Sonic Christmas Blast: Revisited

Sonic Christmas Blast

Original Air Date: November 26th, 1993

Merry Christmas and happy holidays to all Hedgehogs Can't Swim readers! I'm glad that I have both survived 2021 and have kept this blog regularly updated throughout. Long time readers know I like to do something special around the holidays. For the very first Hedgehogs Can't Swim Christmas special, I posted an old review of "Sonic Christmas Blast." However, that review was written for my other blog, designed to appeal to non-Sonic people. After finishing up my retrospective of "Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog" earlier this year, it seemed fitting to revisit the holiday special that more-or-less continued from that series. So, here we go: "Sonic Christmas Blast: Take Two."

Before we get into the question of what "Sonic Christmas Blast" does, we really have to answer the question of why it exists in the first place. By 1996, a new episode of "Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog" hadn't aired in three years. In fact, I recall a lot less "Sonic" content in general in the middle nineties, saved for the then-deathless comic book. Sega, at the time, was hoping to give the franchise a shot in the arm with a new game for their brand new Sega Saturn... But that game was "Sonic X-Treme," a notoriously troubled production that was eventually canned. Sega had high hopes for the project before killing it,  releasing a number of tie-in products. This included a Christmas special, meant to hype up the game that was supposed to be a hot holiday title release. 

When "Sonic X-Treme" died, the Genesis title "Sonic 3-D Blast" was quickly propped up as its replacement. (Which meant there wasn't a major "Sonic" title in between "Sonic and Knuckles" and "Sonic Adventure," no doubt contributing to the franchise's downfall... But that's a topic for another day.) When "Sonic 3D Blast" desperately attempted to fill "Sonic X-Treme's" shoes, "An X-Tremely Cool Sonic Christmas" was hastily retitled "Sonic Christmas Blast." The half-hour special aired on the USA Network, where I can't imagine it reached that wide of an audience. I, a lifelong "Sonic" obsessive, didn't even know the special existed until years afterwards. 

Yet even that information doesn't really explain many of the strange things about this cartoon. Who made the decision to link this special to a three-year-old syndicated cartoon? Why did it randomly mix elements from both of DiC's "Sonic" series from earlier in the decade, without really capturing the feeling of either show? Moreover, why is it a Christmas special, instead of just a generic "Sonic" product meant to promote the upcoming game? Sonic has had little association with that most money-hungry of holidays before this point. Sadly, answers are not readily available to these queries. All we have is the odd special itself to examine. 

The plot is not too different from your typical episode of "AoStH." Santa Claus announces his retirement, disappointing the children of Mobius. Worst yet, greedy madman Robotnik is installed as his replacement. The evil fat man immediately inverts the rules of the holiday, demanding the citizens of the world give him gifts or face dire consequences. Sonic immediately races into action to save the real Santa, captured by Robotnik. Yet only a magical ring gifted to Sonic by his girlfriend provides the true means to save Christmas. See? Totally in-the-spirit of the dumbass cartoon.

The presence of Scratch and Grounder, Jaleel White and Long John Baldry in the voice cast, and some of the design choices also obviously mark this as a continuation of "AoStH." Yet it's also noticeably different. The animation is less loose, the character designs slightly smoother. The production values are just a smidgen higher, resulting in a more homogeneous look. Robotnik is both more exaggerated and less grotesque than his "AoStH" counterpart. Christopher Welch had aged out of voicing Tails and Chris Turner, whose voice is slightly deeper, plays the character. 

This is all a way of saying "Christmas Blast" most resembles "AoStH" but it doesn't really feel like it. Mobius is populated with generic cartoon humans and not a bizarre mix of cartoon animals, freaky monstrosities, and ugly humanoids. The Mobiums currency has been replaced with "Robotnikbucks," suggesting the villain has completed his conquest of the planet in the intervening years. Mostly, the special doesn't have the same comedic spirit. "AoStH" was aggressively, obnoxiously wacky, frequently sacrificing all sense of logic for grating jokes and nonsensical gags. "Christmas Blast" has a lot of lame slapstick but its world makes sense. This is most noticeable in two ways: The surreal landscapes have been replaced with colorful but bland cities. While Sonic does wear a disguise to fool Scratch and Grounder, it actually has an effect on the plot and isn't just done to humiliate the buffoons. 

This noticeable tonal difference might have been a result of one or two choices. First off, it's possible screenwriters the Shelly brothers just lost their grip on "AoStH's" style in the years between. Or they might've reined in the show's craziness to appeal more to "SatAM" fans. Yes, "Sonic Christmas Blast" is a(n entirely unsatisfying) fusion of both of the then-existing Sonic cartoons. Robotnik's minions resemble the wacky machine designs of "AoStH" but are referred to as SWATBots. Instead of his tower abode, Robotnik operates out of an industrialized city named Robotropolis. Most noticeably, Princess Sally is in this special. 

Yet no attempt is made to capture "SatAM's" feeling either. This Robotropolis is just a regular city, populated by regular people, and not a bombed-out dystopia. They even pronounce it differently. No other element from "SatAM" is present. As for Sally, no attempt was made to depict her character. Literally all she does is stand around, point at Sonic, and get buried in gifts at the end. She has no dialogue and even her briefly heard gasps are provided by a different actress. (As Katy Soucie was too busy, at the time, voicing another object of furry lust in "Space Jam.") While she looks like her season one design, her color palette is closer to the pilot's infamous "pink Sally." Basically, "Sonic Christmas Blast" wanted to appeal to fans of both "Sonic" cartoons but didn't really put in the work to feel like either of them. 

Perhaps even this is giving the people behind "Sonic Christmas Blast" too much credit. Much like the cartoon show that proceeded it, this was a quickly produced product meant to promote another product, with little care given to its quality. The central premise, of the bad guy kidnapping and replacing Santa, is similar to a hundred hacky holiday specials. The story contains a serious deus ex machina, as the ring Sally gave Sonic last year inexplicably provides the superpower boost needed to save Christmas. There's the presence of random hieroglyphs foretelling Sonic's victory, the shittiest attempt to justify the hasty last act. A long sequence is devoted to Sonic snowboarding and mountain biking, a clear attempt to cash in on the then-popularity of "x-treme" sports. (And no doubt an attempt to add to the special's overall "x-tremeness.") It's sloppy and bland all at the same time.

A key way you can tell "Christmas Blast" isn't really in the spirit of "Adventures" is the lack of Robotnik content. The show was so fascinated with Sonic's archenemy, that he sometimes felt like more of a main character than the hedgehog did. In "Christmas Blast," he wears a revealing Santa outfit, gloats and berates some people, asks for more chimneys to be installed, and is then defeated by Sonic. Long John Baldry is back but he gets few opportunities to show off his enthusiastic performance. And while I definitely could read into the way Robotnik turns a holiday ostensibly about giving into an excuse to take from people, as a commentary on the joys of Christmas being crushed by an obligation to fulfill capitalistic societal duties, that feels like a stretch even for me.

I guess my point is: I wasn't generally a fan of "Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog" but at least it had a distinct flavor. Its obnoxiousness and weirdness made it a definitely unique production. Its many baffling elements contributed to the overall stupefying "Sonic" legacy. "Sonic Christmas Blast," meanwhile, is just kind of bland and dumb in a very boring way. There's nothing especially interesting about it and it has rightly faded from the fandom's collective memory. I didn't see it until snatching a DVD out of a cheap bin as an adult. If I saw it as a kid, I would've been happy to see Sally again but I doubt I'd love it. 

Perhaps that's fitting, as disappointment is a key component of the American Christmas experience. But I hope you don't have a disappointing Christmas! A sincere thank you, for being a Hedgehogs Can't Swim reader for another year, is my gift to you. "Sonic Christmas Blast" may get a [4/10] but I hope your holiday, however you prefer to spend it, gets a ten outta ten!

Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, Episode 1.60: Hero of the Year

Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, Episode 1.60: Hero of the Year

Original Air Date: December 3rd, 1993

Here we are, kids, at the last episode of "Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog." The entire series played out over the course of only three months, though it continued to air in syndication and various other time slots for years to come. Despite the brief period it took the show to premiere, it took me about a year and two months to review the entire series. Granted, that's largely because of the seven month hiatus I took in the middle there. Yet it still feels like it took forever to work my way through this show. And now, finally, I am done. Let's roll that beautiful bean footage one last time.

"Hero of the Year" begins with Wes Weaselly riding in a fancy limo, seemingly having struck it rich. After an attempted carjacking by Scratch and Grounder, Sonic and Tails rescue the former con artist. Wes then suggests to Tails they throw an honorary dinner celebrating Sonic's heroism, inviting as many of his friends as possible. It turns out Wes isn't done conning though. It's all a trap set up by Robotnik, Wes being promised his own television shopping channel as a reward for screwing over Sonic. After the hedgehog and all his bodies are gathered on a cruise boat, Robotnik sticks him in a cage and sinks him to the bottom of the ocean. Surely someone will have a change of heart and save Sonic?

When the collection of Sonic's friends are gathered on the boat, they share memories of everyone's favorite spiny smartass, which somehow play out as video clips on a projector. Which means, yes, "Hero of the Year" is a clip show. A way to save money and pad out a season order by building an episode around footage from earlier episodes, clip shows have long been the bane of television fans. Ya know, you tune in for a new episode of your favorite show, only to be greeted with largely recycled scenes. You feel ripped off. They're increasingly rare now but were common place for years. Animation, being even more costly than regular television, was certainly not exempt from this. For what it's worth, I'd say that less than half of "Hero of the Year" is built around pre-existing scenes, so you don't feel too cheated. 

One does have to ask the question of why these particular characters and scenes were chosen for revisiting. Aside from Wes, Breezie, Robotnik Jr., Sgt. Doberman, and Robot from the previous episode are asked to present clips. Da Bears and Von Schmerler – big sigh – also show up for short scenes while a small horde of characters have cameos. That includes Spelunk, Rocket the Sloth, Sketch Lampoon, Bert Whoo, Roxy, Professor Caninestein, Miss Possum, and a miscolored MacHopper. Some of these were obviously favorites of the writers but others seem to be picked at random. Sgt. Doberman could hardly be called a friend of Sonic, considering he tried to betray him in "Attack on Pinball Fortress." None of the featured episodes are among the series' best. Later, Robotnik presents even more clips and they are equally random. "The Robotnik Express" is highlighted as his greatest defeat, when literally any other episode would have worked just as well. 

Aside from providing set-up for old footage, none of the returning characters do too much. Breezie says every line as a near-orgasmic moan and Robot's story moves the audience to tears. You'd think that, if this was one final chance to see old friends, the writers would've given them more to do. However, at the very least, Wes Weasely gets something like a proper redemption arc. Having been screwed by Robotnik, he decides to jump in the submarine he has for some reason and save Sonic. Afterwards, he promises he's done scamming. Granted, this is not convincing at all. Wes' motivations are entirely self-interested and he already seems to be sliding back into bad behavior by the final scene. But at least one of the reoccurring cast members has an effect on the episode's plot and undergoes some sort-of, kind-of, almost meaningful change. (Also, Wes spends nearly the whole episode in just his boxers with a giant cigar in his mouth, presumably because the animators just had to prove how freaky they were one more time.)

Taken on its own merits, "Hero of the Year" does not prove to be an especially memorable episode. There's one joke that made me laugh. After Robotnik insists he get his own celebratory ceremony, Scratch and Grounder invite all his friends... Which results in an empty theater. Otherwise, it's the same sort of loud slapstick you've come to expect. It's also kind of bullshitty that Sonic doesn't even do much, in this episode devoted to his heroism. Wes Weasly saves him. Also, they bring back a bunch of characters nobody gives a shit about but Coconuts is nowhere to be seen. Balderdash! I demand justice for my stupid robot monkey son. 

Even though it was the sixtieth in the "official" order, "Hero of the Air" was the last episode produced as well as aired. It doesn't have the closing minute of finality that "Sonically Ever After" did, nor the world-saving stakes. (It does have a mildly bizarre Sonic Sez segment devoted to the dangers of alcohol.) Robotnik is still at large, Mobius is still a place of chaos and madness, and Sonic and Tails' aggressively wacky adventures continue onward. However, a premise that more-or-less celebrates the entire series and a bunch of familiar faces returning at least feels like a good point to end on. I can't say I'm disappointed in this final episode, because that would imply I ever have any expectations for this show. 

But, at least I'm done. Come back next time for my closing thoughts on the entire series. As for "Hero of the Year," I must bequeath it with a meager [5/10].  

 

Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, Episode 1.59: Tails' Tale

Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, Episode 1.59: Tails' Tale

Original Air Date: December 1st, 1993

Of the main "Sonic" cast, Tails is the character that has probably evolved the most. In his original game appearance, he was almost strictly Sonic's sidekick, the character that trailed behind him. Japan always intended for him to be a mechanical whiz but Sega of America ran with the sidekick more. This is why, in all early American "Sonic" media, Tails is little more than Sonic's little buddy. It took years for his technical know-how and piloting skills to take hold. Because the game characterization tends to supersede everything else in newer fans' minds, his genius is now Tails' defining aspects, making the old stuff weird in retrospect. 

"Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog" never really featured that part of Tails' personality but it did get him behind the steering wheel of an old-timey airplane once. "Tails' Tale" begins with Sonic and Tails awoken by the sound of an aerial dogfight overhead. Scratch and Grounder are attempting to dose William Le Duck, pilot and would-be hero, with sleeping powder. They succeed and Tails has to fly in and save the day. Afterwards, Sonic vanishes. With Professor Von Schlemmer's help, Tails and LeDuck track Sonic down... Except he's still nowhere to seen. Sonic is trapped inside the Temple of Komometz, a cursed temple that vanished during the day. If not rescued by the next dawn, Sonic will be an eternal prisoner. Robotnik has arranged this entire ordeal, of course. Tails and the cowardly Le Duck must save the day.

Since I'm nearly at the end of my "AoStH" watch-through, I can definitively say that the Tails-focused episodes tend to be a little more tolerable than most. "Tails Prevails," "Tails in Charge," "Full Tilt Tails," and "Tails' New Home" are all among the better installments of this show. There's an easily discerned reason for this. Sonic always has to be the slapstick superhero, who foils his enemies in ridiculous ways. He's basically all powerful and rarely is challenged in any meaningful way. This causes the scripts to collapse into random wackiness or to shift focus to annoying side characters. Tails, on the other hand, is inexperienced by default. He's allowed to fail, be challenged, and rise above his own weaknesses. This evident in a surprisingly touching moment here, where Tails insists he heads inside the dangerous temple to save his friend.  Sonic would do it for him, so he has to do it for Sonic. It's kind of badass and an unexpected moment of character-driven action. 

Sadly, most of "Tails' Tale" doesn't actually focus on Tails rising to the occasion and rescuing Sonic. Yeah, it happens but most of the episode is focused on the oddball "Indiana Jones" style adventure. Considering the Jones franchise's popularity and prominence in the early nineties, I'm really surprised "AoStH" didn't riff on it sooner. The temple has a Central American style design. Komometz is a bat monster in an Aztec headdress, confirming him as inspired by Camazotz, the Aztec bat god. (He brings with him a group of giant bat monsters, who appear in one strange scene and are never seen again.) The curse, river of lava, various traps and puzzles all recall the "exotic adventurer" genre that the "Jones" movie homages and briefly rebirthed. 

As is usual, the show rarely has anything meaningful to say about these tropes. Though there are two mildly amusing gags. While pursuing Tails and Le Duck, Scratch and Grounder reads from an instructional manual on curses. They successfully collapse the bridge across the river of lava but reassemble it via their own incompetence, before destroying it again and trapping themselves on the other side. (I can't help but think of the "You're on the wrong side of the river!" moment from "The Mummy," a later "Indiana Jones" wannabe.) After finding Sonic in a dungeon, Tails and Le Duck are prepared to unravel another puzzle... Only to discover the key is hanging right there. See, unexpected payoffs like that are successful examples of what we call "humor."

Sadly, most of "Tails' Tale" isn't that amusing. Instead, the episode falls back on this program's mistaken belief that a funny accent is inherently amusing. LeDuck speaks with an exaggerated French accent for no particular reason. He's also a coward, afraid of his own airplane. This means DiC created two cowardly French characters around the same time. Von Schlemmer shows up and is as terrible as usual. The scene where Tails tries to introduce the duck and the professor is especially terrible. And then there's Komometz himself, who has a gravelly accent of undetermined origins. None of this is especially amusing and each character is a largely useless addition to the wider "Sonic" lore. 

The episode at least has a somewhat unexpected conclusion, where we learn Komometz isn't such a bad guy. After he learns Robotnik was ripping him off, he puts a curse on the Eggman's fortress. Definitely one of the more nonsensical foilings we've seen on this show. I really wanted to like this one more, if just for that really nice moment where Tails decides to save Sonic. The focus on annoying side characters and reheated jungle adventures shenanigans leaves little room for anything else though. They were so close. Bummer. [5/10]

Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, Episode 1.61: Fast and Easy

Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, Episode 1.61: Fast and Easy

Original Air Date: November 30th, 1993

We are fast approaching the end of "Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog," as I have all of three episodes left to review after this one. And, as the final episode draws nearer, I’m almost impressed with how little this show changed over the course of its run. The overwhelming majority of "AoStH" episodes did not play off the interaction between Sonic, Tails, and Robotnik's gang so much. Instead, most episodes introduced some random character into the mix, building the story around their problems or flaws. This is probably the reason why, despite taking far more elements from the early games than "SatAM" did, "AoStH" feels so disconnected from its source material. The writers were still doing this exact same set-up until nearly the end, as it evident with episode sixty-one, "Fast and Easy." 

While wandering the countryside, Sonic and Tails come upon Scratch and Grounder setting up a new trap. They are shocked to discover the trap isn't for them. Instead, Robotnik intends to capture Easy Eddie, a pickpocket and all-around dirt bag. Eddie has a ring stuck in his finger that contains a Chaos Emerald. If he gets his hand on the Emerald, Robotnik can start sinking continents into the ocean. Sonic decide the ring has to come off Eddie's finger, recruiting Professor Von Schlemmer to help. Yet, when the time comes, is a petty crook like Easy Eddie going to do the right thing? 

"Fast and Easy," at least in the abstract, has a pretty funny premise: What if Sonic had to rescue the worst person in the world? Easy Eddie isn't a supervillain but he is a massive asshole. He complains about Sonic rescuing him. He steals something from everyone he encounters. He's always rude, insulting Tails upon meeting him, and is nothing but self-interested in his actions. As if he couldn't be more of Sonic's diametric opposite, he also hates chili dogs and going fast. Yet being a hero means rescuing everyone, even people who are terrible. Forcing Sonic to continuously protect someone who always makes him regret it is a pretty amusing set-up for jokes, albeit darker ones than this series usually specializes in. 

Sonic griping about Eddie's unavoidable bad behavior is played for laughs throughout "Fast and Easy." Most of the episode is still devoted to pedestrian slapstick. However, I could've forgiven a lot if the episode did one thing. As soon as the ring is unstuck, Eddie runs off to Robotnik. He gives the supervillain the world-threatening ring in exchange for a massive payoff, which is totally in keeping with Eddie's personality. If the show had stuck with this idea, that some people are always terrible, it would've at least committed to its main joke. Instead, Eddie has the most unconvincing change of heart at the last minute. At the end of the episode, he shows back up, says he's changed, and gives back everything he stole. Literally nothing happens to prompt this change. Eddie's entire personality shifts just because this is a kids show and it would be uncharacteristic of the genre to have someone not learn their lesson. (Even though, I'd argue, "some people never change" is a moral kids probably could stand to learn.)

For "Sonic" lore nerds, this episode is notable for featuring a Chaos Emerald. It's the only time the show acknowledged the game's favorite MacGuffin outside of the Quest for the Chaos Emeralds four-parter. It's certainly inconsistent that this Chaos Emerald doesn't grant its wearer a god-like ability, like the other four. In fact, this Emerald has almost the opposite purpose of the game's Master Emerald. When placed upon a special pedestal, contained within a "Secret Zone," it causes islands to sink into the ocean. As opposed to the Master Emerald causing an island to float up into the sky. The show does not clarify how any of this works, where the Secret Zone is, how Robotnik found out about this, or any of that stuff. There was no time for actual plot points, when the episode had to squeeze in dumb jokes instead. But it is interesting that, probably by coincidence, this episode parallels some of the game series' most famous plot points about a year before it went down. 

Since I'm almost done with my watch-through of this show, I was really hoping I wouldn't have to see Professor Von Schlemmer again. It had been a while since he showed up. The series seemed to utilize the less horrifying Dr. Caninestein more as it went on. Nope! Not only goes the obnoxiously accented mad scientist appear in this episode, he's showing up two more times before the end. Presumably because the universe has a cruel sense of humor. Anyway, Von Schlemmer does his usual annoying bullshit. He performs absent-minded word play, builds bizarre and impractical inventions, and just annoys the hell out of me every second he's on-screen. He actually makes things worst for Sonic too. After accidentally zapping the ring off Eddie's finger, he insists on continuing with his ridiculous machine solutions, trying to solve a problem that's already been resolved. This allows Eddie to get away and endanger all of Mobius. Jesus... Von Schlemmer is like the Elon Musk of Mobius or some shit. 

How many times throughout this retrospective have I said that an episode could've been good if a little more thought or care had been taken with the premise? It seems like it's been a lot. Here's yet another example. A character like Easy Eddie, whose whole purpose is to always be terrible, had some comedic potential. Instead, "AoStH" falls back on what it always does. [5/10]

Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, Episode 1.33: Spaceman Sonic

Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, Episode 1.33: Spaceman Sonic

Original Air Date: November 9th, 1993

Aside from goofy superhero parodies, the writers of "Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog" often threw some aliens into the mix. Just saying a weird character was from space or another dimension was an easy way to introduce whatever odd one-off the writers had thought up that week. So it seems inevitable that the show would launch Sonic himself into space eventually. As much as I would like to invoke the "Jason X" rule - if a genre series runs long enough, it'll eventually end up in space - it doesn't really apply here. Sega had space levels as soon as the second game, and featured them with some frequency afterwards, so the cartoon was just following that lead. And thus, the prophecy is fulfilled with "Spaceman Sonic."

Robotnik has discovered a rare and powerful mineral in an asteroid field near Mobius. He has designed a rocket to travel to this area and gather the material, with Scratch and Grounder being the pilots. Sonic and Tails sneak aboard, in hopes of stopping the scheme. But that doesn't matter, as Grounder's idiocy soon has the entire group stranded in space. Sonic thinks up a way to steer the ship towards a near-by, abandoned space station, where they at least won't run out of oxygen. However, our hedgehog hero and his two-tailed Fox friend soon discover why the space station was abandoned: It's home to a grouchy and hungry alien lifeform. 

I appreciate "Spaceman Sonic" because it's the closest the show has come to a horror-themed episode. Being pursued by an angry, homicidal alien on an abandoned space station definitely sounds like the premise of an eighties horror movie. The set-up recalls "Alien," "It! The Terror from Beyond Space," "Saturn 3," and a dozen other movies. The alien is a one-eyed blob creature with a bad cold, resembling a giant amoeba monster from "The Angry Red Planet." (Not to mention the Space Mutants from "The Simpsons.") Slimy, as Sonic names him in the Sonic Sez segment, can also ooze through air vents, a direct shout-out to the Blob. The episode is also set on a "Caligari"-esque set, briefly features a skeleton, and has direct homages to the "Lost in Space" robot and the Martian Commander from "Invaders from Mars." If this had aired a few days earlier in 1993, it would've been a decent Halloween special. 

That's all well and good. The show's stretchy cartoon body-horror is even put to good use with Slimy, who bends his slime body into all sorts of fleshy shapes. Unfortunately, "Spaceman Sonic's" spooky space atmosphere is ruined by the show's usual shrill comedy. Scratch and Grounder's antics are even more unbearable than usual. Grounder accidentally breaking the ship controls minutes after getting airborne is not endearing. There's a joke about ball bearings and lots of insufferable banter between these two. It definitely feels like the writers padded out the script a little with repetitive, ostensibly comedic dialogue between the show's two main morons. (This is not the only evidence that this script might've been a rush job. The ending basically happens off-screen, Sonic befriending Slimy and using him to get home.)

Even then, I can't help but feel a little sorry for Scratch and Grounder in this episode. After Robotnik learns that the robots are on the abandoned space station, he duplicitously has Grounder destroy the only means of escape. All Robotnik cares about is that his greatest enemy is stranded on an abandoned space station. If he's successfully stranded his two most loyal robots as well is of no importance to him. Scratch and Grounder are understandably horrified by this. (Even if they are quasi-immortal robots.) Again, I must emphasize how cruel Robotnik is. He's built two undying machines, programmed them to love him, but only sees them as a means to an end. He cares not if they rot forever in space. What an asshole! This is the kind of shit that leads to robot uprisings, man. 

As "Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog" goes on, I am slowly getting an idea of what Mobius is like as a society. Here in "Spaceman Sonic," we learn that the Mobian government was once so advanced, and so rich, that it could afford to build and launch a massive space station. Sonic adds that the project was abandoned after "Robotnik stole all their money." Which further explains Robotnik's occasional depiction as a bank robber but also paints a pretty grim picture of the Mobian government. They had no reprisal against Robotnik for stealing their entire budget? He's so incompetent that a sixteen-year-old and his child sidekick regularly make a buffoon of him! Are there no armies in this world? No defense budgets? Was Mobius a utopia with no concept of violence before Robotnik? The glimpses of its past we got in the "Quest for the Chaos Emeralds" arc, which included some sort of World War, certainly didn't suggest that. While being ruled by childish despot Robotnik would be terrible, I'm beginning to think Mobius wasn't much better off before he arrived.

Anyway, I just realized I've barely talked about Sonic and Tails in this review. They spend most of the episode running away from the monster. Sonic using some magnet shoes and his speed to roll the aimless rocket towards the space station is mildly clever. (And, considering the physics of space, more accurate than the writers probably realized.) It's also notable that Sonic does the disguise gag even in outer space, further suggesting this is an innate superpower of his. Despite having lots of potential, I didn't really care for this episode too much. It should've focused more on the hungry space monster and less on the shrieky dialogue. But that's this show for ya. [5/10]

Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, Episode 1.01: Super Special Sonic Search and Smash Squad

Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, Episode 1.01: Super Special Sonic Search and Smash Squad

Original Air Date: October 6th, 1993

After reviewing twenty-two of these fucking things, I'm finally getting around to reviewing the first episode of "Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog." Hey, this wildly out-of-order viewing cycle is not totally my fault. As previously discussed, local affiliates could choose to show the series in whatever order they wanted. (Presumably front-lining the episodes they thought were most eye-catching.) Even though "Super Special Sonic Search and Smash Squad" is obviously set up to be the first episode, I guess someone figured it was better served being towards the middle. Since I seek to replicate my childhood watching experience as closely as possible, this is the order I'm going with. I know, it doesn't really make any sense but I have to be me, you guys. 

Anyway! Even though "Super Special Sonic Search and Smash Squad" is the first episode of "Adventures," it begins like any other. Only after Scratch and Grounder have Sonic lassoed in a tree does the hedgehog begin to explain how the group first met. Some time ago, Robotnik designated Sonic as Mobius' number one fugitive. After a number of other robotic bounty hunters failed to capture him, Robotnik attempted to build Scratch and Grounder as the ultimate Sonic-catching machines. And the hedgehog has been humiliating them ever since. 

"AoStH" was not a series especially concerned with serial storytelling but "Super Special Sonic Search and Smash Squad" – I'm not typing out that full title again – does function as something of an origin story for the show. How much power Robotnik has over Mobius, whether he's a full-blown global tyrant or just a petty dictator trying to take over the world, is still vaguely defined. But we do learn that Sonic is technically a criminal, standing up to someone in power, and there's a price on his head for that reason. (That price is one billion Mobians, suggesting Mobius' exchange rate is really poor.) So that's why Sonic and Tails are always on the run. Where Sonic and Robotnik come from, and why the hedgehog has such a grudge against the fat man, remained unanswered and likely always will. But at least the show has something like an actual set-up now.

As the first episode produced, "SSSSASS" also sets up the pattern nearly every other episode would follow. Scratch and Grounder argue over who Robotnik values more. Their boss/creator demeans them. They put up some stupid trap to catch Sonic, that he easily outwits. In the course of that, the hedgehog dresses up in a disguise, fooling and humiliating his enemies. The repetition begins here and that extends to the series' running gags. Robotnik says he hates that hedgehog, Sonic says he's waiting, chili dogs are established as his favorite food. Even Coconuts and his desperate desire to earn Robotnik's favor is established here. Yes, the writers of this show really did come up with six jokes and then decided they would just repeat them for sixty-five episodes. 

If "SSSSASS" sets up all the jokes the show would run into the ground, it also provides us with an insight into the writers' comedic sensibilities. "Looney Tunes" is obviously the main influence here. One of Scratch and Grounder's main traps involves painting a cityscape on a wall, with the intention of fooling Sonic into running into it. Another gag has Sonic re-routing all of Coconuts' gun barrels to point back at him. Both are these are stolen from classic Coyote/Roadrunner or Bugs Bunny/Elmer Fudd shorts. Moreover, in the early scenes, you can see a sort of classical cartoon humor being utilized. Robotnik's emotions are exaggerated to humorous effect. When he says he hates Sonic, his teeth are clenched so hard, they shatter. A sign pops out of his head, further emphasizing the intensity of his feelings. These moments didn't make me laugh but they are actual jokes.

So the writers were trying to make something funny with this first episode... At least for the first couple sequences. Yes, in "SSSSASS," we see the show exhaust attempts at humor in real time and begin to rely more on just stupid, random bullshit. Recognizable gags soon degrade into Sonic just humiliating his incredibly stupid enemies in obvious, un-funny ways. Real absurdity gives way to lazy gross-out gags, such as a disturbing scene where Scratch and Grounder's giant, bulbous tongues remain on-screen for a full minute. Visibly noticing the showrunners trying to make something funny and then giving up within a few minutes ends up being more interesting than anything else in this program.

Another question "SSSSASS" answers is why Robotnik puts up with Scratch and Grounder's bullshit. These are the only characters that get definitive origins in this episode. After Sonic made scrap metal out of his horde of bounty hunters, Robotnik built Scratch as a super-intelligent and hyper-capable Sonic-hunting machine. He then created Grounder as a clone of Scratch. Obviously, something went wrong with every single one of those goals. Why Scratch is a big stupid dumb-dumb, and why Grounder looks nothing like him, is not explained. I guess the idea is that Robotnik isn't very good at making robots. But now at least we know why he hasn't scrapped them yet: These guys represent his best try. He doesn't want to junk what was suppose to be his masterpieces, even if they are clearly failures. 

"SSSSASS" – see, that's something I enjoy typing – is also notable in "Sonic" history in another minor way. Aside from being the first episode of the first ever "Sonic" cartoon, it would also directly contribute to one of the earlier video games. The gang of robot bounty hunters Sonic fights contains all of the various opponents from "Dr. Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine," the localization of Sega's "Puyo Puyo" puzzle game. And it's sort of funny that this video game, a certified cult classic of the "Sonic" franchise now, would elevate a handful of characters that barely have any dialogue. The only one of the future "Mean Bean" bosses who actually talks is a duck-looking robot in a skirt and Cable-esque shoulder pads that speaks with a vaguely effeminate voice. (The video game would eventually identify him as "Dragon Breath.") Even the two robots that look like a ballsack on wheels and a bicycle pump would end up in the game! It's just funny that characters who couldn't be more minor would be assigned names and personalities by another ancillary arm of this multi-media franchise. 

If it wasn't obvious, this super sassy episode is more interesting for its historical value than its actual content. We see "AoStH" try to be one show before accepting its fate to be another show and that's sort of fun. (If mildly depressing.) The more of this program I begrudgingly write about, the more convinced I am that a behind-the-scenes documentary about its production would probably be more interesting than the actual series. [5/10]

Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, Episode 1.03.: Lovesick Sonic

Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, Episode 1.03.: Lovesick Sonic
Original Air Date: September 13th, 1993

As I referenced when talking about “Birth of a Salesman” the other week, “Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog” introduced a ton of minor, one-off characters to “Sonic” lore over the course of its 65 episode run. Most of these have been forgotten, banished to the land of wind and ghosts even by the obsessive-compulsive “Sonic” fandom. Yet a few characters have proven more memorable, perhaps even earning the designation of “fan favorite.”

One such stand-out cast member is Breezie the Hedgehog, from the (third produced, eighth to air) episode of “Adventures.” Though she only ever appeared in that one episode, fans remembered her. So much that Flynn's decision to bring her back for the post-reboot Archie comic was greeted with enthusiasm. This makes “Lovesick Sonic” another one of the rare “AoStH” episodes to really contribute to the wider “Sonic” universe.

So what is “Lovesick Sonic” about? While out doing hero shit, Sonic sees a lime green female-type character that is supposedly a hedgehog being held captive by Scratch and Grounder. She immediately catches his eye and the horny hog is soon doing everything for her, running around the globe to appease her whims. Tails is more suspicious... And his fears are well-founded. Breezie is an android built by Robotnik, to distract, capture, and destroy Sonic while the mad scientist steals the water from a Mobius reservoir and floods an innocent village in the process.

Once again, I'm surprised by an “Adventure of Sonic the Hedgehog” episode with an actual plot. This isn't just a loose premise upon which to hang a series of juvenile gags. This episode's story actually has a beginning, middle, and end. Some of the characters actually grow and change over the course of the episode. Sonic proves he's not just an unstoppable comic hero-prankster, as we learn the hedgehog is a sucker for a pretty face. Robotnik's genuinely pretty evil plot has some real stakes, as Sonic nearly doesn't survive. The heroes are challenged and some people even learn some things about themselves. Normally, a show wouldn't get points for following basic narrative structure like this but it's unusual for “Adventures.”

The character that changes the most is not one of the regular cast members, because “Adventures” isn't that kind of show. Instead, Breezie gets the full blown arc. She starts out as nothing but a manipulative, literally inhuman (inhedgehog?) femme fatale. Yet Sonic's devotion to her is so sweet, that she genuinely develops feelings for him. Granted, this show's emotion spectrum is still extremely childish. Sonic's love manifests as going to ridiculous lengths to get her what she wants and writing cheesy poetry. Yet, in a series as broad as this, Breezie's growth counts for something. Even before her change-of-heart, Breezie's bitchiness makes her a fairly compelling villain.

This probably isn't the real reason Breezie proved so memorable to fans though. She wears a pink dress that is slit up to her hip. She has a wasp-waist and is drawn with ample cleavage in a few scenes. She speaks exclusively in a sensual whisper, is about four feet taller than Sonic, and is introduced tied up. Even the moment where she opens up her chest and pulls out a phone feels kind of fetish-y. (None of this can disguise the fact that her character design is actually pretty awkward looking.) Do a Google Image search for her and see how long it takes you to find some fetish artwork. I'll wait. You'll be right back.

But anyway. The real moral of this episode is not that people can change or that sincerity and love – goofball, puppy dog love – can melt the coldest heart. The real moral is “bros before hoes.” See, Sonic spends the whole episode thinking with his little head, falling all over himself to serve Breezie. Tails, having not gone through puberty yet, realizes that something is up. He warns Sonic but he doesn't listen and it's only his actions in the last act that saves the hedgehog's ass. I was really hoping I could read some hilarious gay subtext into this – Sonic's male life partner helps him overcome his attraction to a female – but Breezie's redemption kind of ruins that. Still, it's fun to see Tails actually do something in an episode, since he's mostly stood back and watched Sonic be the hero in the last few installments.

The episode still has lots comedy. Scratch and Grouner are introduced swinging a fishing hook and grabbing a cactus. Robotnik almost flashes the entire audience when comically changing out of his bathrobe. Sonic saves the day with a bungie cord. He fools the robotic henchman by dressing up as an elderly photographer. Sonic's quest to please Breezie involves a bizarre fight scene with “cannibals,” tribal looking pigs who are also fond of dress-up and explode when defeated. The polar bear from “Best Hedgehog” reappears, as do some random penguins in hula skirts. There's a really out-of-nowhere fight scene with a dragon. It's all aggressively wacky but, for once, I can actually jive with this. A goofy fight scene where Sonic round-house kicks an alligator into the air is actually kind of cool? This is the sort of wacky slapstick I can get into it.

It's a solid episode, maybe one of the best of the entire series. Yet even Breezie's gratuitous sexiness is overshadowed by a certain factor. Yes, this is the “Adventures” episode that gifted us with the “Sonic Sez” segment on sexual harassment. It would seem the show's writers realized they were touching on a more serious topic than usual. There's no jokes in this edutainent segment, just Sonic speaking directly to the audience... But, really, there was nothing they could have done to make this anything but hilariously awkward. Why is Sonic the Hedgehog educating our children about inappropriate touching? Why is he using his catchphrases and slang terms during this otherwise serious moment? It is so deeply miscalculated that the results, no matter how sincere, can't help but be totally hilarious... Or at least they would be, if people hadn't been dunking on this particular moment nonstop for the last sixteen years.

I could probably write an entire blog entry about “That's No Good!' and, honestly, probably will someday. For now, I'll cut it off there. “Lovesick Sonic” is definitely among the most tolerable “Adventures” I've reviewed thus far. I'll even go so far as to say I genuinely like this episode! I'm sure I'll be back to bitching and moaning next week though. [7/10]

Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, Episode 1.12. Birth of a Salesman

Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, Episode 1.12. Birth of a Salesman
Original Air Date: September 8th, 1993

These days, the “Sonic” cast – across the games, the comics, and all sorts of other stuff – measures in the hundreds. This was not the case in the early days of the franchise. “Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog” even predates the introduction of Knuckles or Amy Rose. Aside from a collection of Badniks, the game cast was basically Sonic, Tails, and Robotnik. This is why “SatAM” had to take the little animals Sonic rescues and morph them into the Freedom Fighters. And it's why seemingly every other episode of “AoStH” introduced some random new character. One or two of these guys would become minor fan favorites...

...which brings us to “Birth of a Salesman.” The episode begins with Robotnik bemoaning his lack of competent help, insulting Scratch and Grounder. That's when a door-to-door salesman named Wes Weasely stops by. He proceeds to sell Robotnik a series of contraptions: A vacuum that can suck out light, a freeze ray, an anti-gravity ray, and a de-atomizing beam. Each machine is used against Sonic, before the hedgehog outsmarts the easily-fooled Scratch and Grounder, turning the new gizmos against them.

As far as “AoStH's” contributions to the grander “Sonic” lore goes, Wes Weasely does not seem like an especially memorable contribution. He's the hoariest of gag: The duplicitous door-too-door salesman. (Of course, this comedic trope is totally discredited now, as I don't think many items are sold door-to-door anymore.) The minute he walks on-screen, Wes is super easy to figure out. Obviously, he's going to scam Robotnik over and over again until the episode ends. That's what happens every time a cartoon introduces a traveling salesman like this. Also, he doesn't look a thing like a weasel and that bugs me too. However, I do like how verbosely named the gadgets he sells are or how surreal some of them are. That light-sucking vacuum, especially, which renders the top half of the screen black when activated.

Wes being a scummy salesman isn't the only gag in this episode that's very easily predicted. Even though the episode begins with Robotnik berating his primary henchman, he still trusts Scratch and Grounder with the new equipment every time. Predictably, Sonic outsmarts the robotic simpletons within minutes on each occasion. And not even in especially novel ways. Sonic literally just crouches under the black cloud the light vacuum causes. With the freeze ray, he just moves out of the way, so the robots can freeze each other He doesn't even do anything to fuck up the de-atomizer, as Scratch and Grounder press the wrong button themselves and accidentally clone the hedgehog instead. (Though the clones using popcorn offensively is, if nothing else, unexpected.) The only time Sonic actually uses his brain to defeat the robots is by tricking them with the anti-gravity ray, in a rather tedious moment. Look, I get that Scratch and Grounder are dumb and Sonic is always going to outsmart them. But I feel like the writers really phoned it in on this one.

Watching as a child, I don't remember “Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog” being especially gross, by the standards of early nineties kids cartoons. Watching as an adult, I'm really picking up on a weird grotesque streak in this show. Over the course of this twenty minutes, Grounder sprouts disturbingly human-like hands. Sonic melts the robot chicken and his drilling friend after kicking up a firestorm, their faces slowly dissolving in a strangely vivid fashion. Robotnik smothers his henchman with his enormous ass, which receives far too much attention from the animators. The episode ends with the bad guys having their body parts switched around. That's an awful lot of body horror for a kid's show, along side the typically unimpressive slapstick of Grounder pressing a button unexpectedly or Sonic madly running around the countryside.

Still, as is quickly becoming the case, the delivery of the voice cast generates an occasional chuckle. Long John Baldry continues to be the MVP of this show. “Birth of a Salesman” begins with Robotnik shouting a long-winded avalanche of alliterative insults at his blundering robots, which is an amusingly stretched-out gag. Among the factors he likes about Weaslly, he casually throws in “And you dress funny.” He demands Sonic is not killed but merely captured, so he can “gloat at him.” Surprisingly, some of the other voice actors gets laughs too. Jaleel White gets to subvert Sonic's “I'm waaaaaiting!” catchphrase in a funny way. Michael Donovan adapts a Charles Neslon Riley-like voice for Wes Weaselly and his brief comment about being a “tyrant-to-tyrant salesman” got a single laugh out of me.

-Writers Steven J. Fisher, Reed Shelley and Bruce Shelley must have been really proud of Wes Weaselly because they incorporate him into the Sonic Sez segment as well. Our moral this time takes the form of a toy commercial, presented by Wes, which impresses Tails enough hat he immediately heads out to buy the product... Before being hti with a number of pricey add-ons. “If it looks too good to be true, it probably is” is the intended moral. Yet this lesson comes off as awfully hypocritical from a cartoon show designed to sell video games. Are all the Sonci Sez moments going to be this hilariously tone-deaf?

If you're reading this, you definitely already know why this episode is of minor importance to “Sonic” nerds. Wes Weaselly is among the “AoStH” characters Ian Flynn would revive for the post-reboot comic universe. Granted, it was for a single panel appearance. I wonder if he would've brought him back if the comic hadn't been canceled? Anyway, the episode itself is probably my least favorite episode of the show so far, which bodes well. Only sixty-two left to go! [5/10]

Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, Episode 1.16. Tails' New Home

Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, Episode 1.16. Tails' New Home
Original Air Date: September 7th, 1993

While the first episode of “Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog” to air focused on Sonic battling Robotnik, the second-to-air episode smartly turns its focus on Sonic and Tails' friendship. “Tails' New Home” begins with the two-tailed fox almost getting hurt while the duo fights Scratch and Grounder. Worried the adventurer life-style might be too perilous for his little buddy, Sonic sets out to find Tails a home. First, they meet with an extremely clumsy stork family, which is no safer for Tails. Second, the two encounter Sgt. Doberman, a crazed former drill sergeant. Lastly, a pair of elderly two-tailed foxes identify themselves as Tails' parents. It seems like an ideal home for Sonic's sidekick but, naturally, this is a trap.

Despite it being one of the most common feature of the entire franchise, there haven't been too many attempts to provide an origin for Sonic and Tails' friendship. If I'm remembering correctly, the instructional manual for “Sonic 2” simply described Tails as an enthusiastic fan of Sonic who started following him, and imitating his trademark moves, one day. The Archie comic series wouldn't get around to explaining this background until the “Sonic Kids 2” special, published in March 1999, six years after the series began. “SatAM” never explained it. Surprisingly, one of the least serious iterations of “Sonic” put this information out front early on. Here, we find out Tails is a foundling who stumbled into Sonic when he tried to live life as a bird. Sonic decided to watch out for the kid, and the two just stuck together ever since.

The flashback that actually depict this first meeting is a little heavy on the wacky slapstick “Adventures” was fond of. However, Sonic and Tails' friendship ends up forming the very sweet emotional backbone of the episode. The details of their first meeting is pretty cute, especially the way Sonic gave Tails his nickname after learning he hates his birth name of Miles. Tails' assumed birth parents tell Sonic the fox is where he belongs, causing the hedgehog to shed a single tear. It's further established that Sonic feels seriously lost without his little buddy in the next scene. But Sonic goes along with it because he thinks it's the right decision. “Adventures” wasn't a show that handled sincere emotion very often, from what I recall, so it's nice to see Sonic and Tails' genuine brotherhood – the "love" word even being used in the final scene – get so much attention.

Contrasting with these cute moments in “Tails' New Home” is a strain of disturbingly grotesque slapstick. The opening chase scene with Scratch and Grounder features a landscape so abstract, and the unnerving sight of Tails screaming and turning inside out is so surreal, I assumed it to be a dream sequence. Nope, this episode is just like that. At one point, Sonic puffs up his body to extremely buff, Schwarzeneggerian proportions before melting into a puddle. Huge knots grow out of Sonic and Tails' heads during their first meeting. After running into a wall, Robotnik yanks an unpleasantly squishy brick out of his eyeball. Equally inexplicable moments involve Sonic's arms spinning around like a clock or Tails' parents – revealed to be ant-headed robots – being smushed together into a can of applesauce for no particular reason. I don't remember the show being this fucking weird but I'm betting I'll be numbed to this shit soon enough.

Otherwise, “Tails' New Home” continues the trend of “Adventures” episode having one or two decent gags and many more not-so-amusing ones. During the painfully unfunny sequence involving the idiotic storks that try to adopt Tails, there's a brief shot of a goldfish making out his last will and testament before his bowl is overturned. That reminds me of something you'd see in a Tex Avery cartoon. While Sgt. Doberman makes Sonic and Tails perform rigorous military exercise, Sonic – uncharacteristically winded – says his wife is supposed to be nice. This moment also results in a meme-worthy moment of Tails' tail turning into an American flag. Long John Baldry got more laughs from me, for the colorful way Robotnik decides to give himself a promotion or the way he digs into the ridiculous names of the various traps laid for Sonic.

But, yes, the annoying gags once again outnumber the decent ones. Scratch's shrieked declarations of greatness or Grounder's nincompoop grumblings irritate. Sonic's various disguises, including a firefighter and an especially transparent postman costume, did not make me smile. The stork family's incredible idiocy, which leads them to almost burning down and flooding their houses within a few minutes, is tiring. There's even a joke about airline food. Also, of course, catchphrases and bad animations are present. Sonic says he's waiting, Robotnik says he hates that hedgehog, and characters awkwardly spin through the air more than once. I really need to get use to this shit, I've got sixty-four more of these to watch.

We wrap up with an especially baffling Sonic Sez. In it, Sonic meets Coconut who is running away from Dr. Robotnik's fortress, because the doctor mistreats him. Sonic encourages the robotic monkey to return home, by pointing out that he's just a kid that can't take care of himself. That even the difficulties of living at home is preferable to living on the streets. While I understand the point of this message – don't try and run away from home, kids – this is a bad example. It's sort of shitty to tell children from abusive home that they shouldn't leave. In fact, this sequence only makes sense once your realize Coconuts is an enemy of Sonic and the hedgehog wants the Badnik to suffer. Which, ya know, was probably not the intended moral here.

Anyway, “Tails' New Home” worked better for me than “Best Hedgehog.” I liked the stuff centering on Sonic and Tails' friendship, even if the rest of the episode has little to recommend about it. Will decent half-hours like this be typical of the show or is this an outlier? I guess I'll find out soon enough but I can already kind of guess at an answer. [7/10]