Sonic X: Issue 34

Sonic X: Issue 34
Publication Date: June 2008

I probably sound like a broken record at this point but the material presents me with very few other options: As Archie's “Sonic X” series slowly moved towards its conclusion, it became more and more apparent how totally out of ideas the writers were. “Sonic X” has always operated under the general philosophy of “let's throw random shit at Sonic.” At least gold nuggets like “Leprechaun robots!” and “Transforming robots!” fit the series to a degree. Lately, premises like “Eggman is a wrestler now!” and “Sonic joins the circus!” suggests that the writer's room was really scraping the bottom of the barrel. And yet, somehow, the barrel just keeps going. Issue 34 is the pool party edition of “Sonic X.” Yes, really.

The creatively entitled “Fool Party!” begins when Sonic, aghast, reads that the Chris' dad is throwing a charity donation pool party... With Sonic's attendance as part of the deal. Since Sonic hates swimming, this is a problem. When Eggman donates what looks to be about a billion dollars to become that special guest, it becomes more of a problem. Weirdly – or not, considering this version of Robotnik is an even bigger moron – the villain doesn't just use this as an opportunity to firebomb Sonic and friends. Instead, he actually uses the pool party as a chance to get closer to Chuck Thorndyke's new invitation, some super powerful engine or something. Anyway, shenanigans ensue.

In Japanese anime, episodes where the cast of characters go to a bath house are so common that there's an entire wiki devoted to it. Since about fifty percent of anime is aimed at perverts, this is usually an excuse to get the female characters in no or very little clothing. It's such a common troupe that even a sci-fi show like “Outlaw Star” devoted a whole episode to such a setting. “Fool Party!” kind of plays like the G-rated version of this, lacking the fan service but keeping the other ideas you associate with the concept. (Though Amy and Cream are in bathing suits, if you're into that kind of thing, you fucking weirdo.) In other words, the script is devoted to goofy poolside antics and the characters generally relaxing.

Ian Flynn does, rather disturbingly, add a romantic element to “Fool Party!” While Eggman is trying to weasel the location of the engine out of Chuck Thorndyke, something distracts him. Ella – yes, the Thorndyke's offensively stereotypical Latina maid – walks to the pool in a bathing suit. Eggman apparently finds this sight so enticing that it more-or-less derails his entire incompetent scheme. You know, different strokes for different folks. I'm not judging the guy's taste in women. I guess if a cast member of “Sonic X” had to give Eggman a boner, Ella is the least horrible choice. Yet this is just a further example of how totally useless this Eggman is as an adversary. But mostly it's just gross and weird. I don't want to think about Eggman having sex, much less with a matronly older woman. Why did you put that image in my head, Ian Flynn?!

Aside from that horror, there is one mildly – and I'm talking the mildest of mild sauces here – amusing gag in “Fool Party!” Sonic's reluctance to participate in the pool party has less to do with Eggman showing up and more to do with his general hydrophobia. He stays at the side of the pool for most of the issue until Eggman's challenge of a belly flopping contest forces him to jump into the water. It's the thinnest wisp of a joke but, considering this indirectly references my blog's title, it gave me the briefest flicker of amusement.

In truth, the pool party premise is so diaphanous that Ian's attention quickly wanders. Being robots with shitty water proofing, Bocoe and Decoe cannot participate in the poolside gaiety. Tails' offers to fuck around with their programming to, perhaps, allow them to dip into the water. All the fox succeeds in doing is setting off Eggman's built-in fail safe against program tampering. The two comic relief robots immediately become murderous kill-bots, pursuing Tails. Sonic's sidekick only escape certain de-meatment due to Eggman's dive bomb into the pool, emptying the pool's contents into the surrounding yard. This is an example of Flynn desperately pawing around for some sort of plot to beef up this meager story.

During my previous “Sonic X” review, I noted how the quality of David Hutchinson's artwork varies wildly from issue to issue. Hutchinson's pencils for issue 33 were actually pretty good. His pencils for issue 34 are actually pretty bad. The robots look slightly off-model and kind of unintentionally creepy. Hutchinson seems to have trouble drawing Sonic and Tails' eyes, as both look weirdly cross-eyed in a few panels. Grandpa Chuck suffers the worst of it. There's two panels where Chuck's face twist into deeply unfortunate looking expressions. One has him biting his tongue in abject horror, the other has him screaming madly against a swirling backdrop. It's a bummer that these bad moments are so glaring. Otherwise, Hutchinson's pencils are decent enough.

Most of the “Sonic X” comics have been squarely mediocre. Issue 34 hits a new low. There's really no point to this story at all. I mean, shit, they could've at least put Rouge or Topaz in bikinis. I'd even accept Chris' mom in skimpy swimwear, a visual teased on the cover that the book does not deliver on. You know, anything to actually justify this comic book's existence. It's not as if inappropriate fan service is something unseen here. Instead, we get a bunch of aimless slapstick antics that are even more dire than usual. It's a disposable issue, even by the admittedly slack standards set by the other issues of “Sonic X.” Just six more of these fucking things. [4/10]