A Sketch from Tracy Yardley!

We interrupt whatever passes for a regularly scheduled update for something a little different. This previous weekend, the girlfriend and I traveled to Atlanta, Georgia to attend Momocon. I've been to a number of local cons up north but none of them compare in size to an event like Momocon. First off, you had to ride down about six escalators just to get to the proper convention floor. Secondly, once you finally arrive, you are greeted with a car show. That included – and this is going to matter to exactly nobody reading this – a screen-used Herkimer Battle Jitney from the 1999 motion picture "Mystery Men!" It's the finest non-lethal military vehicle ever made! Considering the Ben Stiller starring superhero parody flop is a minor cult classic at best, I can't imagine anyone else in attendance was excited by this. But I was. Because I think "Mystery Men" is one of the funniest movies ever made. You can ask the GF. I actually shouted "Is that the Herkimer Battle Jitney?!" when I first saw it. 

So, anyway, why am I bringing this up? Because it made me happy. But mostly because one of the reasons I traveled to Momocon is because it had a few "Sonic the Hedgehog" related guests. Jason Griffith was probably the main attraction for the hedgehog-inclined crowd. I know Griffith is the iconic voice of Sonic for many fans, having been tenured as the English voice actor for the hero from 2003 to 2010. I was basically checked out of the games during that period and have barely watched the dub of "Sonic X," so I can't say Griffith has much personal significance to me. Says a lot that the game I've played the most featuring him as Sonic is "Super Smash Bros." Besides, we were only there for Saturday and the lines were long.

No, I basically only had one goal at Momocon. I wanted to meet Tracy Yardley – should I spell that with an exclamation point? – and get him to draw a sketch for me. The dealers' area was massive and filled with people selling all sorts of stuff. Some of which, like home-made fudge or tea bags, were barely connected to the anime/animation/gaming focus of the convention. Not too much specifically "Sonic" related stuff for sale, though I did spy one booth selling Eggman and Werehog body pillows. Did the girlfriend have to talk me out of buying one? I'll never tell. 

After much walking around and navigating of crowds, I finally found the aisle where professional artists and comic people were shilling their wears. Seated under a little sign featuring the blue hedgehog was Mr. Yardley. After a few people ahead of us asked their questions and left, I approached the table. I said my piece, about how I had been a lifelong reader of "Sonic" comics and how I felt Yardley and Ian Flynn's arrival on the Archie book really revived a faltering series. Finally, I sheepishly admitted I run a small "Sonic" blog called Hedgehogs Can't Swim. And that I would like a sketch of Sonic drowning to, ya know, fit the theme. Yardley was happy to oblige and drew it up in about ten minutes. I stood by awkwardly and watched, not sure what else to do but really impressed that he whipped up something so professional looking in such a short amount of time. He even asked if I wanted modern or classic Sonic. What a pro!

Here it is. Pretty cool, right? Probably the closest I'll ever come to having my little endeavor in this fandom acknowledged professionally. I assured Mr. Yardley that this wouldn't be even in the top ten weirdest things he'd draw that weekend and he agreed. I can only imagine the dumb-ass shit people have asked him to sketch at conventions...

In an attempt to squeeze a few more words out of this post, I'll say this as well: There were quite a few Sonic related cosplayers at the convention. Most of them, it seemed, were femme versions of Sonic, Tails, and Shadow. I'm sure there are interesting psychological reasons for why that is. Probably because most any lady looks cute wearing little hedgehog or fox ears. I'm too shy to ask cosplayers for pictures usually and the Saturday crowds were massive enough that trying to single out someone was  awkward. I did convince a very nice Rouge cosplayer to pose with my partner, who was dressed as Lilith from "Darkstalkers," since they were both bat-themed. For that reason and that reason alone, I assure you.

We were only there for a few hours, mostly to meet friends and people watch, so I can't pretend I got the full breath of the Momocon experience. Still, it was pretty cool to visit a con far larger than what I'm used to. If nothing else, I will probably treasure the sketch from Yardley for years to come. Think I can convince the missus to let me frame it and hang it up in our bedroom? It'll go great next to my Eggman body pillow...

RISE FROM YOUR GRAVE

Oh hey, guys. Zack from Hedgehogs Can’t Swim here. So.... it’s been a while. Some of you have left comments asking whether I was still alive, a totally valid concern considering the year we’ve all had. After I let Halloween come and go without any sort of update, you probably assumed I really was gone for good. No, I’m not dead. I’ve even been blogging consistently through the pandemic, over at Film Thoughts. My life has not been untouched by the apocalypse we’re living through these days. I’ve had friends and family come into contact with COVID. There have been some close calls but, thankfully, nobody I love has died. 

Physically, I’ve been okay. My mental health, on the other hand, has been pretty tattered and frayed this year. Ya know, nothing like a global pandemic and a government teetering towards full-blown fascism to make your anxiety flare up. I’ve been an essential worker through these end-times and it got to the point recently where I had to make the choice between my sanity and my paycheck. I chose my sanity, a decision I may or may not come to regret eventually.

Anyway, this might explain why I haven’t updated my cartoon hedgehog blog in seven months. I really didn’t mean to disappear for so long. It was not a planned hiatus. I just lost the ability to focus for a while, my ADHD and OCD fucking up my life in new and exciting ways. I considered following in the footsteps of fellow Sonic person Cybershell and totally disappearing for years on end but, ultimately, the fact that I was leaving a project incomplete was nagging at me. How am I supposed to be a fully developed and functional human being if I haven’t reviewed every episode of every “Sonic the Hedgehog” cartoon? 

So, I guess I’m back. I can make no guarantees that this project won’t immediately go back off the rails. As I write this, the future of the world is still totally uncertain and terrifying. I’ll admit, I’m feeling a little saner these days but that could change tomorrow. I know my writing isn’t as exciting or incisive now that I’m discussing the old “Sonic” cartoons and not the old “Sonic” comic books. But, for the time being, I’m re-committing to rambling nonsensically on the Internet about blue hedgehogs that run fast and fight robots for a little while longer. 

Here’s the plan: I’m going to devote most of December and part of January to catching up with IDW’s “Sonic” comic, a series it seems like I’m always perpetually catching up with. This is primarily so I can do another Best/Worst at the start of next year. Afterwards, I shall resume my reviews of “Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog.” I may throw in some other stupid bullshit from time-to-time as well, just to keep y’all on your toes. 

Again, I’ll make no promises that I’ll stick with this. But, for now, I’m going to give this one more shot. Yes, I’m back on the three days a week updating schedule. I hope you’re a fan of run-on sentences, faulty formatting and reading way too much into children’s media, cause Hedgehogs Can’t Swim is back. Maybe. Probably not. But possibly. 

Hedgehogs Can't Swim is Going on Hiatus

Faithful Hedgehogs Can't Swim readers, you might have noticed something recently. I've been missing a lot of updates. There's a simple reason for this: I don't have anything to post right now. Yes, your reliable blogger has finally fallen behind. After wrapping up my Archie retrospective last year, I went on a short hiatus, with the hopes it would give me enough time to build up a decent amount of material. Obviously, this wasn't the case. I've been struggling over the last few months to put together posts for this blog and my consistency has been suffering because of it.

So, I hate to do this to you but I see no other option at the moment: Hedgehogs Can't Swim is going on semi-hiatus until March 2nd. I say "semi" because there will be odd, one-off updates in-between here and there. I'm going to try and stay on-top of the new issues of IDW's "Sonic" book as it comes out. Naturally, the impending release of the "Sonic the Hedgehog" movie will surely result in a reaction from me. Regular updates will be paused for a few weeks though, as I attempt to actually bank enough reviews to ensure normal activity can ensue for the rest of the year. 

Sorry, guys. Shit happens sometimes. Life has been crazy recently and that's certainly been a factor. If you want to yell at me, feel free to do so on Twitter or my other blog. Hopefully, once this is all over, it'll be back to business as usual for everyone who has stuck with me over the last few years. I hope you understand.

BACK ISSUES: A Hedgehogs Can't Swim Creepypasta

I’m telling you guys this because I know you’ll believe me. As I type these frenzied words, I can hardly believe it myself. Something impossible. Impossibly horrible. This awful revelation has its roots in something I hold dare, the subject of this very blog. I know some won’t believe me but I swear everything that follows is the awful, awful truth.

It started when the news of a comic shop opening in town reached me. Being somebody interested in comics, I immediately tracked the place down. Though it was in an odd part of town I rarely visited, I drove down there anyway. The building was right next to an old pharmacy. The place seemed like a typical comic shop, with rows of new books, trade paperbacks, and various toys and collectables lying about. The store also had a large selection of back issues. As soon as I saw that, I walked to the “S” section and started to look for any rare “Sonic the Hedgehog” comics I might not have.

Flipping through the books, it was a typical collection. Lots of issues from the last ten years, a handful that were slightly older then that. Tucked way back at the end of the wrack was something I couldn’t believe. An issue of Sonic #0, from the original mini-series! The very first “Sonic” comic Archie ever published! With a totally reasonable asking price, I scooped the book up and ran to the clerk. He gave me an odd look, smiling strangely, as I handed a few crumpled up bills. “I hope you enjoy that,” he said, nodding slowly. The man looked somewhat familiar yet I couldn’t place his face. At the time, I didn’t think anything of it.

After returning home, I put the bag down on my desk and went about my day. It wasn’t until the next day, after work, that I was able to really look at the book. Glancing at the cover, I immediately realized something was different. Sonic’s eyes were strangely blank, the pupils missing among the white sclera. As far as I knew, no misprints of this issue ever existed. Which meant I had an especially rare version, perhaps a one of a kind copy. I ran my thumb over the cover, making sure that this wasn’t the work of a pranksters or hoax artist. There was no addition paint or white out. This was a genuine copy.

Thumbing through the issue, I noticed other odd art mistakes. Sonic’s missing pupils weren’t confined to the cover. Every time he appeared in the book, his eyes were wrong. Just white starring voids, without the black dot to denote expression or feeling. This wasn’t the only oddness. Passing the page where he first met Caterkiller, I didn’t notice it at first. It was only after backtracking did I see the error. The robot’s teeth had been miscolored red by mistake, almost as if blood was dripping from his fangs. The speech bubble was screwed up too. Instead of saying his name, he introduced himself to Sonic as “Your Killer.” This was a seriously messed up book. No way it was real, I thought to myself. I was obviously holding a fake copy in my hand, albeit a well made fake. Somebody’s idea of a dumb joke.

I kept reading, too curious to put it down. I was going to see this prank through to the end. Scanning ahead a few pages, I hit the part where Sonic reaches Freedom HQ. The first introduction of Sally and the other Freedom Fighters. Yet there was something wrong on these pages too. The dialogue and expressions were normal. But Sally… Her eyes were entirely red. Like blood. Just huge bloody voids where her eyes would normally be. Almost as if someone had plucked them out of her head. That sight made a chill run up my spine.

It’s just a stupid prank, I thought. A prank somebody had put a lot of time into, digitally manipulating the images, printing them out, bounding the pages. Even keeping the old ads intact and then selling the comic back to a shop. The more I thought about it, the less likely a hoax option seemed. As I continued through that first story, with its goofy ending about crying trees, I notice something else strange. None of the characters were smiling, laughing, or joking around. Each of them looked miserable, as if they were in constant agony.

As the story ended, I expected to see that dumb illustration of Sonic and Sally bemoaning a cut down tree. After all, that’s the next image that appeared in the book. Instead, the story from issue 3 began, of Sonic disguising himself as a robot to sneak into Robotnik’s compound. The thought occurred to me again that this was a rare misprint in my hands. That maybe all the weird faces were simply a bizarre coloring error. Except that didn’t make any sense. Why would a future issue get mixed up with the first one? A closer look revealed something more disturbing. Once again, the word bubbles had been tampered with. Rotor screamed “KILL!” on the second page. The word was hidden all throughout the story, normal vowels switched out with the cry to murder. I didn’t want to read this. I didn’t want to feel these things, to see these awful words shoved into the mouths of my favorite characters.

That second story ended prematurely. It’s as if the book was reading my thoughts, as if something was compelling the pages to change in my hand as I passed my fingers over them. But not for the better. For the second half of issue three had been replaced with yet another story.  The back half of issue 47, the start of “Endgame.” The death of Princess Sally. But what was already a sad story had been made more disturbing. Now, every characters’ eyes ran red with blood. Their tears were even blood, spots of red dotting their faces. Bunnie, Antoine, and Rotor seemed tormented by something even bigger then the death of their friend. Their agony became my own, a terrible feeling rising inside of me as I read through the comic.

Enough was enough. I didn’t know where it came from but I sure as hell didn’t want it in my house anymore. I slammed the comic shut, ran across the room, and threw it in the trashcan. Tomorrow, I was going back to the comic shop. I was going to give the clerk an earful, ask him why the hell he was selling photoshopped comics. I was freaked out by it but I couldn’t imagine what a kid would think, an innocent picking that up, expecting a friendly kid’s comic but seeing this weirdness instead.

I went straight to bed. The whole ordeal had exhausted me. I was tired enough that I went right out. Yet my sleep was haunted by the most horrible images. Terrible spectres emerging from my bedroom wall, starring down at me with clasping bone jaws. A runny, crimson liquid ran from their sockets. Like the blood in the comic. As the dream went on, the faces changed, morphing into the cartoon likenesses of Sonic and his friends. Their faces twisted in pain, in torment. They could not beg for an end to their infinite suffering. Instead, they could only scream out one word, prolonged by the pain. “KILL,” I heard them scream. “KILL!” Sonic and Bunnie and Rotor said again. Kill them, I realized. End the agony that they couldn’t escape from themselves.

When I awoke, my skin was damp with sweat. I tried to rationalize. That the dumb prank had just spooked me. That the dream came from my own mixed up brain and not from some outside force, not from some evil dwelling in that dreadful book. I knew what I had to do. I retrieved the comic from the trash, Sonic’s smirk on the cover seeming to mock me. To relish in the pain it had caused me. I jumped in my car and drove back to the comic shop. At the very least, the shop owner would give me my money back.

And that was when the weirdest thing of all happened. As I drove downtown, I looked all around the road where the shop had been yesterday. I passed the pharmacy over and over again, baffled by the empty lot next to it. Finally, I parked my car and decided to investigate on foot. There was no way the comic shop could’ve been knocked down overnight. There was no debris, no sign that a building had been there yesterday. It was gone, as if it had never been there in the first place. Holding the cursed comic book in my hand, that was when the memory of the day before came rushing back to me. The reason why the man behind the counter had looked so familiar. It was a face I knew, someone I had seen before. For the man that sold me the horrible comic was… was…

HEDGEHOGS CAN'T SWIM UPDATES WILL RESUME ON OCTOBER 3RD!

Listen, everyone has to take a break occasionally. I'm a road trip this weekend, which leaves me with little time for blog updating. Everything will be back to normal on Monday. Until then, go outside and drink a pumpkin spice latte or something. See you soon, faithful readers.

Sonic the Hedgehog (Original Mini-Series): Issue 3

Sonic the Hedgehog (Original Mini-Series): Issue 3
Publication Date: February 1993


As the original “Sonic the Hedgehog” started to wind down, the series was already getting better. The third issue of the series, which was numbered 2, had a single story line which slowly started to build up the Archie’s series long history of convoluted mythology. As the final issue of the mini-series rolled out, an on-going continuation was already in development. The last part of the mini-series, which was bafflingly numbered three, sees the quality of the series back-slide. It’s a goofy story with little affect on the on-going plot line of the series.

Issue 3 features two stories. The first of which begins with Sonic being chased over a cliff by Robotnik in an Egg-Mobile. He has an annoying dream about being a boy and growing up with Robotnik as a child, revealing their rivalry beginning in boyhood. The second story of the issue shows Boomer devising a disguise so that Sonic can personally infiltrate Robotnik’s base. While there, he plans to rescue his Uncle Chuck and his dog Muttski.

The first half of issue three, entitled “Sonic Flashback!,” is, thus far, the worst “Sonic the Hedgehog” story I have read for this retrospective. It begins with a generic action beat, with Sonic stomping on Crabmeats amid a barren green field. When he falls from the cliff and becomes unconscious, Robotnik doesn’t murder our hero in his sleep. What follows is a bizarre combination of flashback and dream sequence. We see Uncle Chuck forging Power Rings which is an acceptable if incongruous image. Afterwards, we see Sonic and Robotnik as kids, squabbling and arguing. The villain makes robots out of Chuck’s tracker, which results in a crash, causing him to receive a fierce tongue-lashing. As revenge, he cooks up a killer robot out of random crap lying around.

It’s bad. Thankfully, the comic doesn’t even pretend that such a ridiculous origin story is cannon. It is immediately dismissed as a dream sequence and an “imaginary story,” by the end. Imaging the hero and villain growing up together as kids is a lame, hackneyed idea. Basically, this story makes your average episode of “Muppet Babies” seem like a masterpiece in comparison. Sonic directly addresses the audience, asking us if we want to see more imaginary story. Considering how bad this one was, and that we never got any more, the general audience’s response was as negative as mine.

The second story is slightly better but still hugely inconsequential. Rotor’s robot disguise is literally just a pair of robotic jaws and swirly red contact lens. Sonic’s flawless infiltration of Robotnik’s lair involves him telling the evil tyrant that he’s totally a robot now, guys, I swear. His subterfuge climaxes with him blowing up a robot factory, which I suppose it’s fairly substantial. I know this is a goofy comedy comic at this point. Yet it really discredits Robotnik as a threat that he would buy this trick at all.

What bit of art this stupid story has comes when Sonic finds his uncle and dog. This meeting occupies a page plus one panel. Afterwards, Sonic gets super-pissed and goes on a warpath. This certainly makes his following actions understandable. (Though if he had his arch-enemy right there and was especially angry at him, you’d think his actions would be a little more extreme.) If you’re wondering, Sally and Antoine put in a brief appearance in this story. Antoine gets humiliated and Sally shares some more belligerent sexual tension with Sonic.

As the end to the original mini-series, issue three is certainly an underwhelming piece of work. Dave Manak would provide the art for this issue, quickly becoming the main artist during the book's early years. His work is similar to Scott Shaw's, with a comparable cartoon edge. However, his work can also be quite sloppy which makes it less visually appealing. Sonic goes horribly off-panel on the second panel of page five, for example.

Archie’s Sonic series is still in its infancy at this point and would remain so for about another year. As the dawn of the regular series arrives, all I can say is: It gets better. I swear! [4/10]

Devious plans...

So what exactly am I going to do with this blog, besides not update it? Hedgehogs Can’t Swim was originally planned as a daily blog, something I’m sure you can see has worked out extremely well.

Despite the fact that I’m a pretty big Sonic nerd and there’s tons of shit to write about concerning the series and it’s fandom, I’m not really sure there’s that much to actually talk about. I don’t want this blog to become just another news site. Instead, I had intended it to be a much more in-depth look into the peculiarities of the fandom at large. Explore the weirdness within your average “Sonic” fan.

But that shit is creepy and I’m lazy. So, there are a couple of things I plan on doing with this here blogspace.

First off, I’ve been collecting Archie Comic’s “Sonic the Hedgehog” series since issue seventeen
and have only missed two issues since then. (#25, because it’s hard to find, and #105, because I wasn’t caring at the time.) What I plan to do is sit down, reread each issue, and post reviews up here. This should be interesting for me for a few reasons. First off, this comic has formed the backbone of my fandom for the better part of seventeen years. I haven’t read many of these comics since I was a young child, so revisiting them should be worthwhile. Finally, it’ll be fun to see how this universe evolved.


Naturally, I also plan on rewatching “SatAM” in its entirety and reviewing each episode that comes along. That should be less interesting, since I rewatched the show when the DVD set came out a few years ago and rediscovered it. However, I do plan on revisiting the Sonic anime OVA, select episodes of “Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog,” and even plan on stopping by “Sonic Underground” and “Sonic X” a few times because I’m a masochist.

Another feature that might show up, assuming I can pull myself away from Happy Wheels and other internet based distraction for five minutes, would be occasional news items and a reoccurring feature about weird fanart I found on DeviantArt. I might, God forbid, actually talk about some of the fan fiction authors I believe need exposure.

But whatever, there you go. Expect to see some of that stuff eventually.