Sonic & Friends

Sonic & Friends

Original Release Date: August 7th, 2023

My quest to watch and review as many pieces of animated "Sonic the Hedgehog" media has led me to some unexpected places: Blurry rips from the Sega Saturn, the forgettable corners of YouTube, and into hardcore weebery. Today, this ridiculous journey has me crossing over into another area I never expected to go. My friends, what is your opinion on TikTok? It was recently a matter of congressional debate here in America, because we live in the stupidest century. What started as an app for teenagers to upload them doing dumb dances has turned into another inescapable aspect of our society. I feel like me, as a 36 year old man, shouldn't have an opinion on TikTok. I should barely know what it is. However, breaking information up into quickly edited, tiny chunks of video has made a definite impact on the world. I wager it's probably been a negative impact, wrecking people's attention spans, spreading falsehoods far and wide, and surely becoming a cesspool of machine-generated slop. This is probably my status as a cranky old man, naturally suspicious and fearful of new technology, talking here. However, the impression remains that TikTok has probably made us all stupider.

Not me, of course, because I don't use it. Except to look at stuff my girlfriend sends me, I do my best not to interact with the app. Nevertheless, my logical brain must conclude that TikTok, like any platform, is neutral in and of itself. The super-short video is a medium that can used for artistic expression. I've watched those Vine compilations. Some of those are pretty funny or even clever. I'm sure there are people somewhere in the depths of TikTok who use it for artistic expression, who aren't merely trying to gather social media clout or make money by promoting stuff. Living in the time we do, any new platform is immediately going to be invaded by corporations. All of this is to say that TikTok has become yet another avenue for businesses to promote themselves, sell their product, or even upload content made exclusively for the platform. There are now "TikTok series," programs written, directed, and created with the intent of being shown on the app. What a time to be alive, I guess. 

Now I finally arrive at my point. Part of why I think "Sonic the Hedgehog," as a franchise, has been able to survive – perhaps even flourish – in the new decade is because its characters and themes are universal. I don't like it when Sonic and the gang are reduced to stereotypical concepts. Sonic should be more than only the fast and mischievous hero, Knuckles should be more than merely the dumb friend. However, such simplicity is mutable and allows these characters to work in any number of settings. This has made it easy to adapt "Sonic" to new medias and platforms. Twitter and YouTube have both been good to the blue hedgehog, so why not TikTok? And so, in August of 2023, Sega would put their heads together and conceive of a new series of super-short cartoons for the format called "Sonic & Friends." As of this writing, 53 of these computer-generated animations have been uploaded, on a semi-weekly schedule. Each short is only a few seconds long and features super-cute chibi versions of Sonic and the gang – that could easily be made into huggable plushies! – simply doing adorable little antics. From glancing at the sentence long synopses on the wiki, it seems like almost all of the episodes are devoted simply to these cutified versions of Sonic and his pals dancing. 

In other words, "Sonic & Friends" is not this franchise's several decades late answer to "Muppet Babies." It is not the equivalent to those weird videos where Pink Girl Godzilla teaches kids how to count and be friends. Those programs, juvenile as they may be, have dialogue, plots, and consistent character traits. They tell a story or, at least, teach its audience something. It is an expression of something within the hearts of the people behind them. "Sonic & Friends" can, more directly, be called the "Sonic" version of "Cocomelon." It is pre-verbal entertainment, bright colors and repetitive noises flashing on-screen to hypnotize hyper toddlers into a stunned stupor, so that their parents can get a moment of peace. It is, to be kind, "content" more than it is art. It is, more accurately, bullshit for iPad babies, the definition of the churned out and meritless product that the internet has increasingly taken to calling, not incorrectly, "slop."

Truthfully, animation such as this presents a real challenge to the reviewer. When I said most of the episodes are devoted to Sonic and friends dancing, I'm not exaggerating. Lots of “Sonic & Friends” are devoted to these super-adorable takes on these familiar characters moving their hands, heads, and legs in rhythm to obnoxious peppy Japanese pop songs. Most of the songs strike me as nothing but high-pitched and annoying, sometimes seeming to lack lyrics and instead be composed more of... Sounds. Like kissy noises or chicken clucks. To make these clips more likely to fry the brain pans of a six-month old, brightly color shapes and symbols often scatter around the characters as they shimmy and shake. Several of the “Sonic & Friends” clips have the heroes dancing in detailess voids of bright colors, existing literally only as motion and sound to distract the most easily amused of audiences. The only songs I recognized out of those featured is “All I Want for Christmas is You” – but not the Mariah version – and “Baby Shark,” which is also exactly the kind of beige YouTube glop for infants I've been describing. 

While most of “Sonic & Friends” can be described as nothing much at all, occasionally a narrative of some sort does emerge. In-between all the dancing and bopping, there have been at least three identifiable plots. The first had Sonic, Tails, and Amy heading to an island and camping overnight in a tent, before attempting to use a giant blender to make a fruit smoothie. The second involved Amy enjoying a swing before Eggman showed up and shrank everyone with a shrink ray, leading to the heroes avoiding getting eaten by a lizard. They eventually track Eggman down and reverse their condition. The most recent plot seems to involve Shadow zipping around and eating everyone's fruit. Sonic gets blamed for it by Amy but declares his innocence before going in search of the real culprit. Then Knuckles punches a tree until a giant purple snake falls out and chases him. I am quivering in suspense to see how that will be resolved, let me tell you. 

Clearly, the point I'm making here is, the few times “Sonic & Friends” does bother to have some sort of story, it's still an extremely simplistic endeavor. You could slot any cast of cartoon characters into these roles and things wouldn't change much at all. I want to say that this is Sonic and the gang reduced down to their most basic components. I'm not sure if that's technically true either. I guess Sonic is fast, Tails builds stuff, Eggman is a bad guy, Amy is girly and swings a hammer. I suppose we see Knuckles being strong and dumb a few times? I suppose some admiration can be expressed for the modeling and animation, which is perfectly acceptable. I'll admit, these character designs are cute, I guess. They aren't as demonic as your average Funko Pop. I do think it represents the “Sonic” style, already very cute and marketable, being pressed down into its most baby-ified and generic form. But I've seen worst, I guess is my point.

By the way, “Sonic & Friends” seems to be produced almost entirely by Sega of Japan. That means this is what the corporation that directly owns Sonic wants the franchise to be. I've argued before that Sega sees Sonic and friends as nothing but empty mascots that can be used to advertise whatever product they seek to sell. That the designs here are directly based on toys that already exists really tells you everything you need to know about “Sonic & Friends.” It's targeted at the youngest possible audience. Perhaps out of the belief that, if Sega can hook 'em early, they'll have fans for life. Or maybe, considering Sonic's general lack of popularity in Japan, maybe pitching the franchise at the most undiscerning of audiences – literal babies – is the only way they know to sell it. Will I watch more of “Sonic & Friends?” Maybe. I'm pretty bored, I'll watch all sorts of shit. Will I write about more of “Sonic & Friends?” Not unless that storyline with the big purple snake gets really exciting... [4/10]

SOME THOUGHTS ON THE SONIC THE HEDGEHOG 3 TRAILER...

The first "Sonic the Hedgehog" movie ended with a hopeful teaser for a sequel. There is another universe, I imagine, were Paramount didn't listen to the fan outrage that followed the disasterous first trailer. The movie subsequently flopped and Tails' mid-credits cameo became nothing but another overly optimistic sequel hook for a would-be franchise that died after one failed installment. In the immediate aftermath of "Harry Potter," "Lord of the Rings," and the Marvel Cinematic Universe becoming cultural phenomenon, we saw so many examples of this. 

That's not what happened. Instead, Paramount cracked the whips on the poor CGI animators and special effects team, Sonic got redesigned at the last minute, and the first movie became a hit. This created a precedent. "Sonic the Hedgehog" was an actual film series now. Which meant, when "Sonic the Hedgehog 2" ended by revealing Shadow the Hedgehog existed in this cinematic iteration of this world, it was expected to actually pay off in a future film. 

That time is nearly upon us. After many months of fans endlessly badgering the production company for any sort of peek at the new sequel, the first full trailer for "Sonic the Hedgehog 3" has been unleashed upon the world. We now have our first look at what Sonic's third cinematic adventure might entail, what Keanu Reeves as Shadow sounds like, and what weird alterations Jeff Fowler's third hedgehog fest will make to the source material. 

I naturally have some thoughts on this matter. Before any images came out, I was already deeply skeptical of "Sonic the Hedgehog 3." Even if I liked the first two movies well enough, Paramount's entire endeavor plays fast and loose with all the things I actually care about in this series. I know why Fowler and his team chose to introduce Shadow the Hedgehog in the third movie. He's probably the second or third most popular character in the franchise. From a financial point of view, bringing Shadow in early makes all the sense in the world. From a storytelling perspective though? By the time Shadow debuted in the games, "Sonic" had already built up an elaborate and deeply inconsistent lore. Sonic had an established supporting cast, world, rules, and various relics floating around him. The movies have been extremely choosy about what elements from established material they've incorporated. Paramount's live action "Sonic" series remains a bizarre hybrid of stuff fans are actually interested in and stuff studio executives insist all modern kid movies should include. The point I'm making here: A "Sonic" universe that introduces Shadow before Angel Island? Before a rainbow of different colored Chaos Emeralds? Before Amy Rose and the Chaotix and Metal Sonic and Cucky? What kind of "Sonic" universe is that?! 

I guess we're going to find out soon enough. The trailer for "Sonic the Hedgehog 3" is now out, ahead of its December release date. It makes a few things clear: The plot of the third film will involve Shadow going on some sort of villainous rampage, forcing G.U.N. to actively recruit Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles to fight him. When the good guys still find themselves overwhelmed, Sonic goes a step further and makes an alliance with Robotnik. In this continuity, Gerald Robotnik is still alive and also being played by Jim Carrey. We only get a glimpse of Shadow's back story, though it seems heavily suggested that the death of Maria will still be the formative experience in the so-called Ultimate Life Form's backstory. 

Being the Negative Nancy, the Debbie Downer, I naturally am, let me start by pointing out the things I hate about the trailer. I know Sonic has worked directly with G.U.N. and other government organizations in the games, comics, and cartoons. I still dislike the idea of these guys being superheroes the not-so-secret government agency calls on to do stuff for them. Ya know, ever since they made Sonic's adoptive dad in this series a fucking cop, it's been hard to miss the creepy authoritarian undercurrents of the series. Sonic is free like the wind, baby. He's not a cop, a narc, a fed, a bootlicker, or a corporate stooge. I will not be unmoved on this point. 

Applying my political belly-aching to a movie for babies aside, the set-up the trailer hints out also gives me a clear vision of where this story will likely go. Assuming G.U.N. is still responsible for the death of Maria, what will heroic Sonic and friends' reaction to discovering that information will be? They'll probably be upset! They'll probably turn against the organization they've been hired by, teaming up with Shadow instead. As happens any time a good guy and a bad guy team up, Robotnik forming a truce with Sonic will precede a predictable and obvious betrayal. What form this double-cross will take, I can only guess. Some have already speculated that the shot in the trailer of Robotnik grabbing a quill from Sonic might foreshadow him building Metal Sonic. But some fans will always expect Metal Sonic to show up any minute. Regardless, the movie is going to end with Sonic and Shadow putting aside their differences to fight a greater enemy, the superpowered hedgehog learning a little lesson about friendship along the way. 

I'm sure all the backstory surrounding Shadow will be very different. I'll be surprised if the ARK appears in the film. Since Gerald is apparently alive, we already know things will be quite different. I don't actually give a shit about Shadow's lore. That has always been the least interesting part of him as a character. The probable outline I laid out above coming to pass, leading to a predictable and dull motion picture, is something I'm much more concerned about. 

Alright, so that's my main gripe with the trailer. What do I like about it? First and foremost, the action looks sweet. The second movie represented a serious step-up from the first in terms of its set pieces and combat sequences. Paramount clearly gave Fowler and everyone way more money to play with. Clearly, things will get bigger and better in part three. Shadow's superpowers are already leading to more elaborate action sequences. Fowler's background is in animation and, in the best moments of the "Sonic" movies, you feel that. Hopefully that will be even more evident in this installment. 

When it was announced that Keanu Reeves was going to voice Shadow the Hedgehog, I wasn't sure how to feel. My natural inclination is always to be slightly annoyed when a big celebrity is picked to voice a famous cartoon character over a veteran voice actor instead. Idris Elba as Knuckles has done okay and he got better over the course of his whole show. Reeves at least has a little experience voicing cartoons. It was still an odd suggestion to me. Reeves is a fine performer that I enjoy immensely. His physicality and screen presence have a lot more to do with that than his voice. The idea of Keanu voicing Shadow didn't strike me as the slam dunk to me that so many other fans seemed to think it was. 

Now, I've actually gotten to hear Reeves as Shadow, has my opinion changed any? The first line he delivers when he saunters up to the good guys, I wasn't too sure about. His delivery sounded flat. Which is, you young'uns might not know, something Keanu was often criticized for early in his career! However, as the trailer progresses, Reeves sounds better to me. If nothing else, it doesn't sound like he's going for laughs. Ben Schwartz' Sonic is always cracking jokes and Elba's Knuckles is an oblivious straight man. Reeves' Shadow, meanwhile, seems to be dead fucking serious. It's good to know the superstar didn't take on this voiceover gig in a kid's movie as an assignment he could half-ass it on. He's putting his whole ass into this iconic character. 

As for the rest of the trailer... The reveal that Gerald is alive caught many off-guard. However, the first half of the trailer has Tom Wachowski repeatedly point out to Sonic that he has a family now. A voiceover from Olive Garden Guy points out that Shadow doesn't have that family. Clearly, this "Fast & Furious"-ian concept will be the main theme in the sequel. Robotnik forming a bond with his long-lost grandfather makes more sense in that context. Will Shadow learn the true value of family over the course of this adventure? My magic 8-Ball says "Likely."

Many individuals in the "Sonic" fandom have already overturned and dug into the various images briefly seen in the trailer. This has lead to the typical amount of idle speculation. Many are already pointing out, with annoyance, that his live action "Sonic" trilogy is turning into a sausage-fest. Some have gone so far as to wonder if Amy Rose or Rouge might actually be in the movie, a big surprise being kept for us from now. The Metal Sonic theory above is something much along the same lines. Not to mention people in mascot-like Chao costumes always appeared briefly in the trailer. 

Personally, I think Amy or any other Sega characters cropping up in the movie is a long-shot. I expect the Chao cameo to be nothing more than an in-joke. People have always been seizing on a shot of Tom Wachowski laying on the floor, screaming. Some are wondering if Donut Lord is going to get killed off. Would I love it if the film finally cut out the unimportant human protagonist it's been saddled with? Yeah. Do I find it likely? Probably not, even if James Marden getting written out in some way does seem likely. 

Lastly, there's the factor of Jim Carrey coming back as Robotnik. After the second film, Carrey announced his retirement. Clearly, that didn't stick. Carrey's hyperactive take on Sonic's archenemy amuses me, even if I don't think it has much to do with the character as he usually exists. The actor's presence certainly added a lot of energy to the last two films, so I'm happy to have him back. The gut he's grown in isolation is another belated attempt to bring the movie version of Robotnik more in line with his rotund video game counterpart. Sure. Whatever. I'm glad the fan girls will have more bait for toxic yaoi fanfics about Robotnik and Agent Stone though. 

The special effects look nice. The action seems decent. Shadow does the "Akira" slide. I'm not made of stone. All that stuff is neat. However, I feel an increasing distance from Paramount's "Sonic" films, this sense that these movies and shows will never become the version of "Sonic the Hedgehog" I want them to be. I'm definitely going to see it. I'll probably give it an overly positive review that I then look back on a few months later and I think overdid it. Maybe the movie will really surprise me. Hope springs eternal. Ultimately, I suppose the short version of my response to the "Sonic 3" trailer is that... It's decent. Looks fun. Didn't blow my socks off. Didn't make me shit my pants in rage. Looks about what I expected, truth be told. Sorry to disappoint or underwhelm anyone expecting me to either explode in praise or rage on this one. 

KNUCKLES: Introduction

Back in February, cyberpunkian mega-corp ViacomCBS put out a Superbowl commercial for Paramount+, their streaming service that they would very much like you to subscribe to. Please, they spent a lot of money on it. The bizarre ad featured multiple high-profile characters and performers from the suite of Paramount properties interacting with each other. And there, alongside Master Chief, Hey Arnold, some presumably famous football players, Peppa Pig, and Patrick Stewart in his Wacky Old Man persona, was Knuckles the Echidna. This was a surreal experience for me. Not just because the commercial was deliberately weird, contrasting acts of violence against a cartoon character alongside a male tramp stamp and Creed, for some reason. Mostly, I found the presence of Knuckles in a spot designed for the Super Bowl – the last culturally ubiquitous television event we have in America – mind-blowing. You're telling me a "Sonic the Hedgehog" character, not even Sonic himself but one of the other ones, got to hang out with Drew Barrymore and be seen by 123.7 million people? The guy whose big solo game launched on the 32X? Julie-Su's boyfriend? That Knuckles the Echidna?! If you had gone back to the nineties and told ten-year-old me that Red Sonic would occupy a place of cultural prominence that high at any point in the future, I flat-out wouldn't have believed you.

And yet... After being the thing I was obsessed with as a child that no other kid cared about, after years of being nothing but a punchline among hacky internet funnymen, the "Sonic the Hedgehog" franchise has become widely accepted as a pop culture icon. It's something that even your grandparents that fall asleep watching "NCIS" may be at least vaguely aware of. Much to my amazement, after it seemed like they were ready to throw the first movie away, Paramount is actually aware of how versatile a franchise "Sonic" is, how insanely dedicated its fans are. They see potential in "Sonic" to become their next huge franchise. (This surely has nothing to do with the studio not really having any other sure shot hits right now.)

And, in this day and age, that means a streaming spin-off show. It was true for Marvel, for DC, for Lord of the Rings, for Godzilla. (Another lifelong obsession I can't believe is as big as it is now.) Now it's true for "Sonic." About the only thing the current "Sonic" Cinematic Universe and Archie Comics in the nineties have in common is understanding that Knuckles is the most sensible of Sonic's friends to build a spin-off around. Thus, Paramount dropped a shit ton of money on special effects, signed Idris Elba to a million year contract, and blanketed television and pro-wrestling rings with ads. For "Knuckles." Am I reading this right? Is this real life? 

As delightfully surreal as this entire experience has been, my expectations came crashing down to reality the minute the first trailer for "Knuckles" was revealed. Ah, yes, there's that old familiar feeling of being disappointed by "Sonic" media. Hello dorkness, my old friend, etc etc. I guess I was expecting too much, forgetting once again that the "Sonic" MovieVerse is for children and normies, not hardcore weirdos like me. It seemed reasonable to expect that a show about the third or fourth most popular "Sonic" character would draw from the franchise's deeper lore. Obviously, all the stuff from the old comics, and even the new ones I'm assuming, are off-limits. (Surprisingly absolutely no one, Ken Penders is seething.) It's not like I expected fuckin' Bimmy to show up or anything. Yet pulling from the actual games Knuckles has starred in, in order to build up enough story for a six hour show, struck me as a given. What I'm saying is, expecting an appearance from Rouge the Bat or the Chaotix or Angel Island, at least some allusion to them, didn't seem improbable. 

Instead, the trailer made it clear that Paramount+'s "Knuckles" was going to be an extremely broad comedy about Knuckles having a wacky adventure with Wade. Ya know, Wade. You guys remember Wade, right? The absent-minded deputy from Green Hills? The one who distracted from the parts of "Sonic the Hedgehog 2" you actually care about to perform some mediocre pratfalls? Established "Sonic the Hedgehog" cast member Wade Whipple, beloved by all. And the villains are... Some people. Maybe a biker guy with Robotnik tech? And some bantering secret agent types? Look, Kid Cudi is here. 

I guess I'm still stuck in the unfortunate mindset that the "Sonic" movie series is eventually going to become more like the games and cartoons and shit that we actually like. Instead of being it's own weird hybrid of schtick-y PG comedy and CGI action set pieces. It's not like "Sonic" tie-in media not really resembling any other part of the franchise is anything new. It's actually the norm. However, I couldn't help but continue to be frustrated that this universe Paramount is building around characters I care way too much about is determined to be so different from established "Sonic" stories. To the point that it might as well be "Sonic" or "Knuckles" in-name-only. But computer-generated cartoon animals are expensive. I don't know what Adam Pally works for but I'm betting he's just happy to have a starring gig, especially off the back of a small part in a movie everyone kind of expected to bomb. That's how you get a "Knuckles" streaming series that actually stars some fuckin' dude. Instead, we faithful "Sonic" old-timers have to be satisfied with small shout-outs to the more obscure corners of the franchise. It's as if a Viacom exec is saying to me "Listen, you goddamn nerds, we gave Knuckles his hat. Doesn't that make you happy? Isn't that enough? Are you not entertained? Look at all these "Star Trek" shows we have!" 

Listen, I know. I take my blue rats that run fast and red aardvarks that punch things entirely too seriously. I've already had people on Discord yell at me for the unforgivable crime of wanting things to be good. The truth is, I probably would've hated a "Knuckles" streaming show no matter what. Not because I'm a pedantic, unpleasable man-child who spends his free time nitpicking a series targeted at people half my age. Not just because of that anyway... 

Nah, I simply fucking hate how most serialized television, especially those made for streaming, are written and paced. So many programs seemed designed to delay satisfaction for as long as humanly possible, in order to keep your eyes glued to the app of your choice all day long. Show runners want to be novelists or movie directors, so an entire season of television must tell one, long continuous story. But most stories don't actually need to be six or ten hours long. This means programs have to fill time with a deluge of subplots nobody gives a shit about, on the way to something genuinely interesting happening in the final minutes of the last episode. I hate to refer to a Twitter meme but, truthfully, the "Surf Dracula" tweet says it all. 

I haaaate this. I don't know who exactly to blame but I feel compelled to call out J.J. Abrams and Damon Lindeloff. I'm a movie guy, by nature. Tell me a self-contained story in one installment. Don't yank my dick around, Netflix. You're not David Lynch. In the amount of time it takes me to watch a convoluted season of a streaming show that just exists to set up the next convoluted season, I could watch three or four obscure 70s Italian horror movies. I'm old, okay? I could be dead tomorrow. I have to use my time carefully. 

Uh, anyway... What was I talking about? Oh yeah, this "Knuckles" thing. The point of this rambling introduction is that I'm probably going to hate this show. People like to say I'm a contrarian who hates everything. I actually like most of the media I consume and make a concerted effort to always find the best in something. But I'm going into "Knuckles" pretty much expecting to dislike it. 

I'm still going into it though. Because complaining about "Sonic the Hedgehog" adjacent programming is what I've chosen to do with my life. And considering how baffled I was, just a few weeks ago, that a "Knuckles" TV show even exists in the first place, maybe I should be happy with what I get. Maybe all us "Sonic" fans should be satisfied simply with the sheer fact that multi-billion dollar conglomerates have deemed our stupid video game thingy worthy of investment. I'm watching it, writing about it, playing right into the hands of the people who created it. Maybe I deserve to be disappointed. But it won't stop me from bitching about it. I'm a "Sonic" fan, stuck in a world spiraling through the death throes of late stage capitalism. Grousing about it all for an increasingly smaller audience is how I cope. I have a mouth and I must scream. 

Anyway... Hey there, Hedgehogs Can't Swim readers. I'm back. Sorry I died for a while. Please enjoy my reviews of the "Knuckles" streaming show. I apologize for any and all insufferable comments in advance. 

Sonic X: The Dub

When I first started my “Sonic X” retrospective, I commented that this was the third or so time I had attempted to watch the show. I never made it very far before for many reasons, my then-reluctance to explore versions of Sonic that I didn’t have nostalgia for being the main one… But, I think, watching the dub each previous time was a major factor. It's not a controversial opinion to say that the “Sonic X” dub is bad. At the very least, most agree it's the inferior version of the show. There's still quite a lot of enmity towards 4Kids these days, for their heavy and frequently bizarre censorship. Honestly, I don't know why it took me so long to just watch the sub. Once I did, I found "Sonic X" to be a fun, quirky show in its own right. 

Nevertheless, the dub does have its place in "Sonic" history. After all, the 4Kids approved voice cast took over all the same roles in the Sega video games for a few years. For fans of a certain age, Jason Griffin is their Sonic. Naturally, the dub is how a whole generation of U.S. "Sonic" nerds got introduced to the franchise. It's unsurprising that many "Sonic" fans have a fondness for this version of the program. Considering "Sonic X's" third season was primarily made for the U.S. market, some might even go so far as to say that the dub is the primary cut of the show. That certainly seems to be the opinion of the weird people who run the Sonic News Network Wiki, where all "Sonic X" articles frustratingly defer to the English language version first. 

So I knew I had to talk about the dub eventually. I simply had a problem deciding how to do that. As I write this, it's been a whole month since I've finished watching "Sonic X" and writing every other article in this series. Truthfully, I wasn't eager to subject myself to the dub, because I knew I was going to hate it. But there were practical reasons for the delay too. Sitting down and re-watching the entire series in English, after just finishing a marathon of the Japanese version, did not seem like a good use of my time. Especially not for the sake of one article. Watching a short highlight reel on YouTube or something also seemed like cheating. 

What I really should've done is watched each dubbed episode right after watching the original cuts. I could've included a short paragraph comparing each edit in every review. That would've been the easiest, smartest way to handle it, which would provide me with as comprehensive a view of this show as could be expected. Both the sub and the dub are easily found online – the dub is streaming on YouTube, or Tubi if you're nasty, officially and for free – so I really had no excuse. In fact, why didn't I do that? You wouldn't be forced to read these words right now if I had. Sorry, guys, I'm kind of dumb sometimes. 

Having clearly missed my chance to do the right thing, I guess I got stuck in neutral for a while. After deliberating for a whole fucking month, I finally decided on a strategy: I would watch a bunch of dubbed episodes in one day. I went through my reviews and picked out a dozen favorites, across the three seasons. I figured this would give me a fairly balanced view of the dub, exposing myself to the different sounds and moods of 4Kids' "Sonic X," without walking the cumbersome path of re-watching a show I just finished not that long ago. Six hours later, I finally had a reason to write this blog post. If that also seems like cheating, I apologize profusely to you, dear Hedgehogs Can't Swim readers.

The most obvious aspect of the dub to discuss, I suppose, is how the cast compares to their Japanese originals. To be totally frank, I don’t like Jason Griffin’s Sonic. Jun’ichi Kanemaru’s Sonic had just the right level of snottiness, making the hedgehog seem genuinely cool and carefree. Griffin’s Sonic, meanwhile, always sounds too excited for everything. There’s something cutesy about his approach that puts me off. Like he’s a cartoon teddy bear trying to sell me detergent or something. Sanae Kobayashi's Chris was definitely whiny at times but also always sincere, in a way that made him seem like a genuinely neurotic child. After listening to Suzanne Goldish's scratchy, petulant little boy voice for five minutes, I was ready to throw Chris into a jet turbine. No wonder fans hate him so much! 

This difference is true almost entirely across the board. Japanese Tails is cute and soft. U.S. Tails is nasally and annoying. Japanese Amy nicely balances a girly side with a vulnerability or a manic touch. U.S. Amy is too bratty, too often. Japanese Vector is absurdly overconfident. U.S. Vector goes for an exaggeratedly goofiness that grates on the ears. Japanese Cosmo is emotive and fragile but with a serene streak. U.S. Cosmo is just flat, effecting a generic feminine gentleness to every line. Japanese Big is doofy and U.S. Big is somehow even doofier. Japanese Cream is, well, ear-splittingly high-pitch but at least she sounds like a real little girl. U.S. Cream sounds like a grown woman doing a sub-par impersonation of a little girl. Decoe and Bocoe's English V.O.s have a robotic filter over their voices that drain away much of the humor, while Bokkun gains a clownish quality to his already obnoxious shrieking. They aren't the only robot that gets a downgrade, as the dub gives Gamma a pinched, nerdy voice for some fucking reason. 

The more you watch 4Kids “Sonic X,” the more apparent it is that they wanted to wring out as much of the original’s personality as possible. While the Japanese actors who played Chris' family frequently have a dryly humorous quality to their voices, that made the over-the-top wackiness easier to swallow, the U.S. cast go for cuddly warmth almost every single time. (The pidgin English and “ay caramba!” accents the dub cast chose for Tanaka and Ella would get the show canceled these days and I don't mean by the network.) Nobitoshi Canna's Knuckles is gruff but also youthful sounding, emphasizing the echidna's frequently child-like personality. Dan Green's Knuckles has way too deep a voice, sounding like he's significantly older than the rest of the character. This is even worst for Shadow, also voiced by Griffin in the dub. Griffin's attempt at a gravelly tough guy voice is simultaneously overwrought and flat while also being completely impossible to take seriously. 

Not every voice is godawful. In the Japanese audio, Chikao Otsuka gave Eggman a pretty goofy voice, though one you can still easily imagine coming out of a 56 year old mad scientist with a mustache like that. Mike Pollock's Eggman is honestly better. He's realistically gruff but with an expert comedic timing, selling the perfect mixture of egomania and childish posturing that makes Eggman the character we know. TMS gave Sam Speed a baritone voice that was a little distracting while 4Kids Sam Speed has a more natural Tom Cruise pattern to his speech. 

A lot of the dub actors are not necessarily better but they at least aren't terrible. I would not say Kathleen Delaney's Rouge is superior to Rumi Ochiai – she still sounds too old, doing some weird Jessica Rabbit impersonation – but she maintains her sensual quality. Espio's English voices him like the lead in the cheesy dub of a ninja movie, which is fitting, I suppose. I like Pale Bayleaf's Japanese voice a lot better but at least I can still take his English voice seriously. (As opposed to Dark Oak and Black Narcissus, who have ridiculously overcompensating computerized “evil” voice) Topaz' Japanese voice is cuter but the English actress does a passable job. Charmy is equally irritating in both versions and at least Helen doesn't sound too unnatural. 

Of course, the voices were not the only changes 4Kids made during the dub. The incidental music was completely changed. It's not like the background music in “Sonic X” was all the exceptional. However, what 4Kids replaced it with is just about the most generic stuff you can imagine. The music is loud, blaring melodramatically, during moments that were subtle in the sub. It's cloying and too-cute in sequences that were funny or character-driven originally, wacky horn noises taking the place of silence. 

Large swathes of the script were rewritten too, of course. The absurd humor of the Japanese script is flattened out, the dialogue peppered with puns instead. Lame attempts at comedy like that stands right next to histrionic declarations. “Sonic X” was not the most nuanced anime in existence yet, compared to the English dub, it comes off much better. 4Kids did everything they could to overemphasize every emotion in the story, treating it audience like they were the biggest dummies in the world. It took a show that was for twelve-year-olds and made it for three-year-olds.

With that in mind, it makes the motivation behind the overzealous censorship the dub is so notorious for clearer. They did shit like remove every instance of writing, Japanese or otherwise, on-screen. Presumably because the producers seemed to genuinely think its audience wouldn't understand why there were Japanese symbols in this Japanese show. That the visual symbolism of oil leaking from a robot's eyes, like tears, would be too subtle. So the oil must be changed to look like tears. The writing was changed so often that the meaning of entire scenes were often completely altered. Take a look at this scene from the Sonic Battle arc. In the original, the scene is about Chris' character development, how he feels frustrated that everybody still treats him like a kid. In the English dub, the scene is changed to be about the guilt Chris feels over “cheating,” as if the program was trying to instill some cheesy moral on its audience.

Obviously, the most notorious alterations 4Kids made to “Sonic X” are in episode 68, “On a Destroyed Planet.” I've already gone over the kids-glove changes 4Kids made to the ending, of changing Molly's suicidal sacrifice into her merely flying off-screen. But it's actually even more awkward in execution than it sounds. Molly – who sounds like a suburban mom knocking on my door to tell me my grass isn't up to the community standard – speaks about continuing to fight when her Japanese counterpart was weeping in defeat. Her and Shadow share a meaningful glance totally out-of-context. Her cry of agony now becomes a meaningless wail as she flies off. Shadow then goes nuclear on the Metarex armada for no reason at all. Her gravestone is then digitally removed from the final scene, Shadow and Rouge's dialogue now being filled with empty platitudes about worrying and Molly being tough. Lame!

It's just a natural extension of how the dub insisted every ounce of subtly get bled out of this show. Molly has to mention the Black Wind at every chance. Rouge has to be slinging one-liners every minute. The heroes just can't randomly be attacked by giant piranha on a weird planet. It has to tie into the plot somehow. Characters flatly announce their motivations and emotions, as if  Philip J. Fry wrote this or something. It's absolutely maddening. Even that English title, “A Revolutionary Tale,” is a goofy pun that feels at odds with the tone and content of the grimmest episode of the entire series.

I guess that's my main takeaway from the 4Kids version of “Sonic X.” If you saw this as a young kid, you probably liked it. Because it's designed to make the show as kid-friendly – in both form and function – as possible. That means sanding off everything interesting or even slightly edgy off the show. To an adult's eyes, the dub comes off as nothing but incredibly simpering and condescending. I'm glad I didn't attempt to review the Fox Box version, as it would've been like getting my teeth drilled every day. The original “Sonic X” surprised me because of how much fun, how well done, it could be. I thought the show was going to be cringe-y bullshit for stupid babies... Because that's what the dub, my first exposure to it, is. 

If there's any point to this rambling rebuttal, I guess it's simply this: If you're going to watch “Sonic X,” watch the Japanese version. It's readily available online. The dub takes a pretty decent, entertaining show and reduces it to the most bland product possible. I guess 4Kids kept getting away with this because it made everyone involved a lot of money. But we're grown-ass adults now, so we don't have to put up with the watered-down version of our children's cartoons anymore. “Sonic X: The Dub” is lame as fuck. Stick with the subtitles. 

SOME THOUGHTS ON THE CHIP 'N DALE: RESCUE RANGERS MOVIE...

When Disney randomly announced that they were making a movie out of “Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers,” I wasn't really sure what to expect. Reboots of old kid properties that mash up real actors with CGI animals is not, ya know, a genre that's typically good. And it's not like “Rescue Rangers” was a show anyone was asking for a feature film adaptation of. Okay, I know for a fact the show has hardcore fans. Even for people who are old like me, who actually watched the show when it was originally airing, “Rescue Rangers” is best remembered for its insanely catchy theme song. (And for producing an object of such intense furry lust that she's literally worshiped as a goddess by some people.) 

When it was announced that the Lonely Island guys would be starring in and co-writing the movie, that gave me some dim hope that maybe a fresh angle was being brought to this unnecessary project. After the trailer was released earlier this year, I lost pretty much all interest in the thing. The cameo-dotted teaser made it clear that “Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers” would belong to the “I.P. Orgy” genre. I think the maddening horror of “Space Jam 2” last year totally burned me out on this most cynical of modern corporate products. I figured I would have no cause to watch this movie, much less write about it.

But here I am, writing about it after all. And if you're a reading of this blog, you probably know why. Completely unexpectedly and utterly inexplicably, Sonic the Hedgehog is in the “Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers” movie. Not just any version of Sonic but what the movie calls “Ugly Sonic.” That would be the infamous version of the hedgehog from the notorious first trailer for the first movie. Amazingly, this is not just a one-off cameo, like the real Sonic's appearances in the “Wreck-It Ralph” films. Ugly Sonic is a running gag throughout “Chip 'n Dale,” appearing in several scenes and even cropping back up during the finale. The malformed video game icon is, with no exaggeration, a plot point. 

How do I, as someone who takes his blue hedgehogs far too seriously, feel about this? It's definitely surreal to me that Sonic, much less a rejected design for him, would be a supporting character in a Disney movie. It goes to show how quickly internet memes permeate through society these days that Ugly Sonic went from fandom in-joke to gag in a major motion picture within just two short years. “Chip 'n Dale” cracks most of the same jokes here that the internet did, fixating on this Sonic's freakishly humanoid teeth.

Furthermore, it's been odd seeing the “Sonic” fandom loose its collective mind over this appearance. I guess having “Ugly Sonic” as the lead of your big budget movie, representing all of the “Sonic” franchise to a wide audience, is very different than having him exist as an absurd joke in a straight-to-streaming comedy. Ugly Sonic's appearance here – as a washed-up celeb at a convention (though I guess, considering he's a rejected design, he's more of a never-was than a has-been) – certainly plays into the cultural perception of the “Sonic” franchise as over-the-hill and targeted at weirdo outsiders. He's chubby, a loser, and has a craggy smoker's voice. The character does redeem himself at the end, which maybe speaks to how “Sonic” as a franchise has been doing better here of late. 

Ugly Sonic is not the only bizarre, unexpected cameo in this movie. As you might expect, there's small appearance here from Disney-owned characters like Bonkers, Roger Rabbit, Phineas' mom, Scrooge McDuck, and Marvel superhero Tigra. (Specifically, the Tigra from “Avengers: United They Stand,” which really is a deep cut.) Yet more confusing are when non-Disney properties, like Sonic, randomly drop in here. He-Man, Skeletor, some little ponies, Batman, E.T., the “Fast and the Furious” guys, Voltron, Shrek, Beavis, and Randy Marsh all have cameos. Nickelodeon is mentioned by name. I expected vague homage to the likes of Gumby, Transformers, or Robert Zemecksis' “Beowulf.” We get those. Yet it is surprising that Disney went so far as to actually legally clear appearances from characters that they don't even own.

After a while, I quickly realized something else: These references are pretty much the only jokes the movie actually has. There are a couple of cute gags throughout. Such as Chip's taste in music or a surprise voice actor for one of the original cartoon's cast members. Yet long stretches of “Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers” are totally lifeless. Much of the comedy relies upon totally inert banter between the two chipmunks, John Mulaney and Andy Samberg lifelessly trading banter full of stale quips. Gags that could've been clever, like a visit to an area devoted to early, off-putting CGI characters, are overexplained. By the end, those cameo appearances become the primary punchlines, making “Chip 'n Dale” feel like the Disney equivalent of a Seltzer/Friedberg joint, where a well-known character simply appearing constitutes a punchline.

By far the film's most painful sequence is an impromptu rap number, which feels like it goes on forever. This is a callback to an earlier moment, where Chip criticizes Alvin and the Chipmunks for demeaning themselves by doing the “cute CGI animals rap” cliché. But, ya know, the movie still does that shitty cliché. This isn't the only example. The finale indulges another cliché of the buddy cop genre, the script simply stating that this plot device is worn-out, predictable, and overdone and then doing it anyway. Being ironic and self-referential about shitty, hacky writing doesn't make it any less shitty or hacky. 

The character arcs are similarly route and uninspired. Dale is a washed-up celeb, chasing his long past fame and valuing that more than friendship. Naturally, he learns the true lesson about companionship. Meanwhile, stuffy Chip, who has become accustomed to mediocrity, gets back in touch with his adventuring days before the story is through. Another story stereotype that's followed is the arc of the child actor. You might've read that the film's villain is a middle-age Peter Pan, who has become a crime lord after aging out of his Boy That Never Grew Up role. This is probably a reference to the life of Bobby Driscol, the original voice actor of Peter Pan who had a famously troubled post-Disney life. That's in questionable taste to begin with but it's actually worst than that: “Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers” isn't actually about fame or how the film industry chews up vulnerable young people and spits them out. It gives the antagonist this sympathetic backstory but still plays him as a two-dimensional villain. By the end, he's even robbed of his humanity.  

Ultimately, much like “Space Jam: A New Legacy,” “Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers” is a crass studio product that is philosophically hollow. (Though it is, if nothing else, less eye-rendingly hideous than that movie.) If you examine its plot for more than a second, that becomes especially apparent. This is a movie, made by a massive entertainment corporation, about the evils of bootleg merchandise. The ultimate goal of the villainous scheme is to devalue corporate intellectual property. This is Disney propaganda and nakedly so. Now that the House That Mickey Built is devouring other companies in an never-ending quest to totally dominate pop culture, I have increasingly little patience for this kind of shit. 

This is all the more painful because I love animation. Disney, of course, built its reputation on animation... Which makes it all the more painful that the animation here is actually pretty shitty. Part of the movie's world is that CGI and traditionally animated characters co-exist with humans. Yet the traditionally animated characters are, in fact, created through incredibly cheap looking cell-shaded CGI. Chip, Peter, and a couple other characters look like fucking V-Tubers. How can a company, beloved for its history of rich, hand-drawn animation, allow something this ugly and tacky to come out? It just makes the film seem all the more empty, a dead-inside product that is masquerading as a celebration of the medium. 

But, yeah, it is weird and interesting that Ugly Sonic is in this movie. (And it's extremely funny that some of those aforementioned hardcore furries are seething over a minor reveal. I'm also amused that all the Rescue Rangers are played by A-list actors known for being on-screen... Except Gadget, because Tress MacNeille is apparently unreplaceable.) That's the whole reason I watched this fucking thing and why I'm blogging about it. Sorry I kind of went on a rant though. Anyway, I don't really recommend this film. I'm sure a Youtube clip compilation of the Sonic scenes will be up soon enough, if it's not already. If you're a curious hedgehog fanboy, just watch those instead. Don't give your time or money to this one otherwise. One or two odd or funny gag is not enough to justify this ultimately lazy, empty, and self-congratulatory experience. [4/10]

SOME THOUGHTS ON THE SONIC THE HEDGEHOG 2 TRAILER

I remember it like it was yesterday. In May of 2019, the trailer for the hotly anticipated live-action “Sonic the Hedgehog” movie debuted. Many die-hard “Sonic” fans, who are very used to this franchise being abused and disappointing us, were already skeptical of the movie's existence. Then that trailer dropped like an atomic bomb, generating a wave of anti-buzz that threatened to destroy the movie before it even came out. It was such a seismic reaction that the studio was forced to listen, redesigning Sonic and pushing the movie back several months. 

How you feel about the finished movie seems to depend entirely on where your priorities were. Most mainstream movie critics thought it was fine, a totally serviceable and very typical kids' movie The “Sonic” fandom, meanwhile, was very positive on the movie. In fact, I remember a lot of people saying they loved it. Even though it had little to do with the “Sonic” franchise as it had existed before that point.. Whether this is because the first trailer was so bad it set people's expectations in the abyssal plain – and people already expected the movie to be bad, because video game movies are usually bad – or because Sonic fans are especially uncritical about something as long as it looks right is really a matter of opinion.

Regardless, Jeff Fowler's “Sonic the Hedgehog” movie was a hit. It grossed 319 million against a 90 million dollar budget. That made it the highest grossing superhero movie of 2020, dethroning Marvel's ten year run in that genre. It also made it the highest grossing video game adaptation in U.S. box office history, defeating “Detective Pikachu,” the movie it was unflatteringly compared to at one point. It also had the advantage of being the last big studio release before the pandemic shut everything down, making “Sonic” seems like the last happy outcast from the version of history that existed before the world went completely fucking insane. 

When a film makes that kind of cash, especially when it's based on a long-running multi-media franchise with a number of exploitable tie-ins and spin-offs, obviously a sequel is on everyone's mind. This was obviously something the first movie hoped for or else it wouldn't have included that Marvel-esque mid-credit teaser featuring Tails. Even Jim Carrey, who once wasn't much for sequels, was ready to go. And so “Sonic 2” rolled into production last year, filmed this previous spring, and the trailer came out yesterday.

If you're reading this blog, you know all the juicy details already. Leaked set photos confirmed Knuckles and Tails would play a large role in the movie. After Jason Momoa and The Rock were rumored, Idris Elba got cast as Knuckles. He then denied that Knuckles was sexy, obviously unaware of the property he will now forever be linked with. Colleen O'Shaughnessey would reprise her role as Tails from the games and the previous movie's last scene. All of this is good news. 

So what of that trailer? 

First off, the only real complaint I have is that it feels a little heavy on the quips. I get that Ben Schwartz is a funny guy who knows his way around a one-liner. Similarly, we all expect Sonic to be a sarcastic little smart-ass who cracks jokes in the face of danger. Yet the trailer feels a little heavy on that. This may just be a side effect of how modern trailers are cut, to emphasize action and humor as much as possible. Also, I still don't know why Jason Marsden is in these movies. Tom was... Largely inoffensive in the first one but I feel like his role will grow increasingly inessential, if the film franchise continues to evolve down the path it seems to be on.

Otherwise, the trailer definitely doubles-down on the shit that is going to make fans loose their mind. Tails is front-and-center, including piloting the Tornado while Sonic poses on the wing in an iconic manner. Jim Carrey's Robotnik is now sporting a mustache more akin to the game version. A Chaos Emerald is presented in all its glimmering glory. And, of course, Idris Elba's Knuckles has a show-stopping appearance in the last few minutes. Despite whatever Idris' intentions were, the combination of everyone's gruff and punch-y echidna with his sonorous voice are going to have an immediate impact on certain subsections of the fandom. 

A slightly deeper look at the trailer reveals even more fun stuff. Sonic munches a chili dog. The Egg Drones from the first movie have been remodeled to resemble Buzz Bombers. Agent Stone, already a beloved minor character, is shown working in a coffee shop with the words “mean” and “bean” on the wall behind him. Sonic appears to perform a Homing Attack in one scene and rides a snowboard down a mountainside. We even see missiles fire out of some sort of large, somewhat round, dark structure, which I suspect might be the Death Egg.

All of this suggests a sequel that will lean much more into the “Sonic” universe as we know it. Of course, the question remains: Will the movie actually be good? That disastrous initial trailer was almost, in a way, a blessing for the first “Sonic” movie. Precisely because it set everyone's expectations so low, that the movie could easily exceed them. “Sonic 2” has a much more uphill battle ahead of it, because people actually liked the first one. Fans actually expect the sequel to be at least as good. That leaves a lot more room for disappointment. This is a factoid I understand and I am working as hard as possible to not to get too excited for the film. 

But here's the ugliest truth of all: I love the "Sonic" franchise too much, been too obsessed with this fucking thing my entire life, to be objective about what is fundamentally a mediocre kids movie series. As long as this nods towards the Thing I Love, I'm willing to forgive so much. This is definitely probably why I rated a movie that should've been, at most, a 6/10 as high as a 8/10. What does that say about the state of studio filmmaking, that filmmakers try to patch over merely passable quality by injecting it with easily-grasped childhood nostalgia? And what does it say about me that I'm 100% falling for it? 

These are questions we don't have answers to yet and won't know for sure until the movie is actually out in April. What I do know is that I'm ready to strap in, baby. SONIC 2 HYPE TRAIN STARTS NOW WOOOO!!!!