Scientifically Accurate: Sonic the Hedgehog

Scientifically Accurate: Sonic the Hedgehog

Original Air Date: July 28th, 2014

Cartoon Network's Adult Swim programming block has been around for so long now that it's hard to remember what a risky idea it must have seemed like at the time. Adult centric comedy cartoons airing late at night on cable was a well-established idea by then, with "South Park" being the obvious progenitor, but few channels had successfully copied it. Meanwhile, Cartoon Network's sole foray into older skewing animation was "Space Ghost: Coast to Coast," a deliberately cheap and surreal program that charmed many viewers exactly because it gave such a clear feeling of stoned dudes fucking around. Adult Swim was built on equally cheap and far more surreal shows from the same creative team. Somehow, it not only worked but became a massive success, changing the direction for Cartoon Network as a corporate entity and influencing a lot of other companies to try similar things. Absurdist riffs on forty year old Hanna Barbera shows and Dadaist programs about slacker fast food items with limited animation paved the way for critically acclaimed programs like "The Venture Bros.," Tim Heidecker's anti-comedy empire, and the monstrously popular "Rick and Morty."

And to think, that success was mostly built on the back of reruns of "Family Guy" and "Futurama." That a rival channel has managed to create a cable ratings juggernaut with repeats of their shows must have stung Fox Network execs badly. "The Simpsons" has been premiering new episodes on Sunday nights as long as I can remember. Over the years, Fox has tried to use the iconic sitcom as the anchor for a whole block of funny, edgy cartoons for grown-ups called Animation Domination. It's mostly been made up of "The Simpsons," Seth MacFarlane's various creations, and "Bob's Burgers" for years with a bunch of other shows nobody cares about filling the remaining slots. In 2013, no doubt spurned on by Adult Swim's success, Fox would expand Animation Domination into a late night Saturday block filled with even edgier, weirder cartoons. It was dubbed Animation Domination HD, often abbreviated to ADHD with a snicker, back when that condition was more associated with hyperactive children and not a debilitating mental illness ruining the lives of everyone on the internet, present company included. ADHD debuted with much hype, promoting itself as an equally cutting edge but less cynical alternative to Adult Swim. The block was spearheaded by former William Streets creators, this declaration striking me as a somewhat bitter potshot at their previous employers. ADHD wouldn't only be a TV block either but had a big budget YouTube channel too, that also received a prominent advertising push.

Like most of the desperate shit Fox has tried over the years, Animation Domination HD was a commercial failure. While an adaptation of meme-tastic web comic "Axe Cop" received some minor acclaim, the rest of ADHD's programming landed with a wet thud. A year later, Fox had already given up on the Saturday night block and shuffled any lingering shows off to obscure sister network FXX. All of the ADHD shows would go in the dumper with the dozens of other failed Fox originals. The YouTube channel, however, would be a little more successful. Made up of little shorts and music videos that aired as interstitials on Saturday nights, ADHD would limp on as a modestly successful YouTube brand until 2016, outliving the TV block by almost three years. The biggest hit on the channel was a reoccurring series called "Scientifically Accurate," in which the theme songs of old cartoon shows and the like would be rewritten to include verified biological facts about the animals or subject matters of these shows. In other words: The "Scientifically Accurate" shorts were parodies of old theme songs that any Gen-Xer or Millennial would recognize, that included a lot of gross-out humor and crude factoids about animal genitalia. The most popular installment spoofed "DuckTales" and focused on the horrifying sex lives and organ shapes of Scrooge McDuck's real life counterparts.

Being a well known piece of "Hey, remember that thing?!" nineties kids nostalgia, it was probably only a matter of time before ADHD mocked the "Sonic the Hedgehog" franchise. In 2014, Sega was only just beginning to redefine their star series after years of notorious flops, so the blue hedgehog was still an easy target. The inevitable "Scientifically Accurate: Sonic the Hedgehog" short released in July of 2014. Though set to the melody of the "SatAM" theme song, the video mostly parodies the classic video games. It contrasts the cutesy aesthetic of the "Sonic" series with semi-realistic takes on the characters and – as you might have guessed, from the juvenile comedy approach of the entire series – a prominent focus on poop and gore. It includes an entire verse about anointing, mentions filial cannibalism, and concludes by describing the echidna's unique four-headed penis.

One can definitely argue about the value of gross-out humor such as this. The entire joke of the "Scientifically Accurate" series is contrasting the cute, innocent, defanged visuals and melodies of retro cartoons with the grotesque realities of science and biology. No, a hedgehog and a fox would not be friends in real life. A fox would eat a hedgehog. Yes, real animals get sick, die, poop, sometimes do weird stuff with that poop, have unusual mating habits or equipment, and occasionally freak the fuck out and eat their own babies for seemingly no reason. Pointing out that the natural world is freaky as shit when compared to the Disney-ified version of wildlife we all grew up with is, I guess, as valid a joke as any. The "Scientifically Accurate" series – and, indeed, most of ADHD's YouTube offerings – relief upon the humor of saying something crude, gross, or weird to get an easy laugh out of people. Some have suggested that a fixation on this style of comedy might be one of the main things that keeps American "adult" animation from reaching the same creative heights as cartoons from other countries. When combined with eighties and nineties nostalgia, another thing the internet is obsessed with, you can clearly see how these animated shorts were designed to go viral. Especially in the slightly edgier version of the internet that existed fourteen years ago.

In theory, I actually have no problem with pee-pee poo-poo jokes, a liberal use of fucking swearing, or a fixation on bizarre sexual practices. I mean, have you read this blog? It's kind of one of the main things I do. At the same time, simply throwing a pile of dookie on-screen or drawing a big boner on Raphael is not a fool-proof technique to make me laugh. There's a reason they say comedy is all in timing. A well orchestrated, perfectly paced deployment of gosh darn profanity or some eyebrow wiggling naughtiness is different than merely screaming the word "Penis!" to the heavens. "Scientifically Accurate Sonic the Hedgehog" obviously falls more on the latter side of things than the former. However, I'll admit, this cartoon does make me reliably chuckle. The cartoon depiction of Sonic as both a semi-realistic hedgehog that is still blue and runs fast is a decent gag. Watching him then pop out perfectly shaped little curls of feces while running along a colorful half-pike or making a ungry look at his own offspring is mildly amusing. Similarly, showing a quasi-realistic Knuckles fail to do the things we associate with Knuckles is a decent gag. It's not high-brow humor or anything, obviously. By the standards of a three minute internet gag video, I feel I get the appropriate amount of frivolity out of it.

The fact that such a ribald approach is being taken to the "Sonic the Hedgehog" cast certainly has some novelty. I'm not used to seeing this particular series being referenced by relatively mainstream comedy writers such as these. When that does happen, it's usually a very surface-level reading of the series. "Scientifically Accurate Sonic" has some of that, in terms of pulling most of its imagery from the original Genesis games. However, there are signs here that this was made by people with a slightly deeper knowledge of the franchise. First off, that the novelty is taken from the "SatAM" theme is a big indicator. You don't see that cartoon referenced much outside of pre-existing niches of the fandom, this animation going so far as to spoof specific moments from the "SatAM" intro. Such as Sonic speeding through a tunnel of trees at the very beginning or the title being accompanied by a swirl of spotlights. (In this case, originating out of Knuckles' freakishly four-headed dick hole. Again, because that's the kind of cartoon this is.)

Moreover, there's a verse here that talks about how "Sonic's got a lot of pals." In a quick montage, we see Scientifically Accurate-ified versions of Blaze, Rouge, Cream and... Flying Frog! Now, I have no doubt about the process that led to this extremely obscure character exclusive to the Archie "Sonic" comics popping up in this cartoon. The next line talks about how "foxes eat hedgehogs," a joke the writers of this cartoon with the premise of displaying real facts about the animals from the "Sonic" series obviously had to make. They needed a rhyme that fit and probably simply Googled "Sonic the Hedgehog frog character" in order to find such an example. That certainly strikes me as far more likely than the people behind this thing being passionate fans of a regularly overlooked comic book. If that was the case, the "Scientifically Accurate" writers would know that Flying Frog is not a pal of Sonic's but rather an enemy. Not an especially prominent enemy either but one with a smattering of appearances across the comic's twenty year history that had actually been written out of continuity by the time this cartoon debuted on YouTube.

Nevertheless, a D-lister as D-list-y as Flying Frog showing up alongside well known members of the "Sonic" supporting cast, made by people totally outside of the fandom and official Sega-approved channels, makes this stupid joke cartoon highly notable to me. I recalled when it debuted, watching it and being so stunned at what I saw that I had to backtrack and rewatch that moment a few times to be sure of it. This is as close as we've gotten to, like, Julie-Su showing up on "Robot Chicken" or something. I definitely recall seeing comments under the video baffled as to who the hell this frog guy is, clearly made by inferior plebeians on a less deeply autistic level of nerdom than me. This is the only time I know of when an Archie "Sonic" exclusive character has appeared in some other media, meaning this is the sole time some other person has nodded at this dumb thing I've been obsessed with my whole life. Emotions like this is why I liked "I Saw the TV Glow" so much while also being a cis man.

Is this, in fact, the entire reason I felt the need to write so many words about a gross, perhaps mildly offensive, cartoon mocking the "Sonic" franchise that I doubt many other people have thought about in the last decade and a half, connected to an obscure flop of a programming block that probably made less of an impact on the wider culture than the average rerun of "King of the Hill" that aired the same night? Uhhhh... I don't wanna talk about it. Anyway, I'm sure there are other parodies of "Sonic" from sketch comedy shows of the same notability as this particular one. I probably won't write about any of those, unless they randomly include a reference to Sleuth Doggy Dawg or someone like that. As for "Scientifically Accurate: Sonic the Hedgehog," I think about it at least once a month and also it's mildly funny. [7/10]

Wonderman Music Video

Wonderman Music Video 

Original Release Date: March 7th, 1994

When I first started Hedgehogs Can't Swim oh so many years ago, my high-minded aspirations and primary goal were to create a deep exploration of fandom, to figure out why so many people were so obsessed with a little blue hedgehog that ran fast. My secondary goal was to simply gawk at the weirdest fucking corners of this franchise. Maybe that's the reason why "Sonic" fascinates so many. Once you start digging down this rabbit hole, you never stop uncovering bizarre new treasures. Early on, I wanted to start a monthly feature entitled "Weird Sonic Things." The idea was to take a deep dive into the most random-ass content the blue hedgehog has found himself in. Topics ranged from Russian game shows to cameos in Arnold Schwarzenegger movies and strangely prevalent Christian themed fan art. I will hopefully still write about some of these topics eventually but the day-to-day work of writing regular updates has been hard enough for me to maintain that side-projects simply have never materialized. 

However, my latest quest to watch and write my way through miscellaneous visual "Sonic" media has finally brought me to something I've been wanting to talk about for years. One of the first topics I chose when assembling my list of Weird Sonic Things I wanted to talk about. Readers, I implore you... Do you know who Right Said Fred is?

If you are around the same age as me, the answer is almost unquestionably yes. Those born in that sweet spot to be old enough to pay attention to pop culture in the early nineties but not old enough to have real things to worry about will know this English vaguely-electronic pop trio was inescapable for a short while around 1991 and 1992. Not because they were a culture defining talent that had a string of iconic hit songs before their flame was snuffed out early from burning so brightly. No, Right Said Fred scored a stupid novelty hit that essentially became the Harlem Shake of the early nineties. "I'm Too Sexy," an obnoxiously self-aware ode to the preening narcissism of gym culture, was basically an internet meme before internet memes existed. In the pre-online days, dumb gags like this had much longer shelf lives which means the culture at large had plenty of chances to run the joke into the ground. It was referenced everywhere. Overwhelming ubiquity like that would drain the humor and appeal out of anything, no matter the quality. "I'm Too Sexy" does have an insanely catchy melody. Fred Fairbass' monotone vocals do have a weirdly hypnotic quality to them, further supported by the repetitive chant-like structure of the chorus. You could also make the case that Right Said Fred were pioneers, being openly queer performers during a less open time, making a monster hit out of a campy celebration of LGBT+ culture. 

On the other hand, the joke of "Teehee, some guys are really into themselves, yaknowhatImean?" is clever only so many times. The song itself is droning and repetitive, which was only intensified by how inescapable it was for so long. A lot of people also didn't get the joke, taking the song at face value and assuming it was an unironic ode to these bald, buff guys' egos. I suppose the point I'm making is, in isolation, "I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred is a perfectly cromulent dumb pop song, worth a chuckle or two. As a widespread Song of the Summer super hit, however, the joke very quickly wore out its welcome. I was four in 1992 and I recall being bored of hearing this thing. 

Why am I talking about this? What does any of this dumbass shit have to do with Sonic the Hedgehog? Well, my friends, come closer and listen intently because now the fun truly starts. Here in the U.S., we had the good sense to dismiss Right Said Fred after one chart-topping hit. "I'm Too Sexy" had a powerful sway on people's imagination but the American public still recognized it as a stupid one-off joke, having no interest in learning any more about these muscly lads from London. In this country, Right Said Fred are the one hit wonder-iest of one hit wonders, never allowed anywhere near the Hot 100 after their sole fluke pop culture phenomena. In their home country, however, the record buying populace put up with these goofballs for a few more songs. "I'm Too Sexy" isn't even technically their biggest hit in the U.K., that honor belonging to whatever the hell this is. But, yes, there was indeed a valid attempt down England's way to make what amounted to a joke band into regular hitmakers. And what better way to extend the life span of one inexplicable pop culture fad then by tying it onto another weird thing that was, briefly, extremely popular around the same time? 

In England, the marketing for Sega's Mega-Drive leaned harder on edgy, juvenile posturing than the Genesis' ads did over here. Such as in the infamous masturbation themed Game Gear ads. While Sonic himself never cracked any jokes about playin' wit y'ur todger, the U.K. version of the hedgehog did carry that distinctly English brand of stiff-upper-lip attitude and campy humor. In the United States, associating a kid-brand like "Sonic" – designed to appeal to the playground version of coolness as much as possible – with the smirking, self-aware humor of the "I'm Too Sexy" guys would have been unthinkable. Sonic doesn't wear a shirt because he's too sexy for it. Sonic doesn't know what sex is! By 1994, when "Sonic the Hedgehog 3" was coming out, Right Said Fred would have been perceived by the hip youths as totally washed-up, clinically uncool has-beens anyway. We were all about the alternative nation and the gangsta rap by that point, baby! But in the U.K., a mash-up of these two nineties relics that had absolutely nothing to do with each other made, perhaps, a little more sense. At least to some galaxy-brained marketing execs. 

Which, finally, brings me to today's topic. If you haven't heard it before, prepare yourselves. May I introduce you to "Wonderman?" No, not everyone's eleventh favorite Avenger. I'm talking about the 1994 hot single from Right Said Fred, off their second album "Sex and Travel," that was chosen to be a promotional single for the U.K. release of "Sonic the Hedgehog 3." Wikipedia goes so far as to describe it as "a song about Sonic the Hedgehog." Really?! Let's investigate further...

First off, no, Wikipedia is lying to you. "Wonderman" is not about Sonic. At least, not the original version. This utterly forgotten dance ditty actually exists in at least two variations. The "Sex and Travel" version is not dissimilar to Right Said Fred's biggest hit. Instead of being an ironic ode to one's own sexiness, written from the perspective of a self-absorbed gym rat, "Wonderman" has the singer looking outward at somehow who actually lives up to such rhapsodizing praise. The titular entity is described as having "deltoids for days," a perfect tan and being at least six feet tall. Despite being "the naked treat in magazines," this Wonderman isn't only a slice of primo beefcake. He has striking eyes, a movie star smile. Moreover, his values match his perfect appearance. He's got new age beliefs, understands that sharing is caring, protects the Earth and opens his heart to black, white, and uh "yellow" humans. In other words, "Wonderman" is a song describing a perfect man, a Nietzschean ubermensch that is both a sculpted specimen and an upstanding individual ready to help the world. 

It's hard to say if Fairbass is describing this wonder man from a point of lust or aspiration, whether he wants to become him or come in him. Either way, these lyrics clearly do not describe our favorite little blue guy. Sonic does love the Earth but his deltoids are not exactly noteworthy. His tan is not appreciated. He's not six feet tall. (Though neither is Tom Cruise, also name-dropped in these lyrics.) I guess he technically is naked but I don't think Electronic Gaming Monthly was the magazine this song is talking about... I have no doubt that many a person feels Sega's mascot as insanely desirable. However, I doubt that was on the minds of Sega of England's marketing execs. Finding myself writing about another extremely obscure corner of pop culture, there are no sources anywhere for why this song was chosen to promote "Sonic 3." We can only speculate on how this came to be. 

If you listen to the album mix of the song, you can almost see the link. The jazzy trumpets that open the song, especially the cute swaying melody they do, do sound like something you'd hear on the Sega Genesis. While the Vogue-able dance beats are not all that Genesis-like, there is an occasional synth wiggle that sounds suitable. The single line about being "a friend of the Earth" certainly aligns with the early "Sonic" media's environmental subtext. However, one suspects that the song was simply chosen to associate the blast processing of the Mega-Drive's newest blockbuster with a source of wonderment and astonishment. Sonic's entire thing, at the time, was being cooler than cool. Perhaps this speedy little rodent could be your Wonderman, Right Said Fred? That's how I imagine it went away. 

As cheeky as the U.K. marketing for Sega products could get, someone obviously realized these lyrics were a little inappropriate for this chosen subject. Credit to the Fairbass bros, their engineers, producers, and everyone else, they completely reworked the song. The beat is a little faster. The jazzy trumpets are gone, replaced with ramping synth sparkles and edgier dance grooves. One assumes this was done to invoke Sonic's speed. Springy sproing noises are inserted throughout, clearly an attempt to bring the pinball-like action of the game to mind. The result makes the song sound more like a gay club dance track though, especially once a falsetto scatting that seems right out of a drag show is introduced in the back half. (Naturally, there is a five minute long version ideal for dance floor revelry, if anyone ever wanted to snort poppers while thinking about Sonic the Hedgehog...)

Most notably, however, is how the lyrics were totally reworked. I don't know if the Freds were simply told to incorporate some marketing buzz words into the new song or if they were genuinely enthusiastic about the subject. Either way, the single version of "Wonderman" rather obviously is about Sonic. The titular subject is "having a blast," as in blast processing. He's "hoggin' the limelight," har har. The lyrics specifically reference Sonic's power sneakers and spin attack, while referring to a sonic boom, attitude, hipness, the color blue, Speedy Gonzalez, and being state of the art. The singers clearly understood the assignment as it were, though comparing Sonic to "an itch you'll scratch again and again" and "Fay Wray's King Kong" – not Jessica Lang or Linda Miller's King Kong, we're talking the original here – I guess what I'm saying is that the song does, indeed, sell the shit out of this hedgehog... Despite the hook being more-or-less unchanged. You'd think, at some point in production, someone would've pointed out that Sonic isn't a Wonderman. He's a hedgehog! But I guess that didn't flow as well. I do like the refrain of comparing our hero to lightning and thunder that is added to the chorus.

As a song, I would rate either version of "Wonderman" as a passable pop ditty. The single mix is bouncier, I think, while the novelty of its topic certainly makes it more interesting than the album cut. The first time I heard "Wonderman," it didn't strike me as an especially inspired song. However, in the years since, the chorus has repeatedly worked its way into my brain at unexpected intervals. The repetition of the title and the showgirl glee the singers repeat it with certainly compel one to say the title to the melody of the song where you think about it. It is catchy, in other words, showing that Right Said Fred actually did have a talent for creating ear worms. Or at least two of them.

But you don't really care about the song, do you? No, no, if it's 1994, you understand as well as the next person that no track is going to become a hit without a music video. After all, it's my dedication to reviewing Sonic-related animation that I used as an excuse to ramble on about this fuckin' thing for two thousand words. Yes, Right Said Fred didn't merely record a song about Sonic the Hedgehog. They made a music video about him too! Let's take this masterpiece in together, shall we? 

Let's deconstruct what we've watched, shall we? Music videos are not beholden to storylines but the best ones at least have a premise of some sort. The "Wonderman" clip seems to frame itself as an interview show of some sort. Right Said Fred, playing the role of conceited and self-absorbed rock stars, are being interviewed when Steven O'Donnell – then the face of Sega of Europe's television commercials – insist it's time to interview a real big star. No, not the bald guys. The blue hedgehog! The rest of the video is set in an industrial water filtration plant, a sign informing us that this is supposedly Hydrocity Zone. The interviewer and his crew muck about, trying to catching up with Sonic while Right Said Fred prance about in fedoras and pinstripe suits, I guess coincidentally making a music video in the exact same location that night. There's other stuff, like the band's heads appearing in a blank void, a big cartoon skull flashing on screen, and plenty of random pyrotechnics. It's a nineties music video, don't think too hard about it. 

Hopefully I didn't disappoint anyone previously unfamiliar with this three minutes and forty seconds of campy joy by giving the impression that we would actually see Sonic the Hedgehog and the "I'm Too Sexy" guys jamming together. The hedgehog does appear in the video but it's via sped-up footage from the game and, yes, a blue streak speeding by. There are multiple point-of-view shots in the video from something zooming around the factory, a red graphical interface overtop the footage. It would seem this is meant to be from Sonic's perspective, making me wonder if director Paul Boyd thought he was a robot or something. Either way, our azure avenger is there. I suppose this was a somewhat clever solution around the obvious fact that a music video in 1995 didn't have the budget to portray flesh and blood humans interacting with a cartoon character. Zeroing in on how Sonic is often shot through winding chutes and tunnels, resulting in lots of footage of interconnecting pipes, was certainly an idea. Right Said Fred clearly didn't have a Michael Jackson budget here, so I'd say they made good use of the resources afforded to them. 

Funny enough, the video itself seems to acknowledge that the band singing this song was old-hat by 1994. The Fairbass brothers play themselves as clueless, drugged out rock wannabes with no substance at all. The video ends with O'Donnell burying a TV playing the interview in an open grave, referring to it as "very, very boring" right as the bald boys quote their most famous single. I don't know if this was an example of the band itself realizing their fifteen minutes were up and clowning around a bit. Or if the idea is simply to suggest that Sonic is much cooler, much more innovative, and far more interesting than the band we are watching being promoted. Though that's kind of funny too, since the "Sonic" franchise would hit the first of its many slumps not too many years after this. The saying is true: One day you're on top and, the next, you're loosing out to fucking Bug as the mascot for the Sega Saturn. 

I don't foresee Right Said Fred having a successful comeback and being the subject of a trilogy of blockbuster movies anytime soon though. "Wonderman" was not exactly a hit. It peaked at number 55 on the U.K. charts. The only other country it charted in was Belgium, where it at least got to number 50. Despite the mediocre chart performance, "Wonderman" was apparently successful enough to be included in the 27th edition of the Now That's What I Call Music compilation series. It appeared alongside such luminaries as Doop, Cappella, and Urban Cookie Collective. Yes, the Doop! Actually, "Wonderman" has the distinction of being one of the lowest charting songs to appear on a Now collection. Which is better than no distinction at all! It also shows up in the 1994 Disney movie, "Blank Check." I haven't seen that in probably thirty years but I think I'd remember if Sonic had a cameo too... 

Needless to say, singing about Sonic the Hedgehog did not raise the band's failing fortunes. The group has continued to put out songs in the years since, releasing seven albums after "Sex and Travel." They've yet to score another hit though, unless you count getting sampled by Taylor Swift and Drake. Most recently, the Fairbass boys have netted some further notoriety by participating in anti-masking and anti-lockdown protests during the COVID-19 pandemic. They are one of the faces of Not Our Future, an organization that Wikipedia describes as an "anti-climate change" activist group but whose website seems more interested in raging against the World Health Organization, "identity politics," and something they call "the Blob." What is it about being briefly successful pop singers in the nineties that turn people into weirdos in the modern day? 

Despite whatever questionable politics the band may promote now, "Wonderman" remains a bop. Having listen to the song and watched the video about a dozen times in the process of writing this, I can now proudly say that it's the second most Right Said Fred song I can name off the top of my head. Did I need to devote so many words to this topic? Haha, you fool, I don't need to do anything! Anyway, thanks for reading this stupid bullshit. I'll only write about other Sonic-adjacent music videos in the future if they are as funny as this one.

The Fight for the FoxBox

The Fight for the FoxBox

Original Air Date: August 31st, 2003

You probably thought I was done talking about the English dub of "Sonic X" but I have more bit of programming to discuss here. I spent a lot time recently criticizing 4Kids Entertainment, the New York City-based licensing company that brought "Sonic X" to the U.S. But in the early 2000s, 4Kids – which got its start in the eighties as a toy licensing company and would co-create "Thundercats" – was massively successful. They helped make "Pokemon" a global merchandising juggernaut. In 2001, 4Kids obtained the TV and toy rights to "Yu-Gi-Oh," which proved to be another massive hit. Say what you will about 4Kids' treatment of "Sonic X" but the company's reach and power at the time helped make the show an international success.

In 2001, News Corp would sell its Fox Kids Worldwide division to the Walt Disney Company. This would mean the end of the long-running Fox Kids programming block, which left a huge gap in Fox networks' Saturday morning time slots all over. Flush with cash, 4Kids Entertainment would sign a deal to fill that gap. They would create the Fox Box, a new Saturday morning programming block that 4Kids had complete control of. The Fox Box would begin broadcasting in August of 2002, with "Sonic X" as one of its flagship shows. 

But the story of the Fox Box is really the story of the decline of Saturday morning cartoons in America. Saturday mornings used to be when all the hottest cartoons, that were extended advertisements for all the hottest toys, would air. The rise of cable would threaten Saturday mornings' dominance of the kid market though. Why should kids wait around until Saturday to watch their favorite shows, when they can flick over to Cartoon Network and Nickelodeon and be entertained any day of the week? This, combined with other factors, meant a lot less money was flowing towards broadcast TV. This meant increasingly smaller budgets for their kids divisions to spend on programming. This is why groundbreaking shows like “Batman: The Animated Series” and “DuckTales” would, as the nineties ended and the new millennium began, be increasingly replaced with shows purchased from overseas. After all, it had worked for “Pokemon” and “Digimon,” so why shouldn't that work for everyone else?

And this is why, in my eyes anyway, the Fox Box – the name of which would eventually be changed to 4KidsTV, which sounds less like a seventies softcore porno – would proved to be a fairly lackluster endeavor. Almost all of its programming were toyetic shows designed to chase fads or copy other popular programs, produced in Japan or Europe, that 4Kids had simply dubbed and recut for American audiences. Of the Fox Box's launch programs, the only ones that weren't dubbed were a new iteration of “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,” a franchise in its third decade by this point, and an animated spin-off of “Stargate,” a sci-fi universe that was too nerdy even for a giga-nerd like me. 

Almost everything the Fox Box aired in its first few years was an attempt to ride the coattails of some other successful show. 4Kids licensed video game based anime like “Kirby: Right Back at Ya!” and “Sonic X” because “Pokemon” was a huge hit. They aired an “Ultraman” show because it would appeal to kids who liked “Power Rangers.” “Ultimate Muscle” was picked up because it vaguely looked like “Dragon Ball Z.” “Shaman King” and “Fighting Foodons” were clearly in the mold of “Yu-Gi-Oh!” Imitation was 4Kids' guiding principal and would continue to be all throughout the Fox Box's existence. So even if the 2003 version of “Ninja Turtles” is regarded as one of the best, and “Sonic X” is a fairly beloved show, there wasn't a lot of other reasons to stick around. Unless you really wanted to watch a butchered version of “One Piece,” an Italian rip-off of “Sailor Moon,” and yet more shows based on video games.

So why am I talking about any of this? In August of 2003, 4Kids would put together a 32-minute special designed to promote their slate of shows for that season. “The Fight for the Fox Box” would apparently air in prime time in a lot of markets. It was also distributed as a promotional DVD through magazines and newspapers, in an attempt to draw more eyeballs to the Saturday morning programming block. The special would combine footage from “Ninja Turtles,” “Ultimate Muscle,” “Shaman King,” “Kirby,” and “Sonic X” with more perplexing programs. So, yes: Sonic, Kirby, and the Ninja Turtles once co-starred with a bunch of other characters nobody gives a shit about in a half-hour, prime time special. 

The word “co-starred” comes with a pretty big caveat though. “The Fight for the Fox Box” cooks up a wildly incoherent plot to roughly combine these eight different cartoon shows. A mysterious voice summons Eggman, the Shredder, King Dedede, and the villains from “Cubix” and “Ultimate Muscle.” All these characters are seemingly aware of their status as TV show characters that air on something called the Fox Box. The omniscient voice has the programming code for the Fox Box and distributes it in parts among the villains. If the bad guys can keep this number from getting out, they will retain control of the programming block. The heroes from each respective universe rally to defeat the baddies and grab the parts of the code. The viewer is then encouraged to type the code into a special website to further ensure the safety of the Fox Box, though how exactly that works with the rest of the special's plot is never made entirely clear.

On one hand, I almost have to admire whatever poor bastard had to assemble “The Fight for the Fox Box.” 4Kids easily could have just presented promotional clips for their shows side-by-side, to tease kids with what was coming and remind them of what happened last season. Instead, what I can only imagined was some extremely beleaguered editors, writers, and voice actors were tasked with combining eight unrelated shows into some sort of narrative whole, all while fulfilling the purpose of advertising the line-up. That certainly couldn't have been an easy task and I assume the team probably had little time or resources to accomplish this. 

As much sympathy as I may have for the corporate drones stuck making it, the fact of the matter is “The Fight for the Fox Box” is almost unwatchable. This must be among the most inanely plotted programs I've ever seen. Very little attempt is made to explain what advantage this program code gives the villains. Even more vague is how viewers entering different pieces of the code into the website will “Save the Fox Box.” The show can't even keep its details straight, as one scene says April O'Neil made the website while a later one says Donatello created it. Of course, I realize I'm the dumb one for trying to analyze the plot of a half-hour collection of clips meant to promote a programming block. But trying to follow the plot here is often exhausting. I looked away from the screen at one point, looked back and saw Kirby fighting a giant robot mole, and was completely lost as to why this was happening. 

The novelty of “The Fight for the Fox Box” is seeing these different franchises interact with each other... But they barely do that. I knew, going in, that this special was largely composed of archive footage from these different cartoons, hastily cut together to create the illusion of a crossover. I wasn't prepared for how half-assed that crossover is though. Generally speaking, each cartoon is isolated to their own universes. The Ninja Turtles talk about stuff going on in other shows but they never interact with them. Sonic and Kirby do not share screen time. Amy Rose and April O'Neil do not compare fashion tips. The only characters to actually meet in this special are the stars of “Funky Cops” and a supporting character from “Ultimate Muscle.” Otherwise, it's just clips from the various shows sandwiched together, with awkward new dialogue dubbed in and separated by graphics that say “Meanwhile, in [this other show's setting.]” 

And the sole, actual crossover in this special really highlights how dire the Fox Box's offerings were. What the fuck – or, rather, what the funk – was “Funky Cops?” It's apparently a French cartoon that ran for 39 episodes in its native country in 2002. It seems to be an exaggerated parody of “Starsky and Hutch,” as it follows a pair of 1970s San Francisco cops driving around the city in a muscle car while wearing bell bottoms and disco dancing. One has sideburns and the other has a large afro. I don't know why a series based in seventies pop culture would be targeted at children in 2002. I'm an adult actually familiar with seventies pop culture and I didn't find any of the gags on-display here very inspired. I can't imagine what a child must've thought. The character designs are ugly, the animation is uglier, and there's some hideous CGI inserted at times. 4Kids' attempt to bring this over must not have been very successful, as this is the first – and probably the last – time I have ever heard of this cartoon. 

Not that the anime offerings were much more inspired. “Ultimate Muscle” was a revival of/sequel to “Kinnikuman,” a classic shonen fighting anime from the eighties that was also a parody of pro-wrestling. Here in America, that series is most famous for the toy line it spawned: “M.U.S.C.L.E” (which supposedly stood for “Millions of Unusual Small Creatures Lurking Everywhere”), which were little rubbery figurines of the show's bizarre characters. The original “Kinnikuman” never got broadcast over here so I don't know how close “Ultimate Muscle” was to the original's tone. But 4Kids' dub really doubled-down on the bathroom humor. Here, we see Kid Muscle, the strangely shaped hero, fly via high-powered farts. He also grapples with a character with a literal butt-head, who also fights via farts, and a villain who is also a giant toilet. (The main villain in this segment is a guy shaped like a remote/cellphone who talks with a Peter Lorre accent, so “M.U.S.C.L.E.” was all about making random objects into weird bad guys.) There's repeated references to diapers and pants-wetting. It's, uh, not very good. There's a certain grotesque creativity on-display in the character designs but, in the context of a scatological cartoon, they only make the thing more unappealing. 

Yet somehow neither of these programs are the ugliest, most desperate components of “The Fight for the Fox Box.” Among the team of villains is Dr. K, the bad guy from “Cubix: Robots for Everyone.” “Cubix” was an all-CGI Korean cartoon that 4Kids had previously licensed to the W.B. Network. There, the show aired in its entirety in 2001 without drawing much attention. But I guess someone at 4Kids really thought this one could be a hit, because they dug it back up for the Fox Box. I don't know why they thought that. The CGI animation is stiff and awkward. The character designs are exceedingly ugly. The environments are simplistic and the colors are drab. The voice acting is grating. The toyetic robots aren't very interesting looking. The title character, and the boy hero's main robot buddy, resembles a set of multi-colored dice stacked atop each other. It's somehow the most depressing cartoon of all the ones high-lighted here. 

But what about the “Sonic” content, ostensibly the reason I'm reviewing this godforsaken thing in the first place? Don't get too excited. “The Fight for the Fox Box” crams in most of the opening scene from the very first episode of “Sonic X.” New dialogue, awkwardly referencing this thing's dumb-ass plot, is inserted. If you really want to see Sonic referencing a defunct children's programming block from the early 2000s, give this a watch. Otherwise, it's not all that exciting. The “Ninja Turtles” segment similarly extensively recycles scenes from that cartoon that obviously have nothing to do with this storyline, despite the half-assed attempt to convince us otherwise. But at least both of these shows had decent animation, saving us from the ugliness of the rest of “The Fight for the Fox Box.”

Ultimately, there's just no getting around the fact that “The Fight for the Fox Box” is a work of promotion, not narrative. This becomes apparent early on when the Ninja Turtles have a lengthy conversation about the Fox Box and its new show, “Shaman King.” The heroes then sit down and watch a ten minute long promo for the anime, meaning this extended advertisement contains within it an in-universe advertisement for itself. (“Shaman King” looks like shit, by the way, with its hideous character designs and obnoxious voice-acting.) The “Kirby” scenes also have a long scene where King Dedede talks about the premise of his own cartoon, using a lot of advertisement-worthy buzzwords to describe what happens. Despite attempting to have a plot, “The Fight for the Fox Box” frequently pauses for extended promos like this. We get ones for “Ninja Turtles” and “Sonic X” too, along with the opening theme song for “Funky Cops.” It's pretty annoying when you're watching something that's pretending to have a plot, only for it to instead try and sell you something instead. 

This utterly asinine special then ends with a twist ending that's nothing but an advertisement for another Fox Box show. This one being “The Cramp Twins,” another very ugly looking French cartoon that 4Kids tried to turn into a ratings success. That so many of these shows were forgotten failures is unsurprising, as watching clips from them put me into a full-body cringe that took hours to walk off. Watching characters from good cartoons try and sell you bad cartoons is not, it turns out, a very rewarding experience. “The Fight for the Fox Box” is just a piece-of-shit promo quickly thrown together, a disposable nothing of a program that was designed to be quickly forgotten. Yet that purely mercenary purpose, when combined with the increasingly dire programs being promoted, results in one of the most unpleasant things I've watched for this blog. “The Fight for the Fox Box” is painful. I can't believe I wrote 2433 words about it. If you want to experience this thing yourself, it's on the Internet Archive. [3/10]

The 4Kids Stars Sing the National Anthem

This will mean nothing to readers outside the United States but, for my fellow Americans, you obviously know that today is July 4th. Otherwise known as Independence Day, the annual anniversary of America declaring its freedom from the British Empire. Of course, I'm not exactly a proud American. There's countless reasons to be ashamed of the things this country has done in pursuit of its manifest destiny. American history is awash in blood, imperialism, racism, and slavery. Moreover, the story of American independence we're all taught as kids is mostly bullshit. To quote someone wiser than me, the truth is a bunch of slave-owning, aristocratic, white males didn't want to pay their taxes. It's a myth created to instill a fervent nationalism in every U.S. child's heart, to make us uncritical of every evil thing our government does. To tie our personal identities to our national identities, so that we interpret any criticism of the state as insults against ourselves. This centuries-long campaign of patriotic propaganda has been incredibly successful and many grown-ass adults who really should know better still tear up with pride on this day. 

And it doesn't help that Fourth of July is one of the dumbest holidays. In my state, where fireworks laws are lax, pretty much the entire month is inundated with explosive noise. Every night, and even frequently during the day, the sky fills up with bright colors – which are pretty, sure – but also a ceaseless cacophony that scares my dog and gives veterans everywhere PTSD flashbacks. But there is, buried somewhere deep within me, a nostalgic longing for the July 4ths of my childhood. When the day meant trying to write my name with sparklers, watching colorful lights plume into the night sky, and eating hot dogs and potato salad at backyard cookouts. 

What does any of this have to do with Sonic the Hedgehog? Nothing at all! However, this national day of American exceptionalism does give me an excuse to talk about one of the stranger relics of "Sonic X" history. In 2006, 4Kids Entertainment was still going strong. The Fox Box had mutated into 4Kids TV but the company's various shows and anime dubs still dominated many children's Saturday mornings. And "Sonic X" remained a part of the brand, even if the show ended its initial run that year. In fact, if Wikipedia is to be believed, it seems "Sonic X" disappeared from the 4Kids TV schedule from June of 2006 into May of 2007. Nevertheless, 4Kids obviously still considered "Sonic X" a trademark program of the weekend morning block. That July, the blue hedgehog and Knuckles would be included in an... unusual promo. 

Yes, I am talking about the infamous "The Stars of 4Kids Sing the National Anthem" video. There's not much information out there about this notorious minute and 33 seconds long spot, or even when it first aired. Fourth of July fell on a Tuesday in 2006 so I'm guessing this played the weekend before. (If not the weekends before, considering the way Saturday morning cartoon blocks replay and recycle promos.) Until someone writes the definitive oral history about this thing, we can only speculate on how it came to be. Whatever the reason, someone at 4Kids thought it would be funny or cute or maybe even patriotic to have a bunch of their cartoon characters – or, more accurately, the English dub voice actors for the characters the company licensed – sing The Star-Spangled Banner as a way to commemorate the annual celebration of American independence. If you've never seen this particular production, I recommend you do so now. 

Let me just run through this thing, because you really have to: The commercial begins with a CGI stock image of the old red, white, and blue, an announcer preparing us for this, and a succession of characters presented in shining stars. A selection of cast members from “Sonic X,” “Winx Club,” the 2003 “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,” 4Kids' forgotten localization of “Tokyo Mew Mew” and their widely loathed dub of “One Piece” proceed to sing their way through the Star Spangled Banner. A different character handles every other line or so, before the group comes together for the conclusion. The 4Kids announcer returns at the end to confirm that this was all done to celebrate the 4th of July. 

The real question “The Stars of 4Kids Sing the National Anthem” makes me ask is: Why was this done? One assumes that the intention behind this particular advertisement was humor. That the contrast between the solemnness of “The Star Spangled Banner” and the goofy cartoon characters singing it was meant to generate chuckles. The most obvious joke occurs when Master Splinter belts out a line with a rather operatic voice. This might also explains why several of these characters, most notably Luffy and some other weird guy from “One Piece,” screech through their lines in an ear-splitting fashion not dissimilar to Rosanne Barr's notorious rendition of the anthem. Michaelangelo's singing voice is also not easily appreciated. 

Of course, goofing on the American anthem is the kind of thing liable to offend certain sensibilities. (See, once again, Roseanne's performance.) “The Star Spangled Banner” is, after all, a song bound up in all sorts of feelings of patriotism, the meaning of the American flag and institutions, war victories, and those who have died achieving said victories. Those are all pretty touchy subjects to stomp all over in a goofy cartoon advertisement. So maybe this promo is entirely sincere. Maybe the fact that “The Star Spangled Banner” is notoriously hard to sing can be blamed for the obnoxious vocals heard here. 

There's something else I can't help but notice: Almost none of these cartoon characters are American. “One Piece” is a Japanese show. “Winx Club” is an Italian show. Even in the truncated 4Kids version, “Tokyo Mew Mew” still has a Japanese city in its title. “Sonic X” is at least set in America, though it's still a Japanese show starring Japanese-created characters. Only the “Ninja Turtles” are actually American characters from an American city. And even then, I'm pretty sure Splinter is a Japanese immigrant. I'm doubtful that was a deliberately ironic choice, that these obviously non-American characters would be singing the American National Anthem. But it still adds to the weirdness of this entire thing. 

For whatever it's worth, the “Sonic X” cast members don't exactly embarrass themselves. Jason Griffin's vocals are nasally but not eardrum destroying. The guy voicing Knuckles actually has an okay baritone. Like everything 4Kids did, this is also hastily thrown together and half-assed. The final shot, of everyone assembled before the flag, has Knuckles cut off at the waist. Despite that, this still manages to be almost as jarring a contribution to “Sonic” history as “The Fight for the Fox Box.” (Review of that coming soon.) Did 4Kids do any other weird, embarrassing shit with the “Sonic X” characters when they had the rights for the show? 

Baffling, tasteless, and very dumb, it's unsurprising that this less-than-two-minute long promo has become a minor classic of internet comedy. I'm not exactly sure how I managed to write 1368 words about it, but that should show you how stunning this particular video is. I watched it about six times while writing this blog entry and I'm afraid I was starting to kind of like it by the end. As for all my fellow Americans, I hope you enjoy some fireworks, a patriotically colored novelty hat, or at least got holiday pay today. To any “Sonic” fans reading this from other parts of the globe, I apologize for all the terrible shit my country has done today. 

TEN THINGS WE WANT TO SEE IN THE KNUCKLES SHOW!

As I’m sure you’ve all heard by now, Paramount Studios has announced that, in addition to continuing the “Sonic the Hedgehog” film series, they also plan on doing a “Knuckles the Echidna” show for their Paramount+ streaming service. This, of course, is a hugely exciting announcement for everyone here at Hedgehogs Can’t Swim. Knuckles has probably been my second favorite “Sonic” for many years. Not only will everyone’s favorite grumpy echidna be sexily voiced by Idris Elba, there will now be an entire season of television devoted to his adventures.

If you’re reading this blog, you know what a convoluted spiderweb the “Sonic” multi-media franchise is. That means there are many different sources this streaming series will be able to pull. So it’s time for some baseless nerd speculation. Here’s my top ten things I hope to see in the Paramount+ “Knuckles” show!

10. Rouge the Bat!

From her debut in 2001, Rouge the Bat was designed as a foil for Knuckles. Her obsession with jewels puts her at odds with the Master Emerald protecting echidna. Moreover, her flirtatious manner and tendency to do her own things puts her at odds with the naïve, honor-bound Knuckles. She’s the Catwoman to his Batman and the two have played off each other nicely in the games, comics, and cartoon shows. It only makes sense that Rouge will be a part of a “Knuckles” show, for all of these reasons and more. I can’t wait to see the seductive she-bat strutting her stuff in CGI.

9. More Tom!

When it was first announced that Sonic would have a live action buddy in the first movie, taking screen time away from our beloved Blue Blur and focusing precious minutes on some fucking rando, I was skeptical. Luckily, as soon as the thundering kettle pot of charisma that is James Marsden was cast, I put all concerns aside. Tom Wachowski immediately became a beloved member of the “Sonic” supporting cast. And while we don’t know the exact direction this “Knuckles” show is taking just yet, it would be a blunder of titanic proportions to continue to set stories in the Live Action Sonic Universe and not devote at least a fifty episode arc to everyone’s favorite small town law enforcement officer.

8. Locke!

If you’re a longtime reader of this blog, you know that the Archie “Sonic” comics are, by far, my favorite iteration of the entire franchise. In the comics, Knuckles soon developed a convoluted backstory of his own, rich with supporting characters and an entire network of family members. Obviously, this material would be great for an on-going show to pull from. Once Paramount cuts Ken Penders a check and agree to his assuredly reasonable stipulations, it means the most beloved and important of Knuckles’ supporting characters can appear: Locke, his dad! Oh, I can’t wait to see Knuckles be guided from the shadows by a wise and powerful father figure who respects his boundaries and wants the best for him! Let’s get, like, Patrick Stewart or someone like that to voice him. That shit would be so cash.

7. Chomps!

If you’re a slightly less longtime reader of this blog, you know that Knuckles’ first appearance in a non-video game, non-comic book was the animated series “Sonic Underground.” “Underground” made many changes and additions to known “Sonic” lore, all of which was brilliant and totally fit in with the established characters. Among the most enjoyable of these additions was the totally-not-coke-induced choice to give Knuckles a pet dinosaur named Chomps. Come on, who doesn’t love dinosaurs? Are you going to look me in the eyes and say you genuinely believe that this series wouldn’t be improve by giving Knuckles a dinosaur friend to follow him around? Because if you are, I’m going to spit in your face and call you a goddamn liar. 

6. Knuckles joins Starfleet!

Alright, I know this is getting a little conceptual, but hear me out. Paramount making the “Sonic” films such a prominent part of their IP library makes it clear that they value this series. The other biggest franchise Paramount has is, of course, beloved and influential science fiction series “Star Trek.” Now, in the film universe, Sonic and Knuckles are explicitly from other planets. They have been referred to as aliens. Is it too much of a stretch to have space alien Knuckles the Echidna encounter a Starfleet away team across his adventures among the stars? Is it really outrageous to think that the structure of Starfleet life and the goal of exploring the galaxy would give meaning and foundation to Knuckles’ wandering life? Would it be insane to think about him having a baby with Tasha Yar? Hell, Ken Penders used to write “Star Trek” comics too, so let’s invite him along and really make a truly logical and out-of-this-world crossover! 

5. TIME TRAVEL, BABY!

Of course, I know what you’re thinking: “Integrating Knuckles with the “Star Trek” universe — and having him wear a cool, high-neck uniform — makes all the sense in the world… Except the “Sonic” movie universe is ostensibly set in the modern day, but “Star Trek” takes place in the 23rd century!” Well, there’s an easy solution to this problem! Implement everyone’s favorite “Star Trek” plot device: Time travel! Whose to say that the warp rings that the “Sonic” movie characters use to traverse space don’t also travel through time? I mean, where in the movies does it directly contradict that statement? You don’t know, they might do that! And once we cross the boundaries of time travel, the canvas of adventures Knuckles can have become truly limitless! Maybe him and a hot Gorn female can go back in time and fight in the Roman Colosseum, sail with Columbus across the ocean and colonize the Americas, punch Hitler in the face, and debate ethics with Andrew Jackson. Shit, maybe they go back to dinosaur times and that’s how Chomps gets into the show??? It’s all coming full circle, baby!

4. Knuckles runs for President!

We don’t want the “Knuckles” series to just be bursting with creative ideas, I want it to be socially relevant too. And what better way for this series to address the woes of American society than have Knuckles run for political office! Obviously, after retiring from Starfleet, he returns to Green Hills and finds it local politicians to be hopelessly corrupt. Riding a wave of populist policy and forward-thinking strategies to root out corruption and protect and reward hard-working Americans, Knuckles’ political career takes off like a rocket. He ascends through local offices, into congress, and is soon after the White House itself! Obviously, Knuckles will struggle with having to balance his personal beliefs and the realities of the two-party system in America. It all comes crashing down when everyone realizes Knuckles wasn’t even born on this planet and isn’t an American citizen, making him unable to hold the highest office in the land. But what a ride it’ll be. What a ride.

3. Knuckles goes to high school!

And after a teenage echidna goes on a whirlwind race through the American political system, what do you do for an encore? Why, go back to school, of course! Knuckles is canonically sixteen years old, which would put him right in the middle of American high school. Can you imagine the hijinks that would ensue! Knuckles having to balance his life as guardian of the Master Emerald with doing homework! What if one of the many enemies he’s made were to attack while he had a really big test to do? Maybe he forgets his lunch back on the Floating Island and has to race back to get it before the principal finds out! And all of that is excluding Knuckles dealing with the deadliest danger of all: Dating! It’ll be fun for the whole family! 

2. The Chaotix

I mean, duh. Of course these guys have to show up eventually. I mean, the game was called “KNUCKLES’ Chaotix, after all! It’s just naturally that these goofballs will appear sooner rather than later. 

1. Knuckles gives me, personally, a hug

Finally, this last idea is completely non-negotiable. I demand that, at some point within the “Knuckles” streaming series, he breaks the fourth wall, looks directly into the camera, and says that he’s proud of me. This will proceed a scene where Knuckles lands on my door steps, walks up to me, and gives me a big hug. Not one of those quick over-the-shoulder things. I’m talking a full-on hug here, with both arms, that lasts a minimum of at least two minutes. Idris will whispers in my ear that it’s okay, everything will be alright now. Maybe I cry a little. I don’t think this is unreasonable. People love it when tough guys show their sensitive side, it’ll be huge! I won’t tell you where the bodies are buried until you agree to do this.