of “Super Mario Bros. 3” long before I ever got my sweaty little hands on a Genesis controller. Why not Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Power Ranges, Spider-Man, comic books, anime, Universal Monster movies, action figures, Ghostbusters, Highlander, Transformers, Star Trek, or any number of other things I enjoy as a child? Why does Sonic get the blog and everything else I’ve loved get left to other people to chronicle and obsess over?

Was it the contempt for authority and ecological subtext that appealed to me? The bright colors, fast graphics, and intentionally simple character designs? Did I enjoy being a part of a quickly growing, now sprawling, fictional universe? Was it just me getting swept up in the kid friendly zeitgeist of the moment? Probably all of those things. But why am I still a fan? Why do I still play the games, read the comics, and spend way more time then any adult male should ever spend thinking about these things? Am I just being nostalgic for simpler childhood days? Does my lack of legitimate life experiences force me to go over again and again the pop culture debris I’ve consumed over the course of twenty-two years? Am I just a really massive Aspie nerd who relates to a cartoon animal way more then he does to other people?

Yes, yes, and probably, a little bit, yes. However I got here, I’m here to stay, at least for a while.

My name is Zack, this is “Hedgehogs Can’t Swim,” and I’m here to talk about goddamn Sonic the Hedgehog.