1. He was almost a rabbit!
Yep, it's true. Sega considered a number of potential animals when designing their mascot hero! Before the company decided on a hedgehog, they floated around ideas like Teddy Rossevalt in pajamas – which eventually became Eggman! – and a bunny rabbit! The idea is that the rabbit would pick up enemies with its ears! (This mechanic would later be reused for Ristar, another Genesis-era platformer!) Thankfully, saner heads intervened and we got our cool, blue, hedgehog hero! Just as God intended! But if he had been a harmless white bunny, wouldn't that have just been the WORST?!!
2. He's not as fast as you think!
The song, after all, proclaims that Sonic rolls around at the speed of sound. But consider this. If Sonic were to accelerate to the speed of sound – 3840 mils per hour! – he would be hit with up to 34 G-forces! This would cause all the blood to immediately retreat from his head eyes, leading to him loosing the ability to see color! Next, as blood was further pushed from his head by the encroaching speed, he'd pass out! Which would be even worst because, if he were to come to a sudden stop at that speed, his internal organs and bones would slam at the speed of sound with his skin and anything else. Leading to the Blue Blur becoming a Blue Slurry of blood and guts. Isn't your childhood SMASHED by this information?!
3. He's a cyclops!
Look into Sonic's eyes. Really look into them. Examine those orbs. Consider them. And then, woe onto you, consider the fact that he doesn't have two distinct eyes. Yes, it is true. Sonic only have one giant eye, two irises kept inside one massive ocular cavity and not entirely separated by a sloping eyelid. It is undeniably true that Sonic is just like Polyphemus of the ancient Greek myths, a godless abomination with but one single eye! Isn't your childhood absolutely fucking WRECKED?!!
4. He's unemployed!
Yep, it's an undeniable truth of the universe, an indisputable fact. Sonic has never held steady employment in his entire life! This little free-loading hedgehog has never felt the satisfying dampness of sweat on his brow, earned from a long day of honest labor! This lazy little guy has never even stacked boxes or picked up trash for a living. He just runs from place to place, sucking time and money from more prosperous people! Truly, your nostalgic remembrance are just completely DESTROYED now, aren't they?
5. SatAM is an Illuminati psyop!
Consider the evidence. The Illuminati, the secret controllers of our world, are honor-bound to pepper wider popular culture with hidden minutes and hints to their existence, in order to brainwash the public into more easily accepting being ruled by them! The Saturday morning cartoon iteration of “Sonic the Hedgehog” is littered with occult symbolism, evidence of the Satanic masters that manipulate our society from behind the scenes! Sonic and the heroes, the characters the audience is expected to emphasize with, freely use magic to accomplish their goals! Just like WITCHES! And look at Sonic's head! Is that three triangles – symbolic of the all-seeing eye of Horus, the Illuminati emblem – I spy? It's right there in the name of the series! “SatAM” is, after all, just one letter off from SATAN!!!! Hey, I bet your childhood is in TATTERS right now!
6. He watches you always
Why do you think Sonic needs one giant eyeball for? Because he's watching you. He sees you when you are asleep. Standing over your bed, watching you slumber. He sees you while you eat. While you are in the shower. Even now, Sonic is watching. His gaze is always set on you, just you, and never interrupted. Knowing that your favorite cartoon animal superhero is constantly violating your privacy and invading your personal space must SURELY change everything you thought was true about your childhood?!!
7. He could have stopped your parents' divorce but chose not to, to teach you a lesson
That's right. Sonic is well aware that your parents broke up when you were only a child, shattering any sense of stability you once felt. You thought Mom and Dad would always be there for you, supporting you through everything. Instead, they just started fighting a lot and then you had two Christmases from then on. Your whole life, you've struggled to find that feeling of safety you had in those simpler times, ripped away from you forever.
Sonic was there. He could've stopped it. He could've been a liaison between Mom and Dad, helped them talked out their issues. Helped them figure out those irreconcilable differences. But he didn't. Because you were such a snot-nosed brat. Such a greedy, selfish child. You needed to be brought down a peg or two. Doesn't that just completely SHATTER your childhood?!
sonic was a mistake
ReplyDeleteTOTAL APRIL FOOLS JOKE...
ReplyDeleteSonic singlehandedly ruined my relationship with my wife and kids. If that blue idiot hadn't stepped in I would have still been with Cheryl. Brayden still would have been with me. Laughing, smiling. He would have been so happy. But he just HAD to make a pass at my wife. Everytime I see his face I begin to rot. I want his bones to crumble and his flesh to fall off.
ReplyDelete